Hello, 开始写作文罗！多多关照！

canoe03UID：2786666

RT，让我们开动吧！

canoe03UID：2786666

TVs and telephones have the same function-both of which are for information during the communication. The difference is that when you face a TV, you could be connected with large number of people even all the world, whereas you can contact one when using a telephone. But to give a conclusion whether TVs or telephones influence people's lives more, I have to say there is not a exact answer.

This is determined by how people see the facilities. TV plays an important role in daily lives, for it provides most live television news, for instance disasters, policies decided by governments, meetings, election results and wars etc. These makes you get the freshest news happen every day and relax yourself, offer your talk topics, even help you make a decision in your life. Besides, many other informations can be gained form other TV programs such as advertisements, science, cooking, education etc.

At the same time, telephones are used by people for connect another person. They call people related to them to develop a kind of affection or for other business. During the festivals, people call each other for greeting; facing up to difficulties, people asked for assistance by telephone. In commerce, telephones are widely used for people to obtain information.

So we can say all of us are benefit from both TV and telephone. Which is more influential depends on what you need. Yet they also do harm to us-many ways of saying a thing weaken our sense of judgement. For example, a judge may avoid to get any words on the case he appeals because he might being affected by what the news say about the case. Indulging in TV play of young man may result in their ignoring studying or having sports. So far as the disadvantages are concerned, telephones do less.

canoe03UID：2786666

4.26 请多指教！谢谢！:loveliness:
Nowadays curriculums covered with almost all the subjects are available in some colleges or universities. Those students majored in engineering or natural science subjects are expected to acquire knowledge of history, art, literature, philosophy etc., which can help the students better understand and communicate with each other. By contrast, I agree with that all students should be required to take basic science classes if they are not this major. There are several reasons.

Firstly, like the engineering students who take non-science classes, for those who take part in the science classes but not major in these, science makes them gain the knowledge how the universe forms, how the world runs, what's the substance composed this world and the mathematic or physical law behind them. Based on these, students could understand the world deeply and may impact their thinking ways and attitude of the world.

Next is that students may be not qualified on their speciality without some science knowledge. Take economic students as an example, most of the economic models are built by employing mathematic knowledge-by using differential eguations to set up the model and by the solution to predict the economic development subsequently. This illustrates the essentiality of science classes for the students even if they are not this major.

Students need to do a great deal of readings related or not related to their curriculum, they will be able to understand the book quickly while being with some science abilities. For a philosophy student, when he studies the view of origin of the world from ancient Greeks to latter—day Issac Newton or to modern，he may even have to read some books about principle of relativities referred to the shape of the universe.

So here comes the conclusion that it is better for a student to have view on science, no matters whether he majors in it.

wqqangUID：2770317

先啦占楼~
4.24阅览当中~~
好吧，我来了
TVs and telephoneshave the same function-（这里是指破折号？貌似小了一点，变成横杠了——）both of which are for searching information during the communication. Thedifference is that when you face a TV(干脆 watch TV好一点), you could be connected with a largenumber of people even all over the world,whereas you can only (更通顺吧) contact one when using a telephone. As forgiving a conclusion whether TVs or telephones influence people's livesmore, I have to say there is no exact answer.(原来的but感觉有些突兀)
This is determinedby how people see the facilities. TV plays an important role in our(感觉更流利) daily lives, for it provides most live television news(这个怎么有点怪怪的). For(两个for还是分句吧) instance，disasters,policies decided by governments, meetings, election results and wars etc. Theselet you get the freshest news happen every day ,relaxyourself, offer your talk topics or even helpyou make a decision in your life. (and应该不需要吧，感觉这里并列有些繁琐了)Besides, furthermore informationcan be gained form other TV programs such as advertisements, science, cooking,education etc.
At the same time,telephones are used by people to connect with other person. They have acommunication with people who related tothem in order to develop a kind of affection orfor other business. During the festivals, people phoneeach other for greeting; when facing up todifficulties, people asked for assistance throughtelephone. In commerce, telephones are widely used bypeople to obtain information.(这个貌似跟刚才的business有所重复)
So we can say，all of us receive a large amount of benefitsfrom TVs and telephones ,whichis more influential depends on what you need(这里怎么感觉没有从属关系…再考虑下下). Yet they alsodo harm to us-many sayings weaken our sense of judgments(有点罗嗦). For example, a judge may avoid gettingany words on the case he(突然冒出一个He,建议在前面交代一下) appealsbecause he might being affected by what the news say. Indulging in TV plays of young man may result in their ignoringstudying or having sports. （这句我理解上有些困难）So faras the disadvantages are concerned, telephones do less.

先声明，me也是第一次帮别人改作文，估计有漏洞的啦，而且自认为语法不怎么滴...请楼主酌情考虑~

下面提下小建议
感觉楼主应该刚开始写作文不久吧，而且估计没上过培训班，格式上按说欠了一点。
1、没有用最保守的五段论~\(≧▽≦)/~啦啦啦，建议还是用保守的方案。也可以拉字数啦
2、三段论的有点点乱。题目应该是问TV和tele哪个影响更大吧（我没看到题目），你已经说了取决于个人的用法，那就不要再在最后突然说telephones do less，就感觉你上面都白讲了。
3、句式上用的少了点，我没有直接改...建议加些强调句什么的。增加词组的使用，不然会感觉一直在用这几个字，尝试替换下...
4、感觉字数少了点，除了没用开头结尾拉字数外，for example 部分也忒不具体了点。你随便瞎掰个人也好啊，比如说My father 曾经用telephone讨论生意啦，等等。

all in all,建议楼主先去研究下范文，怎么写显得比较逻辑&合理，185的范文应该有的说，个人感觉笑来同志为了展现自己非一般的感觉耍很多花枪，有些并不是最实用的，还是先看看OG上的满分吧...内可是灰常恢弘的...

好吧，就这样叻...说的不对的请轻拍...

canoe03UID：2786666

楼上说的相当对 我在办公室翻译文件的时候 同事已经直接指明我的语法和逻辑相当混乱了 谢谢你！
有则改之，无则加勉-----

chengyue100UID：2803763

实在对不起，今天班里有事没来及改你的作文，而且11点断网，十分抱歉！！！ 明天我一定补上！！！

missyoucrazyUID：2745188

Nowadays curriculums covered with almost all the subjects are available in some colleges or universities. Those students majored in engineering or natural science subjects are expected to acquire knowledge of history, art, literature, philosophy etc., which can help the students better understand and communicate with each other. By contrast, I agree with that all students should be required to take basic science classes if they are not this major. There are several reasons.8 V8 N" P4 `- v/ C2 \4 e
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Firstly, like the engineering students who take non-science classes, for those who take part in the science classes but not major in these, science makes them gain the knowledge of how the universe forms, how the world runs, what's the substance composed this world and the mathematic or physical law behind them. Based on these, students could understand the world deeply and may impact their thinking ways and attitude of the world.
' ~0 S, U8 Z' n" E" ?" P! ~5 w7 @; j( J3 ?5 U
Next is that students may be not qualified on their specialty without some science knowledge. Take economic students as an example, most of the economic models are built by employing mathematic knowledge-by using differential equations to set up the model and by the solution to predict the economic development subsequently. This illustrates the essentiality of science classes for the students even if they are not this major.8 {# \3 E* I2 r, n/ X, j/ U

8 u- M& M2 C+ z0 e- \Students need to do a great number of readings related or not related to their curriculum,and they will be able to understand the book quickly while being with some science abilities. For a philosophy student, when he studies the view of origin of the world from ancient Greeks to latter—day Issac Newton or to modern，he may even have to read some books about principle of relativities referred to the shape of the universe.
; o3 I8 Y. N. y
2 Z6 `, Z. c' WSo here comes the conclusion that it is better for a student to have view on science, no matters whether he majors in it.
行文很好，语法错误很少，不过观点不是很清晰，多用些逻辑连接词会更好的。加油！！

canoe03UID：2786666

:handshake多谢楼上二位指正，本人最大的一个难题是字数老是凑不够，觉得没话说，以前写过几篇，但是没给别人改过，现在才曝露出自己的问题多多，再次感谢了！

canoe03UID：2786666

4.28 writing:victory:

Some people are fond of gaining information from global events, which mean the wars, calamities, political disputes etc. They take delight in talking about these affairs in public or private with their families or friends. Yet other people has no interest in the events for they hold the view that the events have nothing to do with their daily lives, this leads to a debate whether it is worthy for knowing the events happening around the world. For me, I am more willing to know the worldwide news. I will give some explanations.

Above all, for those who peruse news from newspapers, magazines or internet, universal events can benefit them -- enriching knowledge about the history or world and by broadening their horizons, even the events provides their chatting topics. Especially for the college students, they could analyze and explain the incidents by employing theories they learned from classes, consequently,  they could better understand the theories and deeply comprehend what happened. The financial crisis took place in 2008 gives material for economics students who try to make clear why the crisis happened and how to resolve it. Via thinking and seeking help from people or books, students advance themselves.

Another reason to be noted is that the happenings favor us discovering and settling problems. Take the 911 happened in 2001 as a striking example, the terrorists drove a flight crash on the World Trade Centre leading to death of thousands of people and enormous economic losses. After investigate the horrible tragedy, we come to realize why the terrorists, who are Muslims, commit such a crime. Through what we have suffered, we turn to pay attention to the culture diversities between different nations and we can better solve the conflicts to avoid the tragedy happening again. Hence the experience we acquire from the global events help we reflect on ourselves and emphasize others.

To sum up, the events occurring all over the world plays an essential role in our lives, for they are propitious to both an individual and humanity as a whole. We do really understand ourselves better through knowing the daily occurrence.

lycheeeUID：2447890

10# canoe03
Some people are fond of gaining information from global events, which mean the wars, calamities, political disputes etc. They take delight in talking about these affairs in public or private with their families or friends. Yet other people has no interest in the events for they hold the view that the events have nothing to do with their daily lives, this leads to a debate whether it is worthy for knowing the events happening around the world. For me, I am more willing to know the worldwide news. I will give some explanations.
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Above all, for those who peruse news from newspapers, magazines or internet, universal events can benefit them -- enriching knowledge about the history or world and by broadening their horizons, even the events provides their chatting topics[这里的连接有点奇怪，可能是这两句之间或者是论点和论据之间的逻辑不明显，所以下面提起金融危机的时候就觉得有点突兀了……]. Especially for the college students, they could analyze and explain the incidents by employing theories they learned from classes, consequently,  they could better understand the theories and deeply comprehend what happened. The financial crisis took place in 2008 gives material for economics students who try to make clear why the crisis happened and how to resolve it. Via thinking and seeking help from people or books, students advance themselves.

Another reason to be noted is that the happenings favor us discovering and settling problems. Take the 911 happened in 2001 as a striking example, the terrorists drove a flight crash on the World Trade Centre leading to death of thousands of people and enormous economic losses. After investigate the horrible tragedy, we come to realize why the terrorists, who are Muslims, commit such a crime. Through what we have suffered, we turn to pay attention to the culture diversities between different nations and we can better solve the conflicts to avoid the tragedy happening again. Hence the experience we acquire from the global events help we reflect on ourselves and emphasize others.[（全球化，文明的冲突）这个角度，这个例子，很不错呀~（我爱有内涵的例子~）]
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To sum up, the events occurring all over the world plays an essential role in our lives, for they are propitious[我查了下字典，这个词是指“有利的、顺利的（发展）”("nearly success")，那是不是要加个improvement/development之类的比较好……？] to both an individual and humanity as a whole. We do really understand ourselves better through knowing the daily occurrence.[相较于上面的论述，这最后一句连接不是很紧密，不如把两个论点重复一次好过就说“understand ourselves"]


楼主的文章很紧凑，就是第一个论据连接不是很紧，不过语言、结构都基本没有问题~ 最后一句如果能再加强一下（像你写第一段那样饱满一点）就perfect了~ 第二个论据我很喜欢~

canoe03UID：2786666

谢谢楼上的指点，其实关于propitious这个词，我是用金山词霸查的:L，结果出丑用错了，改之改之！

canoe03UID：2786666

5.1 writing
Modern society develops from kinds of political systems such as decmocracy of ancient Greek, which is not the exactly same as today; monarchy of ancient China or many other eastern countries. Since maybe it is the best political system for this world, democracy strikes root in the hearts of the people. At the same time, other significant aspects of civilization--economics, technology, education, etc., with the politics gets well promoted while they interact on each other. Nowadays the society has become more complex than ever before. A serious problem for modern people is how to develop themselves to live in this world better, especially for young people, they are required have the ability to plan and organize.

During the long process of a man's life, studying in school and working in enterprises are two important stages. When being a child, he/she is educated not only for gaining knowledge but aslo developing a kind of abilities such as plan and organizational skills for they are helpful to a man's whole life. As far as the college is concerned, students have to finished their courses to earn the degree. It is necessary to make a good plan for a student when he/she needs to take lots of classes to get through the academic career. The details include what curriculums should be taken and how to learn them well. Joining the campus societies is also crucial for students, who manage to make the group to be vibrant when they are leaders of these societies.

Not speak of the occupational lives, the situation is more complicated. Take the project manager as a example, when a massive project is to be accomplished, the manager must work out a detail plan on the expenditures, assignment, schedule and even the logistics. Organizational capabilities of the leader can be well showed when the plan is carried out. Whether the project is successfully finished is critical to a leader who would not promote or would be dismissed. So we can say the plan and organization abilities could be acquired and advanced through people's studies, jobs and other activities.

To sum up, when we face the complex society in this world, we can take it more easy with the competences on how to deal with the problems. They do favors for our daily lives and business related other people.

lycheeeUID：2447890

13# canoe03

慈悲为怀的长着shelton的可爱的脸的同学……我来看你的作文了……战战兢兢兢兢业业

5.1 writing
Modern society develops from kinds of political systems such as decmocracy of ancient Greek, which is not the exactly same as today; monarchy of ancient China or many other eastern countries. Since maybe it is the best political system for this world, democracy strikes root in the hearts of the people. At the same time, other significant aspects of civilization--economics, technology, education, etc., with the politics gets well promoted while they interact on each other. Nowadays the society has become more complex than ever before. A serious problem for modern people is how to develop themselves to live in this world better, especially for young people, they are required have the ability to plan and organize.【入题稍嫌慢了点……不过这个开头拿来做政治史论文的开头不错哈……】/ q% M8 b' G% c" X7 y
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During the long process of a man's life, studying in school and working in enterprises are two important stages. When being a child, he/she is educated not only for gaining knowledge but aslo developing a kind of abilities such as plan and organizational skills for they are helpful to a man's whole life. As far as the college is concerned, students have to finished their courses to earn the degree.【这里加个连接词比较好？】 It is necessary to make a good plan for a student when he/she needs to take lots of classes to get through the academic career. 【……看了很久才明白这个detail指什么……】The details include what curriculums should be taken and how to learn them well. Joining the campus societies is also crucial for students, who manage to make the group to be vibrant when they are leaders of these societies.【加入学生会说明了什么？如果能加入一两句话告诉读者这些细节的目的就好了。】
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$ F5 k! e* L- @Not speak of the occupational lives, the situation is more complicated. Take the project manager as a example, when a massive project is to be accomplished, the manager must work out a detail plan on the expenditures, assignment, schedule and even the logistics. Organizational capabilities of the leader can be well showed when the plan is carried out. Whether the project is successfully finished is critical to a leader who would not promote or would be dismissed.【这个例子很恰当啊……】  So we can say the plan and organization abilities could be acquired and advanced through people's studies, jobs and other activities.【这段就专门写manager好啦……最后一句话改成专门对manager的总结怎样？】
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To sum up, when we face the complex society in this world, we can take it more easy with the competences on how to deal with the problems. They do favors for our daily lives and business related 【+to？】 other people.

学生的例子稍微弱了一点……我猜楼主在写这段的时候一定改得太多以至于句子之间有点破碎感。开头如果觉得没话说的话，不如说“我要通过举关于学生和项目经理的例子来说明这个道理云云”这样……？ 结尾时就说，“计划和组织不单只对学生和经理很重要，对所有人都很重要……所以……”（楼主应该有能力能把这个命题推广一下的~）这样就perfect啦~
我主要是从结构上看楼主的作文的…… 我要多多向楼主学写句子才行啊…… 句子果然不是越长越好的……