14年秋季提纲互改小组-argument 3

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

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3) The following appeared as a letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner.
Over the past two years, the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been steadily decreasing while the popularity of skateboarding has increased dramatically. Many Central Plaza store owners believe that the decrease in their business is due to the number of skateboard users in the plaza. There has also been a dramatic increase in the amount of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza. Thus, we recommend that the city prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza. If skateboarding is prohibited here, we predict that business in Central Plaza will return to its previously high levels.
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

相关argument：171
请根据这里的指引列出提纲并点评楼上组员的提纲或直接回帖参与讨论。

ExcusesUID: 3925704

谢谢

青山为雪老UID: 3924795

:D

木冇鱼丸UID: 3925768

膜拜大佬！！

evanluUID: 2610121

请老师指教，谢谢！

From the letter to the editor, we knew the concern of the store owner, complained the skateboarding users in Central Plaza, where he opened the business. However, acting in accordance with the statement, there are few evidences prove that the fans playing skateboarding caused the decreasing business there.
The owner mainly talked about the resurgence of skateboarding sport in the Plaza, he or she indicated that the skateboarding users increasing and shoppers deceasing happened simultaneously, and conclude that it is the users who make the shoppers away. There is no discernible connection between the two shifts of numbers, unless we make a survey to shoppers, thus we can make sure if they were disturbed by users of skateboarding at the Plaza.

Likewise, the statement noted more frequent litter and vandalism cases. We also can't say the users of skateboarding are thieves. I suggest the owner should offer us the proof like video tapes from surveillance. Then we can make a judgement.

Moreover, fewer shoppers may be because of the Internet stores. People can buy what they want online, so it is not essential for them to go to the Central Plaza. If the skateboarding prohibited there, maybe fewer and fewer people will get to the Plaza, thus may make the business worse.

About the business,there is not enough information to show that if the whole city or state business situation. The decrease may be in a large scale. Even merely the slump in the Central Plaza, there are other possibilities to make it worse. Perhaps the store is outdated. The environment is not clean as before.

The owner's concern misapprehended the cause of the striking out the business. He or she should make more survey and then get a tenable conclusion to undertake additional efforts.

chrishong119UID: 3412641

    The store owner recommends that skateboarding should be prohibited in Central Plaza so as to   help the plaza return to its previously high levels with lots of shoppers. Well, in order to decide whether or not this recommendation and the prediction are reasonable, a few questions need to be answered. The answers could strengthen or weaken this recommendation.

    The first question which matters critically and need to be addressed is that whether or not the decrease of shoppers in Central Plaza is definitely due to the skateboard users rather than other factors.可能，滑板者与此没有任何关系，顾客少是因为别的地方新开了购物商场，位置优越、规模更大、环境更好、价格更优惠，也有可能是因为经济萧条，所以是整体性的事件。

    Second, does the number of shoppers in Central Plaza decrease after the emerge of skateboarding there? 可能，在滑板者出现之前，商场的购物者就早已减少了；甚至，滑板者还未商场带来了人气，很多人还来这儿就是因为这儿有滑板者，滑板者减缓了商场的萧条。

    Finally, the last question need to be clarified is that whether or not it is skateboarding that leads to the increase of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza.有可能，都与滑板者无关，乱扔垃圾是普遍的现象，在别的地方也一样，只是此plaza的垃圾桶少且位置不显眼，很多人就随手扔了；而且，在商场逗留的人也许只是简单的在那儿逗留，在那儿打发时间、等亲友等，而且，可能其并不围在滑板者周围。

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

ClaretZ 发表于 2014-11-20 00:20
这一篇直接上全文吧~
According to the letter, the author recommends that the city prohibit skateboar ...

你还是先提纲吧



3) The following appeared as a letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner.
Over the past two years, the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been steadily decreasing while the popularity of skateboarding has increased dramatically. Many Central Plaza store owners believe that the decrease in their business is due to the number of skateboard users in the plaza. There has also been a dramatic increase in the amount of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza. Thus, we recommend that the city prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza. If skateboarding is prohibited here, we predict that business in Central Plaza will return to its previously high levels.

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.



According to the letter, the author recommends that the city prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza predicts because it is the increasing popularity of skateboarding that decreases in the business, leads to increasing litter and vandalism. If the recommendation is to be accepted, three questions about the cause of the decreasing of shoppers, the increasing number of the skateboard users and the increase in the amount of litter and vandalism are still in desperate need to be answered.

recommend 后面的从句用should  
predicts语法结构
注意原文并没有说是increasing popularity 导致了...... 这里用词要小心
注意题目要求你提出问题来评估建议 而不是问你要接受建议的条件
感觉你第一段暴露出了不少问题  有些是表达方面 有些是对题目的理解
three questions about 后面跟的三件事并不是并列的结构 第一个提到cause 后面就没有了

still in desperate need 为什么要加这个短语？   


其实关于argument第一段的写法还是比较固定的  
或者可以做一些专项练习  

argument第一段的写法
第一句 概括claim和主要的evidence （你在尝试概括 但是表达和意思方面都有问题）
第二句 根据不同的指引 指出后面几段分别要讨论的几个方面  （你也有尝试这么做 但是措辞方面需要调整；一部分涉及你对任务的理解 一部分是语法结构的问题


  First of all, the author claimed that the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been steadily decreasing while the popularity of skateboarding has increased during the past two years, based on which he or she thought it is the increasing number of skateboarding that has led to the decline of business. The decline of the number of shoppers, however, may result from other reasons. For example, the newly populated Internet shopping, which let people shop very conveniently by surfing the Internet and sitting in front of a computer without stepping out of the gate, may be the reason that leads to the dramatically decreasing number of shoppers.

在这一段的开头 你没有指出要回答的问题  也就是没有正面回应题目




  What is more, the author insisted that the increasing popularity of skateboarding result to the decline of shopping. The reason and the conclusion, however, might be mistaken by the author because there is possibility that it is the decreasing number of shoppers that result in the low using rate of the enormous space in the plaza, which finally leads the plaza to become a great place to play skateboard.
问题同上


  The author wrote the fact of a dramatic increase in the amount of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza but he or she did not bridge the gap between the fact and the phenomenon of increasing of skateboarding. How can the increasing skateboarding directly lead to the increase in the amount of litter and vandalism? This is the question that the author needs to solve and prove because there could be some other reasons.

wrote the fact ?
bridge the gap 用在这里不合适


  Based on what has been mentioned above, three questions about the cause of the decreasing of shoppers, the increasing number of the skateboard users and the increase in the amount of litter and vandalism are still in desperate need to be answered.

ClaretZUID: 3567572

这一篇直接上全文吧~
According to the letter, the author recommends that the city prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza predicts because it is the increasing popularity of skateboarding that decreases in the business, leads to increasing litter and vandalism. If the recommendation is to be accepted, three questions about the cause of the decreasing of shoppers, the increasing number of the skateboard users and the increase in the amount of litter and vandalism are still in desperate need to be answered.
  First of all, the author claimed that the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been steadily decreasing while the popularity of skateboarding has increased during the past two years, based on which he or she thought it is the increasing number of skateboarding that has led to the decline of business. The decline of the number of shoppers, however, may result from other reasons. For example, the newly populated Internet shopping, which let people shop very conveniently by surfing the Internet and sitting in front of a computer without stepping out of the gate, may be the reason that leads to the dramatically decreasing number of shoppers.
  What is more, the author insisted that the increasing popularity of skateboarding result to the decline of shopping. The reason and the conclusion, however, might be mistaken by the author because there is possibility that it is the decreasing number of shoppers that result in the low using rate of the enormous space in the plaza, which finally leads the plaza to become a great place to play skateboard.
  The author wrote the fact of a dramatic increase in the amount of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza but he or she did not bridge the gap between the fact and the phenomenon of increasing of skateboarding. How can the increasing skateboarding directly lead to the increase in the amount of litter and vandalism? This is the question that the author needs to solve and prove because there could be some other reasons.
  Based on what has been mentioned above, three questions about the cause of the decreasing of shoppers, the increasing number of the skateboard users and the increase in the amount of litter and vandalism are still in desperate need to be answered.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

However, several questions about the reason for the decline of audience size and profits and the effectiveness of the proposed summer theatrical program. 这句话没有动词
One of them is the cost. 这句话出现了两次 说明你写得很赶
而且原题没有说过program少的问题
而你却用了一段在讲 the dearth of new programs
建议你先写提纲 给我修改后再写全文
你或许时间不够 不愿意这么做 那就等你二战再来找我吧

PS 你能把完整的report发给我看看么

gzc405933323UID: 3574833

tesolchina 发表于 2014-11-13 09:57
你可以把scoreitnow的评论和你的文章站内信给我看看么
感觉erater并没有强调主旨句和主题句的呼应 至少 ...

The following appeared in an e-mail sent by the marketing director of the Classical Shakespeare Theatre of Bardville.

"Over the past ten years, there has been a 20 percent decline in the size of the average audience at Classical Shakespeare Theatre productions. In spite of increased advertising, we are attracting fewer and fewer people to our shows, causing our profits to decrease significantly. We must take action to attract new audience members. The best way to do so is by instituting a 'Shakespeare in the Park' program this summer. Two years ago the nearby Avon Repertory Company started a 'Free Plays in the Park' program, and its profits have increased 10 percent since then. Therefore, I recommend that we start a 'Shakespeare in the Park' program of our own. If we do so, I predict that our profits will also see a significant increase."



Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

erater说检测不到thesis


         The argument negatively links the decline in audience number and profits to the lack of new programs to attract new audience members and hence recommends the 'Shakespeare in the Park' program this summer in order to attract new audience. However, several questions about the reason for the decline of audience size and profits and the effectiveness of the proposed summer theatrical program.
         One question for the author of the email is whether the decline in profits is mainly due to the decrease in audience size. If the theater does not have many audience originally, the 20 percent decline will not be significant. One of them is the cost. Besides the number of audience, there are several other important factors that can impact profits. One of them is the cost. Since profit is the difference between revenue and cost, a hike in cost might lead to the decrease in profit. If this is the case, it is recommended that the theater
take action to curtail cost instead of initiating a new program that might increase the cost. Another factor is the diminished revenue probably due to the decrease in ticket price. A decrease in revenue can also cause a decrease in profit according to the function between revenue and profit. Under this circumstance, the theater might need to increase the ticket price to optimize revenue. If other factors play a more significant role on decreasing the profit, the recommendation of the director is not justifiable.
           Another question the author of the statement needs to answer is the dearth of new programs is main reason for the decline of audience size. There are many other factors that can decrease the audience size. One example is the loss of original audience members due to the switch of preferences of those audience. Probably the work of Shakespeare is no longer popular among those audience groups. Therefore, it is more effective for the theater to research on the original audience's taste and make relevant adjustment to keep those groups of audience. Another example is the decrease of the advertising efficiency despite the increased advertising effort. Probably the advertisement of the theater is broadcast on TV or radio during the non-prime time or published on the obscure sectors of the magazine. Therefore, the increase in advertising input doesn't necessarily lead to an increase in the number of audience reached by the advertisements. If the lack of new programs is not the main reason for the decrease in audience size, the recommendation for a new program is unwarranted.
           Even assuming that the decline in audience is due to the lack of a new program, it is not appropriate for the marketing director to determine that the 'Shakespeare in the Park' program to be effective based on the success of a similar program in Avon Repertory Company. The marketing director needs to figure out the question whether the program can lead to at least the same amount of increase in audience number and revenue. If the answer to the question turns out to be true, then the recommendation of the marketing director is advisable. In order to answer this question, the marketing director need to find out whether Avon and Classical are dealing with groups of audience of the similar preferences and the cost of the program are the same for the two theaters.
            In sum, before implementing the recommendation for the new program of 'Shakespeare in the park', it is recommended that the company management research on the customer preferences, the cost of the company and the effectiveness of the program. Those are the major factors that provide a sound basis for the success of the program in boosting audience size and profits.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

gzc405933323 发表于 2014-11-13 02:46
王老师，有一个小小的疑问。我用scoreitnow来改作文，就是ETS官方用erater改作文的服务，发觉最后评价的时候 ...

你可以把scoreitnow的评论和你的文章站内信给我看看么
感觉erater并没有强调主旨句和主题句的呼应 至少我看的文献没有提到
同时erater是和human rater分别评分的 所以不要太担心这种不合理的评判
整个算法比我们想象的要复杂 或许要对它有信心吧
当然 能否用一个完整的复杂句来概括观点是最好的

gzc405933323UID: 3574833

王老师，有一个小小的疑问。我用scoreitnow来改作文，就是ETS官方用erater改作文的服务，发觉最后评价的时候它只把第一段的最后一句当thesis。那按照1+3模型thesis通常是要两句话，那么不就有可能被判main idea跟thesis对应不上？是不是把thesis部分的两句拼成一句会好一点？

lisa_CUID: 2678347

tesolchina 发表于 2014-10-27 21:57
这个版本挺好 感觉第四个点略嫌牵强

回头把第四点删了，一开始想放在第一段一起说，觉得不妥就扔到最后一段了，多谢王老师！

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

raikkonen36 发表于 2014-10-28 20:50
1.        decrease in their business和the number of skateboard users 关系
2.        the popularity of skateboardi ...

你这个提纲真够简略的  
个人感觉第二个point没有必要
注意题目要求是提出需要回答的问题
所以每段都要讨论各自问题  
最好写一个详细一点的英文提纲和汉语展开

raikkonen36UID: 2871931

1.        decrease in their business和the number of skateboard users 关系
2.        the popularity of skateboarding 和the number of skateboard users的关系
3.        the popularity of skateboarding 和amount of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza的关系
4.        skateboarding is prohibited here的可行性
我一般打算压缩成三点来写，老师你的意思呢。