1010G零散版友作文互改帖（Argument）

cant0577UID：2781482

占位 改 L45

According to the argument, optimistic performance  of Mesa Foods, the snack food manufacturer, rationalize the decision of Omni Inc. to buy Mesa Foods, and to concentrate on marketing Diabolique Salsa, the best-seller of Mesa Foods. 非常简洁的复述了原题同时做出了让步，额，强势的语言功底啊However, either the purchase or the marking strategy is lack of consideration. If Omni execute this strategy, crisis is likely to be around the corner好用法 学习学习.个人觉得如果能把lack of consideration 稍微具体化一些，会更好 能让ETS一下子抓住你要攻击的点。

The merging plan should be on the top of reconsideration. Mesa Food is stressed to have “strong growth potential” in the argument, but not strongly supported by the data. Either 20 the increase in profit last year or the increase in sales of Diabolique Salsa only suggest that Mesa Food is experiencing increase in the past 犀利的评判. The arguer fails to provide enough hints, such as strong R&D ability, innovation, reliable quality control and mature marking strategy, to guarantee Mesa Food’s promising future. For instance, if the snacks are reported to contain poisoned ingredients after Omni taken charge of Mesa Food, Omni may be in endless trouble of consumer’s complaining, suffering credibility crisis; or, it may forced to afford huge compensation, leading to financial crisis.  直接攻击假设 质疑发展潜力

Even if Mesa Food is merit enough and have great potential, it is not guaranteed that buying it the a wise choice of Omni Inc. Instead, the Omni should evaluate the financial ability of the both company. If Omni is much smaller Mesa Food, and not enough credits or loans are available, it is nearly impossible of Omni to perform 学习学习啊 the purchase. Moreover, the argument only mentions that the target consumers of Omni are 14-to-25 year olds, but does not present the fact that Omni is in the food industry. 又是一个潜在假设，一般人会直接忽略Omi是什么类型的公司Instead, if Omni is a well performed youth clothing company, is it of high risk to buy a corporation of food industry, which is an unfamiliar field to Omni. 攻击潜在假设，是否有能力购买

If finally the entire  crisis and risks are predicted, and Omni is appropriate as well as having the ability to buy Mesa Food, the chef of Omni may not have a breathing spell 没有看懂. The new problem is, is marking Diabolique Salsa throughout the country feasible ? 这句话可以这么表达？两个谓语？ It is highly doubted. Although DS is the bestseller of Mesa Food, neither the market share nor the growth rate of it is provided through out the argument. The acceptance degree of DS is unknown thus the sales situation in the future is hardly predicted. 学习学习。表达太精炼了 Provided that DS is well accepted, it is not guaranteed that DS is wide accepted, because the former market of DS is within a relatively small region of the country. If the flavor of DS is weird to other parts of the country, the promotion of DS will be more difficult, and might be a failure.
商品是否能被推被其他地区所接受
To summarize, purchasing a company and promote a new marketing strategy deserves close analysis and inspection. According the argument, the feasibility of Omni Inc. buying Mesa Foods and is highly doubted. It is strongly recommended of perform more specific observations and comparisons about both companies.

思路非常清晰 先攻击两个假设，在攻击是否能被其他地区接受。
语言能力强悍，表达非常干练，总之，跟你的一比，我的完全属于BABY ARGUMENT，几乎都在向你学习！！！onz

cant0577UID：2781482

我也是A8 虽然自己改了一下，但是思路有限 还要麻烦楼下不吝赐教啊~~~~

TOPIC: ARGUMENT8 - The following appeared in a memorandum issued by the strategic planning department at Omni Inc.

"Mesa Foods, a manufacturer of snack foods that currently markets its products within a relatively small region of the country, has strong growth potential. Mesa enjoyed a 20 percent increase in profits last year, and its best-selling product, Diabolique Salsa, has had increased sales over each of the past three years. Since Omni Inc. is interested in reaching 14-to-25 year olds, the age group that consumes the most snack food, we should buy Mesa Foods, and concentrate in particular on marketing Diabolique Salsa throughout the country."
WORDS: 534
TIME: 01:19:51
DATE: 2010/7/15 21:28:31

In the argument, speaker suggests buy Mesa Foods, for its strong growth potential and it is popular with 14-to-25 young people. It seems that this action may get benefits and the products will be welcome in the whole country. However, after taking a second thought, we would find that the proof of the age group consuming the most snack food is not powerful and the assumption of strong growth potential is doubtful.

To begin with, it cannot be the powerful reason that Omni Inc. is interested in the largest group consuming the most snack food to buy Mesa Food. Firstly, there is not statistics to proof that the group aged from 14 to 25 consumes the most snack food. Is statistics that the most consumers of snack food are young people based on the small region or the whole country? If the statistics is just based on the small region, perhaps just young people there are the main consumer of snack food. And, the speaker does not provide the statistics to support that Omni Inc. is popular in this age group. It is entirely possible that Mesa Foods is the only one snack food company in the small region, and Diabolique Salsa is the best snack among all kinds of products. Therefore, the young group has to choose it as their "interested snack food" for they have no choice.

Even if it is granted that Omni Inc. is interested in young people, there is no powerful evidence to proof the assumption that Mesa Foods has strong growth potential. As mentioned in the argument, in last years, Mesa enjoyed a 20 percent increase in profits. Perhaps Mesa produces a new product and it raises people's curiosity to buy one to taste. After a period of time, people are possible never purchase it again. Moreover, maybe in the past three years, the number of population in the region increases. It is not unusual that the new inhabitants would stimulate the consumptions. And they, especially young people, would like to try the snack foods which they have not tasted before. Therefore, if the speaker can provide statistics about the sales of Mesa, and the population of the region in recent 3 years, it would be better to illustrate the growth potential of the snack food company.

Finally, the success of Mesa Foods reached in the relatively small region does not mean that it will also be popular throughout the country. Consumers living in different areas have quiet different tastes. Perhaps the consumers in the small regions enjoy hot food, however, in another region, consumers prefer sweet snack food. In addition, when the products are introduced into a new market, Mesa must come across a plenty of competitions from other snack food companies. Will Mesa share the snack market? For lacking the information about Mesa's products, we cannot safely assume that Mesa Foods will be welcome throughout the country.

Overall, it appears to receive success to buy Mesa Foods. According to the analyses above, however, we should take possible alternatives about the increasing profits Mesa enjoyed and we had better to make a poll before making final conclusions. After all, a false decision may lead to negative results.

figuechenUID：2850619

In the argument, speaker suggests buy Mesa Foods, for its strong growth potential and it is popular with 14-to-25 young people. It seems that this action may get benefits and the products will be welcome in the whole country. However, after taking a second thought, we would find that the proof of [这个介词值得商榷]the age group consuming the most snack food is not powerful [这个形容词用得不对，证据不能说是powerful，可以说是persuasive]and the assumption of strong growth potential is doubtful.
To begin with, it cannot be the powerful [同上]reason that Omni Inc. is interested in the largest group consuming the most snack food to buy Mesa Food. [这句完全不通，建议自己多读两遍然后改一下吧，我不知道你想表达什么。。。]Firstly, there is not statistics to proof [prove]that the group aged from 14 to 25 consumes the most snack food. Is statistics that the most consumers of snack food are young people based on the small region or the whole country? If the statistics is just based on the small region, perhaps just young people [这个句子成分是什么？]there are the main consumer of snack food. And, the speaker does not provide the statistics to support that Omni Inc. is popular in this age group. It is entirely possible that Mesa Foods is the only one snack food company in the small region, and Diabolique Salsa is the best snack among all kinds of products. Therefore, the young group has [主语错误，young group是无法做choose的，只有人才可以]to choose it as their "interested snack food" for they have no choice.
[除了语法错误以外，该段废话太多，直到段落的最后才开始举例展开说明，例子之前的那几句话可以好好精简一下]
Even if it is granted that Omni Inc. is interested in young people, there is no powerful evidence to proof the assumption that Mesa Foods has strong growth potential. As mentioned in the argument, in last years, Mesa enjoyed a 20 percent increase in profits. Perhaps Mesa produces a new product and it raises people's curiosity to buy one to taste. After a period of time, people are possible never purchase it again. [It is possible for people not to purchase it again]Moreover, maybe in the past three years, the number of population in the region increases. It is not unusual that the new inhabitants would stimulate the consumptions. And they, especially young people, would like to try the snack foods which they have not tasted before. [这句话想表达的意思和上一句有什么区别么？]Therefore, if the speaker can provide statistics about the sales of Mesa, and the population of the region in recent 3 years, it would be better to illustrate the growth potential of the snack food company.
Finally, the success of Mesa Foods reached in the relatively small region does not mean that it will also be popular throughout the country. Consumers living in different areas have quiet [quite]different tastes. Perhaps the consumers in the small regions enjoy hot food, however, in another region, consumers prefer sweet snack food. In addition, when the products are introduced into a new market, Mesa must come across a plenty of competitions from other snack food companies. Will Mesa share the snack market? For lacking the information about Mesa's products, we cannot safely assume that Mesa Foods will be welcome throughout the country.
Overall, it appears to receive [???]success to buy Mesa Foods. According to the analyses above, however, we should take possible alternatives about the increasing profits Mesa enjoyed and we had better to make a poll before making final conclusions. After all, a false decision may lead to negative results.
[最后一段缺少对argument的改进部分]

综述：
作者在攻击点方面做得还不错，基本的攻击点都到位了，也都辅以例证来具体说明。但是作者在语言方面功底不够，单词拼写和语法错误层出不穷，不少句子成分前后颠倒，难以理解，造成阅读障碍。建议作者在语言方面认真加以改进。

祝共同进步！

figuechenUID：2850619

Argument17  The following appeared in a letter to the editor of the Walnut Grove town newspaper.                    
"Walnut Grove's town council has advocated switching from EZ Disposal (which has had the contract for trash collection services in Walnut Grove for the past ten years) to ABC Waste, because EZ recently raised its monthly fee from $2,000 to $2,500 a month, whereas ABC's fee is still $2,000. But the town council is mistaken; we should continue using EZ. EZ collects trash twice a week, while ABC collects only once. Moreover, EZ—which, like ABC, currently has a fleet of 20 trucks—has ordered additional trucks. Finally, EZ provides exceptional service: 80 percent of respondents to last year's town survey agreed that they were 'satisfied' with EZ's performance."


Word:605
未限时

    In this letter, the author claims that the decision of Walnut Grove’s town council to replace EZ Disposal for ABC Waste is mistaken. To support his claim, the author provides evidence to illustrate that EZ is superior to ABC in several aspects. The evidences are as follows: EZ collects trash more frequently; EZ will have more trucks; survey results showing the satisfactory attitudes of people towards EZ. Even if three facts are listed, there are several unwarranted assumptions and therefore the argument is unconvincing.
    To begin with, the author cannot draw the conclusion that EZ is superior according to the fact that EZ collects trash more frequently and has planned to purchase more trucks. The author unfairly assumes that the trash company which collects trash more frequently and owns more trucks is better, which is obviously not the case. Perhaps there is not so much trash in Walnut Grove town, and therefore it is adequate for trash company to collect trash once a week. The more frequent the company collects, the less efficient it is; or perhaps EZ takes charge of the trash of another two towns, and therefore the area that EZ takes charge of is far larger than that of ABC. Even if EZ owns more trucks, the trucks per area might be lower. Without considering these possibilities, the author cannot illustrate the point that EZ is superior with these weak evidences.
    Moreover, from the survey result, we cannot come to the claim that EZ provides exceptional service and therefore it is superior. First of all, the author does not provide evidence to prove that the respondents in this survey are representative to all the citizens in Walnut Grove. If not, the survey result might not correctly reflect the people’s attitudes. In addition, even if the result is statistically reliable, without comparable survey result on the satisfactory rate of ABC, the author too hastily concludes that EZ is superior. There exists the possibility that if a survey is to be conducted to evaluate the attitudes of citizens towards ABC, there will be 90% of residents who said they were “satisfied” with ABC’s performance. Unless the author provides extra information or survey results to eliminate these possibilities, I cannot accept the claim that EZ provides exceptional service and therefore it is superior.
    Finally, even if all those assumptions above are warranted and EZ is indeed superior than ABC, we cannot either draw the conclusion that Walnut Grove’s town council should choose EZ. The author neglects factors that might influence the decision other than the quality of the service. For example, we do not know whether the town council has enough money to pay EZ for the 50% rise in charge. If not, then ABC might not be a bad choice; another example is that the qualities of both companies are perfect and it is sufficient to have either one perform the trash collection. In this case, it is apparent that town council will prefer ABC since the cheaper, the better. If the author cannot provide further information in these aspects, he cannot convince me that the town council should choose EZ.
    In sum, the author has several mistaken or unwarranted assumptions and therefore the claim that EZ should be the first choice to town council is unconvincing. To better bolster his claim, the author had better provide information or evidence as follows: The amount of trash in Walnut Grove; the trucks per area of ABC and EZ; improved survey results which has a comparable result and whose respondents must be representative; the budget of the town council to make contract with the trash company.

恳请楼下狠拍，少谈优点，多说不足~先谢谢了

beanie加油UID：2843548

In this letter, the author claims that the decision of Walnut Grove’s town council to replace EZ Disposal for ABC Waste is mistaken. To support his claim, the author provides evidence to illustrate that EZ is superior to ABC in several aspects. The evidences are as follows: EZ collects trash more frequently; EZ will have more trucks; survey results showing the satisfactory attitudes of people towards EZ. Even if three facts are listed, there are several unwarranted assumptions and therefore the argument is unconvincing. 首先，第一段我可以看出你在尽量向阅卷者展示稳重的因果关系。但是，作为文章开头，你这种因果表达是很值得arguable的！全部意思复述了一遍，语言啰嗦，是最主要的毛病。个人建议可以这默写：In this letter, the editor tries to refute the position hold by the town council of cooperating with ABC Waste rather than EZ Disposal. To illustrate his stand, he subsequently lists the reasons that seem to persuasively articulate the advantages of choosing EZ Disposal. However, it is not well-reasoned
    To begin with, the author cannot draw the conclusion that EZ is superior according to the fact that EZ collects trash more frequently and has planned to purchase more trucks. The author unfairly assumes that the trash company which collects trash more frequently and owns more trucks(重复吗？) is better, which is obviously not the case. Perhaps there is not so much trash in Walnut Grove town, and therefore it is adequate for trash company to collect trash once a week.(the first possibility) The more frequent the company collects, the less efficient it is; or perhaps EZ takes charge of the trash of another two towns, and therefore the area that EZ takes charge of is far larger than that of ABC. Even if EZ owns more trucks, the trucks per area might be lower.(the second possibility) Without considering these possibilities, the author cannot illustrate the point that EZ is superior with these weak evidences.两个possibility加最终一个without…,很好！！（Ps:文章结构用不同颜色标出来之后，中间那行黑体字你不觉得多余吗？）
    Moreover, from the survey result, we cannot come to the claim that EZ provides exceptional service and therefore it is superior. First of all, the author does not provide evidence to prove that the respondents in this survey are representative to all the citizens in Walnut Grove. If not, the survey result might not correctly reflect the people’s attitudes. （第一个possibility，其实换种possibility更强我觉得：80%的回应者可能都是对EZ有好感的，那些没回应的很有可能是支持ABC的呀，therefore…..）In addition, even if the result is statistically reliable, without comparable survey result on the satisfactory rate of ABC, the author too hastily concludes that EZ is superior. There exists the possibility that if a survey is to be conducted to evaluate the attitudes of citizens towards ABC, there will be 90% of residents who said they were “satisfied” with ABC’s performance. (第二个possibility,很有力的攻击，但是你不觉得用五行说太“详细”了吗？直接从第二句开始就可以了)Unless the author provides extra information or survey results to eliminate these possibilities, I cannot accept the claim that EZ provides exceptional service and therefore it is superior.
    Finally, even if all those assumptions above are warranted and EZ is indeed superior than ABC, we cannot either draw the conclusion that Walnut Grove’s town council should choose EZ. The author neglects factors that might influence the decision other than the quality of the service. For example, we do not know whether the town council has enough money to pay EZ for the 50% rise in charge. (第一个possibility)If not, then ABC might not be a bad choice; another example is that the qualities of both companies are perfect and it is sufficient to have either one perform the trash collection.（第二个possibility，有点勉强，或许可以说ABC信誉好，收垃圾方法科学。。。额。。。可以考虑下）
In this case, it is apparent that town council will prefer ABC since the cheaper, the better. If the author cannot provide further information in these aspects, he cannot convince me that the town council should choose EZ.
    In sum, the author has several mistaken or unwarranted assumptions and therefore the claim that EZ should be the first choice to town council is unconvincing. To better bolster his claim, the author had better provide information or evidence as follows: The amount of trash in Walnut Grove; the trucks per area of ABC and EZ; improved survey results which has a comparable result and whose respondents must be representative; the budget of the town council to make contract with the trash company.（同第一段缺点。。）
恩。。。既然你想让我猛拍，我就说啦。首先，写argument,你得搞清楚写的目的是神魔，不是他的观点符不符合你的意思，能不能说服你，而是你在看完他的reason之后，根据他那个什莫line of reasoning提出它所存在的不足，并予改正。你这篇文章可以自己数下有不少地让人感觉你是那个town council..…
关于语言，chienglish很严重。建议在思考时避免中文的思维和套路。多阅读些美国文章，有益无害。
给你回得晚了些，嘿嘿，抱歉阿。以上纯属个人意见，如有疑问可共同讨论！

beanie加油UID：2843548

TOPIC: ARGUMENT133 - The following is a memo from the principal of Academia High School.

"Academia High School should abolish its after-school performing-arts programs and replace them with computer-technology programs. When nearby Techno High School did so last year, total enrollment in all of its after-school activities remained about the same. Moreover, on entering college, many Techno students chose a major directly related to their after-school activities. On the other hand, last year only 10 percent of Academia's graduating seniors chose performing arts as their major field of study in their first year of college, clearly indicating that most students do not have a strong interest in the performing arts."


     The article is well-organized but not well-reasoned. By asserting that the total enrollment in all of its after-school activities remained the same and the only 10 percent of Academia's graduating seniors chose performing arts as their major, the speaker consequently concludes that most students are not strongly interested in the performing arts. However, it is certainly not the case.
     Mentioned about the total enrollment in its after-school activities in Techno High School, it is quite possible that students in that school are specialized in computer-technology programs. The abolishment of the performing-arts programs may influence only a small part of the students' preference on that field. But compared with the significance of their major learning, they are not reluctantly to attend the programs related to their major. Therefore, it explains why the total enrollment remained about the same.
     Secondly, the speaker reaches his position that most students do not have a strong interest in the performing arts in the case of only 10 percent of Academia's graduating seniors chose that as their major field of study in their first year of college. But chances are that many other students are more inclined to select some required courses in their first year of college, and when they turn to be a sophomore, a specialized major such as performing arts may be included in their consideration. Are the students whose major is not in performing arts indicating that it is not their favorite field? If not so, probably there are a number of students who have a strong interest in performing art but give up their dream in consideration of the social needs. Without ruling out the possible alternatives, the conclusion made by the principal is not as convincing as it stands.
     Also, the students in the two different schools have a great different in their individual interest and needs. For those in Techno High School, students are quite likely to be focused on computer-technology programs, whereas in Academia High School, students are driven by their interests in performing arts. Hence, the program can not be cancelled on account of the importance and necessity it owns in the students’ learning.
     Overall, the reasoning behind the abolishment of the performing arts programs seems logical as presented above since the principal is fully working best for the interest of the students in his school. However, before any final decisions are made about cancelling the programs, a more thorough evaluation should be taken concerning with its benefits of the policy.
不多说了，望猛拍，谢谢

追梦小木耳UID：2781857

     The article is well-organized but not well-reasoned. By asserting that the total enrollment in all of its after-school activities remained the same and the only 10 percent of Academia's graduating seniors chose performing arts as their major, the speaker consequently concludes that most students are not strongly interested in the performing arts. However, it is certainly not the case.
     Mentioned about the total enrollment in its after-school activities in Techno High School, it is quite possible that students in that school are specialized in computer-technology programs. The abolishment of the performing-arts programs may influence only a small part of the students' preference on that field. But compared with the significance of their major learning, they are not reluctantly to attend the programs related to their major. Therefore, it explains why the total enrollment remained about the same.
这一段解释了为什么在T学校参加电脑活动的人和表演活动的人一样多。但是你只是解释了这个现象出现的原因，并没有和A学校类比。
     Secondly, the speaker reaches his position that most students do not have a strong interest in the performing arts in the case of only 10 percent of Academia's graduating seniors chose that as their major field of study in their first year of college. But chances are that many other students are more inclined to select some required courses in their first year of college, and when they turn to be a sophomore, a specialized major such as performing arts may be included in their consideration. 你是想说大一只学基础课，大二才选修专业课？但我认为题目中说的major就是指在大学中学的专业。就算学生把表演当选修课学了，也与题目中说课外活动决定major不相符合。Are the students whose major is not in performing arts indicating that it is not their favorite field? If not so, probably there are a number of students who have a strong interest in performing art but give up their dream in consideration of the social needs.我觉得这一段前面那些都没有说到点上，这一句才点明了你想表达的意思。 Without ruling out the possible alternatives, the conclusion made by the principal is not as convincing as it stands.
     Also, the students in the two different schools have a great different difference in their individual interest and needs. For those in Techno High School, students are quite likely to be focused on computer-technology programs, whereas in Academia High School, students are driven by their interests in performing arts. Hence, the program can not be cancelled on account of the importance and necessity it owns in the students’ learning.这句话意思模糊。
这一段假设了两个学校的学生兴趣有差异，那到底和课外活动有什么关系呢，与大学专业有什么关系呢？都没有说出来。
     Overall, the reasoning behind the abolishment of the performing arts programs seems logical as presented above since the principal is fully working best for the interest of the students in his school. However, before any final decisions are made about cancelling the programs, a more thorough evaluation should be taken concerning with its benefits of the policy.

我认为作者的这篇文章逻辑有些混乱，没有抓住题目中的攻击点。
我认为题目中的攻击点为：
1 错误的类比了两个学校。在T学校，将表演课换成电脑课，参加的人数一样多，并不表示同样的情况会在a学校出现。也许a学校的学生对电脑技术没有兴趣。
而作者只是解释了t学校换课后参加人数一样多，并没有指明A学校的情况。
2
课外活动决定专业是没有根据的。也许是因为电脑技术好就业，其实学生并不感兴趣。
这一点作者倒是说到了，但是没有详细展开。可以说一说可能是现在社会的需求、就业的形势什么的
3
即使课外活动决定专业，那么10%的数字也不能说明A学校学生对表演没有兴趣。也许这个学校的总人数很多，10%说明有很大的需求。而换成别的可能还不到10%。
作者说了两学校学生兴趣的不同，到底是什么情况，却没有给出解释。

还有一点攻击力不够的原因是，缺少详细的解释。虽然你给出了一些假设，但是都缺少深入的细节，很难让人相信假设的成立

以上为个人意见，欢迎反驳

追梦小木耳UID：2781857

首先感谢所有帮我改文的童鞋！
还有10天，第一次计时，没写完，已补充并修改，请楼下同学指教！

TOPIC: ARGUMENT161 - In a study of reading habits of Leeville citizens conducted by the University of Leeville, most respondents said they preferred literary classics as reading material. However, a follow-up study conducted by the same researchers found that the type of book most frequently checked out of each of the public libraries in Leeville was the mystery novel. Therefore, it can be concluded that the respondents in the first study had misrepresented their reading habits.
WORDS: 251          TIME: 00:30:00          DATE: 2010-7-17 21:21:25

Final words 458

The argument sounds sensible by comparing the two study results, in which one indicated that the residents like literary classics while the other demonstrated that mystery novels are their favorite. However, the conclusion that the first study has misrepresented the reading habits is presumptuous, which obviously ignores other possibilities.

In the first place, one must question the ways in which the two studies were conducted. Probable, the respondents of the first study and the frequent clients of public libraries are totally two groups of people. As for the first study, are the participants limited to a certain age range, who happen to like classic literature? It is entirely possible that the elder people in the town prefer classic literature since they could hardly accept the modern conceptions presented in contemporary literature. If the respondents are limited to them, the result would be misleading. On the other hand, the result of the second study remains questionable. The researcher fails to consider the main clients of the public libraries. Perhaps, it is only a certain small groups of people like teenagers who went there frequently and kept checking mysterious novels. If so, the result is not convincing.

In addition, only judging from the simple comparison of the two studies' results one can hardly decide the reading habits of the town. Perhaps, the literary classics are the most popular books, and therefore, most residents bought the books and repeated reading them rather than borrow them from libraries. In this case, the researchers must study the sales of all kinds of books, and account for this study results as well. There is also possibility that the clients in libraries were merely checking the mysterious novels out of curiosity but not truly reading them. Thus, the study conducted only by discovering the books that have been checked for most times in public libraries can not reflect residents’ reading habit either.

Finally, the arguer also fails to take into consideration time difference of the two studies. Are they conducted at the same time or separately? If it is the latter case, the reading habits of the residents probably are affected by other factors. For instance, most people prefer literary classics, which was correctly revealed in the first study. But when the second study was proceeding, mysterious books became popular due to one popular mysterious movie, which arouse people’s interest, therefore causing relevant novel’s popularity in public libraries.

To conclude, as the two studies were conducted in questionable ways and their ignorance of some crucial information, neither can they reveal the reading habits of Leevile citizens. In order to make the argument forceful, the researchers should not only examine the ways the above two studies were conducted, but also account for local sales of books.

费话先生UID：2788924

这篇文章我写过。。。所以我将尽力改之
The argument sounds sensible by comparing the two study results, in which one indicated that the residents like literary classics while the other demonstrated that mystery novels are their favorite. However, the conclusion that the first study has misrepresented the reading habits is presumptuous, which obviously ignores other possibilities.

In the first place, one must question the ways in which the two studies were conducted. Probable(用副词), the respondents of the first study and the frequent clients of public libraries are totally two groups of people. As for the first study, are the participants limited to a certain age range, who happen to like classic literature? It is entirely possible that the elder people in the town prefer classic literature since they could hardly accept the modern conceptions presented in contemporary literature. If the respondents are limited to them, the result would be misleading. On the other hand, （哎，前面都没有on one hand,我香港的老师说的，好像没有只用一半的情况哦，虽然我原来也经常用。。。而且是表对比，而非并列）the result of the second study remains questionable. The researcher fails to consider the main clients of the public libraries. Perhaps, it is only a certain small groups of people like teenagers who went there frequently and kept checking mysterious novels. If so, the result is not convincing.

In addition, only judging from the simple comparison of the two studies' results one can hardly decide(reveal) the reading habits of the town. Perhaps, the literary classics are the most popular books, and therefore, most residents bought the books and repeated reading them rather than borrow them from libraries. In this case, the researchers must study the sales of all kinds of books, and account for this study results as well. There is also possibility that the clients in libraries were merely checking the mysterious novels out of curiosity but not truly reading them. （这点其实有点牵强。。。去图书馆借书其实不是为了看的。。这比例能有多大呢。。。）Thus, the study conducted only by discovering the books that have been checked for most times in public libraries can not reflect residents’ reading habit either.

Finally, the arguer also fails to take into consideration time difference of the two studies. Are they conducted at the same time or separately? If it is the latter case, the reading habits of the residents probably are affected by other factors.（我觉得要突出中间时间长，否则虽说是分开做，如果时间就个把月，那么可信度又下降了，if the time span between the two surveys is considerable long, the habits of residents probably have changed obviously during the period） For instance, most people prefer literary classics, which were correctly revealed in the first study. But when the second study was proceeding, mysterious books became popular due to one popular mysterious movie, which arouse people’s interest, therefore causing relevant novel’s popularity in public libraries.

To conclude, as the two studies were conducted in questionable ways and their ignorance of some crucial information, neither can they reveal the reading habits of Leevile citizens. In order to make the argument forceful, the researchers should not only examine the ways the above two studies were conducted, but also account for local sales of books.

     我觉得这篇是典型的调查问题类文章，楼主的框架都不错， 语言错误也很少，不过我觉得在他因列举上可以再向insightful和reasonable上靠拢。这篇文章我自己当时限时也失败了。。。主要是攻击点其实就俩。。。然后他因一大堆。。。然后我就忧郁了。。。版友结尾写得很好！

费话先生UID：2788924

ARGUMENT20 - The following appeared in a letter to the editor of the Balmer Island Gazette.

"The population of Balmer Island increases to 100,000 duing the summer months. To reduce the number of accidents involving mopeds and pedestrians, the town council of Balmer Island should limit the number of mopeds rented by each of the island's six moped and bicycle rental companies from 50 per day to 30 per day during the summer season. By limiting the number of rentals, the town council is sure to attain the 50 percent reduction in moped accidents that was achieved last year in the neighboring island of Torseau, when Torseau's town council enforced similar limits on moped rentals."

   Merely based on a series of unfound assumptions and vague facts, the author suggests limiting the number of mopeds rented by each of the Balmer Island’s (B) six rental companies to 30 per day during the summer season for the purpose of reducing accidents involving mopeds and pedestrians. However, the suggestion is unwarranted and hasty without close scrutiny,
    The first assumption is that the cause of accidents is due to the overmany rented moped and bicycles. However, the author fails to provide any convincing evidence to support it. It is possible that most of accidents are due to the carelessness of pedestrians who ignore the traffic rules. Or perhaps the majority of accidents occurs in harsh weather; especially the rainy days which may not be conduce to brake in time. Thus, it is more reasonable to educate pedestrians to obey the traffic rules or install the warning signs during the bad weather or on some dangerous curves to decrease the number of accidents.  
     Another threshold assumption in the argument is that the only means to access to mopeds and bicycles is renting. Yet, here may be not the case. Residents in B Island are more likely to buy mopeds and bicycles for their own because of the cheap price and convenience to use. If the council of B Island limits the number of mopeds rented, people would possibly turn to buy them a moped rather than to rent one. Another possible situation is that the number of companies providing renting service increases, if the demands of residents remain strong like the present. Naturally, despite the limits on moped rentals, the number of mopeds in street may turn out to increase at last. Therefore, the author should evaluate all possible means to access to moped if he really wants to decrease the mopeds in street.
    In addition, the author infers the conclusion that B island will have the similar effects like T island after adopting the limits from an improper analogy. However, the author does not provide any details to demonstrate that the conditions like population, the consuming habits and the demographic data in the two islands are nearly the same. If the majority of mopeds users are tourists in T Island, the limits may effect well since the tourists are less likely to buy mopeds themselves. Whereas most mopeds users in B Island are children, they will ask their parents to buy mopeds for them instead of giving up their habits, which will reduce the effect of limits. Until the author demonstrates that the two islands are nearly same and hence the effects of limits, the author should not hastily follow the example of T Island.
    Overall, the advice by the author is poor reasoned indeed. To bolster it, the author should provide more details about the causes of accidents happened in B Island. He is also suggested to evaluate the possible effect of the limit; what’s more, he’d better prove that the experience of the other island will work as well.

beanie加油UID：2843548

duing the summer months. To reduce the number of accidents involving mopeds and pedestrians, the town council of Balmer Island should limit the number of mopeds rented by each of the island's six moped and bicycle rental companies from 50 per day to 30 per day during the summer season. By limiting the number of rentals, the town council is sure to attain the 50 percent reduction in moped accidents that was achieved last year in the neighboring island of Torseau, when Torseau's town council enforced similar limits on moped rentals."

   Merely based on a series of unfound assumptions and vague facts, the author suggests limiting the number of mopeds rented by each of the Balmer Island’s (B) six rental companies to 30 per day during the summer season for the purpose of reducing accidents involving mopeds and pedestrians过于啰嗦. However, the suggestion is unwarranted and hasty without close scrutiny,
    The first assumption is that the cause of accidents is due to the overmany 没这词。。rented moped and bicycles. However, the author fails to provide any convincing evidence to support it. It is possible that most of accidents are due to the carelessness of pedestrians who ignore the traffic rules. Or perhaps the majority of accidents occurs in harsh weather; especially the rainy days which may not be conduce to brake in time.两个possibility,good！ Thus, it is more reasonable to educate pedestrians to obey the traffic rules or install the warning signs during the bad weather or on some dangerous curves to decrease the number of accidents.解决方案，good!  
     Another threshold assumption in the argument is that the only means to access to mopeds and bicycles is renting. Yet, here may be not the case. Residents in B Island are more likely to buy mopeds and bicycles for their own because of the cheap price and convenience to use. If the council of B Island limits the number of mopeds rented, people would possibly turn to buy them a moped rather than to rent one. Another possible situation is that the number of companies providing renting service increases, if the demands of residents remain strong like the present. Naturally, despite the limits on moped rentals, the number of mopeds in street may turn out to increase at last. Therefore, the author should evaluate all possible means to access to moped if he really wants to decrease the mopeds in street.
    In addition, the author infers the conclusion that B island will have the similar effects like T island after adopting the limits from an improper analogy. However, the author does not provide any details to demonstrate that the conditions like population, the consuming habits and the demographic data in the two islands are nearly the same. If the majority of mopeds users are tourists in T Island, the limits may effect well since the tourists are less likely to buy mopeds themselves.more likely to rent… Whereas most mopeds users in B Island are children, they will ask their parents to buy mopeds for them instead of giving up their habits, which will reduce the effect of limits. Until the author demonstrates that the two islands are nearly same and hence the effects of limits, the author should not hastily follow the example of T Island.这段明白你再说什莫，但是说得有点不清楚。。
    Overall, the advice by the author is poor reasoned indeed. To bolster it, the author should provide more details about the causes of accidents happened in B Island. He is also suggested to evaluate the possible effect of the limit; what’s more, he’d better prove that the experience of the other island will work as well.
这篇文章逻辑结构很好，body第一段说many other possibilities cause to accidents.第二段说即使limit the mopeds rental, residents may choose to buy them. 质疑了方法的准确性,good!!!第三段比较了两个岛的不同。个人感觉第二段的逻辑很好！因为我的时候没考虑到这个，嘿嘿。总体来说逻辑没问题，有点问题的是语言，个别地方有语法错误。
Good!


the second edtion:
duing the summer months. To reduce the number of accidents involving mopeds and pedestrians, the town council of Balmer Island should limit the number of mopeds rented by each of the island's six moped and bicycle rental companies from 50 per day to 30 per day during the summer season. By limiting the number of rentals, the town council is sure to attain the 50 percent reduction in moped accidents that was achieved in last year in the neighboring island of Torseau, when Torseau's town council enforced similar limits on moped rentals."

   Merely based on a series of unfound assumptions and vague facts, the author suggests limiting the number of mopeds rented by each of the Balmer Island’s (B) six rental companies to 30 per day during the summer season for the purpose of reducing accidents involving mopeds and pedestrians过于啰嗦. 可以变为In order to reduce accidents involving mopeds and pedestrians, the author suggests the rental companies to limit their number of mopeds rented to 30 per day，因为你这段的第一句话和最后一句话说的是一个意思
However, the suggestion is unwarranted and hasty without close scrutiny,
    The first assumption is that the cause of accidents is due to the overmany 没这词。。rented moped and bicycles. However, the author fails to provide any convincing evidences to support it. It is possible that most of accidents are due to the carelessness of pedestrians who ignore the traffic rules. Or perhaps the majority of accidents occur(s) in harsh weather; especially the rainy days which when it may not be conduce(conducive) to brake in time.两个possibility,good！ Thus, it is more reasonable to educate pedestrians to obey the traffic rules or install the warning signs during (the) bad weather or on some dangerous curves to decrease the number of accidents.解决方案，good!  
     Another threshold assumption in the argument is两个is不重复吗？可以用involves that the only mean(s) to access to mopeds and bicycles is renting. Yet, here may be not the case. Residents in B Island are more likely to buy mopeds and bicycles for their own(private use) because of the cheap price and convenience to use(its cheap price and convenience). If the council of B Island limits the number of mopeds rented, people would possibly turn to buy them a moped(buy a moped for them) rather than to rent one. Another possible situation is that the number of companies providing renting service increases, if the demands of residents remain strong like the present.(这个。。主将从现吧。Another probablity is that if the residents’ interest to the moped remain…., chances are that the number of companeis…will be subsequently increased) Naturally, despite the limits on moped rentals, the number of mopeds in street may turn out to increase at last. Therefore, the author should evaluate all possible means to access to moped if he really wants to decrease the mopeds in street.感觉这个反例不是很strong。。
    In addition, the author hastily infers
to
the conclusion that B island will have the similar effects like(with) T island after adopting the limits(the policy of limitation on the number of moped rental) from an improper analogy（不要，啰嗦，前面加一个hastily）. However, the author does not provide any details to demonstrate that the conditions like(such as) population, the consuming habits and the demographic data in the two islands are(用太多了，remain) nearly the same. If the majority of mopeds users are tourists in T Island, the limits may effect well(then the proposal would be well-effective) since the tourists are less likely to buy mopeds themselves.more likely to rent…(for themselves instead more willing to rent) Whereas most mopeds users in B Island are children, they will ask their parents to buy mopeds for them instead of giving up their habits, which will reduce the effect of limits. Until the author demonstrates that the two islands are nearly same and hence the effects of limits,(Unless the author demonstrates the nealy same situations in the two islands)
the author should not hastily follow the example of T Island.这段明白你再说什莫，但是说得有点不清楚。。
    Overall, the advice by the author is poor reasoned indeed(the advice offered by the author is indeed poor-reasoned). To bolster it, the author should provide more details about the causes of accidents happened in B Island. He is also(Also, it would be better for he to evaluate the..)suggested to evaluate the possible effect of the limit; what’s more, he’d better prove that the experience of the other island will work as well.

beanie加油UID：2843548

TOPIC: ARGUMENT53 - Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin-a hormone known to affect some brain functions-would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children-now teenagers-who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.
WORDS: 279 REVISED: 464       TIME: 00:30:00  1:00:00      DATE: 2010-7-18 19:07:58

     The article is well-organized, but not well-reasoned. By claiming that the group of infants who showed signs of mild distress was due to their mothers' production of melatonin and this kind of hormone is responsible for the later shyness of these children. The argument seems to be accurate and convincing at first glance. However, a deep analysis reveals many critical fallacies which challenge the strong stand it shows.
     Foremost, the researchers assert that the mild distress of the group of infants comes from the melatonin their mother product, but it is actually not the case. Chances are that their reactions to the phenomenon could be explained by other genetic or environmental factors instead of the melatonin. For instance, probably when they are brought to a new environment such as to the laboratory, the unfamiliar situation causes them to feel distressed rather than what the unusual odor or the unknown voice work on them. Or facts are quite likely that it is many other hormones not the melatonin that push them to be nervous under that circumstance. And melantonin, described in the argument as a hormone known to affect some brain-functions-would naturally increase their curiosity to the unknown stuff. Without ruling out these possibilities, the researchers can not attribute the infants' distress to their mothers' production of melatonin.
     A follow-up study shows that most children who had felt mildly distress identified themselves as shy. However, I have to reject the argument because of the non-relationship between the two words. To define the term shyness, we need to start from both the genetical factors and the environmental factors. On account of the former one, it is quite the chance that those children's parents are introvert and therefore this kind of personality leads to the same shyness in their next generation. But the latter factor plays a role as indispensable as the first one. Probably their characters are shaped largely by the environment where they grow up or because the negative effects they are influenced in some certain types of things, which all can best explain their shyness. Hence, these would have to be ruled out in order for the researchers’ position to be valid.
     Overall, we can get to know that the researchers try to create a relationship between the infants' signs of mild distress, their mothers' production of melatonin and the later shyness. However, lacking of thinking about many counter examples that may refute the argument, they hastily reach the conclusion that it is the malatonin that causes the children's shyness both in their infancy and in their later life. So in order to perceive a clearer and more accurate answer of distress and shyness in the studies, the researchers need to take a comprehensive look upon the existing possibilities that may function on them.   
欢迎往死拍

秋尽江南UID：2636333

TOPIC: ARGUMENT53 - Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliarstimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknownvoice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than otherinfants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when theirmothers' production of melatonin-a hormone known to affect some brainfunctions-would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight.In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half ofthese children-now teenagers-who had shown signs of distress identifiedthemselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birthcause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.
WORDS: 279 REVISED: 464       TIME: 00:30:00  1:00:00      DATE: 2010-7-18 19:07:58

     The article is well-organized, but not well-reasoned. By claimingthat the group of infants who showed signs of mild distress was due totheir mothers' production of melatonin and this kind of hormone isresponsible for the later shyness of these children.（这句话的谓语部分…我没有找到…） The argument seemsto be accurate and convincing at first glance. However, a deep analysisreveals many critical fallacies which challenge the strong stand itshows.
     Foremost（好词～）, the researchers assert that the mild distress of thegroup of infants comes from the melatonin their mother product, but itis actually not the case（毕竟否定作者提出的理由也是基于猜测，是不是改成it might not be the case更合适一些？）. Chances are that their reactions to thephenomenon could be explained by other genetic or environmental factorsinstead of the melatonin. （接下来的例子是按照environmental and genetic的顺序，倒过来和前文呼应是不是更顺畅一些？）For instance, probably when they are broughtto a new environment such as to the laboratory, the unfamiliarsituation causes them to feel distressed rather than what the unusualodor or the unknown voice work on them. Or facts are quite likely thatit is many other hormones not the melatonin that push them to benervous under that circumstance. And melantonin, described in theargument as a hormone known to affect some brain-functions-wouldnaturally increase their curiosity to the unknown stuff. （这一段关于其他原因的分析很详细，展开得相当深入，学习～）Without rulingout these possibilities, the researchers can not attribute the infants'distress to their mothers' production of melatonin.
     A follow-up study shows that most children who had felt mildlydistress identified themselves as shy. However, I have to reject theargument because of the non-relationship between the two words（指代不明确）. Todefine the term "shyness", we need to start from both the geneticalfactors and the environmental factors. On account of the former one, itis quite the chance that those children's parents are introvert andtherefore this kind of personality leads to the same shyness in theirnext generation. But the latter factor plays a role as indispensable(好词) asthe first one. Probably their characters are shaped largely by theenvironment where they grow up or because the negative effects they areinfluenced in some certain types of things, which all can best explaintheir shyness.（... are shaped because...感觉不是很顺，or 后面的句子自成一句在语法和表达上都会更容易掌控一些吧？） Hence(学习连接词的用法～), these would have to be ruled out in order for theresearchers’ position to be valid.
     Overall, we can get to know that the researchers try to create arelationship between the infants' signs of mild distress, theirmothers' production of melatonin and the later shyness. However,lacking of thinking about many counter examples that may refute theargument, they hastily reach the conclusion that it is the malatoninthat causes the children's shyness both in their infancy and in theirlater life. So in order to perceive a clearer and more accurate answerof（to？） distress and shyness in the studies, the researchers need to take acomprehensive look upon the existing possibilities that may function onthem.   （结尾总结的相当完整～）

对于错误原因的分析相当深入（这也正是我很欠缺的地方，学习ing...）展现了相当的词汇量（继续学习…）
可能是我读长句的能力有问题，感觉文中的长句过多，有些语法问题也导致理解障碍，或许可以考虑长短句结合一下？
鄙人新手，意见多有不准确之处，欢迎PM赐教交流～

秋尽江南UID：2636333

首先感谢改文的童鞋～辛苦辛苦～
第一次限时、第一次写调查类的argument。
提纲：出借次数最多的书为必是市民最喜欢的读物
          从公立图书馆收集的数据未必能反映人们的阅读习惯
         两次调查间隙未知，市民的阅读习惯可能发生变化。

看到53L 400+的argu，很是受挫啊……

TOPIC: ARGUMENT161 - In a study of reading habits of Leeville citizens conducted by the University of Leeville, most respondents said they preferred literary classics as reading material. However, a follow-up study conducted by the same researchers found that the type of book most frequently checked out of each of the public libraries in Leeville was the mystery novel. Therefore, it can be concluded that the respondents in the first study had misrepresented their reading habits.
WORDS: 345-368          TIME: 00:30:00          DATE: 2010/7/18 22:47:39

In this argument, the author concludes that the first study of reading habits of Leeville citizens misrepresented their reading habits on the basis of the comparison between the results of two studies on the same topic. The conclusion may seem reasonable somehow, however, it is weakened by incomplete comparison and unwarranted assumptions.

The threshold problem with this argument is that the author assumes that the most frequently checked out books in the public libraries are readers' favorites, which might not be the case. Common sense tells that if one put high value on a book, he/she would rather buy it instead of borrowing it from library. It is entirely possible that people would like to buy literary classics instead of borrowing them from libraries. With the unjustified assumption, the conclusion is problematic.

Even assuming that most frequently-checked-out books reflect citizens' preference, data merely collected from public libraries is insufficient. Perhaps there are mainly mystery novels in public libraries, so naturally the most-frequently-checked-out books would be mystery novels. Yet this result is of little to do with the citizens’ reading habits. Or perhaps most Leeville citizens go to private libraries while only a small proportion go to public ones, for that matter, the data in the study cannot represent the preference of the majority citizens. Thus the conclusion based on the one-side data is unsound.

Moreover, though the follow-up study was conducted by the same researchers, we cannot conclude that the second study represents the citizens' reading habits. The argument offers no information about the interval between the two studies, maybe years had passed before the second study was conducted, and during that period, citizens' reading habits might change as well. Without more information about the two studies, the author cannot convince me that the results of the two studies are comparable.

In sum, the argument is unconvincing for its incomplete comparison between the results of the two studies and vague details of them. To better support the argument, it is necessary for the researchers to investigate a wide range of libraries or bookstores and thus describe the reading habits of Leeville citizens precisely. Plus, more detailed information about the way that researchers conduct the studies is in need.

396857815UID：2758634

TOPIC: ARGUMENT161 - In a study of reading habits of Leeville citizens conducted by the University of Leeville, most respondents said they preferred literary classics as reading material. However, a follow-up study conducted by the same researchers found that the type of book most frequently checked out of each of the public libraries in Leeville was the mystery novel. Therefore, it can be concluded that the respondents in the first study had misrepresented their reading habits.
WORDS: 345-368          TIME: 00:30:00          DATE: 2010/7/18 22:47:39

In this argument, the author concludes that the first study of reading habits of Leeville citizens misrepresented their reading habits on the basis of（换成based on更简洁一些） the comparison between the results of two studies on the same topic. The conclusion may seem reasonable somehow, however, it is weakened by incomplete comparison and unwarranted assumptions（粉色是好词好句）.

The threshold problem with this argument is that the author assumes that the most frequently checked out books in the public libraries are readers' favorites, which（这里还是不用内个什么非线性从句比较好吧，直接说it might not be the case会更加有节奏一些） might not be the case. Common sense tells me that if one put high value on a book, he/she would rather buy it instead of borrowing it from library. It is entirely possible that people would like to buy literary classics instead of borrowing them from libraries. With the unjustified assumption, the conclusion is problematic.

Even assuming that most frequently-checked-out books reflect citizens' preference, data merely collected from public libraries is insufficient. Perhaps there are mainly mystery novels in public libraries, so naturally the most-frequently-checked-out books would be mystery novels.（这句稍显Chinglish，尤其是mainly和naturally这两个词的使用，不够地道） Yet this result is of little to do with the citizens’ reading habits. Or perhaps most Leeville citizens go to private libraries while only a small proportion go to public ones, for that matter, the data in the study cannot represent the preference of the majority citizens. Thus the conclusion based on the one-side data is unsound. 后面这两句越读越心水哈~赞一个！还有就是data我见用的不很多，建议换成statistics

Moreover, though the follow-up study was conducted by the same researchers, we cannot conclude that the second study represents the citizens' reading habits. The argument offers no information about the interval between the two studies, maybe years had passed before the second study was conducted, and during that period, citizens' reading habits might change as well. Without more information about the two studies, the author cannot convince me that the results of the two studies are comparable.
这段很流畅，能感觉出来语言功底很棒，赞一个！

In sum, the argument is unconvincing for its incomplete comparison between the results of the two studies and vague details of them. To better support the argument, it is necessary for the researchers to investigate a wide range of libraries or bookstores and thus describe the reading habits of Leeville citizens precisely. Plus, more detailed information about the way that researchers conduct the studies is in need.
语言方面都很不错，但总觉得论证力度不够，纵观全文看来还是主要字数不够多，所以内容部那么充实，总体来说语言很棒，很流畅，基本的点也都抓住了，在加大论证力度就能算是篇很棒的文了，加油！！