Phoenix小组组员4号习作(issue2.11)

86145787UID: 2672301

ISSUE 130

"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."


The speaker gives us two topics of socialization and raise of children. Does children's socialization determine the destiny of society? Did we have not learned how to raise children who can bring about a better society, and the society went worse? But the answer is definitely no.

Destiny of society is not decided by the socialization of children which merely determines the destiny of each child. The factors which can influence the development of society are so many but socialization, such as outstanding individuals, most significant inventions and big events. For example, Application of QWERT keyboard which was invented for higher input speed at first accidentally changed and decided the habit of input of the whole world population later. Globalization which is taking place at every moment in everyone's life has been stupendously changing the world into a totally new one which no one knows also is a convinced evidence of destiny of society which is not determined by socialization. Furthermore, Neither QWERT keyboard or Globalization has no relationships to the socialization of children. Actually when a child was brought up with fantastic socialization, the opportunity of promotion and standing out of a grown-up will be tremendously improved. Because he or she will know well more to get along with friends, to control the emotion and to abed the rules and express one's emotions without offense than others who have less socialization. So the socialization of children merely determines the destiny of individual who live in the society, but not the destiny of society.

The second speaker says that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. But in fact, the society of China become better and better from the day when the policy of reformation and opening was carried out. From a very poor, lacking democratic and lower industrialized country which is consisted by more than 1.2 billion people to a basically industrialized, democratic country where the most people have gotten rid of poverty within 30 years. Therefore we cannot deny the achievement of Chinese society, so there is no reason to blame the contemporary Chinese for having not learned how to raise children. But for the other countries, it is very different from one to the other, so I cannot simple draw a conclusion without specific investigations. Maybe it is just as what the speaker says that the society goes worse because we have not yet learned how to raise children who can better society. But the claim of speaker is definitely rather extreme for lacking comprehensive consideration of deferent societies of every county.

In sum, the destiny of society is not responsibility of children who were well socialized, but the outstanding individuals, significant inventions and big event in the history. And it is not every society which do not become better in recent years, because we have not yet learned how to raise children. The speaker should put his conclusion into comprehensive consideration.

ningbo1990UID: 2641538

The speaker gives us two topics of socialization and raise of (raising) children. Does the level of children's socialization can determine the destiny (我觉得是用destination) of society? If we did not learn how to raise children who can bring about a better society, then the society would go worse? (貌似写的很中文可以改成：Does not a better would not be existed if we do not learn to raise a child well?) But the answer is definitely no.

Destiny
(The destination) of a society is (does) not decided by the socialization of (socialized感觉这样改更好点) children which merely determines the destiny of each child.(LZ这句话好难懂啊！) The factors which can influence the development of society are so many（这句的中式英语太严重了把！） but socialization, such as outstanding individuals, most significant inventions and big events.(缺少成份，我的改法：Although there are many factors can influence the development of society, socialization, such as outstanding individuals, significant inventions and superior events, is….. LZ想表达什么意思？outstanding individuals等等例子不是socialization的例子啊！)
For example (还有一种表达：for instance), A（a）pplication of QWERT keyboard which was invented for higher input speed at first changed(changed at first) and then decided the habit of input of the whole world population later.（这里少了逻辑的连接显得很突兀）
Globalization which is(has) taking place at every moment in everyone's life has been stupendously changing the world into a totally new one which no one knows also is a convinced evidence.（LZ自己改把，能把人绕死！） However, Neither QWERT keyboard or Globalization has no（前面已经否定了，再否定成肯定了！） relationships to the socialization of children. But when a child was brought up with fantastic socialization, the opportunity of promotion and standing out of a grown-up will be tremendously improved. Because he or she will know more about how to get along with friends, to control the emotion and to abed the rules and express one's emotions than others who have less socialization
socialized. So the socialization of children merely determines the life of the individual who have socialized, but not the destiny of society.（英语的思维是把结论放在最前面，所以第一段逻辑有点乱）
（这里和第一段首句没有很好的连接，应该第一段有First这样的句子。）The second speaker（歧义严重） says that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. But in fact, the society of China become better and better
much better from the day when the policy of reformation and opening the reform and opening-up
policy was carried out
put forward. (缺少连接词) From a very poor, lacking democratic and lower industrialized country which is consisted by more than 120 billion people country to a basically industrialized, democratic country where the most people have gotten rid of poverty within 30 years.(这句很乱)
Therefore we cannot deny the achievement of Chinese society, so there is no reason to blame the contemporary Chinese for having not learned how to raise children.（therefore and so可以改改）
But for the other countries, it is very different from one to the other, so I cannot simple draw a conclusion without specific investigations. Maybe it is just assemble with what the speaker says
said.

In sum, the destiny of society is not responsibility of children who was well socialized. And it is not every society which did not become better in recent years, because we have not yet learned how to raise children.

分析：1：LZ的which用的泛滥！

2：LZ的复杂句用的太多而且都是从句，但是意思表达很不明确。长句写出来不一定用从句表达！用and等逻辑词也可以。

3：LZ中式英语泛滥了。

4：逻辑连接词用法欠缺，而逻辑是AW写作中最重要的。

5：LZ把命题拆成了两个部分，并用两个大段展开，但是LZ没有很好发展命题而是就事论事，貌似思想不够。可以建议看下其它提纲。

6：社会化的理解：适应社会就代表过于事故失去了创新能力，从而不能够推动社会发展。纵观历史，每次社会的变革都是由少部分不能很好适应社会的人，但不是完全没有社会化的人发动的，因此要有更好的未来社会似乎要改革现在的社会而不是完全的社会化不发展。LZ可以从这个角度想。

7：本人点评也许并不周到，请谅解。