新GRE之作文互改小组、批改点评合集（2012/07/01更新）

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

原文出处。#GRE写作题库： argument task NO.1 （考古：村庄 篮子）#
引用部分：“Grounding on the finding of a Palean basket in lithos,previously only found in Plean, then synthesizing the two factor that the river is too deep and broad to cross and the reality of no finding of boats. The author concluded that the basket is not unique to Palean. It might seem logical at first glance, however, in order to evalute the argument fully, we need a considerable number of additional evidence that maynot compelling or didn't even appear in the argument.” 【原错照录】【找找看，你第一句的主语在哪里？谨记:英语一个句号表示一个完整的意思；一个句子要有谓语动词（&主语）】


其实“官方范文”这四个字并非品质保证（quality guarantee），而且这个说法或译法本身有问题，OG里的sample responses妥当的译法是“抽样例文”，按照不同分数段选出几篇来”现身示众“，并非”典‘范’“。
ref: 1.官方汉语释义 2. officialmeaning // 3.范、范文释义  4. sample meaning
      5.范文：语文教学中作为学习榜样的文章：熟读~|讲解~ 《现代汉语词典（第5版）》[商务印书馆]


优点：
1.符合基本的论说文形式结构：首段论点--【中间诸段分论点+理据】--尾段重述
2.由于1，所以文章有条理，读者（我）看着不费劲，能基本明白你要说的内容。

需改进的地方：
1. 首段有模仿的痕迹，如“...illogical...at first glance”，首段首句冗长且意义不清晰【一开头就用长“难”句（易主谓失当，读不通）把人噎住】。
2. 其他各段也有冗余意义不明的句子。

把以上两项指涉的句子改写，且在以后的写作练习中注意。

祝， Have more fun in writing& reading!

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推荐电影：The Great Debaters （或译为“伟大辩手”）观看要点：把影片中触动你的某场辩论台词笔录下来，研习它！

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

【2012、03、17整理：本篇原来放在文章开头。现在考虑到把1楼作为目录，因而把部分内容移到这里。】

ISSUE 92  
Educators should base their assessment of students' learning not on students' grasp of facts but on the ability to explain the ideas, trends, and concepts that those facts illustrate.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with therecommendationand explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

中心论点
应从何种角度来评估学生的学习效果：背记枯燥的事实 or 解释（分析）能力

注意：评估（assessment）不等同于教学（teaching）

正方：Educators should base their assessment of students' learning onthe ability to explain the ideas, trends, and concepts that those facts illustrate.辩护理由：1. 一个好的评估标准应该与教育目标吻合，能让学生获得良好的思考与灵活应用能力，适应职业上的需要，以及未来人生的挑战。2. 依据学生对概念、趋势的解释能力，能更好的反映学生对知识的实际掌握，并且将知识灵活应用到生活或工作中去。3. 如果只是测试评估学生对僵硬事实的熟悉程度，那么就会鼓励死记硬背（rote learning）、扼杀创造力。

反方：Educator should base their assessment of students' learning onstudents' grasp of facts.辩护理由：1. 测试学生对事实的掌握程度，标准统一、客观准确、可测量。2. 对于概念、趋势的解释能力的要求，有些理想化，但是不同学生有不同看法，难以用统一的标准来衡量，难于比较。3. 对于事实的掌握是解释分析能力的基础，尤其是对于低年级学生而言。教育者应把重点放在掌握事实的基础知识上，而且也便于测试评估。

读者可以从原题提取两种针锋相对的立场，（想象自己是法庭上的律师，或是擂台上的辩手）竭尽全力为其中一方立场辩护。之后切换到另一方立场辩护并反驳。通过这样的立场转换，可以磨炼读者的思考技能，就是要考虑双方面的利弊得失，绝不能只站在单方面的角度去看问题。真正开放的政策辩论与学术讨论，参与者除了发表自己的意见，还得倾听他人的“异”见--不同见解：一方面挖空心思去为自己辩护，另一方面也要吸取对方论点的长处。如此才能这才是像样的理性讨论，而不是意气之争。


【提供正反双方的意见，使赞成与反对都有充分发展的空间，目的是为了使同学们的思考更加开放，目光更加敏锐。在实际的应试写作中还可以持第三种立场--综合双方意见的利弊得失，采取平衡观点。世界很大很复杂，几乎任何事物都是多面体，作为人，要探寻真相、真理，就要尽可能从多个角度思考，这样才能得出相对准确的判断。】


OG （官方指南）3-4分评分标准
Score 4
In addressing the specific task directions, a 4 paper presents a competent analysis of the issue and conveys meaning with acceptable clarity.较充分且可以接受的清晰意义A typical paper in this category exhibits the following characteristics:
1.It presents a clear positionon the issue in accordance with the assigned task.
2.It develops the position with relevant *reasons and/or examples.
* [relevant: logical/directly connected with the subject]
　　逻辑相关（分论点要说的道理vs.所举事例 此两物理是否相关或无关）

3.It is adequately focused and organized.4.It demonstrates sufficient control of language to express ideas with reasonable clarity.5.It generally demonstrates control of the conventions of standard written English but may have some errors.

Score 3

A 3 paper demonstrates some competence in addressing the specific task directions, in analyzing the issue, and in conveying meaning but is obviously flawed明显漏洞或缺陷.A typical paper in this category exhibits ONE OR MORE一个足够of the following characteristics:  【语言制约逻辑】


1.It is vague or limited in addressing the specific task directions and in presenting or developing a position on the issue.审题与析题要用些心思并立论清楚。
2.It is weak in the use of relevant reasons or examples, or relies largely on unsupported claims. 理由或例子要相关
3.It is poorly focused and/or poorly organized. 始终围绕不离题
4.It has problems in language and sentence structure that result in a lack of clarity. 用词造句要明晰
5.It contains occasional major 偶尔大错errors orfrequent minor小错不断 errors in grammar, usage, or mechanics that can interfere with meaning. 如果能意识到并用意去克服这些不足，就可以升上4分。从错误中学习并提升

习作批改

SCORE 2

习作作者：amber_c

于 2011-8-22 20:52 编辑
It is suggested that whether a student performs well or not should be determined by if he or she possesses the ability to interpret the ideas, trends, and concepts that facts clarify, not to grasp mere facts. Admittedly, since the very purpose of education is to free students’ thoughts and spirits, such a recommendation is rational in certain circumstances, while under others it requires a second thought.

Only by knowing the concepts and deep meanings of facts can students have an insight into those facts, think out the objective laws among facts, and apply them to finding answers to questions or solutions to problems. I strongly agree that if we learn only facts we learn rather little. As the old saying goes, ’to read without reflecting is like eating without digesting.’ Consider the discipline of management. A student who just memorizes what is ‘SMART Principle’ but has no ideas how to meet the specific requirements as a manager, of course, will be a layman and fail to manage an enterprise. And another example involves politics. Without learning deeply about the interests between two opposite parties, one can never be a wise and savvy politician. Undoubtedly, comprehensive understanding of facts truly cultivates students’ ability to analysis critically what we encounter, which also sharpens our skills to adapt ourselves to the realistic society.

Since education is to set students’ thoughts and spirits free, it is of tremendous significance to lead critical and creative thinking. The men who innovate, create, or discover are usually those who concentrate on the ideas, trends, and notions of facts. History informs me that accepting on blind faith what we are taught we gain little, leaving brains lack of vitality. In the physical science, with in-depth study and vast curiosity of existing theories, people tend to challenge the experts and their opinions by pointing out the flaws, putting forward new hypothesis, setting up experiments, and sometimes drawing opposite conclusions. If Galileo had not been skeptical with the theory of Aristotle, history would not have found a great experiment on the leaning tower of Pisa. Even in the arts, students should challenge, for creating new works, established styles and forms. Claude Monet, one of the greatest impressionist painters, whose focus on light was far beyond objects, changed people’s impression on the structure of light and nature. In short, without skepticism and creativity, our society would never evolve and thrive.

Naturally, facts are the cornerstone of other stuff, without which the discussion above will amount to meaninglessness.In some fields, professionals require us to remember the simple facts, basic knowledge in other words. For example, it is quite unacceptable for a would-be surgeon to merely understand the concepts of surgery, however, hardly memorize steps and what deserves particular attention. Moreover, I even cannot imagine that an attorney, not familiar with laws, will win a lawsuit and credit. That is to say, under specific situations, such as those where rigorous theoretical knowledge is needed, facts are the premise of all to develop the following plots.

Based on the above, from personal perspective, it is desirable to strike a balance between deep thinking and facts memories. To cultivate and ripen students’ ability, education institutions might be advised to offer different curriculums and various activities.

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

正方：Educators should base their assessment of students' learning onthe ability to explain the ideas, trends, and concepts that those facts illustrate. 辩护理由： 1. 一个好的评估标准应该与教育目标吻合，能让学生获得良好的思考与灵活应用能力，适应职业上的需要，以及未来人生的挑战。 2. 依据学生对概念、趋势的解释能力，能更好的反映学生对知识的实际掌握，并且将知识灵活应用到生活或工作中去。 3. 如果只是测试评估学生对僵硬事实的熟悉程度，那么就会鼓励死记硬背（rote learning）、扼杀创造力。

反方：Educator should base their assessment of students' learning onstudents' grasp of facts. 辩护理由： 1. 测试学生对事实的掌握程度，标准统一、客观准确、可测量。 2. 对于概念、趋势的解释能力的要求，有些理想化，但是不同学生有不同看法，难以用统一的标准来衡量，难于比较。 3. 对于事实的掌握是解释分析能力的基础，尤其是对于低年级学生而言。教育者应把重点放在掌握事实的基础知识上，而且也便于测试评估。

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

argument 12 习作及讨论[url]https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1310247-1-1.html[/url]

没有处理题目要求：discuss... alternative explanations...plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument
先要梳理出题目的整个 原有推理链条：
结论：病人感染下降20%的原因（或解释）是使用U soap
理由：一是U soap杀菌作用更好；二是W医院报告的病人感染下降（20%）
【在一和二间建立联系：I. 病人原来的感染与某些病菌有因果联系；II. U soap能灭这些病菌；III. W医院报告涉及的病人/医生曾用过U soap，与报告结果构成有力的直接联系 <补充这三点加上两点理由及相应细节证据，才可推导出结论>】

证据：对应于理由一的证据是controlled lab study；
         对应于理由二的证据是最近的测试-医院报告。

梳理之后，你看看，证据是否支持结论？对于证据所呈现的“事实”，还有什么其他可能解释（题目要求你要做的事情）？

举例来说，你上面的response 没有考虑到一个基本要点20%的下降可能是由于其他因素造成，比如 report 不真实，visitor也参与test，严谨吗？或许是最近病人数量减少也可能导致感染下降， 或许是医生比以前洗手多了（不一定用U soap）也可能使感染下降，或许这所医院没有使用u soap（证据没有提供这方面的信息），等等。

一旦你能想出其他可能的解释，（原文没有为原推理提供严谨充足的事实信息），而这些解释又能“符合常理”可能存在，那么就能rival the proposed explanation（与原有解释对抗）--换句话说，会削弱原有论证的可靠性。

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

自产自销：）
同学们，你们不要让我失望哦。

若邻紫云UID: 3348717

我最近建了个aw互改群  有很多同学开始互改了  141616058

xingzouziyeUID: 3353852

panmingming2008 发表于 2011-11-6 11:39
本文源文见于：https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=1314925&page=1&extra=#pid1775556121 （板凳楼 ...

版主 请问您怎么才能让您给帮忙改一下作文啊？直接给您回帖可以吗？