5.17 独立写作练习，加油！

chrysoidineUID: 2731906

5.22  09.3.22 Government shout focus more on perservation of envirenment rather than economic development.
题目有点小郁闷！改下~Government should focus more on preservation of environment rather than economic development.
20:31
In the past few years, global economy has developed rapidly with the worldwide governments' vigorous support, which did bring people more convenient and affluent life. However, on the other hand, luxuriant forests, peaceful lakes and diverse species are sacrificed for the pursuit of quick benefits. As a result, the nature began to punish its child--the human beings. Earthquakes, tsunamis and droughts and floods have filled up the headlines of newspapers and websites. It's now that we should seriously focus more on preservation of environment rather than economic development.

chrysoidineUID: 2731906

5.23  09.5.9 In order to become a finacially reponsible adult, people should be taught how to manage money at an early age.
(试验版)

Whether you admit it or not, most of us deal with financial affairs every day. A financially responsible person is conscious of the money he owns, he spends and he invests, making balances with his income and outcome and never being greedy. It's essential to be financially responsible as an adult and in order to form such a habit, we should be taught to manage money at an early age.

It's an easy and efficient way for us to learn to manage money at an early age in order to become an financially responsible adult. Children own extraordinary learning ability, and habits we form when we are young could affect us for the whole life, just like speaking, writing and walking. If a child is authorized to manage his money by himself, he may make mistakes at first, but generally with appropriate instructions and guidances from the parents, he will learn how to do with his money and then with repeated practice in real life, he will ultimately become a financially responsible adult. It costs little for them to learn, and the influence is profound. Warren Buffett is a typical example. When he was 11-year-old, he began to buy stocks and manage his money by investment, and finally he becomes one of riches people in the world influencing the world economy until now.

On the other hand, if people are not taught to manage money at an early age, they are more likely to get into troubles on their finance, not to mention being financially responsible. For a student who is not majored in finance, he will scarcely have chance to learn how to manage their money. Even if they become aware of the importance of money management,  there is hardly any time and energy for them to learn it systematically but to pay extra money to hire a consultant, who must be very reliable.

chrysoidineUID: 2731906

5.23  09.5.9 In order to become a finacially reponsible adult, people should be taught how to manage money at an early age.
为啥题目里面有这么多拼写错误哩？

Whether you admit it or not, most of us deal with financial affairs every day. We go to work, take transportation and buy our meals, all of which is relavent to finance. It's essential to be financially responsible as an adult and in order to form such a habit, we should be taught to manage money at an early age.

On the one hand, it's an easy and efficient way for us to learn to manage money at an early age in order to become an financially responsible adult. Children own extraordinary learning ability, and habits we form when we are young could affect us for the whole life, just like speaking, writing and walking. If a child is authorized to manage his money by himself, he may make mistakes at first, but generally with appropriate instructions and guidances from the parents, he will learn how to do with his money and then with repeated practice in real life, he will ultimately become a financially responsible adult. It costs little for them to learn, and the influence is profound. Warren Buffett is a typical example. When he was 11-year-old, he began to buy stocks and manage his money by investment, and finally he becomes one of riches people in the world influencing the world economy until now.

On the other hand, if people are not taught to manage money at an early age, they are more likely to get into troubles on their finance, not to mention being financially responsible. For a student who is not majored in finance, he will scarcely have chance to learn how to manage their money. Even if they become aware of the importance of money management,  there is hardly any time and energy for them to learn it systematically but to pay extra money to hire a consultant, who must be very reliable. Besides, forming a habit is a long term issue, and it's hard for the adults themselves to regulate their behaviors unless they are extremely self-discplined. For instance, lots of famous people bankrupted for various reasons, such as the inability of his agent, economic crisis, etc. But in most cases, these people themselves are not good at managing their money, such as Mark Twain, Mike Tyson, etc.



Considering what I've said above, people ought to be taught to manage money at an early age, or the life would be very miserable without being a financially responsible adult.

chrysoidineUID: 2731906

这几天听了一些课之后，对主题的把握有一些思考。
像这个题目In order to become a financially responsible adult, people should be taught to manage money at an early age.这其中debatable按照我的理解是是否从小教孩子理财，所以应该陈列一些从小就开始教有何种好处，并且这样是如何成为一个能管理好自己财产的成人，反面说的话就是人不可能天生就会理财，并且年龄越大越难学。可能首先要介绍一些什么样子的人才是financially responsible。

简小跳UID: 2738450

5-23
Whether you admit it or not, most of us deal with financial affairs every day. We go to work, take transportation and buy our meals, all of which is relavent to finance. It's essential to be financially responsible as an adult and可略 in order to form such a habit, （therefore,thus,accordingly,consequently)we should be taught to manage money at an early age.)

On the one hand, it's an easy and efficient way for us to learn to manage money at an early age in order to become an financially responsible adult. Children own extraordinary learning ability, and habits we form when we are young could affect us for the whole life, just like speaking, writing and walking. If（既然是argue，那不要用if or whether这样的词，用肯定语气 ）a child is authorized to manage his money by himself, he may make mistakes at first, but generally with appropriate instructions and guidances from the parents, he will learn how to do with his money and then with repeated practice in real life, he will ultimately become a financially responsible adult. It costs little for them to learn, nonetheless，however(用转折语气） the influence is profound. Warren Buffett is a typical example. When he was 11-year-old, he began to buy stocks and manage his money by investment, and finally he becomes one of wealthiest people in the world influencing the world economy until now.

On the other hand, if people are not taught to manage money at an early age, they are more likely to get into troubles on their finance, not to mention being financially responsible. 这句话不通。For a student who is not majored in finance, he will scarcely have chance to learn how to manage their money. Even if they become aware of the importance of money management,  there is hardly any time and energy for them to learn it systematically but to pay extra money to hire a consultant, who must be very reliable. Besides, forming a habit is a long-term issue（process), and it's hard for the adults themselves to regulate their behaviors unless they are extremely self-discplined. For instance, lots of famous people bankrupted for various reasons, such as the inability of his agent, economic crisis, etc. But in most cases, these people themselves are not good at managing their money, such as Mark Twain, Mike Tyson, etc.
一个老外老师告诉我不要用ETC在托福写作中。

Considering what I've said above, people ought to be taught to manage money at an early age, or the life would be very miserable without being a financially responsible adult.

美佬告诉我不要在文章用contraction(不能缩写，like I`ve.doesn`t,you should write I have,besides they count 'I have' as two words..It`s good for you)
我是很会改作文，我就简单说一下吧。你的写作词汇运用还是limited，你缺乏把串联句子的能力，就是举得你的句子过于简单啊！有些phrase你一直在重复使用。（我也有同样的问题）
你的标点符号用的很乱。哪些句子是complete 该用.or ; 哪些是incomplete 该用, 这些扣分很严重的。不过不要担心啊，我刚开始乱写一通，全乱用的。你多多美国人的文章吧！
感觉你的argue 很不够firm。
我很困脑子不清晰了。。。有些地方我没指出。你自己再多读几遍自己的文章

chrysoidineUID: 2731906

谢谢点评，获益匪浅。

chrysoidineUID: 2731906

There is an old proverb says that to know someone, just look at his friends, which emphasizes the influence from friends on a person. Generally, classmates are our friends and playmates in some sense, so a fair proportion of people hold the opinion that classmates influence us more than parents do. While on the other hand, some others believe that like father, like son, which means parents impact us more compared with classmates and other people. Considerable though the influence of classmates is, it cannot compete with the impact that parents bring to us, if the length of time and authority are taken into account.

First of all, classmates indeed affect us to some extent. Actually, it’s the classmates who are likely to listen to our little secrets, share our joys and tears and give us suggestions after we begin to go to school. For example, if a new toy appears on a boy’s table, it will not take much long to find that all the other boys also have one. Similarly, if a girl is wearing a beautiful dress, other young ladies tend to follow her and ask their parents to buy the same thing for them. Meanwhile, the influence also happens in class and in the playground, where the children compete with each other to achieve the best. For instance, a student would study hard when his peers are excellent in classes; while on contrary, the student is not likely to do his homework, if most of his classmates dislike schools.

Even that I have talked several points on the influence of classmates, I still support the opinion that parents affect their children more. As is know to all, parents communicate with us ever before our births. Scientific research shows the infant education before and after birth is quite crucial to the development of a person. Parents teach us the first lesson in life, which involves the language we speak, the way we walk and the first laugh we make. Every step we move forward is by the guidance of their hands. They name us with their expectations and hopes dreaming our success in the innermost of their hearts. With love and care, parents bring their children up and affect them in the most silent way.

Besides, the authority of parents makes them more convincing and reliable than classmates. Undeniably, parents own lots of experiences and knowledge, which give them the ability to judge correctly and rationally. At times, the child would rebel his parents and is eager for freedom, but the fact proves that they could not get rid of the influence of their parents. One of my classmates is a perfect example of this. She strongly objected to her parents when she was a little girl opposed to whatever they did. However, when she grows up, she behaves the same as her mother with more understandings and appreiciation.

In the end, it is obvious to conclude that parents influence us more considering the time and authority. There may be one or two aspects the classmates could impact us, but the truth is parents do much more than this. Parents are the ones who could affect us in the soul.
希望不要变形~
希望自己到时候能够按时写完，实话说这篇昨天写了一个半小时，上午又写了半个小时，最后这次也打了1个小时，晕死！不过自我感觉写不出很convincing的理由，都是简单句，简单词，寒~加油！

chrysoidineUID: 2731906

23# jbc88
呜呜，终于写好了，谢谢！

canoe03UID: 2786666

There is an old proverb says that to know someone, just look at his friends, which emphasizes the influence from friends on a person. Generally, classmates are our friends and playmates in some sense, so a fair proportion of people hold the opinion that classmates influence us more than parents do. While on the other hand, some others believe that like father, like son, which(it seems weird which are used here) means parents impact us more compared with classmates and other people. Considerable though the influence of classmates is, it cannot compete with the impact that parents bring to us, if the length of time and authority are taken into account.

First of all, classmates indeed affect us to some extent. Actually, it’s the classmates who are likely to listen to our little secrets, share our joys and tears and give us suggestions after we begin to go to school. For example, if a new toy appears on a boy’s table, it will not take much long to find that all the other boys also have one. Similarly, if a girl is wearing a beautiful dress, other young ladies tend to follow her and ask their parents to buy the same thing(one) for them. Meanwhile, the influence also happens in class and in the playground, where the children compete with each other to achieve the best. For instance, a student would study hard when his peers are excellent in classes; while on contrary, the student is not likely to do his homework, if most of his classmates dislike schools.

Even that I have talked several points on the influence of classmates, I still support the opinion that parents affect their children more(终于说到正面来了，不知道这样写会不会很危险). As is know to all, parents communicate with us ever before our births. Scientific research shows the infant education before and after birth is quite crucial to the development of a person. Parents teach us the first lesson in life, which involves the language we speak, the way we walk and the first laugh we make. Every step we move forward is by the guidance of their hands. They name us with their expectations and hopes dreaming our success in the innermost of their hearts. With love and care, parents bring their children up and affect them in the most silent way.

Besides, the authority of parents makes them more convincing and reliable than classmates. Undeniably, parents own lots of experiences and knowledge, which give them the ability to judge correctly and rationally. At times, the child would rebel his parents and is eager for freedom, but the fact proves that they could not get rid of the influence of their parents. One of my classmates is a perfect example of this. She strongly objected to her parents when she was a little girl opposed to whatever they did(这个句子好拗口). However, when she grows up, she behaves the same as her mother with more understandings and appreciations.

In the end, it is obvious to conclude that parents influence us more considering the time and authority. There may be one or two aspects the classmates could impact us, but the truth is parents do much more than this. Parents are the ones who could affect us in the soul.

作文很好，有点点小错误。楼主的句型和语法都是值得我们学习的。就是作文中间楼主插入一段描写classmates的影响，不知可否。欢迎探讨。

chrysoidineUID: 2731906

谢谢两位点评，对于以上问题，我想了一下。
1.like father, like son.是一句谚语：有其父必有其子，所以那句话应该是引用；
2.There be 句型我这里有点confused，

九、在由"there be ＋主语名词"引起的句子中，修饰主语的情况。
??1．在由"there be ＋主语名词"引起的句子中，用来修饰主语的不定式可以用被动形式，也可以用主动形式。例如：
??There is no time to lose ／to be lost．
??There are still many things to take care of ／to be taken care of． 在口语中多用主动形式。但是有时候两种形式可能表示不同的意思。试比较：
??There is nothing to do now．（We have nothing to do now．）
??There is nothing to be done now．（We can do nothing now．）
??There is nothing to see（nothing worth seeing）．
??There is nothing to be seen（nothing there at all）．
??2．在由"there be ＋主语名词"引起的句子中，用来修饰主语的分词或分词短语在意思上相当于一个定语从句。例如：
??There were 200children studying（＝who were studying）m usic，dancing，or dram atics．
??Is there anything planned（＝that has been planned）for tonight？

不过我这里可以理解为a proverb (that) says.
3. She strong objected to her parents when she was a little girl and opposed to whatever they did.
4.至于文章结构，是有点危险，考试一旦写不完就完了，这里仅作尝试，主要看了一片满分作文才有感写的，那篇讲的是在国外学习是否应该住在外国人家里。
还是谢谢两位，有问题我们还可以再探讨。
5.还有it问题，那个是强调句，it is ... that(who)...

chrysoidineUID: 2731906

更正There is an old proverb which says that...

chrysoidineUID: 2731906

6.20 It is important to know the event happening around the world that not affect your daily life, do you agree or disagree?

The world is called the earth village nowadays, and human beings are immerged in the ocean of information and technology. Accordingly, a fair proportion of people claim that the widespread of information, which has nothing to do with their daily lives, is a waste of resource and energy and it should be filtered out. On the contrary, some others believe that events happening around the world that not affect their daily lives are good to know, and as far as I am concerned, I agree with the latter idea, if responsibility and communication are taken into consideration.

To start with, being acquainted with news around the world will help us realize our responsibilities to the world, even if it does not affect our daily lives. Ever since the era of primitives, our ancestors began to imagine a world without war, starvation and inequality. Thousands of years have passed, it turns out to be our responsibilies to care for the world. For example, when there is a drought in Africa, we could donate money and necessties to the victims if we know it from the TV, websites or other channels, and this could just save more people who are struggling to survive. It is our human beings that could save ourselves from disasters and tragedies, which will definitely improve the development of society.

Secondly, events happening around the world could inspire us unconsciously. There are plenty of instances that an artist obtains inspirations from daily news and pieces of information. For example, the Hollywood has made a bunch of movies talking about other cultures and alien stories, such as Kongfu Panda, The Lion King and Mulan, all of which are collected from materials of other countries but are definitely success as the treasure of the whole humanity.

However, we should not neglect that caring about this large mass information needs amounts of time and energy. The population is nearly seven billion, so thousands of hundreds of news will be present in front of our eyes by the advanced technology and the dense network of news agencies. For example, the newspaper becomes thicker and thicker; and the webside who claims to be capable of storing mass data is also expanding rapidly with the consequence of slow connecting speed and bothering redundancy.

As a result, we should care about the event which does not affect our daily lives but happens around the world and we should also overcome the obstacles hindering us from getting to know. Only by this way, the world could flourish and become prosperous in the future.

小羽暮雪UID: 2837865

The world is called the earth villagenowadays, and human beings are immerged in the ocean of information andtechnology. Accordingly, a fair proportion of people claim that the widespreadof information, which has nothing to do with their daily lives, is a waste ofresource and energy and it should be filtered out. On the contrary, some othersbelieve that events happening around the world that not affect their dailylives are good to know, and as far as I am concerned, I agree with the latteridea, if responsibility and communication are taken into consideration.第一段阐述分明，论点明晰。

To start with, beingacquainted with news around the world will help us realize our responsibilitiesto the world, even if it does not affect our daily lives. Ever since the era ofprimitives, our ancestors began to imagine a world without war, starvation andinequality. Thousands of years have passed, it turns out to be our responsibilies to care for the world.For example, when there is a drought in Africa,we could donate money and necessties tothe victims if we know it from the TV, websites or other channels, and thiscould just save more people who are struggling to survive. It is our humanbeings that could save
ourselves（us）from disasters andtragedies, which will definitely improve the development of society.
Secondly,events happening around the world could inspire us unconsciously. There areplenty of instances that an artist obtains inspirations from daily news andpieces of information. For example, the Hollywoodhas made a bunch of movies talking about other cultures and alien stories, suchas Kongfu Panda, The Lion King and Mulan, all of which are collected frommaterials of other countries but are definitely success as the treasure of thewhole humanity.. D0 ^* X2 D( {
2 V' y$ i# e9 _2 l
However, we should not neglect that caring about this large mass informationneeds amounts of time and energy. The population is nearly seven billion, sothousands of hundreds of news will be present in front of our eyes by theadvanced technology and the dense network of news agencies. For example, thenewspaper becomes thicker and thicker; and the webside who claims to be capable of storing mass data is alsoexpanding rapidly with the consequence of slow connecting speed and bothering （annoying也许更好，仅供参考）redundancy.
As a result, we should care about the event which does not affect ourdaily lives but happens around the world and we should also overcome theobstacles hindering us from getting to know. Only by this way, the world couldflourish and become prosperous in the future.最后这句略嫌重复，可以精简下。

总体而言，文段论点清晰，连贯一致，除了稍微有点小的拼写错误和用词斟酌外，不失为一篇不错的文章，论证的例子可以更有说服力一点。