1006G[REBORN FROM THE ASHES组]备考日记 by 中原527--战胜自己

中原527UID：2707367

8.这篇又是化工,一边写一边骂,真恶心的题材... 觉得自己的2,3段就是在讲一件事:这个技术could not be broadly actualized,是不是重复了... 算了,吃完饭来改. TOPIC: ARGUMENT71 - Copper occurs in nature mixed with other minerals and valuable metals in ore, and the proportion of copper in the ore can vary considerably. Until fairly recently, the only way to extract pure copper from ore was by using a process that requires large amounts of electric energy, especially if the proportion of copper in the ore is low. New copper-extracting technologies can use up to 40 percent less electricity than the older method to process the same amount of raw ore, especially when the proportion of copper in the ore is high. Therefore, we can expect the amount of electricity used by the copper-extraction industry to decline significantly. WORDS: 475          TIME: 00:30:00          DATE: 2009/3/6 17:32:50 Comparing the new technologies with the traditional ones, and then based upon the superiority in electricity reducing of the former, the author thus predicted an optimistic perspective of the new copper-extracting skills. However, to prove those hypothesize requires more work of reasoning and more relative background evidences.(用词很精彩，浓缩了题目的论点。) To begin with, the author might intensively conceal the purity of copper proceeded and the expenditure of replacing new equipment. Primarily, the quality of the products should not be overlooked. Admittedly, for its important influence in earning profits, cost should be considered as an important factor in comprehensive judgment of new industrial skills, whereas the quality and quantity of the products are even more decisive in determining practical value of certain new technology. As is self-evident, one industrial innovation could be broadly accepted only when its manufactures satisfied customers. If, for example, the new process of copper-extracting technologies failed to extract more pure copper, factories would never be willing to accept new technologies although the traditional one expends more electricity. In addition, the technical costs are undeserved slipped. When the CEO of one copper-extracting corporation endeavor to decrease their daily cost of energy, the primary consideration of him/her would be how much should he/she pay for the new equipment? If the costs of exchanging equipment, for instance, are much higher than the spending of extra electricity, one would require great act of will to eliminate old equipment. Since the expectation of the author established mainly in wide spread and broad using of the new industrial skills, he/she should not neglect the possibilities mentioned above. 新技术能否提炼高纯度的铜；更新新技术的投入可能要大于获利 What is more, the effects of the new technologies to environment as well face the similar challenge. Are those new industrial skills detrimental to ecosphere? There might be opportunity that the equipment utilizing those technologies would release great amount of detrimental gases or polluted water to our living circumstance. Actually, if certain new technology will be harmful to our generations, it would never be actualized. Since the author rashly skip this possibility while focus merely on the power saving, the optimistic perspective he/she expecting might never emerge. True, new revolutionary industrial technology rarely failed to influence our daily lives, nonetheless, before verifying its practical influences, the positive anticipation is somewhat too hastily. 合理的他因：对环境的影响 Last but not least, the author failed to take into account that there might be other alternative possibilities to reach out to the purpose of energy saving. Do there exist any chemical compounds that could accelerate the copper-extracting action? As is known to all, appropriate catalyst could lower the temperature required in chemical interactions and therefore reduce the cost of electricity. 额额额额，这个纯熟专业领域里面了，幸好ETS不要求考生对这方面需要很精通的知识… In sum, were there detailed background information demonstrating quality of the products and cost of the machine, particular description convincing the essential impact to circumstance, comprehensive deduction excluding other possible approaches, the expectation of the author would be more rational. 逻辑分析比较深刻，和前面几篇文章质量明显又是另外一个档次。 但第2段两个推理是可以分开说，两者之间并没有什么很密切的联系。新技术能否提高铜冶炼的纯度以及新技术的投入与获利。堆在一段里显得臃肿。 然后作者又提出合理的他因，即新技术对环境的影响 第三点，估计这位是研究化学的…但在AWINRO中ETS很明确表示了它不需要考生在专业领域里面的知识。

中原527UID：2707367

9    159.The nation of Claria covers a vast physical area. But despite wide geographic differences, many citizens are experiencing rising costs of electricity. A recent study of household electric costs in Claria found that families who cooled their houses with fans alone spent more on electricity than did families using air conditioners alone for cooling. However, those households that reported using both fans and air conditioners spent less on electricity than those households that used either fans or air conditioners alone. Thus, the citizens of Claria should follow the study's recommendation and use both air conditioners and fans in order to save money on electricity.
时间 30:00

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In this argument, the arguer points out that the citizens of Claria should follow the study's recommendation and use both air conditioners and fans in order to save money on electricity. To support his recommendation, the arguer claims that it is based on a recent study. However, at the first glance, the arguer seems to be plausible, but after a close scrutiny, it lies in several fallacies and logical flaws discussed below.

To begin with, the arguer neglects an important factor which the nation of Claria covers a vast physical area. This phenomenon leads to the different temperature in different region. Therefore, in common sense, with different temperature it is absolutely different costs on electricity. For example, A is natural cooler than B, so A must pay less electric money on fans or air conditioners because the residents in A have already felt cooler than B. Consequently, without consider this factor, the arguer's claim is open to doubt.
具体情况具体分析，C国幅员辽阔，气候不同
Secondly, the arguer fails to prove that it is the fact that all the electric costs which they have seen is the fans' or air conditioners' using cost. In other word, the arguer commits a false equal relationship between the overall electric cost and the fans' and air conditioners’ cost. It is entirely possible that when the residents are using fans or air conditioners, they also use other electric facilities, such as computers, televisions and so forth. Thus, without ruling out other possibilities about the electric cost, the arguer's claim can not convince us thoroughly.
电费因素，不仅是空调风扇，还有其他电器
Even if I was to concede that it is the fact that this overall electric cost is equal to the cooling equipments' cost, the arguer's point is also suspect. It is likely that the longer we use the electric facilities, the more opportunity (probability) they will be wrong (they happen to malfunction). It is absolutely possible that the saving money is so little that we can neglect it while the electric equipment is mighty expensive. Therefore, it may not save money if these facilities have something wrong as the result of long time usage.
不同制冷机耗电量
To sum up, this argument lacks credible because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To better bolster and strengthen it, the arguer needs to provide specific information about the electric cost and offer us more data of local temperature in different regions.
红色为自己后来先修正的
总的来看论点基本都击中点子了，而且正如666经常提出的，都比较充分地展开论述。

jorgeUID：108878

Good luck with your GRE!

Regards from GTER group.

中原527UID：2707367

万岁~终于可以安心写东西了

中原527UID：2707367

偶然看到此贴，觉得受益匪浅。特此全文转载~
其实，对于GRE，我们确实需要分数，必要时，非得用些应试技巧，这种功利心是难以避免的，但，我个人觉得，我们对它的心态应上升到另外一个高度，即，训练自己的思维逻辑写作能力，毕竟我们到米国还是得写论文，尤其是文科生比如历史系法律系艺术史系的童鞋们。

AW进阶手册——精确写作，完善逻辑
前言：有关英文写作，想必大家在经历了一定时间的AW磨砺后都会有所感觉，至少能写出成文的句子，并把自己的意思很明确地翻译出来了。但这仅仅是一个开始，英文写作与中文写作中巨大的鸿沟造成了很多考生在自认为发挥很不错的情况下还是只能拿到3分到4分，即使事例很充分、观点很鲜明、结构很完整。

其中一个重要的障碍就是中文的低文脉（low context）和英文的高文脉（high context）之间的隔阂。我们看自己写的文章， 觉得什么都说到了，而且之间似乎联系很紧密，但由于时态、指代和表达上的问题，加上思想的随意性，很容易造成文章在别人，特别是英语母语者看不懂，理解不清楚，只能靠猜，这样自然就大大降低了阅卷官对其AW的印象。

鉴于此，鄙人写此文以提出自己对写作中精确表达意思及联系逻辑的一些看法，希望对各位希望能进一步提高自己英文写作能力，特别是AW应试能力的板油有所帮助。


PART A. 名词指代

这里说的指代有两种，一种是用代词、特殊疑问词指代前文提过的事物，另一种是用名词直接指代客观事物。前者由于存在诸多语法规律而比较容易掌握，基本语法都会的同学应该不会有问题，所以这里不再累述。而后者因为需要根据语境进行把握，所以相对较难。我们主要说这个。

上过新东方戴云教主旧托语法课的同学应该对一句话特别熟悉：“单数可数名词不得单独存在。”也就是说可数名词单独出现的时候，需要用惯词、物主代词或形容词前置。其中用定惯词表示前文所提过的事物或者一类事物，用不定惯词表示单一事物。惯词在这里其实是起到一个定义的作用，以防止句中的名词来历不明，有点类似于在计算机语言开始前定义变量的语句。这也说明了英文对于文脉的严谨要求，所有的词都要经过初定义以显示其所指对象，而在文中出现的名词也必有所指。因此对待第一次提到的名词就要特别小心，切忌天马行空按意识蹦名词出来。

举个例子（从本版第一页随机抽取，感谢houyanchun版友）
It is well known that the history of human beings is like a abundant and precious mine including various achievements which our ancestors have attained and all kinds of lesson ranging from policies to art which are waiting later generations to search and research carefully.
这是文章的第一句话，提到的名词都标出来了。history没问题，题目讨论对象，直接点出。human beings没问题，泛指世界人民。mine为比喻，由于用了like也比较明确，指自然界中的矿藏。achievements，问题有了，前文用到了mine，那么这里的achievements应该是跟mine有关，但这俩没有直接的字面联系，所以achievements应该是用来解释矿藏中藏的某些东西，换言之是个双重比喻，history-mine, achievement-?。ancestor用来限定和解释achievement的现实含义，没问题。lesson，问题又来了，除了和achievements问题类似外，lesson有教训、课程两种意思，这里指的哪个？从语句中无法判断，后面限定了是policies to art，那么似乎该理解成课程，可是是谁教的课程？mine？ history？ 无论对应哪个在字面上还是没有直接关系。至于之后的politics(政治，policies是政策的复数)和arts则更没有参照，属于无中生有，在题目规定了以history为讨论的大前提下，如何过度到这两个领域没有依据，因此显得没有逻辑。之后的generations和ancestors并列，似乎没问题，但仔细推敲也会发现，ancestors其实跟跟we(our)对比的，所以later generations应该指we，但如果这样直接用代词不就好了。

如果对每个名词都加以推敲，原文要表达的意思应该如下：
History of human beings is like an abundant and precious mine. It maintained treasures our ancestors left us, their achievements and lessons ranged in diverse fields, from politics to arts, from science to humanity. Such a great mine is worthy searching carefully.
可以看出修改的部分主要是让所有名词都能找到它的对应点，一方面对句中，一方面对现实世界中。

名词指代精确的目的是为了让读者知道你所写文章所讨论的对象是什么，属于哪个范畴，因此在下笔先想好自己要讨论的事物，在写作中看看自己的表达有没有说清楚是这种事物，用到的词是否精确，如果不精确，就用从句、同位语、分词结构等加以限定、解释，从而达到精确表达的目的。



PART B. 句子语境

中文和英文一大区别就是中文没有时态，想说是什么时候的事情直接加时间状语修饰就行了。而英语对于句子的语境有着严格的规定，所叙述的情况发生在哪里、何时发生都要有所明确。由于大部分情况下语境都可以根据上下文判断，所以我们对这种要求不会很敏感，但写出来英文就容易给英语母语者造成困惑。如果说PART A在说的事情是词不能无中生有，那么这里所说的就是句子不能无中生有，空中楼阁。

还是先举例说明（从本版第一页随机抽取，感谢hardaway版友）
The speaker asserts that the growing significance of the video camera for its speciality of accurating and convincing will take place of the written records to play a main role of writing records. In my view, in some cases ,this contention is worth trusting in. While, the enduring development of the science for recording will not completely take all the room of documenting  fields as long as the people's pursuit for contents of language wasn't vanish.
这里两个句子，一个在说在特定情况下如何如何，一个要说某样事如何如何，两句话并不属于同一语境，按照正常的逻辑规律，应该是in certain cases....while under other circumstances....而后面一句的主语在之前也没提过，发生在什么时候也没说，怎么发生的也没说，仅仅是以对应题目为要求的话又显得词义替换过大，所以会让人搞不清这句话在说的是什么意思。

整理上下文并定义语境后修改如下：
....In my view, this prediction may happen in some cases, like for vivid entertainment or surficial stimulation. But as long as our language does not disappear, the science of multi-media recording will only develop parallel to written methods, without taking away all their existence.
在这里把句子中的一项名词性动作换作一般动词，表示其一直发生，从而表达判断、陈述的意思。而some cases则经常重新定义，可以指向后文又不显得空洞。

说到这里就需要提一下各种语态的用法，也算是帮大家复习下：

现代时：包括现代进行时、一般现代时，主要用于叙述正在发生的事情、真理、判断等适用于任何语境的句子。
将来时：表示预测、计划等，同样可表示判断。
过去时：用于叙述过去发生的事情。

可以发现，使用过去时的时候都是要特指发生过的某件事情，所以这时对于时间的语境要特别注意，通常不加限定的话是指人类历史中的事情，而加了限定则特指某一段时间，这段时间需要靠之前提到的内容进行指定。

举个简单的例子（从本版第一页随机抽取，感谢ccbban版友）
At the very beginning, human did create machines to help us in some specific kinds of work.
这里的时态限定就不清楚，beginning of what? Modern history? Industrialization? Human history?

结语：

写了这么半天，主要是总结一下我在这一年来英文写作的一些经验，有看板油的作文想出，有从英文系的朋友那讨教过来的，也有从外国人那学来的，多多少少希望能给大家一些帮助，特别是有些不太习惯英文的严格写作模式，高中写习惯了小资情调的意识流散文的同学。

最后附上一份我的WRITING SAMPLE的修改，修改者是耶鲁大学建筑史教授，可以说他的修改很全面的解释了什么是英文的文脉，文章主题在讲估衣街的保护与历史建筑的话题，跟ISSUE26是同一个主题：
Preservation and restoration of historical buildings and urban spaceshas never been an easy issue. [This sentence is fine grammatically. It promises that you will explain how much more complex these issues arefor Guyi St.]  During the past half century, China’s academic field may trulyunderstand this point:[There is a problem with tense here: "During the past half century"locates the 'time' of the sentence in the past 50 years. but the verb"may understand" is oriented to the future. Are you making a claimabout the past or the future here? Also, what is so important about the"academic field" understanding, rather than, say, the government, or thepublic, or developers?] after the republic was established in 1949, the conflict betweenmodernization and history propelled it to erase myriad relics fromancient cities.[you presume a conflict between modernization and history but don'texplain what that is. These are enormous terms with complex meanings butyou use them casually] Although experts have not stopped devoting their efforts to protectingthese cultural treasures,[There's another problem with 'time', that is, when are these expertsdevoting their efforts? Now, 50 years ago? Before 1980?] it was only after the 1980s that the history issue awakened theauthorities and forced them to seek better solutions than destruction.[What is the "history issue"? You use it casually but, as a reader, Idon't know what you're referring to. And how is destruction a solution?And if there are better solutions, what exactly is the problem?Preservation?]  
修改后：
The preservation and restoration of historic buildings and urban spaceshas never been an easy issue. But in China, these matters areparticularly difficult. The founding of the republic in 1949 led to thedestruction of countless ancient monuments, as Maoist revolutionariestried to divert popular attention from the past to the future. Only inthe 1980s did architects in this country begin to address the loss of China's cultural heritage. However, many national treasures continue to be destroyed as a result not of culturalrevolution but record breaking population growth and industrial development.
最最后，想说的是，英文写作特别是AW和以后大部分留学生需要面对的学术写作，是一项严谨而科学的工作，在文章中推敲自己的表达完善自己的逻辑显得非常必要。希望这篇能唤起大家对这方面的注意，在实践中多想一个方面，并通过练习来提高，以适应未来所要面对的写作任务。

中原527UID：2707367

10.  阿狗180"Many other companies have recently stated that having their employees take the Easy Read Speed-Reading Course has greatly improved productivity.（此题的立场） One graduate of the course was able to read a five-hundred-page report in only two hours; another graduate rose from an assistant manager to vice president of the company in under a year. Obviously, the faster you can read, the more information you can absorb in a single workday. Moreover, Easy Read costs only $500 per employee-a small price to pay when you consider the benefits to Acme. Included in this fee is a three-week seminar in Spruce City and a lifelong subscription to the Easy Read newsletter. Clearly, Acme would benefit greatly by requiring all of our employees to take the Easy Read

At first glance, it would seem, according to the logic of the argument, that Acme Publishing Company (AC) will benefit greatly by requiring all of the employers to take the Easy Read, would be a foregone conclusion. However, the reasoning behind the argument is flawed for several reasons: the author's assumption that the employees taking the Easy Read has greatly improved productivity is open to doubt; the author omits the possibility the training may be useless to Acme; and the author fail to provide information to support that all employees of Acme need to take the training.

The author's assumption that the employees taking the training have improved productivity is specious.（抽去修饰词即employees have improved productivity即是“工作者证明为有效”读着别扭，应该是training have been improved productivity.不知对否 ） The author only takes two employees, the number of whom is too small to represent the overall employees taking the training, to support him. Perhaps other employees' productivity has not improved; even worse, taking the three-week seminar will require the employees to take a three- weeks excuse, which will serious affect the normal jobs of the employees. Besides, there may be other factors that explain the achievements of two employees. Perhaps, their abilities have already been very outstanding. Without the training one of them still can read a five-hundred-page report in only two hours; while the other still can rise to vice president. In sum, the author should provide more details of the other employees taking the training.
主要攻击样本小；课程要花费三个星期，影响工作；那两个之所以在课程训练中有成效可能有别的原因，比如受教育程度高
The author fail to guarantee other companies' success will apply to Acme. After all they are different companies and belong to different fields. Perhaps the training will not succeed in Acme for its disparities from other companies, such as the company size, the employees' jobs and the education background of employees.（与上一段所提到的abilities有类似之处，可合并写） For example, maybe the employees of Acme are graduating from those famous universities, and they already have outstanding reading speeds, which do not have to be improved any more. Without considering the dissimilarities between these companies, the author can not assert Acme’s employees need the training.
这段实际上就是上一段中abilities的扩展，即受教育程度
Even assuming the employees of Acme have the need to improve their reading speed, the author's proposal that all employees take the training does not make sense. Common sense tells us that a company's employees have various jobs, many of which do not need the employees to read. For example, the company may have cleaners, whose jobs are just to do the cleaning. If require these cleaners to take the training, at the expense of $500 per person, would it not a waste of money?
不是所有工种的雇员都需要学此课程
Improving the productivity is of great importance to the company; however, the personnel director of Acme should not be hasty to give his proposal. To convince the readers to accept his conclusion, the author has much work to do: he should find if the training really can improve productivity; he should provide data to show whether Acme's employees need to take it and which employees need and which need not the training
此文的逻辑顺序没有安排好，中间两端攻击点有重复之处
第2段写了三点，与其把攻击点写的多多的，每个攻击点都一句结束，还不如选几点好好深入攻击。

中原527UID：2707367

11，阿狗65"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."

According to the sales of their newest store and the results of a survey by Cheeses of the World, the president of a chain of cheese stores comes to the conclusion that the west way to improve profits in all of their stores is to discontinue stocking many of their varieties of imported cheeses and concentrate primarily on domestic  cheeses. Though sound as it seems, the reasoning is flawed in several aspects.

To begin with, in the newest store the domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconisin are the best selling cheeses does not mean that all the domestic cheeses sell well. It is entirely possible that all the other domestic cheeses nevertheless sell badly. Perhaps, in the newest store, the domestic cheeses except for those from Wisconisin sell not as well as the imported cheeses and the overall sales of imported cheeses are far more than that of domestic cheeses. If this is the case, discontinuing stocking the imported cheeses, the stores, whose overall sales will drop sharply, will definitely lose huge profits. Unless the president finds out the other cheeses' sales, his proposal will not be convincing.
个体不代表群体：国内奶酪除了来自W以外不如进口奶酪（这点子不错，我还没想到，我第一反应是新开的店不代表所有的店，估计这论点被人用了N次，万恶的陷阱啊）
Besides, even assuming that in the newest store, the sales of domestic are better than those of imported cheeses, the president's advice still be too hasty. The president has not provided any evidence that the newest can typify all of their stores. There are many disparities among all the stores, such as the geography positions, the economical conditions of the cities where the stores are located, the tastes of the stores' customers, which will lead to different  results of the president' proposal in variable stores. To guarantee this proposal can improve profits, the presidents must make an investigation to learn what the sales in other stores and whether the sales of the newest store can represent all the stores' sales.
地方性的经济条件，口味之类等
In addition, the result of the survey by the magazine can lends little support to the president's proposal. The majority of the survey's respondents are the subscribers of the magazine and not representatives of the overall customers of this chain of cheese stores. Perhaps the respondents' tastes differ greatly from the tastes of this chain of stores' customers, who more prefer imported cheeses. If the president wants to know what the tastes of his stores' customers, he should do a survey among the customers of their chain of stores, rather than blindly believing one magazine’s survey.
不要随便相信杂志的调查，应从实际出发调查自身顾客的口味（这论点似乎不错，但事实上，杂志代表的是大众口味，该店或多或少还是要借鉴杂志等相关媒体对顾客的调查，以了解市场的需要借此推广符合顾客要求的产品）
In sum, there are still many jobs demanding the presidents to do before his proposal's carried out. Such as, making an investigation to learn what the sales of the other cheeses and what the tastes of customers in all the stores of the chains are

中原527UID：2707367

666批改，又看到666批改了，看她的批改，不光看到别人的错误，也能看到自己所忽视的一些问题，自己认为还不错的，在她看来错误百出，我通篇看下来觉得没啥语法错误居然被她揪出了很多.............泪奔，再想想看前面的帖子，肯定是有很多问题我忽视了。
"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."

According to the sales(这里要说清楚是cheese sales) of their newest store and the results of a survey by Cheeses of the World (magazine), the president of a chain of cheese stores comes to the conclusion that the west way to improve(improve这个词用作提高的意思的时候是形容质量而非数量的) profits in all of their stores is to discontinue stocking many of their varieties of imported cheeses and concentrate primarily on domestic  cheeses. Though sound as it seems, the reasoning is flawed in several aspects.（这段看得出来，你审题错误了。按照你的第一段，仅仅是两个原因就推出了结论，然而，
作者的论证方式是：1.国产的奶酪卖的好（已给）+2.杂志的调查（已给）---> 推论1：本国的产品更受欢迎（潜台词：外国的不受欢迎）

【你忽略了这些】3.limiting inventory对减少开销有用（已给）--->推论2：limiting inventory对增加利润有用

接下来：推论1+推论2---->只卖本国的，不卖外国的奶酪对增加利润有用。（结论）
【然而你的第一段：】1+2--->结论
所以用这种简单的模板式开头，自然就会出现逻辑错误，我都能看出来，相信ETS老师绝对能看出来，我想这个也是为什么最近的XDF之类模板，考下来大家都觉得有话说，理当得高分，然而实际上得分低的原因。）

To begin with, in the newest store the domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconisin are the best selling cheeses does not mean that all the domestic cheeses sell well. （第一个批驳点：部分不能代表整体）It is entirely possible that all the other domestic cheeses nevertheless sell badly. Perhaps, in the newest store, the domestic cheeses except for those from Wisconisin sell not as well as the imported cheeses and(连词用的不对) the overall sales of imported cheeses are far more than that of domestic cheeses. If this is the case, discontinuing stocking the imported cheeses, the stores, whose overall sales will drop sharply, will（虚拟语气表推测） definitely lose huge profits. Unless the president finds out the other cheeses' sales（过于笼统）, his proposal will not be convincing（这个用特殊颜色标出来，我最后来说）.（这段最大的问题是破题不好，通常的情况下看来，5种最畅销的奶酪，已经能够包括到接近80%的奶酪市场情况了，而作者依然认为奶酪的总销量会被其他的不畅销的本国奶酪拖后腿从而低于外国奶酪（估计还占不到20%）的销量，这是小概率事情。）（咦？666是从哪里看到国产货及进口货对奶酪市场占有的百分比啊，而且，作者提出不是5种国产货以外的奶酪吗？）

Besides, even assuming that in the newest store, the sales of domestic are better than those of imported cheeses, the president's advice still be too hasty.（这句是败笔，句子内部是有逻辑联系的，句子之间也是有逻辑联系的，然而不管是从你的even if,还是下面一句话，我始终看不出你是如何套到advice（就是最后的结论）上去的，批驳的中间段一定要记住：你批的不是结论，是推出结论的直接或者间接的“推论”，就是那个-->） The president has not provided any evidence that the newest can typify all of their stores.（仔细多读几遍这个句号的前后两句话，就会有一种特别难受的感觉，因为他们之间没有关系，就是硬生生的摆在一起而已） There are many disparities among all the stores, such as the geography positions（我始终想不明白geography positions如何影响到作者结论的，估计ETS老师也不明白，你是不是该在下面举个例子？）, the economical conditions(这个倒是容易懂) of the cities where the stores are located, the tastes of the stores' customers, which will lead to different  results（空话！最忌讳这种，要说就说明确，是哪些） of the president' proposal in variable stores. To guarantee this proposal can improve profits, the presidents must make an investigation to（怎么扯到的investigation上的...） learn what the sales in other stores and whether the sales of the newest store can represent all the stores' sales.（问题1：这段写的很“空”，我稍微回头算了一下，至少有4句话就是翻来覆去，不停的换表达方式的说：“作者给的材料没有代表性，不能够证明作者的结论”，然而为什么不能证明？你的有限的3句回答当中出了事实上，在我看来前面的几篇阿狗都或多或少有这样的问题，主要是为了凑字数，但AWINTRO指出effective writing有效写作，不说废话，直击重心。很多时候我们太懒得思考了。问题2：和上一段简直说的就是一件事情。都是讨论的没有本国的奶酪销售没有代表性，上一段至少我看明白了是因为不能由部分推至整体，这一段完全搞不懂是从哪个角度入手的，非常的混乱...）

In addition, the result of the survey by the magazine can lends little support to the president's proposal. （讨论调查的代表性）The majority of the survey's respondents are the subscribers of the magazine and (could) not (be) representatives of the overall customers of this chain of cheese stores. Perhaps the respondents' tastes differ greatly from the tastes of this chain of stores' customers, who more prefer imported cheeses. If the president wants to know what the tastes of his stores' customers,(这句话是怎么来的？题目中有提到？) he should do a survey among the customers of their chain of stores, rather than blindly believing one magazine’s survey.（因果关系不明显，推断也是有问题的，仅仅是两个probably, perhaps，你就推出了最后一句，从而证明了第一句？如果这样都行，那随便个人都能否定全世界了。你需要更多“详细”的论述说明1.为什么这种可能性会发生，2发生了这种可能性以后对作者的推论有什么压倒性的影响。）

In sum, there are still many jobs demanding the presidents to do before his proposal's carried out. Such as, making an investigation to learn what the sales of the other cheeses and what the tastes of customers in all the stores of the chains are.（个人习惯，向来不改结尾，没意思）"
zycly86 发表于 2009-2-19 16:49
问题很大，很多，很严重，除开语言比较流畅文字功底还不错以外，逻辑实在是相当多漏洞可以钻。
总结一下你的中间3段，除开第二段不知所云以外，1，3段分别对应的是两个作者已经给出的材料。
然而我在第一段结束的时候画的那个推理过程，可以很明显的看出，作者的漏洞，大大的有，绝对不是你批2个给出材料的可信度，就能够insightful驳倒的
我想大家根据 XDF或者其他人的资料，都是觉得批标注了（已给）的东西的真实性才是argument,实际上，真正最重要的东西，在“--->”上，光死盯着一个材料的真实性，可信度，代表性，仅仅只是皮毛而已。
语言也仅仅是一个锦上添花的东西，关键还是内涵。
此外最需要提醒你的一点就是：黄色的批注，是经常犯的错误，argument，每个小段批的都是推断，不是批的结论，更不是批的材料。
最后评一下分好了，3-4分之间吧

中原527UID：2707367

绿色字是我对此文的一些想法
这是我日志的惯例哈

https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/viewthread.php?tid=412534&extra=page%3D1%26amp%3Bfilter%3Ddigest argument应该这样写（一）
arguement51The following appeared in a medical newsletter.

"Doctors have long suspected that secondary infections may keep some patients from healing quickly after severe muscle strain. This hypothesis has now been proved by preliminary results of a study of two groups of patients. The first group of patients, all being treated for muscle injuries by Dr. Newland, a doctor who specializes in sports medicine, took antibiotics regularly throughout their treatment. Their recuperation time was, on average, 40 percent quicker than typically expected. Patients in the second group, all being treated by Dr. Alton, a general physician, were given sugar pills, although the patients believed they were taking antibiotics. Their average recuperation time was not significantly reduced. Therefore, all patients who are diagnosed with muscle strain would be well advised to take antibiotics as part of their treatment“

先看我同学是怎么写的
他的3段攻击大概是这样的

1。2个医生背景不同
2。2个实验组的具体情况信息实在太少，不足以判断
3。并不一定所有的病人都会发生2次感染

想来他的思路具有一些普遍性

前提：Doctors have long suspected that secondary infections may keep some patients from healing quickly after severe muscle strain
结论：Therefore, all patients who are diagnosed with muscle strain would be well advised to take antibiotics as part of their treatment

最明显一些关键词，我已经给标出来了。剩下的也有值得关注的 比如 结论里面的 part。
是否发现，单单这2句话，比那一段实验还要有多话说？
secondary infections may ——> 一个仅仅是may 的事情，居然推广到都会发生，显然错了
some——>all 一些病人 推广到 所有病人 显然也错了
severe muscle strain 和一般的 muscle strain 病人能同等对待么？只有严重肌肉损伤的人中才有某些人可能发生再次感染，没有说任何关于整个肌肉损伤病人的信息。

由此，一下就至少3个攻击点
怎么攻击，不用我说了，这个你们很熟悉
但是在这里，我必须要再次强调为什么要先攻击这个地方
这个是西方的习惯，先攻击最重要的逻辑问题
为什么这个比2个病患组的例子更重要？
病患组的例子你再怎么攻击，最多也就是能说“这些证据，并不能表明[前提]是一定存在的”，那也就等于说，[前提]还是有可能存在的。你最后的攻击无非就是“一个不一定确实存在的[前提]，不能推导到那样的结论”
而我攻击前提和结论这个逻辑层面，我就能说，即便[前提]是完全正确的，我也不能得到那样的结论。
所以，要先攻击这个逻辑关系
这个地方说的有点绕，希望大家仔细想下

最重要的是攻击推理过程，不是攻击论据如何怎么样，以下绿色段落是本人在AWINTRO翻译中选的关于如何处理阿狗话题出现的论据（数据百分比及统计，跟此题中的样本攻击类似）
怎样解释在阿狗话题里面出现的数据，百分比，以及统计。
一些文章包括被用来作为支撑作者结论的证据的数据，百分比或统计。举例，一篇文章可能主张一个确定的公社活动在此年没有上一年流行了，因为此年只有100个人出席和上一年150人出席相比，出席率下降了百分之三十三。记住最重要的是你不需要去考证数据，百分比及统计的精确性。相反的是，你需要评价的是，它们作为证据能否支持结论。在以上例子中，结论是公社活动不再流行了，你需要问你自己，100个人和150个人之间的不同能支持此结论吗？在此案例中，写下其他可能性的解释。举例，在此年天气可能更糟糕，在此年活动可能在不方便的时候举行的，在此年活动的花费更高了，或者，在同一时间出现了其他更流行的活动。每一个都可能解释出席率的不同，因此它削弱了关于活动不流行的了结论。同样的，百分比有可能支持或削弱依靠百分比所表现出的确实的数据的一个结论。考虑这个观点，是学校的戏剧小组值得投入因为它的成员人数已经提高了百分之百，如果是由过去的5个人到现在的十个人，这个百分之百的提高可能是有意义的。记住，在阿狗话题中的任何数据，百分比，或统计都只能作为证据来支撑结论，你需要经常考虑它们是否能确实支持结论。

那这3个点攻击完了，这个主逻辑层次攻击完了
怎么着至少攻击了2段了吧？如果你愿意此刻攻击了3段了
接着是什么？接着才是那2个病患组的攻击，也就是攻击他的前提了
想怎么攻击怎么攻击
但是不知道你们发现了没有，不管你怎么攻击这个证据，顶多也就是个information too vague，没有能重伤这个文章让别人怀疑的能力。


而我们最开始的攻击，相对于前者，可以说就是招招致命，让人足够怀疑了。

中原527UID：2707367

12 TOPIC: ARGUMENT6 - The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself.(因为最近的俱乐部很也比较远就推出C俱乐部肯定会占据本地市场，只考虑到地理因素，还有俱乐部质量啊，客源啊等一些问题) Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. （也许提高了本地居民的音乐欣赏水平如果C本身水平不高也不一定能够占据市场）Finally, a nationwide study  indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment.(不一定都花在J俱乐部，比如买音乐碟啊音响啊等等) It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."（忽视特殊性，全国平均对JAZZ投入高不代表M地J粉丝对此投入也高）
WORDS: 429
TIME: 00:30:00
DATE: 2009-2-19 15:55:39

    In this argument, the author brought out several facts to support his loan plan. First, currently there is no jazz club nearby Monroe (M). Second, jazz is of great popularity in M. Third, nearly $1000 was spent per year in jazz nationwide. （题目限定的对象是J粉丝，这里没写出来，没仔细看题啊）A careful inspection will reveal that these facts are not sufficient to guarantee a profitable result of C note.条理清晰，提出题目的的三个推论1 M附近没有J俱乐部；2 M地J非常流行；3 全国调查平均每个J粉丝每年有1000美元投入，可以看到接下来的攻击必然是这种顺序
    To begin with, the favor of 'Jazz Nightly' doesn't necessarily indicate that M's resident will also be interested to take part in a jazz club. On the contrary, the highest-rated radio program which airs every weeknight may attract those people, and provide them with a reason not to attend a jazz club. After all, turning on the radio is much more convenient than driving to a club. Neither can the residence of several well-know jazz musicians infer that a jazz club located in M will be warmly welcomed. It is quite possible that those musicians are acting in the nearest jazz club, or on frequent nationwide show.
Without evidence that the people in M will be eager to attend a jazz club, I can not accept that C will be so welcomed.
J收音节目吸引居民，使他们觉得没必要去C，可能那些音乐家代替了J俱乐部
    Another critical fallacy the argument suffer is, the nationwide study that typical jazz fan spends nearly $1000 per year on jazz doesn't necessarily apply to M. It is quite possible that the fans in M do not follow these general trends. Besides, the money spend on jazz club may only contribute a little part to the whole budget. Thus, lacking evidence that M's residents will behave similarly as the typical jazz fans do, and they will indeed spend large amount of money on jazz club, the author's conclusion that C Note will make money is unconvincing.
攻击全民调查(M不一定随潮流；不是1000都花在俱乐部上)
    Finally, even assuming the people in M will be crazy about jazz club and they prone to spend a lot of money attending a jazz night, it doesn't means that C Note will definitely be profitable. As we all know, both revenue and cost contribute to the profit. Probably the rent in M is quite expensive, or the salary level in M is relatively high, which will inevitably increase the cost. Unless the author provides more information about supply, demand, and relative costs, it is almost impossible to make sure whether C Note will make money.
C本身支出…（偏题了吧…）
    In conclusion, the argument is not well reasoned. To strengthen it the author should provide clearer evidence that M's residents will go in for C Note. The author should also clearly analyze the relative costs against its incomings, and make this application more persuasive.
基本是按题目出现的漏洞攻击的，最后一点我不大赞同，攻击的是推论过程，而不是论据本身的问题。
另外可以攻击那个100000个人参加的爵士乐节，那些人可能大部分都是从外地慕名而来的（这点子我还真没想到）
还有最近的那家俱乐部，如果非常出名的话，60miles并不会显得很长

中原527UID：2707367

改到这里发现跟前面看过的那帖子同一个话题，但总觉得单凭攻击开头Doctors have long suspected that secondary infections may keep some patients from healing quickly after severe muscle strain. 推导出Therefore, all patients who are diagnosed with muscle strain would be well advised to take antibiotics as part of their treatment."这一过程总觉得有点奇怪，但也想不出问题在哪，看到此兄的辩驳，发现我一直觉得不对劲的问题就在这里

但是，我认为楼主在这个问题上显得有点固执。当然，argument的攻击顺序，要遵从一定的逻辑性为好，但楼主在这里引用的这个argument作为例子，是有些misleading的！不可能把实验的内容放掉的！
下面是我的分析：

"Doctors have long suspected that secondary infections may keep some patients from healing quickly after severe muscle strain. This hypothesis has now been proved by preliminary results of a study of two groups of patients. The first group of patients, all being treated for muscle injuries by Dr. Newland, a doctor who specializes in sports medicine, took antibiotics regularly throughout their treatment. Their recuperation time was, on average, 40 percent quicker than typically expected. Patients in the second group, all being treated by Dr. Alton, a general physician, were given sugar pills, although the patients believed they were taking antibiotics. Their average recuperation time was not significantly reduced. Therefore, all patients who are diagnosed with muscle strain would be well advised to take antibiotics as part of their treatment“

没错，我们的重点是攻击结论。但实际上，这个argument有两个表示结论的句子：This hypothesis has now been proved by……和all patients who are diagnosed with muscle strain would be well advised to take antibiotics as part of their treatment。
对于第一个结论，作者凭什么认为了这个假设被证实了？注意，实验中根本没有直接提到secondary infection! 那怎么说证实了呢？实际上，这里蕴含的假设是，因为抗生素能够防止secondary infection,而服用了抗生素的病人康复得更快，所以，是secondary infection阻碍了病人的康复。这样，错误就很明显了：能说第一组人就没有发生二次感染，第二组人就有发生二次感染吗？服用了抗生素，并不能保证不会发生二次感染，同时，只服用了糖丸的，也可能没有发生二次感染。没有弄清楚这个问题，不论实验结果如何，这个假设都是不能被证明的。
第二个：所有有肌肉损伤的病人都应该采用抗生素作为治疗。
那我们就要看作者是怎么推出这一结论的：由于在实验中，第一组采取了抗生素治疗，而第二组只用了糖丸，结果第一组恢复时间明显缩短，而第二组没有。所以，作者才会在结论中认为，要[采取抗生素]作为治疗。
显然，这里他的致命伤在于抗生素的问题。该实验是否真的证明抗生素有效？（医生不同，患者不同，这些都是我们驳论的角度）即使确实是抗生素造成了第一组病人的康复时间缩短，是否可以推广到所有病人？

从以上两个结论的分析，我们可以看出，这篇argument的所有焦点，都集中在那个实验上。而首句和末句之间，似乎是有暗含联系，但也完全可以孤立开来看。因为它们实际上都是通过中间部分的实验得出的结论。楼主强调“重点”，这才是重点啊！而开头和结尾之间的暗含联系，如果要说的话，也只有通过中间的实验才能说清楚。（这里就是我所关注的问题，毕竟，作者是靠这些实验来证明他的推论，而我们就是要反驳这种推理，从实验推出结果的过程）

综上所述，不能同意搂主的观点。首先是楼主关于“前提”和“结论”的判断不对，其次，some, severe这些措辞上的差异，和文中费大量笔墨去解释的实验过程中包含的错误以及从实验过程推出结论的逻辑错误，相比起来，哪个更是“细枝末节”呢？

毕竟，从出题者的角度出发，你想，他不会费了半天劲编出两个漏洞百出的实验，却希望你只抓住开头那么一个纯粹是引出性质的句子大肆发挥吧？
空口无凭，还是得靠题目出现的问题来攻击啊。而那些问题就是出现在实验之中，作者为什么推出那样的结论，是因为实验而推导出来的。也就是说，论据到论点，论据还是不能忽略的。AWINTRO指出论据中的（百分比啊什么的，就类似于此题中的实验，不是白给的，要反驳的是从论据推理出结果的过程，过程啊）感觉楼主忽略了过程。



13
阿狗51"Doctors have long suspected that secondary infections may keep some patients from healing quickly after severe muscle strain. This hypothesis has now been proved by preliminary results of a study of two groups of patients. The first group of patients, all being treated for muscle injuries by Dr. Newland, a doctor who specializes in sports medicine, took antibiotics regularly throughout their treatment. Their recuperation time was, on average, 40 percent quicker than typically expected. Patients in the second group, all being treated by Dr. Alton, a general physician, were given sugar pills, although the patients believed they were taking antibiotics. Their average recuperation time was not significantly reduced. Therefore, all patients who are diagnosed with muscle strain would be well advised to take antibiotics as part of their treatment."
WORDS: 458
TIME: 00:29:57
DATE: 2009-2-17 PM 12:40:35
According to the preliminary result of a study of two groups of patients, the author comes to the conclusion that all patients who are diagnosed with muscle strain would be well advised to take antibiotics as part of their treatment. Although sound it seems, the argument is flawed in several aspects.
由实验推出所有的肌肉损伤者都需要服用抗生素
Primarily, maybe other factors other than the taking the antibiotics contributed the different effects of the two treatments in the study. The two groups of patients were treated by different doctors. Except for the antibiotics, there are many differences between the treatments - the doctors' skills, the treatment measures and the equipments the doctor used. Maybe, Dr. Newland has better skills, and the measures and equipments he used were more advanced. All of these advantages can explain why the recuperation time of Dr. Newland's patients was greatly reduced. In addition, the conditions of the patients in the two groups maybe different. Perhaps, the patients of the first group have less serious injuries than those of the latter group, leading the first group easily to recover.
攻击两组医生不同，其治疗方案啊什么的也许不同，还有治疗条件等之类
Besides, the author ignores the negative effects of the antibiotics. Nearly all the medicines have more or less side effects. The author provides no evidence to prove the antibiotics is an exception. The author only mentions the patients' recuperation time, no informing us whether the patients in the first group had some new symptoms, such as headache, nausea, powerless and sleepy. Even if the patients did not have any new symptom, there is no guarantee that in the future they will not have any symptoms caused by the antibiotics. Perhaps, many patients have serious headache three months later. Lacking clinical experiment, the author can not assert that the antibiotics do not have negative effects, considering the safety of the patients.
怀疑两组患者是否有其他的病症（个人觉得攻击论据本身没有什么意义，应该论证的是推论的荒谬）
Additionally, given that the antibiotics do not have any side effects and help patients with severe muscle strain recover, the author's proposal that all the patients with muscle strain should take antibiotics is unacceptable. The treatments of the patients with light muscle strain are not the same with those of the patients with severe muscle strain. Perhaps, without taking antibiotics, the patients with light muscle strain will still recover quickly and will not have the danger to get second diagnosed. If this is the case, it is not reasonable to advise those patients to take antibiotics, letting alone the high price of antibiotics.
两组的患者肌肉损伤程度不同，推出其治疗方案不同，可能不需要抗生素，伤势轻的患者可以较快地恢复。（？？？？作者并没有提到此点，是推测吗，扯远了吧，重点是攻击如何推出抗生素对肌肉损伤治疗有效的荒谬推理，而不是攻击样本中如何如何）

In sum, the argument is not well reasoned. To strengthen it, the author must prove us that it is the antibiotics rather than other factors explain the difference between the recoveries of the two groups of patients. What is more, the author should prove the antibiotics have no side effects and all the patients with muscle strain need to take them.

123runfordreamUID：2697608

哇~~
我要个你学习学习。
这段时间我都干嘛了~~忏悔！！

中原527UID：2707367

再次回味自己翻译过的AWINTRO，果然感觉比以前明晰了很多
这东西，非得自己实实在在地思考才能悟到一些东西
ETS已经把所有的写作方法都告诉我们了，就如寄托前辈所说，剩下的就是自己的思考问题了

尽管你不需要知道具体的分析技巧和术语，你应该熟悉阿狗任务的指导和一些关键的概念，包括如下：
•可取代的解释：一个可能更有力的版本导致了这些项目出现问题，一个可取代的介绍分割或限定最初的解释是因为它更能说明一些具体的事实。
•分析：把某些东西打破的过程是为了去了解他们是怎样一起工作组成整体，还有一个通常在写作中关于结果的陈述的过程（这句我翻译不清楚.....）
•辩论： 通过合理推断和证据来支撑的一个主张或一系列主张。一系列合理推断意味着说明某些事情的真实或虚假。
•假设：一种不直接说明或验证的简述，某些人为了维持特别的立场而必须抑制的。某些被承认但必须是真的为了使结论真实可信的东西。一个通常也是不直接说明和验证的简述，通常它的持有能让你保持一个特定的观点。它可能是默认的，但是它的正确性往往是为了验证你的结论是正确的。（番茄翻译得真好啊….）
•结论：通过一系列推论而总结出来的最终观点，如果推论是合理的就是有根据的；最终的结果主张。
•反例：一个例子，真实的或假设的，是用来驳倒或驳斥阿狗里面的一个观点。

中原527UID：2707367

哇~~
我要个你学习学习。
这段时间我都干嘛了~~忏悔！！
123runfordream 发表于 2009-12-8 22:49

额....
惭愧...
我还是贪玩了些，刚刚玩了校内里面的连连看一个小时，OMG，简直上瘾了....

中原527UID：2707367

感动啊，我的ISSUE13居然有两个人来改
那只鬼啊，你的我已经改了
C啊，你的ISSUE我也好好看看
经历了这几天草木练习，翻译AWINTOR，批改阿狗，看论坛的精华帖，再回头看看自己的ISSUE，真是漏洞百出，当时写着要拼命用上高级词汇显得文章档次高些，但，AWINTRO告诉我，要用精确的词汇，合适的例子，这里，C再次提醒了我，还有鬼也帮我梳理了我文章中乱七八糟的逻辑关系，再次鞠躬感激不尽。
下次，我会努力奉上更好的作文