ARGUMENT 238 学校就业率【 起步的指点最重要~~~第一篇argue，拜托多拍】

joannadearieUID: 2667744

TOPIC: ARGUMENT238 - The following appearedin a memorandum from the president of Mira Vista College to the college's boardof trustees.
"At nearby Green Mountain College,which has more business courses and more job counselors than does Mira VistaCollege, 90 percent of last year's graduating seniors had job offers fromprospective employers. But at Mira Vista College last year, only 70 percent ofthe seniors who informed the placement office that they would be seekingemployment had found full-time jobs within three months after graduation, andonly half of these graduates were employed in their major field of study. Tohelp Mira Vista's graduates find employment, we must offer more courses inbusiness and computer technology and hire additional job counselors to helpstudents with their resumés and interviewing skills."
WORDS: 371

TIME: 00:36:46
DATE: 2010-3-10 上午 11:22:00

The author of the editorial aboverecommends that in order to improve the job-placement of their graduates, MiraVista College should offer more business courses and more job counselors. Tojustify this recommendation, the author cites the case of nearby Green MountainCollege where there are more business courses and more job counselors than inMira Vista College, had 90 percent job-placement of graduating seniors lastyear. While only 70 percent of seniors of Mira Vista College who reported toseed jobs had employment last year, and half of them were employed in theirmajor field of study. It seems useful at first glance, but after carefulanalysis, I find it is logically unconvincing in several respects.


Firstly, there should be more informationof the scale of Green Mountain College and Mira Vista College. Lacking of thenumber of the graduating seniors of each college, it is impossible for us tomake conclusion from the statistics of "90 percent" and "70percent" that Green Mountain College has more job-placement than MiraVista College last year.


Secondly, the author make an assumptionthat the great job-placement of Green Mountain College last year is due to thatit has more business course and more job counselors. However, it is notnecessarily to be the case. Such assumption masks many other possibilities.Perhaps there is a new big prospective company just located near Green MountainCollege, and hire almost all the graduate from this college.


Thirdly, the author suffers "false analogy"to suggesting Mira Vista College to learn from Green Mountain College, ignoringthe differences of the two colleges, like location, environment, reputation.There's no assurance that the restrictions effective for Green Mountain Collegewould also be effective for Mira Vista College. Therefore, the recommendationof offering more courses in business and computer technology and hiringadditional job counselors would not be sufficient or even useless at all tohelp Mira Vista's graduates find employment.


In sum, the argument is unconvincing as itstands. The author should offer more specific information of Green MountainCollege and Mira Vista College to make the evidence of Green Mountain Collegemore supporting, and guarantee the comparison between these two colleges isfair to strengthen what he or she recommends.

joannadearieUID: 2667744

有些词连在一起了，貌似不是打的问题，可能是格式粘贴的错误。。。见谅。。。。。。

joannadearieUID: 2667744

1# joannadearie
自己先改了一下小地方

The author of the editorial above recommends that in order to improvethe job-placement of their graduates, Mira Vista College should offermore business and computer technology courses and more job counselors. To justify thisrecommendation, the author cites the case of nearby GreenMountain College where there are(which has) more business courses and more jobcounselors than
Mira Vista College does and had 90 percent job-placement ofgraduating seniors lastyear. While only 70 percent of seniors of MiraVista College who reported to seed jobs got employment last year, andmerely half of them were employed in their major field of study. It seems as a useful suggestion at first glance, but after careful analysis, I find it islogically unconvincing in several respects.


Firstly, there should be specific informationof the scale of Green MountainCollege and Mira Vista College. Lacking of the number of the graduatingseniors of each college, it is impossible for us to make conclusion fromthe statistics of "90 percent" and "70percent" that Green MountainCollege has more job-placement than MiraVista College last year.


Secondly, the author makes an assumption that the great job-placement ofGreen Mountain College last year is due to that it has more businesscourse and more job counselors. However, it is not necessarily to be thecase. And uch assumption masks many other possibilities. Perhaps there opend anew big prospective company just  near Green Mountain College,and hired almost all the graduates from this college. There does not have to be a causal relationship between more business course and job counselor with a better jop-placement of Green Mountain College.


Thirdly, the author suffers a "false analogy" fallcy in suggesting Mira VistaCollege to learn from Green Mountain College, while ignoring the differences between the two colleges, like differences of location, environment, reputation and educational type.There's noassurance that the restrictions effective for Green MountainCollege would also be effective for Mira Vista College. Therefore, therecommendation of offering more courses in business and computertechnology and hiringadditional job counselors would not be sufficientor even useless at all to help Mira Vista's graduates find employment.


In sum, the argument is unconvincing as it stands. The author shouldoffer more specific information of Green Mountain College and Mira VistaCollege to make the evidence of Green Mountain College more supporting,and guarantee the comparison between these two colleges is fair tostrengthen what he or she recommends.

joannadearieUID: 2667744

这一篇也贴在了学校bbs上
一位大牛帮我改了一遍，实在是受益非浅的一塌糊涂，感动

开头太长了，不用复述那么多东西。
The author of the editorial above recommends that in order to improve the job-placement of their graduates, Mira Vista College should offer more business courses and more job counselors. To justify this recommendation, the author cites the case of nearby Green Mountain College. It seems useful at first glance, but after careful analysis, I find it is logically unconvincing in several respects.
这样就行了。
或者这样,淡化模板痕迹：
It seems logical at first glance that there may be causal relationship between better job-placement of graduates and more business courses and job counselors in their universities as the author suggests. Based on this assumption, the author suggests Mira Vista College should follow the nearby Green Mountain College in offering more business courses and job counselors. However, after careful analysis, this argument is not so convincing as it seems to be in sereval respects.

Quote:
Firstly, there should be more information of the scale of Green Mountain College and Mira Vista College. Lacking of the number of the graduating seniors of each college, it is impossible for us to make conclusion from the statistics of "90 percent" and "70 percent" that Green Mountain College has more job-placement than Mira Vista College last year.
太短了。应该具体展开。比如加上： If G has only 1000 students while M has 3000, then M has far more students who find jobs then G.
这段还可以加一点充实一下：上报的人数不一定就是实际人数。可能M很多没有上报的学生都找到了工作，那么就不止70%了。

Quote:
Secondly, the author make an assumption that the great job-placement of Green Mountain College last year is due to that it has more business course and more job counselors. However, it is not necessarily to be the case. Such assumption masks many other possibilities. Perhaps there is a new big prospective company just located near Green Mountain College, and hire almost all the graduate from this college.
太短了。其他的possibilities呢？ 比如生源质量，教育质量。比如专业设置：M偏向于抽象学科，G偏向应用。

Quote:
Thirdly, the author suffers "false analogy" to suggesting Mira Vista College to learn from Green Mountain College, ignoring the differences of the two colleges, like location, environment, reputation. There's no assurance that the restrictions effective for Green Mountain College would also be effective for Mira Vista College. Therefore, the recommendation of offering more courses in business and computer technology and hiring additional job counselors would not be sufficient or even useless at all to help Mira Vista's graduates find employment.

“suffer”这词貌似感觉不太好。Differences最好改成：possible differences 。还是太过笼统。比如reputation就可以展开：M是二三流的，G是Ivy级别的。

Quote:
In sum, the argument is unconvincing as it stands. The author should offer more specific information of Green Mountain College and Mira Vista College to make the evidence of Green Mountain College more supporting, and guarantee the comparison between these two colleges is fair to strengthen what he or she recommends.
“the argument is unconvincing/unpersuasive as it stands” 因为北美范文，此句子已被用滥了。可以考虑改写。More supporting -> more supportive。这个整段就是北美的那个模板。可以考虑改下。例如：
In sum, the evidence and reasoning adduced by the author fail to adequately support the conclusion. The lack of detailed information about the two colleges and the potentially improper comparison between them significantly weaken this argument. The author should try to solve these two problems to avoid or at least minimize skepticism.
其实就是把建议反着写，然后让author 改正。

Overall suggestion:
你的word choice, grammar和sentence variety都很好！通篇也就只有minor mistakes “that are easily made and forgiven under test condition”(ETS语)。
你的主要问题，如果有的话，就是中间论证的时候展开不够，缺少specifics.
模板的话，有精力就尽量避免过于常见的，例如这篇北美型的。当然，这个问题应该不大，我自己就只有稍稍改了一点，因为时间来不及了。。。

a729725882UID: 2777859

好详细，受益匪浅。。。