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[i习作temp] ISSUE51 - 分组参考... [复制链接]

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发表于 2010-7-5 22:26:01 |显示全部楼层

想了很久,写了很久。自己也不知道怎么改,也不敢给别人瞎改。

加了版主组织的备考组,发一篇还算正常的作为分组参考 -_-||

还有20多天,要做的事情还很多,走出互改小组的第一步

欢迎互改,留链必回


TOPIC: ISSUE51 - "Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."

WORDS: 303          TIME: 00:45:00          DATE: 2010-6-28 16:31:06


Education, if simply stated, means the process of gaining the knowledge, instilling the forms of proper conduct and cultivating the personal competency. Views asserted as the issue, argue that when it is specifically designed to cater for the needs and interests of individual, education will be truly effective. However, in my opinion, the real purpose of education has been ignored in the statement, and the speaker just paid the attention on the personal demand is inadequate.


In the first place, I concede that the individual needs and interests of each student are vital in the process of teaching which has always been discussed between the teachers and institutes. "Interest is the best teacher", said Einstein Albert, and we believe that, the theory of relativity which has been the fundamental of modern science, can never be brought about if Einstein do not have the eager interest in the physics. People tend to be passionate, open-minded, and diligent when studying something meets their needs and interests.


However, the individual goal is just one part of the purpose of education whose initial function is to make us know the world around us. The effective education, I suggest that, is to educate the students through effective ways which serve its purpose. As a result, students will miss the whole picture of the real world if teachers only pay their attention on the students' needs and interests, and will not gain structured knowledge which has significant meanings for their whole life. The result has a bad effect especially for the pupils who begin to learn and still have innocent minds. For example, some basic principles youngsters feel them are hard and boring such as math, logic and physic, will be very helpful in future. Another fact is that, interests can be cultivated through some vivid, interesting and thought-provoking methods; even the most abstruse quantum mechanics can be explained through the simple expression by Feynman and his lectures on physics.


Education is also responsible for the cultivation of a civilized society. In modern society,

----------------------------------------------------------(didn't finished when time up)

personal competency which is one of the educational goals has a broader content embracing structured knowledge, occupational skill and social ability. With the process of globalization, the society at large has lay more emphasis on some social capacity - cooperation, teamwork, leadership, interpersonal and so forth - which cannot obtained through such education as the statement that not realize the individual needs and interests of each student are just one factor of effective education. We know that some students who are introversive and lack of the courage to communicate are prone to only focus on their own interests and do not want to stay with others. If the teachers do not notice that education only meeting their needs and interests are far from an effective one, they maybe will tend to be diffident and lack of a sense of belonging or even responsibility. Education have an obligation to cultivate students with social competency no matter they are interested or not.


Without making sure the purpose of education first, only specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student cannot guarantee an effective education. Nowadays, education should be well-structured, comprehensive and responsible when prepare the students for the society.

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发表于 2010-7-14 21:37:17 |显示全部楼层

Education, if simply stated, means the process of gaining imparting (我觉得传授知识比较合理)the knowledge, instilling the forms of proper conduct (什么意思?)and cultivating the personal competency. Views asserted as the issue, argue that when it is specifically designed to cater for the needs and interests of individual, education will be truly effective. However, in my opinion, the real purpose of education has been ignored in the statement, and the speaker just paid the attention on the personal demand is inadequate.(我觉得这句话不如直接把教育的真正目的说出来)



In the first place, I concede that the individual needs and interests of each student are vital in the process of teaching which has always been discussed between the teachers and institutes. "Interest is the best teacher", said Einstein Albert, and we believe that, the theory of relativity which has been the fundamental of modern science, can never be brought about if Einstein do not have the eager interest in the physics. People tend to be passionate, open-minded, and diligent when studying something meets their needs and interests.



However, the individual goal is just one part of the purpose of education whose initial function is to make us know the world around us. The effective education, I suggest that, is to educate the students through effective ways which serve its purpose.(什么意思?) As a result, students will miss the whole picture of the real world if teachers only pay their attention on to the students' needs and interests, and will not gain structured knowledge which has significant meanings for their whole life. The result has a bad effect especially for the pupils who begin to learn and still have innocent minds. For example, some basic principles youngsters feel them are hard and boring such as math, logic and physic, will be very helpful in future. Another fact is that, interests can be cultivated through some vivid, interesting and thought-provoking methods; even the most abstruse quantum mechanics can be explained through the simple expression by Feynman and his lectures on physics.不认识这个人,因此不晓得说的啥~



Education is also responsible for the cultivation of a civilized society. In modern society,


----------------------------------------------------------(didn't finished when time up)


personal competency which is one of the educational goals has a broader content embracing structured knowledge, occupational skill and social ability. With the process of globalization, the society at large has lay more emphasis on some social capacity - cooperation, teamwork, leadership, interpersonal and so forth - which cannot be obtained through such education as the statement that not realize the individual needs and interests of each student are just one factor of effective education. (主语是谁??)We know that some students who are introversive and lack of the courage to communicate are prone to only focus on their own interests and do not want to stay with others. If the teachers do not notice that education only meeting their needs and interests are far from an effective one, they maybe will may tend to be diffident and lack of a sense of belonging or even responsibility. Education have an obligation to cultivate students with social competency no matter they are interested or not.



Education Without making sure the purpose of education first and only specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student cannot guarantee an effective education. Nowadays, education should be well-structured, comprehensive and responsible when prepare the students for the society.

总体结构不错,每一个部分的例子还可以再多找一些

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发表于 2010-7-14 22:49:01 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 figuechen 于 2010-7-14 22:53 编辑

TOPIC: ISSUE51 - "Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."
WORDS: 303
TIME: 00:45:00
DATE: 2010-6-28 16:31:06


Education, if simply stated, means the process of gaining the knowledge, instilling the forms of proper conduct and cultivating the personal competency. [这个定义太晦涩了,还是用比较简洁生动的语言吧]Views asserted as the issue, argue that when it is specifically designed to cater for the needs and interests of individual, education will be truly effective. However, in my opinion, the real purpose of education has been ignored in the statement, and the speaker just paid the attention on the personal demand is inadequate.
[开头不算太紧凑,中间第二句重抄了题目,没什么必要,直接表明反对观点即可]

In the first place, I concede that the individual needs and interests of each student are vital in the process of teaching which has always been discussed between the teachers and institutes. [没看出这个修饰语的作用,如果不是必要的话可以考虑略去]"Interest is the best teacher", said Einstein Albert, and we believe that, the theory of relativity which has been the fundamental of modern science, can never be brought about if Einstein do [does,小的语法错误还是要注意]not have the eager interest in the physics. People tend to be passionate, open-minded, and diligent when studying something meets [应该是用定语从句吧?that meets]their needs and interests.
[这段说的并不是作者的观点,是属于让步的内容。让步的内容简洁即可,还用了一个例子有点画蛇添足。所举的例子都应该要支持自己的观点才对,这个例子有点乌龙了]

However, the individual goal is just one part of the purpose of education whose initial function is to make us know the world around us. The effective education, I suggest that, is to educate the students through effective ways which serve its purpose. [这个大家都明白的就不用再解释一遍了,感觉有点废话]As a result, students will miss the whole picture of the real world [我喜欢这个短语~]if teachers only pay their attention on the students' needs and interests, and will not gain[第一段用过了,换个obtain] structured knowledge which has significant meanings for their whole life. The result has a bad effect especially for [on,词组have an effect on sth.]the pupils who begin to learn and still have innocent minds. For example, some basic principles youngsters feel them [语法出错了,该用定语从句的地方就不用them]are hard and boring such as math, logic and physic[s;应该是physics], will be very helpful in future. Another fact is that, interests can be cultivated through some vivid, interesting and thought-provoking methods; even the most abstruse quantum mechanics can be explained through the simple expression by Feynman and his lectures on physics.[这位童鞋是物理系的吧?又是爱因斯坦又是费曼的。。。]
[最后那个例子想说明什么?跟Topic Sentence有什么联系不?另外建议Topic Sentence早点出现,等的花都谢了。。。]

Education is also responsible for the cultivation of a civilized society. In modern society, personal competency which is one of the educational goals has a broader content embracing structured knowledge, occupational skill and social ability. With the process of globalization, the society at large has lay more emphasis on some social capacity - cooperation, teamwork, leadership, interpersonal and so forth - which cannot obtained through such education as the statement that not realize the individual needs and interests of each student are just one factor of effective education. We know that some students who are introversive and lack of the courage to communicate are prone to only focus on their own interests and do not want to stay with others. If the teachers do not notice that education only meeting their needs and interests are far from an effective one, they maybe will tend to be diffident and lack of a sense of belonging or even responsibility. Education have [has]an obligation to cultivate students with social competency no matter they are interested or not.
[中间还有些语法错误,不一一指出了。想说的是建议作者不要把主要观点列在段落中间。第一二句就可以直接亮观点了,亮完观点再慢慢说educationfunction也不迟]

Without making sure the purpose of education first, only specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student cannot guarantee an effective education. [这句话的主语是?太chinglish了,改一改吧]Nowadays, education should be well-structured, comprehensive and responsible when prepare the students for the society.

总的说来,作者在分论点的设置和逻辑上的本意没有问题,但好像把designed education定义成了会导致偏科的education,如果要这样定义的话也最好说一句。

作者比较大的问题是语法基础比较弱,亦或是限时了以后打错的地方比较多?建议在语法问题上多加重视。


我一直觉得修改就是要意见为主,所以赞扬比较少,还请LZ多多谅解~希望也能互改一下同题的作文,在https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1121882-1-1.html的8楼,注意是8楼 - - 先谢了~

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RE: ISSUE51 - 分组参考... [修改]

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