牛奔奔 作文练习帖

牛奔奔UID: 3232412

7月20日开始参加2015年AW同主题练习

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授权声明

本人为寄托ID：  牛奔奔的持有人，现通过寄托论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本帖中本人的习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。


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英语学习背景

T 27 G 3.5


GRE考试时间：8月29

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牛奔奔UID: 3232412

目录
3楼    7.20  issue 91 （全文）—已点评 —已修改
4楼    7.21  argument 165 （全文）—已点评 — 已修改
5楼    7.22  issue 78 （全文）—已点评 —已修改
6楼    7.23  argument 62 （全文)—已点评 —已修改
7楼    7.27  一周总结反馈
8楼    7.27  issue 100 （全文）—已点评 —已修改
9楼    7.28  argument 100 （全文）—已点评 —已修改
10楼  7.29  issue 105 （全文）—已点评 —已修改
13楼  7.30  argument 34 （全文）—已点评 —已修改
14楼  8.3    一周总结反馈
15楼  8.4    issue 62 （全文）
16楼  8.5    argument 14（全文）
17楼  8.6    argument 91 （全文）

牛奔奔UID: 3232412

91) The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that they have more leisure time.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.  


Evidently, technological progress has changed our daily life in a fundamental way. While enjoying the conveniences that technological advancements bring to us, it is very worthwhile to contemplate the primary goal of technological development and its accompanying benefits. I agree that technological advancement serves primarily to increase working efficiency in a various industries, while it’s not always necessarily true that improved efficiency would definitely result in more leisure time for everyone. It actually depends on the specific type of the work technology. The distinctions among scientific researches, routine business work and household chore will show significantly different consequences brought by technological developments.
你上次已经考了3.5分 比较好奇为什么要二战呢 要上4分其实还是挺难的 可能付出努力了 也未必能达到 所以要有心理准备 摆正心态  如果有心提高的 可以加我微信 tesolchina

while enjoying的主语是it 这样是不对的  
contemplate the primary goal 搭配有问题  reflect on 改成contemplate就错了  
I agree这句没有回应题目中的should 这一点我的文章也做的不好 所以不能怪你咯  
你后面几个句子写得太冗长了  这样对你对读者都不好  


1 Researchers and scientists shared the greatest advantages to exploit the latest technological progress, while they are still industriously working day and night like before. 2 The rapid and mature development of Internet searches and huge amounts of database covering numerous fields have provided them with a perfect access to abundant useful information which is instrumental for their researches. 3 It saves a lot of searching time and boost their working efficiency. 4 However, simultaneously, it also poses more challenges for the research topics for all the scientists and researchers. 5  More interesting but also difficult topics which are difficult to start with or have trouble getting a convincing result in old days now are accessible and are brought back to the table.   6 And the standard of qualified researches are also becoming stricter given improved conditions. 7  For example, Behavior economists now could conduct online experiments instead of spreading out the questionnaire. 8  A reduction in the time of information collection doesn’t mean they could enjoy more leisure time, but even requires them to spend more time to design more intricate experiments to have more accurate and compelling results for the purpose of analyzing human’s behaviors. 9 Another example would be the prevalence for supercomputers. 10 With mighty calculation capacities, scientists are encouraged to delve into more complicated and challenging research questions, thus demands more time and effort.

这一段一看就太长了  一般段落的篇幅限制在5-6句   你竟然写了10句
第1句不知道你在说什么  明显没有概括全段
第6句才举例  前面说理太长太复杂  
你要学会一段只写5句话
你写到后来已经忘记了题目的关键词了  
spreading out the questionnaire搭配 这个为什么不如online experiment?
而且你的例子太多 却没有解释为什么这个例子能支持论点



For routine business blue-collar workers, the working efficiency is largely improved by the introduction of machines and equipment. The sophisticated assembly line technology free workers from tedious and monotonous work, there are only several workers needed to ensure the smooth operation of those machines and perform the tasks of maintenance. Nevertheless, instead of bringing more leisure time for those workers, it actually generates two problems. One is the increasing unemployment, since many of them are replaced by machines. Another is that if they are still needed and not fired, the saved time would also not be used to grant them more holidays, instead, they will be kept working late every day, because firms need to produce more to maximize their profit, thus the benefit of technological changes will almost go into firms and there is little left for those low-skilled workers. In this case, they also cannot get more leisure time.

unemployment和leisure time 有什么关系 例子与主题无关啊


On the contrary, housewives benefited from various appliances to increase work efficiency and thus gain more leisure time for themselves. They use vacuum cleaner to clean the floor, use laundry machines to wash the clothes, and use different kitchen appliances to cook, those smart cooking machines can be programmed and timed to achieve different goals. Furthermore, by online shopping in EBay and Amazon for example, housewives could save time driving or working to the shopping mall. Since there are not intense competitions and harder tasks like scientists face, as well as no threat from being fired or exploited, housewives could fully enjoy more leisure time brought by technological development.

可能是受了我的范文的误导 写到这里没有回应题目中should的关键词
你用housewives替代retired people还是挺好的  


Consequently, technological advancements increase people’s working efficiency ubiquitously, covering nearly all the industries. But for some occupations, people need to worker even harder to face fierce competition and deal with more challenging tasks, while for others such as housewives, more leisure time arises, since housework itself is almost unchanged but now could be finished more quickly with the help of technological innovation.

是看了老师的范文后所写的，第一次写时间花费很久，用了一个小时20分钟，主要是刚开始的时候在想如何使用1+3模型，如何按照老师范文的思路写又不被其限制住，这部分用时很久。后来写着写着打开思路就要好一点，但是一些语句斟酌也花了一些时间。感觉看到题目后如何快速的立出丰富复杂的论点还是需要不断训练和积累的。


总的来说你的结构和语言表达都挺好。限时的问题必须重视，可以先构思打腹稿再计时写。另外，我这篇范文写得不好，需要重写，你自己再考虑一下吧。

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主要问题汇总：

问题1： 句子冗长
问题2：例子没有解释为什么支持论点， state clearly about （逻辑性不强）.
问题3：例子与主题无关
问题4：分论点没有回应题目中的关键词：should

加红部分为分论点回应should关键词，也是每段的主旨句。(第1,2,4段)

Evidently, technological progress has changed our daily life in a fundamental way, when we are enjoying the conveniences brought by technological advancement, it is very worthwhile to reflect on its primary goal and accompanying benefits. I agree that technological advancement are supposed to serve primarily to increase working efficiency in a various industries, while in terms of leisure time, the distinctions among scientific researches, routine business work and household chore will show significantly different consequences.

1. In the scientific field, although technology aims primarily to increase researchers and scientists' working efficiency as it should be, the life of researchers and scientists is still busy, or even busier than before. 2. For example, the rapid development of Internet search engines and abundant database covering every specific filed cut down a lot of searching time for scientists,  and provide an access to more relevant and useful information. 3. Therefore,  technology boosts their working efficiency. 4. However,  the standard of qualified researches are also becoming stricter given improved conditions, thus posing more challenges for scientists to polish their ideas and draw more insightful conclusions to satisfy the need of society and academia. 5. In this case, researchers and scientists needs to spend more time and effort although their working efficiency is increased as a result of technology progress.

For routine business blue-collar workers, the working efficiency is largely improved by the introduction of machines and equipment. The sophisticated assembly line technology free workers from tedious and monotonous work, thus there are only several workers needed to ensure the smooth operation of those machines and perform the tasks of maintenance. Nevertheless, instead of bringing more leisure time for those workers, they are more likely to be kept working late every day, and assigned with additional tasks as firms need to produce more to maximize their profit, and keep up with the pace of technological changes. Thus the benefit of technological progress almost go into hands of firms, with little left for those low-skilled workers. They cannot enjoy more leisure time neither.

Lastly, it is obvious that increasing work efficiency should be the first priority of technological advancement in terms of households chores; housewives thus gain more leisure time as a result from various households appliances, as contrast to scientists and blue-collar workers. For example, they use vacuum cleaner to clean the floor, use laundry machines to wash the clothes, and use different kitchen appliances to cook. All the tedious household chore now could be done by machines and finished more quickly and efficiently. Those smart cooking machines can also be programmed and timed to achieve different desired goals. Furthermore, by online shopping in EBay and Amazon for example, housewives could save time driving or walking to the shopping mall. Since there are not intense competitions and harder tasks like scientists face, housewives could fully enjoy more leisure time brought by technological development.

Consequently, technological advancements increase people's working efficiency ubiquitously, covering nearly all the industries. But for some occupations, people need to worker even harder to face fierce competition and deal with more challenging tasks, while for others such as housewives, more leisure time arises, since housework itself is almost unchanged but now could be finished more quickly with the help of technological innovation.

牛奔奔UID: 3232412

165) Humans arrived in the Kaliko Islands about 7,000 years ago, and within 3,000 years most of the large mammal species that had lived in the forests of the Kaliko Islands were extinct. Previous archaeological findings have suggested that early humans generally relied on both fishing and hunting for food; since archaeologists have discovered numerous sites in the Kaliko Islands where the bones of fish were discarded, it is likely that the humans also hunted the mammals. Furthermore, researchers have uncovered simple tools, such as stone knives, that could be used for hunting. The only clear explanation is that humans caused the extinction of the various mammal species through excessive hunting.

Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.

According to the author, the extinction of various mammal species are the result of human's excessive hunting. An number of rival explanations should be explored before we assess the strength of the arguments about the exsitence of previous archaeological findings, discarded fish bone and simple tools possibly for hunting.

before we assess the strength of the arguments 这个放到前面好些
existence拼写
这个主旨句写得挺好


To start with, previous archaeological findings only indicate that humans fish and hunt for a living, without clearly mentioning which kind of animals that human hunt for. 7000 years ago, humans may only able to hunt for small animals, such as rabbits and deers, and those small to midiem size animals are sufficient for them to survive, making hunting for large mammal species less necessary and riskier. In this case, the finding of hunting for food of early humans might not support the conclusion that human also hunt for large mammal species and lead to their extinction.

这种题目的关键在于你要弄清楚你要解释什么现象
Previous archaeological findings have suggested that early humans generally relied on both fishing and hunting for food; since archaeologists have discovered numerous sites in the Kaliko Islands where the bones of fish were discarded, it is likely that the humans also hunted the mammals.
这里的现象应该是发现了鱼骨 而解释则是人也猎杀哺乳动物
那么你的解释可以是捕鱼已经足够维生  或者捕鱼的成本低于捕杀哺乳动物
注意这里分号后面的内容是为分号前的内容提供证据



Secondly, the discovery of discarded fish bones in numerous sites doesn't provide a direct and strong evidence that human also hunt for mammals, on the contrary, it may even severely weakened the conclusion that human hunt for mammals due to the absense of bones of mammals, compared with existence of those of fish. It's obvious that hunting for fish requires less energy and skills, thus there is a high possibility that early humans mainly relied on fish, and hunt little for mammals. If this explanation holds, human's activities shouldn't be accounted for the extinction of mammal species.

你这里将分号前后的内容强行拆开是不合理的
on the contrary, 前后的断句问题
所以这一段要和上一段合并



Lastly, the existence of simple tools such as stone knives may have other uses instead of hunting as the author suggests. Eearly human may use those stone knives to carve the cave for their dwellings, or just use it for decorations. They could also be used as a kitchen utensil to slice the food. Without any further evidence about the usage of those simple tools, we cannot say firmly that they are mainly for huntings.


这里提出小刀的其他用途是正确的方向 但是carve the cave 未免有些不靠谱  

你还可以提出其他的导致extinction的原因 题目的结论限制在 excessive hunting
你可以提出deforestation 或者climate change 等等  



In conclusion, based on the above discussion, there are alternative explanations that opposed the proposed explanations and thus weaken the conclusion that it is humans that lead to the extinction of the various mammal species.

————————————————————修改后的分割线——————————————————————————
问题主要有俩 1）审题 2）例子

According to the author, the extinction of various mammal species are the result of human's excessive hunting. Before we assess the strength of the arguments about the existence of previous archaeological findings, including discarded fish bone and simple tools possibly for hunting, an number of rival explanations should be explored.

To start with, the discovery of discarded fish bones in numerous sites doesn't provide a direct and strong evidence that human also hunt for mammals; on the contrary, it may even severely weakened the conclusion that human hunt for mammals due to the absense of bones of mammals, compared with existence of those of fish. Indeed, human may never hunt for mammals at that time. On the one hand, 7000 years ago, humans might not be strong enough to hunt for large mammals and thus only live on fishing; since fishing costs obviously less effort and provides with more safety than hunting for large mammals. On the other hand, fishing itself is sufficient for human in early ages to make a living, thus making hunting for large mammal species less necessary. In this case, the finding of fish bones in numerous sites might not support the conclusion that human also hunt for large mammal species and lead to their extinction.

Secondly, the existence of simple tools such as stone knives may have other uses instead of hunting as the author suggests. Eearly human may wear those stone knives for decorations, or for some early religious reason such as it has divine power and can protect them from harm or mishap. Furthermore, they could also be used as a kitchen utensil to slice the food. Without any further evidence about the usage of those simple tools, we cannot say firmly that they are mainly for huntings.

Lastly, the extinction of those large mammals could be ascribed to other reasons instead of human's excessive hunting. For example, an abrupt and sudden climate change may occur at some time, and change the environment in a way that is lethal to the large mammals, such as the slump in the temperature, or a severe earthquake. As a result, large mammals die out since they fail in adapting to this change. Another possibilty maybe due to deforestation done by early humans; since they need woods to make a fire or make their shanty. Therefore, large mammals lose their habitat and are exposed to more dangerous environment which they cannot hide and survive. Those explanation could also account for the extinction of large mammals, and make current explanation of human's excessive hunting less vaild.

In conclusion, based on the above discussion, there are alternative explanations that opposed the proposed explanations and thus weaken the conclusion that it is humans that lead to the extinction of the various mammal species.

牛奔奔UID: 3232412

78) People’s attitudes are determined more by their immediate situation or surroundings than by society as a whole.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

先自己构思了一会儿，发现问题很抽象，很难具体化没有可以成文的思路，于是去看了老师的范文，但感觉如果一直仿照老师思路写的话，自己审题、列提纲的能力将永远得不到提高。于是试着自己尝试写一下思路，并试图克服之前语句过于啰嗦，离题的问题，从反面写了一下。不知切题这方面做得怎么样……这次是构思完了以后再开始计时写的。文章30min写完，感觉构思的时间还是略长，如何迅速形成完整可写的逻辑和思路感觉是作文最难的这部分。


确实需要逐步过渡到自己思考和立论  


People form their attitudes toward every issue encountered in life by interactions with both their surroundings and immediate situation and whole society. I agree with the statement that immediate situation or surroundings such as individual's childhood experiences, opinions of closest friends and peer pressure play a more vital role in influencing people's attitudes than society.

childhood experiences算 immediate situation or surroundings 有点怀疑
总的思路还是不错的
的确可以反过来写 只要能自圆其说就好 这里的关键还是要将一些抽象的概念具体化  
而且opinions of closest friends and peer pressure貌似有可能重叠  



Childhood experiences have a huge impact on individual's character and thus their basic attitudes. Take a child who are raised in a divorced family for example. If he or she grows up in a environment where parents usually shout and fight with each other, they are very likely to have trouble trusting others from the bottom of their hearts, even though society always encourages us to love and trust each other. In this case, people will rely more on their personal experiences especially in the early age than society to generate some of their basic attitudes.

嗯 这里与其说离婚不如说家暴 family abuse/ domestic violence 等等  


Also, people's attitudes are more determined by opinions of their closest friends than the general view of the society. When the CEO of Alibaba, Jack Ma first tried to bring the online shopping into China and aspired to operate a platform for e-commerce in 1996, Chinese society looked upon down this idea and thought it doomed, as there even was no network in China. But his wife and closest friends understand the prospect of Internet and thus backed him up, and firm his attitudes to insist in this business. He didn't give it up at the darkest period when society turn it's back against him. In this case, opinions of closest friends and family weight more than society in determining people's attitudes.

通常名字在前 后面一个插入语亮出身份
firm his attitudes搭配 firm能做动词？
its 不是it's 这个是老美爱犯的错


Lastly, peer pressure that exists in an environment where people work and study are powerful in forming people's attitudes. For example, in some universities, the best way after graduation is pursue a higher degree abroad, while in others, fighting for a ideal job offer is highly praised and admired. Students' attitudes toward their future plans are highly dependent on the atmosphere or the immediate situation they are in. Peer pressure kept them doing the same things to keep the pace with others in fear of falling behind. In contrast, society's role is relatively trifling here.

the best way to do what?
is to pursue
断句 while in others前面用分号
你这段没有很好的演绎peer pressure  其实例子什么的都还可以 就是例子与分论点的结合还要加强



In conclusion, people depend more on their childhood experiences, friends and family and peer pressure the immediate environment exerts on than the whole society to determine their attitudes.

—————————————————修改的分割线————————————————————————————————

问题1：关于立论，分类的情况刚开始看上去并不是很合理：
childhood experiences算 immediate situation or surroundings 有点怀疑，
而且opinions of closest friends and peer pressure貌似有可能重叠 。
因此改成family environment, circles of friends 和 atmosphere of working or studying ，希望这样的分类可以更清晰一点、
问题2：断句

People form their attitudes toward every issue encountered in life by interactions with both their surroundings and immediate situation and whole society. I agree with the statement that immediate situation or surroundings such as individual's family environment, circles of friends and atmosphere of working or studying places play a more vital role in influencing people's attitudes than society.


Family environment where people grow up have a huge impact on their character and thus their basic attitudes. Take a child who are raised in a family with domestic violence for example. If he or she grows up in a environment where parents usually shout and fight with each other, they are deprived of sense of security and integral love as a result. They are very likely to have trouble trusting others from the bottom of their hearts, even though society always encourages us to love and trust each other. In this case, people will rely more on their personal surroundings especially in the early age than society to generate some of their basic attitudes.

Also, people's attitudes are more determined by their surrounding friends than the general view of the society. When  Jack Ma, the CEO of Alibaba, first tried to bring the online shopping into China and aspired to operate a platform for e-commerce in 1996, Chinese society looked upon down this idea and thought it doomed, as there even was no network in China. But his friends understand the prospect of Internet and thus backed him up, and strengthen his conviction to insist in this business. He didn't give it up at the darkest period when society turn its back against him. Consequently, opinions of surrounding friends weight more than society in determining people's attitudes.
   
Lastly, atmosphere in an environment where people work or study are powerful in forming people's attitudes toward future plans. For example, in some universities, the best plan for future career after graduation is to pursue a higher degree abroad; while in others, fighting for a ideal job offer is highly praised and admired. To make sure they are not deviating from "right track" of life defined by immediate surroundings and not be isolated, a large portion of students will make their life blueprint in the same direction with others. Thus, their attitudes toward their future plans are highly dependent on the what their classmates are doing. In contrast, society's role is relatively trifling here.

%加红为修改后的断句%

In conclusion, people depend more on their family environment, friends and atmosphere of school or companies. The immediate surroundings exerts more influence on people than the whole society to determine their attitudes.

牛奔奔UID: 3232412

Argument 62

argument 121 122 124

The following appeared in a memo from the director of a large group of hospitals.

"In a laboratory study of liquid antibacterial hand soaps, a concentrated solution of UltraClean produced a 40 percent greater reduction in the bacteria population than did the liquid hand soaps currently used in our hospitals. During a subsequent test of UltraClean at our hospital in Workby, that hospital reported significantly fewer cases of patient infection than did any of the other hospitals in our group. Therefore, to prevent serious patient infections, we should supply UltraClean at all hand-washing stations throughout our hospital system.”

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.


30分钟的时候还差一个结尾没写，后来补上了。先自己思考了一下思路，当时就想到两点（1）infection 传播可能不只通过手传播，其他诸如环境卫生，呼吸等也可能有细菌感染。（2） 那家infection cases少的医院采取了其他措施控制了infection的传播。后来看了老师的范围恍然实验室和医院的结果不一定有可比性，实验室不可能模拟医院可能出现的所有病菌。写的时候感觉"patient infection"出现的频率太多，也不知道怎么换词比较好，还有就是应该再提速，争取25min写完，而argument写作速度慢感觉主要还是逻辑链没有整理清楚的原因，这个在下次联系时着重把完整的逻辑链想好再下笔，可能效果会更好一点。
According to the director, UltraClean hand soaps should replace currently used ones in all hospital's system to prevent severe serious infections among patients. Based on the laboratory experiment and subsequent test, this specific hand soaps are more powerful in resulting bacteria population reduction and less patient infection cases. A number of assumptions has been made here. We need to examine closely those underlying assumptions to see whether the argument holds or not.

Based on-  According to  


To begin with, the assumption that the result of experiment conducted in the lab could be directly applied in the hospital is relatively weak. Different patients come and go every day in the hospital, bringing their specific bacteria.  It is obvious that experiment in the lab cannot replicate all the kinds of bacteria that might occur in the hands of possible patients, and then test the antiseptic capability of this UltraClean hand soap. Given this consideration, the result that UltraClean hand soap is superior than current ones maybe weakened, thus making the recommendation to bring in new hand soap futile.

不要说assumption is weak 只说需要进一步调查  
注意题目中有一个concentrated 这个词应该是关键问题所在   不抓住这个词 这段话就很难


Secondly, the argument assumes that every other condition is the same for the hospital which adopted UltraClean hand soap as others. However, it maybe not the case. Imagine that the hospital that used UltraClean hand soap may take other efficient measures to reduce patient infection. For example, patients are educated and reminded more frequently to wash hands than other hospitals, which might be the key contribution to the reduced cases of infection instead of the uses of new soaps. Another possible reason may be that there are fewer patients in that hospital compared with others, thus naturally leading to less reported cases. Without ruling out those possibilities that may be vital to the phenomenon observed in the test, we cannot say that it's UltraClean's contribution to decrease cases of patient infection.  

argument assume 搭配  
maybe not - may not be
Imagine that 删掉  
than other hospitals 比较对象不对
possibilities that may be vital to the phenomenon搭配
最后一句要回应主题句


Lastly, another important underlying assumption is that it presumes that hand-touching is the only way to serious patient infection. As a matter of fact, this could only be one part of the possible transmission channels, but not the only story. The washing frequency of patients' sheets and clothes, the environment of the rooms where patients live in, and breathes of patients all could serve as possible ways to lead to serious patient infection. However, hand soaps can only kill parts of the bacteria in the hands, thus cannot prevent all the possible ways that might trigger infection among patients. In this case, hospital should take measures in a whole picture to prevent serious patient infection and not just concentrate on one point.

assumption is that it presumes 重复了
hand-touching 选词
it is assumed that serious infection could only be caused by bacteria found on hands  
The washing frequency of patients' sheets and clothes, the environment of the rooms where patients live in, and breathes of patients all could serve as possible ways搭配问题  


Based on the above discussion, the conclusion that UltraClean should be supplied through hospitals to prevent patient infection is highly suspect if we scrutinize the assumption about lab result applied in the hospital, other measures that might be taken by the tested hospital, and other transmission channels for infection.

is highly suspect - 选词


***********************************************************************************
补充：今天正好去医院，看到医院上有感染科宣传洗手的海报，仔细看了一下，洗手的时间长短，洗手的姿势，都是有讲究的，如果洗手时间不足30-40s,或者洗手姿势不对，都是会影响杀菌效果的。感觉这可以做为一个例子来佐证第二个论点（引进新肥皂的医院采取了其他措施减少感染），等老师批改完以后可以加上这点再进行修改。

嗯 我再考虑一下   

***********************修改后的分割线*****************************************

这篇的主要问题在于 1）对concentrated的审核不够   2）各种搭配问题，并不是很地道

The director of large group of corporations claims that  UltraClean hand soaps should replace currently used ones in all hospital's system to prevent severe serious infections among patients. According to the laboratory experiment and subsequent test, this specific hand soaps are more powerful in resulting bacteria population reduction and less patient infection cases. A number of assumptions has been made here. We need to examine closely those underlying assumptions to see whether the argument holds or not.

To begin with, whether the result of experiment conducted in the lab could be directly applied in the hospital requires further investigation. According to the memo, the better antibacterial capability of UltraClean hand soap are revealed in the form of concentrated solution. However, when patients or nurses wash their hands, the key antiseptic elements contained in the soap will be diluted as water flows by, thus impairing its ability to kill the bacteria. Furthermore, experiment in the lab cannot replicate all kinds of bacteria that might occur in the hands of possible patients, which also questions about the application of experiment result in the reality. Given the above consideration, the result that UltraClean hand soap is superior than current ones maybe weakened, thus making the recommendation to bring in new hand soap futile.


Secondly, another potential assumption is that every other condition is the same for the hospital which adopted UltraClean hand soap as others. However, it may not be the case. The hospital that used UltraClean hand soap may take other efficient measures to reduce patient infection. For example, patients are taught in more detail about the scientific way to wash their hands - such as duration of procedure and the right gestures - and reminded more frequently to wash hands than those who are in other hospitals; which might be the key contribution to the reduced cases of infection instead of the uses of new soaps. Another possible reason may be that there are fewer patients in that hospital compared with others, thus naturally leading to less reported cases. Without ruling out those possibilities that may be vital to account for the phenomenon observed in the test, we cannot say that it's UltraClean's contribution to decrease cases of patient infection, and thus adopt the director's suggestion to promote this soap at all hand-washing stations.


Lastly, it is assumed that serious infection could only be caused by bacteria found on hands. As a matter of fact, this could only be one part of the possible transmission channels, but not the only story. The washing frequency of patients' sheets and clothes, the environment of the rooms where patients live in, and breathes of patients could all possibly lead to serious patient infection. However, hand soaps can only kill parts of the bacteria in the hands, thus cannot prevent all the possible ways that might trigger infection among patients. In this case, hospital should take measures in a whole picture to prevent serious patient infection and not just concentrate on one point.


Based on the above discussion, the conclusion that UltraClean should be supplied through hospitals to prevent patient infection is highly disputable if we scrutinize the assumption about lab result applied in the hospital, other measures that might be taken by the tested hospital, and other transmission channels for infection.

牛奔奔UID: 3232412

第一周加入这个活动，总结有一下心得：

Issue主要问题和解决方案：

• 句子冗长；
  应减少句子句数，每句都传达有效信息。
• 例子没有解释为什么支持论点，内部结构松散；
  应注意段落间句与句的逻辑结构。
• 例子与主题无关；
  所有例子都要紧扣论点，解释主题。
• 分论点没有回应题目中的关键词；
  审题要仔细，尤其是通过一些关键词抓住重点。
• 抽象类issue题分类的可能互有交叉或者与文章中的对应词联系不是很紧密；
  有逻辑给抽象名词分类具体化，选择恰当的词汇来表达，可能要好一点
  

Argument主要问题和解决方案：

• 审题：对于explanation的问题，重点是对出现现象的解释，因此第一步是要分清楚现象和解释。要合理得理解句子含义，千万不能生拆句子。
• 各种搭配问题： 可以多看看范文，看一下结构性用词是如何搭配，尽量避免搭配不合适的问题；需要避免语意重复的问题，保证句子的clarity.
• 断句问题： 该结束一句话就要结束，意思太多可以分多句来表达。
  

总的来说，立论和表达两者相辅相成，缺一不可。立论的话通过边审题边积累，补充自己想不到或者漏掉的点，找到打开思路的方法。表达尽量避免单一化表达，多积累，多变化，多应用。

牛奔奔UID: 3232412

100) Colleges and universities should require their students to spend at least one semester studying in a foreign country.
Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.


这次用时42min...时间过久了。开始大概想好三点就开始写，但是写的时候发现语句组织起来比较有困难，就是思想表达起来没有那么流畅， 导致一句话翻来覆去得说，还觉得好像不是很恰当的表现出观点。。可能是因为最近接触完整英文文章比较少，导致语感很不好...写出来的句子自己也不是很满意。就是有那种心中想要达到的感觉和实际表现出来之前有误差的感觉...嗯。。

换句话说，就是非常害怕自己把gre作文写成了toefl作文，因此下笔的时候感觉很踌躇。看了老师的博客，说要有干货支持，我觉得这是gre作文和toefl作文最大的不同之处。我理解的干货 1)是有层次的观点 2）是丰满详实的例子。但是感觉积累干货很有难度，更是不知道方向在哪里，从何处起步，不知道老师有什么好的建议没有？ 谢谢！
其实我说的干货还要更具体一些-是指一些题目中没有提到的概念。比如说这道题，有同学反对的理由是没时间、也有人说没钱，这里的钱和时间都是原题没有提到的，就是我说的干货。当然钱和时间是比较容易想到的，有时候就需要想一些别的干货概念。其实有了干货，观点和例子就自然来了。

Nowadays, more and more college and universities' students have the opportunity to go abroad, especially spending one or two semesters in a different country as exchange programs. In the process, they experience a totally novel and exciting life and enjoy the exotic culture. Sounds perfect, right? However, I don't agree with the statement that every student is required to spend at least one semester studying abroad,断句 broader consideration about students' major, their own attitudes as well as financial status need to be taken before we implement this school policy.

as exchange programs- 选词 through ...
Sounds perfect, right? 选词 有待你口语化
consideration about .. taken可以这么用么  句子结构




To begin with, although studying abroad could bring you a new perspective toward the subject you are currently learning and inspire you a lot; not all the majors benefit from studying in a different country. For example, some majors which requires specific local knowledge and experience such as laws make studying abroad unnecessary. Given the different situations in different countries, the suitable laws are distinct among nations. Furthermore, how law is executed also diverges a lot. Thus students in law school may have more motivation to be familiar with domestic laws and relevant cases, instead of going to a foreign country, spend one semester or two, and end up with some knowledge not useful for them to become a lawyer.

you 选词
although的分句不能用分号结束 句子结构
major - benefit 搭配 major 前面必须加课目才能表示主修某科的学生  
some majors which requires specific local knowledge and experience such as laws make studying abroad unnecessary.搭配  
the suitable laws are distinct among nations 搭配
Thus students in law school may have more motivation to be familiar with domestic laws and relevant cases, instead of going to a foreign country, spend one semester or two, and end up with some knowledge not useful for them to become a lawyer.句子结构

你的语言表达问题好大  



Secondly, implementing this policy to all the students might also waste a lot of time for students who don't have an interest in going abroad. Some students may already set up their future career goals even before they go to colleges, such as starting their own business. Time in the university is very precious for them since they need to investigate into the markets they are aim at.  Going abroad thus has a high opportunity cost for them since they could have exert this time to full uses according to their own wills. Additionally, some students are not good at English, they even have difficulties communicating with others. If they are forced to go out to another country, they may have little chance enjoying life abroad, but feel extreme lonely and solitude.

主旨句不合适  学生对出国没兴趣 这个不算一个合适的理由  不好展开讨论 你后面的讨论基本上偏离了兴趣的问题  扯到career time English等等  整段内容很混乱



Lastly, financial status also needs to be considered. Studying abroad even one semester is costly, with higher price level and consumption level. Considering different income levels of all the students in the university, some students would have trouble  affording this expense, neither do they want to put more burdens on their parents. In a worse situation, some students may even need to undertake a loan to finish their college study, and couldn't bear more liabilities. Requiring all the students to go abroad is out of the reach of those students, instead of improving their life and widen their horizons, this policy is actually making their life worse and poorer.

主题句不合适 没有清晰指出这个政策会带来什么后果  


In conclusion, the policy that requires every college and universities students to spend at least one semester studying abroad is unwise, since different students face different situations, and have their own attitudes toward going to another country. Their situations such as financial status and majors need to be examined, and their personal attitudes need to be respected. Only in this way going abroad can be helpful and valuable for students and free from being counterproductive.

******************************修改后的分割线***************************************

Nowadays, more and more college and universities' students have the opportunity to go abroad, especially spending one or two semesters in a different country through exchange programs. It may sounds very attractive and seems to be perfect at first sight. However, I don't agree with the statement that every student is required to spend at least one semester studying abroad; more aspects such as students' major, their abilities to adopt to a new environment as well as their financial status need to be taken into consideration before this school policy is implemented.

To begin with, although studying abroad could bring students a new perspective toward the subject they are currently learning and inspire them a lot, it does not hold true for every kind of discipline. Some disciplines requiring specific local knowledge and experience such as history, law, national language and literature, would find this requirement unnecessary. For example, courses of laws studied in one country may not be applicable to another country due to different situations worldwide. Therefore, students in law school may prefer to spend more time on domestic laws and relevant cases, rather than study overseas and end up with some knowledge not useful for their future career.

Secondly, students who have trouble adapting to new environment will also find this policy uncomfortable. The first obstacle they face studying abroad is languages. Some students may feel painful if they cannot understand lessons taught in a foreign language. Similarly, they may also find it hard to get along with native students as they cannot express themselves clearly and freely. Moreover, students might not be able to get accustomed to foreign food and foreign culture, thus they cannot fully enjoy daily life either. In this case, students who fail to integrate into new environments might feel extremely lonely and experience severe homesickness. Therefore, this policy is not suitable for those students, either.

Lastly, it is also very important to consider students' financial status to check the applicability of the proposed policy. Studying abroad even one semester is costly, with higher price level and consumption level. Considering different income levels of all the students in the university, some students would have trouble affording this expense, neither do they want to put more burdens on their parents. In a worse situation, some students may even need to undertake a loan to finish their college study, and couldn't bear more liabilities. Requiring all the students to go abroad is out of the reach of those students, instead of improving their life and widen their horizons, this policy might actually making their life worse and poorer.

In conclusion, the policy that requires every college and universities students to spend at least one semester studying abroad is unwise, since different students face different situations. Their situations such as financial status and majors need to be examined, and their abilities to adopt to foreign environment also need to be considered. Only in this way going abroad can be helpful and valuable for students and free from being counterproductive.

牛奔奔UID: 3232412

100) The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
Jazz music is extremely popular in the city of Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Also, a number of well-known jazz musicians own homes in Monroe. Nevertheless, the nearest jazz club is over an hour away. Given the popularity of jazz in Monroe and a recent nationwide study indicating that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment, a jazz music club in Monroe would be tremendously profitable.
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

40min 写完后又自己修改了一遍。如老师之前点评指出，很多语句表达出问题是因为真实计时写作的时候，一方面要去思考怎么展开思路，一方面就在表达上比较随意，就很难集中精力，感觉本身还是表达不够流畅，自然和熟练的，在短时间的计时写作很难一遍写的完整和少错误 （可能这也是论坛上有前辈留足时间在考场上进行修改的原因）这一点是现在比较困惑的地方。

A group of developers from Monroe applied for a business loan to open a jazz club in Monroe because they think it's profitable. Their conclusion are mainly drawn from popularity of jazz in Monroe and a survey result about the amount of money spent on jazz entertainment for a typical jazz fan. In this process, the developers made several underlying assumptions. Before we check the strength of this argument, we need to examine those assumptions.
it will be profitable 动词用法 时态
conclusion are (is)


To begin with, the author implies that popularity of jazz in Monroe means that residents would also choose jazz music club as a way to enjoy jazz music. However, people who went to annual jazz festival or listen to radios about jazz music may be attracted by the exuberant atmosphere there, but they really know nothing or just little about jazz music; so they may feel less interested to go to a jazz club specifically. Additionally, the fact that a number of well-known jazz musicians come from Monroe doesn’t mean that predominant citizens in Monroe are interested in jazz and willing to spend their money going to jazz music club to entertain themselves.

关于musician own home这个点 没有展开讨论  


Additionally, this argument implies that the nationwide survey result of considerable amount of money spent by a typical jazz musician also holds true in Monroe. However, it may not be the case. Firstly, we don't know average spending level of a typical jazz fan on jazz entertainment in Monroe; maybe it's far less than nationwide average level due to the lower income for the whole city. Secondly, we are not clear about how those total $1000 money is distributed in different forms of jazz entertainment; maybe a large portion of them is spent on famous singers' CDs, or tickets for their concert, with going to a jazz music club accounting for an insignificant part. Without further information about the actual situation in Monroe, running a jazz music club is not as profitable as they might assume.

这段写得不错



Lastly, it is assumed that, as long as they open a jazz club based on the popularity and large amount of money people would like to spend, they could make a profit. Even if many people are willing to spend money going to a jazz club, a lot of things related to the operation costs and management of the club should also be taken into account to attract customers and thus make money. The decoration style needs to cater to jazz fan's tastes for example; the music the club presents, or performers they are going to invite also need to be excellent enough to arouse customers' aesthetic feelings and bring them euphoria. Meanwhile, the club also requires to control relevant costs, such as salaries paid to waiters and artists and fixed investments like furniture and stereo. Without providing a detail and comprehensive business plan how they run this business, the jazz club would be far from being profitable.


the club also requires to control 动词用法  




The decoration style needs to cater to jazz fan's tastes for example; the music the club presents, or performers they are going to invite also need to be excellent enough to arouse customers' aesthetic feelings and bring them euphoria. 这一句和前面的operation cost以及profit有什么关系 （句子衔接与连贯）






For the above reasons, this argument is not persuasive enough for the banks to believe that running a jazz music club is actually profitable and grant the business loan.

*************************修改后的分界线*********************************

A group of developers from Monroe applied for a business loan to open a jazz club in Monroe because they think it will be profitable. Their conclusion is mainly drawn from popularity of jazz in Monroe and a survey result about the amount of money spent on jazz entertainment for a typical jazz fan. In this process, the developers made several underlying assumptions. Before we check the strength of this argument, we need to examine those assumptions.

To begin with, the author implies that popularity of jazz in Monroe means that residents would also choose jazz music club as a way to enjoy jazz music. However, people who went to annual jazz festival or listen to radios about jazz music may be attracted by the exuberant atmosphere there, but they really know nothing or just little about jazz music; so they may feel less interested to go to a jazz club specifically. Additionally, the fact that a number of well-known jazz musicians come from Monroe probably might suggest jazz, as an genre of art, thrives in Monroe in a more professional or academic way rather than in an entertainment or business way. In this sense, rather than going to jazz music club to foster their kids' sense of music, parents would prefer to send their children through rigorous training to learn jazz music.

Additionally, this argument implies that the nationwide survey result of considerable amount of money spent by a typical jazz musician also holds true in Monroe. However, it may not be the case. Firstly, we don't know average spending level of a typical jazz fan on jazz entertainment in Monroe; maybe it's far less than nationwide average level due to the lower income for the whole city. Secondly, we are not clear about how those total $1000 money is distributed in different forms of jazz entertainment; maybe a large portion of them is spent on famous singers' CDs, or tickets for their concert, with going to a jazz music club accounting for an insignificant part. Without further information about the actual situation in Monroe, running a jazz music club is not as profitable as they might assume.

Lastly, it is assumed that, as long as they open a jazz club based on the popularity and large amount of money people would like to spend, they could make a profit. Even if many people are willing to spend money going to a jazz club, a lot of things related to the operation costs and management of the club should also be taken into account to attract customers and thus make money. To cater to jazz fan's taste, a large amount of money has to be spent on the delicate decoration, for example. There could also be a significant expenditure for the club to invite the skillful performers to arouse customer's aesthetic feelings and bring them euphoria.
Meanwhile, the club is also required to control relevant costs, such as salaries paid to waiters and fixed investments like furniture and stereo. Without providing a detail and comprehensive business plan how they run this business, the jazz club would be far from being profitable.

For the above reasons, this argument is not persuasive enough for the banks to believe that running a jazz music club is actually profitable and grant the business loan.

牛奔奔UID: 3232412

Issue 105) Claim: Imagination is a more valuable asset than experience.
Reason: People who lack experience are free to imagine what is possible without the constraints of established habits and attitudes.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.


依然超时，大约40min完成，主要的时间浪费在：在初次形成主旨句的时候会比较难想清楚合适的表达；然后例子写出来以后感觉和TS似乎不太贴近，又回去修改TS。。

I do not agree with the claim that imagination is more valuable than experience. A large proportion of jobs in society ask for experience much more than they do for imagintion. Further, established habits and attitudes, instead of constraining imagination, on the contrary, is fundemnental and serves as a guideline for one's imagination. And we could verify this claim in occupations of drivers, doctors, scientists, and even artist, one area that claims to require most for imagination.
verify this claim in occupations- illustrate this claim with examples of ...
area that claims搭配


这道题可以分领域讨论 包括司机等等 但是另外两道题就限定是academic and professional fields 所以你还得想想那两道题怎么写



Many routine jobs emphasize more on experience than imagination. For example, bus or taxi drivers don't need any imagination to perform their jobs, but they value a lot about adhering strictly to the traffic rules and keeping a safe record. And an experienced driver knows much better about how to deal with emergency and thus can minimize the chance of accidents. Likewise, a veteran doctor is highly respected with encyclopedic medicine knowledge and careful treatments. When faced with patients with complicated syndromes, he or she prescribes more proficiently and confidently since they have seen those cases before and thus have a clear idea about how to tackle it. In this case, society views experience with higher value than imagination.   




she prescribes- 这个是及物动词 （动词用法）





For other works that requires creative thinking, experience plays a guideline role instead of constraints for people to think. Take scientist for example, when economists try to build a new model to suit for the current world, classical literature are the very foundation for them to refer to and form their own ideas. And if they are in a dilemma, they could also refer to the literature since others might encounter the same difficulty and share their ways to overcome it. Similarly, when physicists try to provide insightful interpretation of their experiment results, they need to use their established knowledge as well. Rather than imagining in a disordered or bootless way, experience provides researchers with the right or approximate direction and help them avoid some deadlocks.




classical literature- research articles on previous studies


Even in the field that imagination is considered the preponderant than anything else such as art, experience still has an fundamental role for one to express their feelings or imaginations freely. Every artist, for example, needs to learn how to paint from the scratch, from basic items such as apples and bananas to inner emotions or religious belief that are hard to describe. They need to learn the basic language or form to express their final imagination. In this sense, imagination maybe very important for an artists to create precious and valuable masterpiece, but imagination cannot even have the chance to exist or last without the aid of experience. Thus, even in this field, experience is more valuable than imagination.

the preponderant than anything else such as art - 句子结构 than前面要用比较级  such as 举例的对象不清晰
不建议写艺术类的例子   

In conclusion, experience is more valuable than imagination as it is essential to perform rountine jobs well, works as a guideline for creative thinking and paves way for art creation.  

















*********************修改后的分界线******************************
I do not agree with the claim that imagination is more valuable than experience. A large proportion of jobs in society ask for experience much more than they do for imagination. Further, established habits and attitudes, instead of constraining imagination, on the contrary, is fundamental and serves as a guideline for one's imagination. And we could illustrate this claim with examples of drivers, doctors, scientists, and even artists,  which seems to depend largely on imagination at first sight.

Many routine jobs emphasize more on experience than imagination. For example, bus or taxi drivers don't need any imagination to perform their jobs, but they value a lot about adhering strictly to the traffic rules and keeping a safe record. And an experienced driver knows much better about how to deal with emergency and thus can minimize the chance of accidents. Likewise, a veteran doctor is highly respected with encyclopedic medicine knowledge and careful treatments. When faced with patients with complicated syndromes, he or she can prescribe drugs more proficiently and confidently since they have seen those cases before and thus have a clear idea about how to tackle it. In this case, society views experience with higher value than imagination.

For other works that requires creative thinking, experience plays a guideline role instead of constraints for people to think. Take scientist for example, when economists try to build a new model to suit for the current world, research articles on previous studies are the very foundation for them to refer to and form their own ideas. And if they are in a dilemma, they could also refer to the literature since others might encounter the same difficulty and share their ways to overcome it. Similarly, when physicists try to provide insightful interpretation of their experiment results, they need to use their established knowledge as well. Rather than imagining in a disordered or bootless way, experience provides researchers with the right or approximate direction and help them avoid some deadlocks.

Even in the field such as paintings where imagination is generally considered more preponderant than anything else, experience still has an fundamental role for one to express their feelings or imaginations freely.
Every painter, for example, needs to learn how to paint from the scratch, from basic items such as apples and bananas to abstract element such as inner emotions or religious belief. They need to learn the basic language or form to express their final imagination. In this sense, imagination maybe very important for an artists to create precious and valuable masterpiece, but imagination cannot even have the chance to exist or last without the aid of experience. Thus, even in this field, experience is more valuable than imagination.

这一段的例子老师说不建议写艺术的例子，想了半天还没有想到合适的例子，还需要再想想。

In conclusion, experience is more valuable than imagination as it is essential to perform routine jobs well, works as a guideline for creative thinking and paves way for art creation.  

乱羽乱舞UID: 3024572

牛奔奔 发表于 2015-7-29 15:01
Issue 105) Claim: Imagination is a more valuable asset than experience.
Reason: People who lack ex ...

In the last but one sentence in Para 4, "... with the aid of experience", should be "without the aid of experience", I guess.  Nice work! I have to learn from your usage of vocabulary and insightful idea of examples.

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

牛奔奔 发表于 2015-7-29 15:01
Issue 105) Claim: Imagination is a more valuable asset than experience.
Reason: People who lack ex ...

来点评~
感觉你的思路特别好，我写的时候也借鉴了一下你的思路，学习了
有一些我觉得需要改的小错误，不一定对
1. 感觉don't这样的词似乎不能用在正式写作上，或许do not比较好啦
2. When faced with (facing) patients with complicated syndromes, he or she prescribes more proficiently and confidently since they have seen those cases before and thus have a clear idea about how to tackle it. 这句话的主语你开始用的he or she后来又用they，有点指代不明
3. Take scientist for example, when economists try to build a new model to suit for the current world, classical literature are the very foundation for them to refer to and form their own ideas, when they are in a dilemma, they could also refer to the literature since others might encounter the same difficulty and share their ways to overcome it. 这句话好长啊，感觉你可以在两个when前面加句号

一起加油咯！

牛奔奔UID: 3232412

Argument 34) The vice president of human resources at Climpson Industries sent the following recommendation to the company's president.
"In an effort to improve our employees' productivity, we should implement electronic monitoring of employees' Internet use from their workstations. Employees who use the Internet from their workstations need to be identified and punished if we are to reduce the number of work hours spent on personal or recreational activities, such as shopping or playing games. By installing software to detect employees' Internet use on company computers, we can prevent employees from wasting time, foster a better work ethic at Climpson, and improve our overall profits. "
"Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted."
29min 写完。不知道assumption这么找可不可以。。。

The vice president of human resources recommends the company to monitor and constrain employees' Internet use when they are at work, with the belief that this approach would force them to concentrate on working, and thus improve productivity and over profits. A number of assumptions about Internet use, casual relationship between this measure and increased productivity and profits need to be examined carefully to check the validity of this argument.

感觉很多同学都对work ethic这个概念视而不见 汗


To begin with, this argument claims without justification that staff only use Internet to do personal or entertainment activities while working. However, Internet may be helpful or even essential for them to complete their everyday tasks efficiently and accurately. For example, they could search for comprehensive and relevant information on the Internet when they wrote reports or documents. More significantly, Internet is indispensable for workers who perform kinds of teamwork, serving as a way to share their thoughts and update their working status with each other. In this case, Just identifying and punishing employees arbitrarily who use the Internet would become counterproductive and actually harm employee's productivity.


我对你这段提出的员工上网工作这个点表示怀疑 这个系统应该是可以识别哪些上网是工作 哪些是休闲的   从常识来看 公司不太可能惩罚工作需要的上网  

Additionally, it assumes that if employees are prohibited from surfing on the Internet, productivity would increase. But even if it holds that staff purely use Internet unrelated to their work, this measure may have trouble achieving its desired goals. For example, employees would like to relax themselves for a while by listening to music, or simply skim today's news on the Internet after hours of tiresome work. In this way, they are able to refresh themselves shortly and commit themselves to working with full heart. But if they are deprived of the right of relaxation and are forced to work without any breaks, it doubts that whether their productivity would really go up instead up plunging.


这个点挺好 我的范文里没有写这个点
it doubts that 选词



Another presumption is that installing this software would improve overall profits of this company. However, it neglects the cost of this monitoring software. To begin with, we are not sure to which extent, the employees' productivity increases by implementing this measure. Also, we are not informed of whether the increased productivity would be enough to compensate for the expenditure about installing this software. Without a careful and thorough benefit-cost analysis, the conclusion of overall profits would improved accordingly is invalid.


其实软件成本不限于安装 还包括开发或者购买、维护等等 这些细节可以调整一下


In conclusion, the argument that this measure of monitoring employees' Internet use at work would increase their productivity and the company's overall profits is tenuous since Internet could be used to help with the work, staff need relaxation after hours of work, and cost of this software needs to be taken into consideration.


最后结尾部分的写法 还是要围绕assumptions展开 你这样写不太符合题目的要求  




****************************修改后的分割线**********************************

The vice president of human resources recommends the company to monitor and punish employees' Internet use when they are at work, with the belief that this approach would force them to concentrate on working, and thus improve productivity, work ethics and over profits. A number of assumptions about efficacy of this system, casual relationship between this measure and increased productivity and profits need to be examined carefully to check the validity of this argument.

To begin with, this argument claims without justification that this system could definitely reduce time that employees wasted on the personal and recreational activities . Yet, desired results may not be able to achieved due to several reasons. Firstly, as we know, employees would adopt alternative ways to surf the Internet, such as smartphone which connects to the Internet via mobile internet provider. Secondly, even without access to the Internet, face-to-face chatting or daydreaming will also take up a lot of time that might be used to work. Obviously, implementation of such  system cannot prevent time wasted in these ways. Without dealing with such scenario, time that employees wasted on the personal and recreational activities may stay in the same level as before or actually increase.

Additionally, it assumes that if employees are prohibited from surfing on the Internet, work ethic and productivity would increase. But even if it holds that staff purely use Internet unrelated to their work, this measure may have trouble achieving its desired goals. For example, employees would like to relax themselves for a while by listening to music, or simply skim today's news on the Internet after hours of tiresome work. In this way, they are able to refresh themselves shortly and commit themselves to working with full heart. But if they are deprived of the right of relaxation and are forced to work without any breaks, It is doubtful that their productivity would really go up instead of plunging. Meanwhile, monitoring staff's activities convey a sense of distrust, employees may be demoralized and lose the incentive to work energetically. In this case, work ethic is unlikely to be improved.
这段将work ethic 和 productivity 放在一起讨论。

Another presumption is that implementation this software would improve overall profits of this company. However, it neglects the costs relevant to this monitoring software, including expenditure for buying and installing, as well as maintenance fee to ensure its efficacy and protect it from hacking. To begin with, we are not sure to which extent, the employees' productivity increases by implementing this measure. Also, we are not informed of whether the increased productivity would be enough to compensate for the expenditure discussed above. Without a careful and thorough benefit-cost analysis, the conclusion of overall profits would improved accordingly is invalid.
这段细化了costs的可能组成成分。

In conclusion, the proposed software may be able to reduce time employees waste online for irrelevant activities through monitoring and punishing. However, it may or may not be able to reduce the waste of time and increase employees' productivity and work ethic successfully. Whether the system can improve the overall profits of the company also depends on the benefit-cost analysis of the system. More information has be to collected to examine the assumptions discovered above in order to reach a solid and convincing conclusion.
结尾段仿照了论文的写法

牛奔奔UID: 3232412

一周反馈总结

这是进入写作训练的第二周，相比第一周而言，又有一些新的更深刻的体会。

Issue：这周练习的第一篇issue （100）被老师批评语言表达问题很大，这次的点评让我发现了我写作文时候的一个非常大的缺点：就是每一句话好像想到哪里就写到哪里，根本不在意这是不是一个完整的句子，想着只要能表达意思就可以了，结果就是写了一堆支离破碎的句子。这次点评给了我很大的触动，因为我之前根本就没有意识到这个问题。在向ETS写一篇AW传达自己的思想的时候，我们可以也最应该首先做到的是把每个句子的句法，拼写写对，这是第一步，也是ETS非常看重的一步。只有心中端正态度，把最基本的东西做好，我们才能继续去追求后面的东西：词汇的丰富，句式的多样。

同样的道理延伸到审题和举例方面，其实不管观点多么简单，不言自明，都要认真得将这个点论述清楚。每句话都围绕论证的目的去写。老师的点评在主旨句是否切题，是否回应题目所有关键词, 以及分论点是不是足够strong去论证等方面抠的很细，让我也感觉到这是写essay的一种非常严谨的态度。很多时候我们不重视这个点，而去所谓追求例子的复杂，论点的深刻这些“形式”，其实都是舍本求末的表现。所以现在，我更愿意做的是严谨得去审每一道题，去扣每一个点，即使只是做简单的论述。我觉得单是能把这一点做好，就已经是一件很不容易的事情了。

Argument: 越写越觉得argument和issue其实是相通的，也是去找例子支持和论证自己想出的其他可能性。这星期发现三点值得改进的地方。

1）句子衔接连贯。A 句在说一个东西， B句马上转到下个东西，缺少从A到B 逻辑的连接，这点在做argument的时候要多多克服。

2）论证点。有的时候想的论点可能没有那么strong, 或者常识就可以排除掉自己想的这种可能性。因此在做argument的时候多对自己提出的可能性问问是否合适，也能使得文章反驳起来更有力量。

3）细节论证。有很多点可能只是提一下，并没有深入论证，这样写出来就比较空洞，写出来也没什么力量，反而削弱了全文。因此对自己提出的每一个argue的点都要做到展开，对自己提出的观点进行细化，说明清楚。

练习作文无论是自己想提纲，下笔写，还是动手修改，都是很辛苦的过程，但是相信坚持下来是会收获颇丰的。在这里与各位共勉，加油！

牛奔奔UID: 3232412

Issue 62

Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.
        
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.


挑了一篇之前之前的同主题训练，感觉这篇审题和下笔真的很难，自己思考的时候完全抓不住点也找不到论证的方向。仔细看了老师的点评，也看了当时其他几个同学的习作，觉得下笔扣题还是很容易走偏，即使知道大体思路也很容易写成“leader应该具备什么样的特征这样的点” 回应create 感觉比较难。思考的过程太长，又不敢下笔写，怕中途卡壳。这篇思路还是主要借鉴的范文。

写的时候30min写完， 但是之前想的时间太长了。

我觉得这道题其实出的不好，估计ETS内部也发现了这道题有问题，所以我猜出的机会不大。当然这只是猜而已。


In many well-established and mature institutions, leaders are not created by the demands lay on them. Instead, a person could also become a leader if he/she possesses strong communication skills, have a solid knowledge of accumulation and are equipped with experiences before he/she meets any kind of demands. However, leaders can also be created by the demands that are placed on them in special situations such as civil revolutions.

lay on them- laid on them/placed on them 这是过去分词后置
knowledge of accumulation不懂
civil revolutions 这是什么  


Strong communication skills are essential to generate a leader. Take the CEO of a company for example. As a leader, it's very important to place his/her employees in the right place where they could show their talents. To achieve this, communication skills play a vital role in having a comprehensive understanding about the staff. On the other hand, a leader needs to cooperate with other business partners and make a deal or contract which requires exceptional negotiable skills to bring in profits or benefits to the company. In this case, diplomatic people can also become leaders without satisfying any demand.

Strong communication skills are essential to generate a leader.
Strong communication skills instead of demand are essential to becoming a leader.  
As a leader, it 指代  
To achieve this这个连贯不错
diplomatic这种词不能乱用 和people with communication skills 意思是不一样的  


Moreover, well-established system of knowledge and personal experiences can also help one win a leader position. For instance, an excellent leader of stock analyst are not only required to have a solid accumulation of economic and financial knowledge in the fields such as macroeconomics, corporate finance and investments to form a basic framework for their analysis work, but also to be backed up with practical experiences to discern potential market changes, and thus to adjust the team's investment strategies to keep the high returns for its customers. A leader like that is dependable and will bring a high reputation for a security company. Again, they become leaders because of their own abilities rather than the demands.

其实not only but also可以考虑拆开在两句话里出现 或者用分号隔开 我一般不主张写这么长的句子  


However, in some special cases such as democratic revolution, demands actually create leaders. "Spring of Nations", which asks for democracy to replace monarchy and autocracy, was actually a need or demand of a generation in Europe dating back to 1848. Leaders arise that time to launch numerous battles against the old feudal structure are a response to the demands of multitudes at that time. So in these cases, leaders are truly generated from the demand placed on them.

which ask和前面的主语搭配不当   
the demands of multitudes 不懂




In conclusion, in most of situations where there are well-established rules of selection, leaders are generates by personal abilities such as communication skills, depth of knowledge and experiences. But in democratic revolutions leaders can also be created by the demand of that generation.