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书小妞UID: 2852591

加油。。。谁能帮我看看。。
Online education 好不好
With the expansion of technology and science, our society had been improved in a number of ways during past decade, the most impressive being the form of education. We now live in a world that online education is no longer exorbitant, and that this kine of education is readily available.
It has become an important way for people to gain knowledge other than traditional education. The subjects provided by online education are numerous which include psychology, chemical, anthropology and the list will go on, and at the same time we can maximize the sharing of educational resources by online education. For example, as a student of Chinese, I also can learn the excellent courses of America or English.

In addition, online education plays an important role in today because it is compatible for the principle of convenience which is extremely advocated by people in current. Take my experience for example, last summer, I wanted to study the course of English Oral which was instructed by Bei Jing Xin Dong Fang, but I lived in a city far away from Bei Jing. Therefore, online course instead of traditional course was a better choice for me. This form of course maked it possible for me to study at my home by computer but not going to Bei Jing. Moreover, time of online course is more flexible and we can rationally arrange it alone with our work or life while the traditional education’s time is fixed. For example, many worker who work at daytime can learn the courses at night through online education. In light of this, no one can deny that online education , to a large extent, is worth to advocate and popularize by public.

However, the disadvantages of education online can not be neglected by us even if we appreciate the benefits of it. As you know, online education narrow and reduce the directly communication between students and teachers. It is not benefit for teachers to gain the feedback about course from students as well as not benefit for students to obtain the answer of questions about course which may lower the effectivity of education. Also, it is quite true that no all of courses are suitable for teaching on the network. I can not imagine that how the student can learn to swim by just watching online course but not instructing by teacher in water.

To sum up, from what have have been discussed above, we can safely draw a conclusion that online education is an indispensable complement or even alternative of traditional education because it is extensive and convenient. However, in many aspects, traditional education can not be compared with online education. In a word, I think whether online education is important depends on circumstance.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

9# 书小妞

Which is better, challenging plans about one's future or practical plans about one's future?

Nowadays, there is a heated dispute over the plan about one's future. Some people hold that a practical plan is better for us due to its low risk and while others argue that a challenging plan deserves more approbation. To be honest, I tend to agree with the second statement because a challenging plan can brings many benefits for people, such as developing one’s potential ability, enhancing confidence as well as earning honor and money (The subject of this sentence is ‘plan’, so your verbs need to go with ‘a plan can …’, and a plan cannot ‘obtain’ honor or money.).

A Challenging plan is essential and crucial for us to disinter the potential abilities. It is well known that people have infinite abilities (Well, that’s VERY arguable..for example, people will not survive an infinite increase in temperature..). Only, however (If you mean what I think you mean, this should be ‘However, only a few…), a few of them have been developed. A Challenging plan often brings huge pressure which can stimulate people to exhume (This means to ‘dig out the dead’, both literally and figuratively..so it doesn’t really associate with ‘potential’, which is not really ‘dead’..do not try to use big words based on their Chinese meanings alone. You should fully understand when and where to use each. If you don’t, keep to simple vocabulary.) potential abilities and assist them to do what seems to be impossible for them. At the same time, people will become more confident and courageous after they experience the challenging plan. Take my experience as an example: I didn't learn the English well before my high school. In fact, I could not even understand a simple English conversation and my pronunciation was not clear or accurate. Mastering English was impossible for me. However, on the first day of high school, my teacher told me that five students who master English in our school could get the opportunity to travel to America after the first semester. It was attractive to me because I was fascinated with the American culture. So in order to get this precious opportunity, I did a challenging plan which was to master English expertly in a short time. I used almost every second to practise speaking English and remember English words. Through the continuous and hard studying, I was selected by the school to travel to America finally. In addition, I gained more confidence from this challenging plan. No matter what difficult problems I met after, I always used the experience of this challenging plan of studying English to encourage myself to face and overcome the problem. (This is a good example, but one that can be described both as ‘challenging’ and ‘practical’..you are motivated by a practical benefit. The problem is that you were not clear about the exact difference between a challenging and a practical plan, or even what ‘practical’ means here – does it mean ‘not stretching the ability, as opposed to challenging’, or ‘pragmatically useful’? If the latter, then a practical plan can be challenging, and vice versa. These are not mutually exclusive attributes. The question as you cited it is very vague in this aspect, and I do suspect that this question is not original. But even so, as I said, you need to be aware of what you are talking about when you say ‘a challenging plan’ or ‘a practical plan’.)

In general, a challenging plan with a high difficulty demands people to spend more effort and energies, therefore, not only much honor but also more money would be given to those people who have achieved challenging plans instead of practical plans, which is beneficial for people to enjoy a meaningful life and improve their quality of life. For example, shortage of rice was one of the biggest problems in the last century in China and it was not dissolved by scientists in a long time. Yuan Long Pin, as the famous agricultural scientist, solved this problem through developing hybrid rice which comes from working day and night for ten years, and received high praise from the society and a large amount of reward from the country. (Again, I can say this is a very practical plan – it has a very pragmatic, immediately useful purpose, and this purpose is focused on the basic needs of people. So you see a clear definition is very important when the question is intentionally vague.)

To sum up, the advantage of a challenging plan is far greater than enhancing ability and confidence; it also embraces (Why ‘embrace’? What are you trying to express?) bringing honor and money. So I am in favor of making a challenging plan about one’s future.(Oh..but your 2nd example is not about ‘one’s future’ at all! The first one still can count but the 2nd one about hybrid rice is really totally out of scope of ‘one’s future’..)

总结：

拼写和用词方面请注意一下。如果要用新词汇，请务必确认自己会用。

论述方面最大的问题就是没有清晰定位到底什么样的叫challenging plan什么样的叫practical plan，它们为什么是互相对比。。所以造成你的举例都是可以同时定义为challenging和practical。。另外就是第二个举例完全跑题。。

书小妞UID: 2852591

6,28Which is better, challenging plans about one's future or practical plans about one's future?10,3,65

Nowadays, there is a heat disputation over the plan about one's future. Some people hold that practical plan is better for us due to its low risk and while others argue challenging plan deserves more approbation. To be honest, I tend to agree with the second statement because challenging plan can brings many benefits for people, such as developing potential ability, enhancing confidence as well as obtaining honor and money.

Challenging plan is essential and crucial for us to disinter the potential ability. It is well known, people have infinite abilities. Only, however, a few of them have been developed. Challenging plan often brings huge pressure which can stimulate people to exhume potential ability and assist them to do somethings which seem to be impossible for them. At the same time, people wil become more confident and courageous after they experience the challenging plan. Take my experience as a example: I didn't learn the English well before my high school. In fact, I could not even understand a simple English conversation and my pronunciation was not clear and accurate. Mastering English was impossible for me. However, on the first day of high school, my teacher told me that five students who master English in our school could obtain the opportuniy to travel to America after the first semester. It was attractive to me because I was fascinated with American cultrue. So in order to obtained this precious opportunity, I did a challenging plan which was to master English expertly in a short time. I used almost every second to practise speaking English and remember English words. Through the continuous and hard studying, I was selected by school to travel in America finally. In addition, I gained more confidence from this challenging plan. No matter what difficult problem I met after, I always used the experience of challenging plan of studying English to encourage myself to face and overcome the problem.

In general, challenging plan with a high difficulty demands people to pay more effort and energies, therefore, not only much honor but also more money would be given to those people who have achieved challenging plan instead of practical plan, which is beneficial for people to enjoy a meaningful life and improve their quality of life. For example, shortage of rice was one of the biggest problems in the last century in China and it was not dissolved by scientists in a long time. Yuan Long Pin, as the famous agricultural scientist, solved this problem through developing hybird rice which come from working day and night for ten years and received high praise form society and a large amount of reward from country .

To sum up, the advantage of challenging plan is far greater than enhancing ability and confidence, it also embraces bringing honor and money. So I am favor of making challenging plan about one’s future.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

7# 书小妞

6,27赞成在家利用电脑 和电话（work at home by using computer and telephone)工作，还是去公司的办公室（company‘s office）工作

With the explosive science and technology (If you say ‘the explosive science and technology’, you actually mean the science and technology that deals with explosives..what do you want to express by ‘explosive’? What is it that you are trying to convey? Can you say it in other words (not necessarily in one word)? Think about it.), our society have been changed in a number of ways, one of the notable being the work's place. Many people choose to work at home instead of in the company's offices by using computers and telephones. However, I tend to disagree with this kind of choice. I will explain my opinion for the following reasons.

Nowadays, people in a growing number tend to live under the illusion that working at home is a better than working at the company. However, the information which I have collected over the last few years leads me to believe that working at home is not as good as people imagine it to be. It is well known that people who work at the company (I think you actually meant ‘working in company offices’ when you say ‘working at company’..a ‘company’ is a legal entity, and it is not the physical opposite of ‘working at home’.) can cultivate the interpersonal skills through face-to-face communication between colleagues face to face, which is conductive to enhancing promotion opportunities (A simple ‘conducive for promotion’ will do..well in Chinese you can say 有助于增加晋升的机会 but I regard it as rather redundant even as a Chinese expression.). While working at home will lower the ability of communication or even develop (‘working at home’ itself doesn’t develop this character. The person who works at home may..) a solitary character which may produce a unfavorable effect on the our career development or even our lives (Working at home doesn’t necessarily mean working alone. In fact, it might even enhance your communication ability – you might need to deal with a lot more phone calls, emails etc. since you can’t talk to people face to face. And, don’t forget video cams and instant video chats..with these you can’t even say only working in the company offices will get you to talk with people face to face..). In addition, seldom communication? (You mean, ‘scarce communication’? A person ‘seldom’ does something – an action can be ‘seldom’..but a thing cannot be ‘seldom’.) will, to a large extent, brings unwanted negative effects on the team work and development of company.

People who choose to work at home seem to fail to take into account that the environment of home is not suitable for them to work. In other words, people may be distracted by various situations and things when they are working at home. Taking my sister's experience as an example: she was working in her room while my mother and I were watching TV last Friday. The program was very attractive to her, so she could not concentrate her energies which lead to a low effeciency of work and delayed the delivery time of the final report finally (Or, what you wanted to say might be ‘and eventually delayed the delivery of her report’. Note how I deliver more precise meanings through fewer but more effective words (and you see it’s possible to write sentences without one single ‘the’.) Use more ‘solid’, meaningful words instead of fillers like ‘the’, ‘a’. This way you can express more with a lot fewer words. Chinese students often use too many articles in all kinds of unnecessary places but forget to use any when it’s truly necessary.). In light of this, no one can deny that the environment of home has an unfavorable impact on effective work.

Moreover, it should be noted that using the computer and telephone to deliver information and work appointments often brings some indispensable trouble and problems. For example, my friend complained to me that her’s report was not be mailed to her manager in time due to some problems with her computer, which cost her to lose a promotion opportunity. (If this could happen at her home, it could happen at her office as well. You can’t really assume home computers to be fragile than office ones, or assume that office computers will always work..) In fact, few people understand their computers well enough to fix them, and as our works depend on this technology to achieve and deliver, a single broken computer can result in a lot of havoc.

To sum up, from what we have discussed above, it is safely to draw a conclusion that people should not be encouraged to work at home, (Whether people should do it has nothing to do with whether you agree with it or not. You are asked to state which one you 赞成, not which one people should adopt.) because it has various disadvantages such as low efficiency of work, infrequent communications, which do not benefit to the person, his/her team or even his/her company.

总结：

请注意拼写和词性。

论述方面很有进步~但是不要把你的意见和人们应该做什么等同起来。这是独立的两回事。问你赞成哪一个，回答你赞成哪一个，为什么，结尾老老实实强调一遍因为以上这些原因你赞成哪一个，这样就可以了。不用去升华到别人是不是应该神马的。

书小妞UID: 2852591

6,27赞成在家利用电脑 和电话（work at home by using computer and telephone)工作，还是去公司的办公室（company‘s office）工作10,5,22

With the explosive science and technology, our society have been changed in a number of ways, one of the notable being work's place. Many people choose to work at home instead of company's office by using computer and telephone. However, I tent to disagree with this kind of choice. I will explain my opinion form following reasons.

Nowadays, people with a glowing number tent to live under the illusion that working at home is a better than working at company. However, the information which I have collected over the last few years leads me to believe that working at home is not as good as people imagine. It is well known, people who work at company can cultivate the interpersonal skill by the communication between colleague face to face, which is conductive to enhancing promotion opportunities. While working at home will lower the ability of communication or even develop a solitary character which may produce a unfavorable effect on the our career development or even our life. In addition, seldom communication will, to a large extent, brings unwanted negative effect on the team work and development of company.

People who choose to work at home seem to fail to take into account that the environment of home is not suitable for them to work. In other words, people may be distracted by various situations and things when they are working at home. Taking my sister's experience as a example, she was working in her room while my mother and I were watching TV last Friday. The program was very attractive for her, so she could not concentrate her energies which lead to a low effectivity of work and delayed the delivery time of report finally. In light of this, no one can deny that the environment of home has an unfavorable impact on effectivity work.

Moreover, it should be noted that using the computer and telephone to deliver information and work appoint often bring some indispensable trouble and problems. For example, my friend complained to me that her’s report did not be mailed to her manager in time duo to some problems of her computer, which led her to lose the promotion opportunity. In fact, few people understand their computer well enough to fix them, and as our works depend on this technology to achieve and deliver, a single broken computer can result in a lot of havoc.

To sum up, from what we have discussed above, it is safely to draw a conclusion that people should not be encouraged to work at home, because it has various disadvantages such as low effectivity of work, seldom communications, which do not benefit to the person, his/her team or even his/her company.

书小妞UID: 2852591

按国宝姐姐批注的修改之后，总结了自己文章的主要缺点，1、举例总是很模糊（精确到一个点上的例子才有说服力） 2、开头总是忘了表明立场 3、启程转何处要写的更自然，不然就会有生硬的感觉 4、关键词汇使用准确性不够。  希望通过不断地练习和修改能改掉这些不足之处。。。fighting
It is undeniable that elementary education is the foundation of the development of a country. However, universities also play an indispensable role  in the process of a country’s progress. However, it should be noted that university also have extremely effect on our society’s progress. So I tent to not entirely agree with the statement that a government should focus its budgets more on young children’s education rather than on universities. In fact, I think that a government should be encouraged to set aside enough budgets for both young children’s education and universities.
First, it is a good sign to see that a government provides a large amount of money to young children’s education because it is conductive to enhance the whole civil scientific literacy and lays a firm foundation for one society’s progress and the further studies of one person. In fact, countries of a growing number begin to realize the importance of elementary education and focus more budgets on it. For example, China had invested a lot of funds to implement the nine-years compulsory education in the last decades. This act produced a positive effect on the improvement of China such as the significant decreasing of illiteracy and enhanceing the effectivity of work and won praises from the whole society.
Nowadays, taking into account the advantages of fundamental education, many people tent to live under the illusion that investment in primary education alone can ensure a country’s progress. However, the information which I have collected during the last decades leads me to believe that the successful development of a country has a close relationship with university education besides primary education. It is well known the university provides practical knowledge and skills which we cannot obtain from the elementary school but is essential and crucial to the society’s development. Take physics for example, most of knowledge of physics we learned in elementary school is simple concept, which can hardly be used in practical activities. However, when we go to university, we can learn knowledge about how to make mechine and and fix it which is deeper and more specifically than elementary physical knowledge and play a important role to promote the development of industry. In addition, as you know, science and technology, to a large extent, decide the destiny of a country. The researches and innovations achieved by universities which directly promote the science and technology are far greater than primary schools’s. In light of this, no one can deny that the university should be given an equal budgets as the young children’s education should if we want to achieve successful development of a country.
To sum up, from what have been discussed above, we can safely draw a conclusion: without either the elementary education or universities. the progress of a country cannot be realized. Hence, we should treat them equally without undue emphasis on either one of them.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

4# 书小妞

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
To achieve successful development of a country, a government should focus its budgets more on young children’s education rather than on universities.

It is undeniable that elementary education is the foundation of the development of a country. However, universities also play an indispensable role (You play a role or enjoy/have a status, but not ‘play a status’.) in the process of a country’s progress. In fact, I think that a government should be encouraged to set aside enough budgets for both young children’s education and universities. (The question specifically asks whether you agrees or disagrees with the statement. You need to answer this question first – that you do not entirely agree with the statement – before raising your own opinion.)

First, it is a good sign to see that a government provides a large amount of money to the young children’s education because it is conductive (‘conductive’? not ‘conducive’?) to enhance the whole society’s quality, (I must really question what ‘the society’s quality’ means..it’s only very recently that Europe starts to talk about ‘social quality’, but that doesn’t equal to ‘the society’s quality’ whatsoever. So ‘the society’s quality’ is, to my suspicion, a re-translation of the Chinese translation of ‘social quality’. Plus, even ‘social quality’ would be too big a topic to be addressed so casually.) and lays a firm foundation for one society’s progress and the further studies of one person. In fact, countries of a growing number begin to realize the importance of elementary education and focus more budgets on it. For example, China had invested a lot of funds to implement the nine-years compulsory education
in the last decades. This act produced a positive effect on the improvement of China (This is very vague. What kind of improvement is ‘the improvement of China’?) and won the high praises from the whole society.

Taking into account the advantages of fundamental education, many people tent to live under the illusion that investment in primary education alone can ensure a country’s progress. (That is quite an abrupt turn. You’ve been singing praises for investments in young children’s education for an entire paragraph, saying that it improves China and all, and now you say this is all an ‘illusion’?..You could at least have used a ‘but’ to signal the change in the direction of your discourse. And, without that ‘alone’, the meaning of the entire sentence is totally different – without the ‘alone’, it means ‘investment in primary education cannot ensure a country’s progress’, which is exactly the opposite of what you were just trying to argue for.) However, the information which I have collected during the last decades leads me to believe that the successful development of a country has a close relationship with university education besides primary education. It is well known the university provides professional knowledge and skills which we cannot obtain from the elementary school but is essential and crucial to the society’s development. Take the physics for example. In primary school, the teacher just instructs us on the general conceptions and simple formulas in the course of physics, which is aims to lead us to know into this fabulous subject. But when we go to university, we can learn the deeper and more specifically knowledge about physics, which can be used in the practice and to promote the development of the society (I’m just curious: how on earth would physics promote the development of the society? You’ve been talking about this in very generic, vague terms, without any solid real-life example to support your statements. Yes, you cited the primary school teacher, but that’s only one part of the story. What about other parts? Again, this is what I mean when I say you don’t really appear to know what you’re talking about. Either that or you haven’t really thought about what actual acts count as ‘to develop the society through physics’.). In addition, as you know, science and technology, to a large extent, decide the destiny of a country. The researches and innovations achieved by universities which directly promote the science and technology are far greater than primary schools’s. In light of this, no one can deny that the university should be given an equal budgets as the young children’s education should if we want to achieve the successful development of a country.

To sum up, from what have been discussed above, we can safely draw a conclusion: the progress of a country cannot be realized without either the elementary education or universities.(Double negation..I don’t get why Chinese students are so in favor of this form..separating the two negations into two parts – ‘without either.., the progress…cannot…’ – makes easier reading and is actually closer to how we might say it in Chinese.) Hence, we should treat them equally without undue emphasis on either one of them.

总结：

除了有些长句子的组织比较奇怪以外，最主要的问题就是段落之间的铺排
– 第一个论点段你说了一堆elementary education的好，然后第二个论点段你说因为它这么好所以很多人都有关于它的illusion神马神马的 – 这句话我知道你想说什么意思，但是你表达出来的效果不是你想象的那样，是直接自己把自己给反驳了。。造成说虽然你的主要论点是两个都好所以两个都要给钱，但是后面的论述中你实际表达出来的却完全是另外一回事。。所以要根据你的主要论点为中心来组织语言，不要想到什么心里有什么就写什么 。

书小妞UID: 2852591

6,20 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
To achieve successful development of a country, a government should focus its budgets more on young children’s education rather than on universities.(09, 11, 07)* ]' C

It is undeniable that elementary education is the foundation of the development of a country. However, universities also play a indispensable status in the process of a country’s progress. In fact, I think that government should be encouraged to set aside enough budgets for both young children’s education and universities.

First, it is a good sign to see that government provides a large mount of money to the young children’s education because It is conductive to enhance the whole society’s quality and lays a firm foundation for one society’s progress and the further study of one person. In fact, countries with a growing number begin to realize the importance of elementary education and focus more budgets on it. For example, China had invested a lot of fund to implement the nine-years compulsory education in the last decades. This act produced a positive effect on the improvement of China and obtained the high praise of the whole society.

Taking into account the advantages of fundamental education, many people tent to live under the illusion that investment to primary education can ensure a country’s progress. However, the information which I have collected during last decades lead me to believe that the successful development of a country has a close relationship with university education other than primary education. It is well known the university provides professional knowledge and skills which we can not obtain from the elementary school but is essential and crucial to society’s development. Take the physics for example. In primary school, the teacher just instruct us the general conceptions and simple formulas in the course of physics which is aimed to lead us to know this fabulous subject. But when we go to university, we can learn the deeper and more special knowledge about physics which can be used in the practice and promote the development of society. In addition, as you know, science and technology, in a large extent, decide the destiny of a country. The researches and innovations achieved by universities which directly promote the science and technology is far greater than primary school’s. In light of this, no one can deny that university should be given a equal budgets as the young children’s education if we want to achieve the successful development of a country.

To sum, from what have been discussed above, we can safely draw a conclusion, the progress of a country can not be realized without either the elementary education or universities. Hence, we should treat them equally without undue emphasis at either one of them.

zjxdxokzzyUID: 3072531

独立改完~

书小妞UID: 2852591

自己顶一下，希望各位高手能给我提出建议。。十分感谢