1010G零散版友作文互改帖（Argument）

tiantianjiaoUID：2888900

发个自己的 求猛拍
TOPIC: ARGUMENT1 - The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature's Way, a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.

"Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville, which has many such residents. Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a new generation of customers: Plainsville's schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program, which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age."
WORDS: 445          TIME: 00:30:00          DATE: 2010-8-25 下午 05:35:01

This article attempts to indicate that it is profitable for Nature's Way(NW) to build their next new store in Plainsville in that the author considers that the residents in P are highly concerned with leading healthy lives and they have seemly great interests in the sports. While this may be true in some cases, but there are some other possibilities which can lead to the another conclusion.
First, the author's conclusion that they will make profits in P is based on the gratuitous assumption that residents who are enthusiastic about exercising will necessarily be interest in buying health food and other health-related products. The author fails to consider and rule out other facts in which the people in P will have no interest in the health food and other health-related products due to their enthusiasm to the exercise. It is possible that the residents just take some exercise simple enough to avoid purchasing the health food and other products.
Secondly, a problem in this argument is that it simply concludes that people who are concerning about healthy lives will automatically buy their products. Even if many people in P are interested in health food and other health-related products, the author ignores other factors that may have affects on the business of NW, such as the presence of competitors, the population of this area, and the eating habbits of local residents.
Thirdly, another problem in this article is that the author simply equates the sales of running shoes and exercise clothing to the residents' interests of sports, While comprehensive analysis is necessary to identify the actual causes of being profitable in P for NW. People who show great interests in the sports may have bought their own equipments before and there is another posssibility that amateurs may buy the essential shoes and clothing in other towns as the prices there are much lower.
The last but not the least important problem is that the argument's conclusion that NW will make profits is unwarranted in that profit is a factor of not only revenue but also costs. Perhaps this town is in a rural place that it will take so much money for inputing the products that the prices of these products can not be low enough to cater the requirments of residents. And another problem with the argument is that the author's conclusion that the residents' enthusiasm about health lives will remain unchanged in the future rests on unfounded assumption that all conditions upon which people's interests depend have remained unchanged.
In sum, it is insufficient to conclude a conclusion that the NW will make great profits in P with the evidence provided by the author.

oldfishdkUID：2692510

Previousexperience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas whereresidents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should thereforebuild our next new store in Plainsville, which has many such residents.Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothingare at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five yearsago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weighttraining and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a newgeneration of customers: Plainsville's schoolchildren arerequired to participate in a 'fitness for life' program, which emphasizes thebenefits of regular exercise at an early age.


文章的论点在于“we should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville”
此论点基于两个推论
推论1：“previous experience has shown that ourstores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned withleading healthy lives”,
推论2：“Plainsville has many residents who arehighly concerned with leading healthy lives”
推论2则又是基于以下3个给出的证据和1个论点
证据1：“sales of running shoes and exerciseclothing are at all-time highs”
证据2：“local health club has more members thanever”
证据3：“weight training and aerobics classes arealways full”
论点1：Plainsville'sschoolchildren are required to participate in a program emphasizing thebenefits of regular exercise


可以攻击的点：
1.
Previous experience may have lost effect sincethe popularity has changed and some other reasons
2.
The evidence that sales of running shoes andexercise clothing are all-time highs does not assure the residents inPlainsville are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. The high sales maydue to the large population.
3.
The fact that the number of members hasreached peak does not indicate residents are highly concerned with healthylives. It only have persuaded me that the number is now more than ever before,but it fails to convince me that the number is quite massive/large/…
4.
So is the same with the weight training andaerobics classes. It might be due to the fact that there are too few classesbut not to the fact that most people want to attend them
5.
Plus, these goods, services and classes mightbe a result of travelers since Plainsville is resort.
6.
Not necessarily will these children develop afavor of healthy lives.


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Thisarticle attempts to indicate that it is profitable for Nature's Way(NW) tobuild their next new store in Plainsville in that the author considers that theresidents in P are highly concerned with leading healthy lives and they haveseemly great interests in the sports. While this may be true in some cases, butthere are some other possibilities which can lead to the another [another 没有the] conclusion.
这篇文章的结论是基于两个推论,第一个是”residents in Plainsville are highly concerned with healthy lives”,第二个是”previous experience showed areas with these residents are mostprofitable”,但你此处在引述文章逻辑思路的时候漏了第二点,个人觉得不是很好,加上去或许会更好一点

First, the author's conclusion that they will makeprofits in P is based on the gratuitous assumption that residents who areenthusiastic about exercising will necessarily be interest in buying healthfood and other health-related products. The author fails to consider and ruleout other facts in which the people in P will have no interest in the healthfood and other health-related products due to their enthusiasm to the exercise.It is possible that the residents just take some exercise simple enough toavoid purchasing the health food and other products.
你没有在之前提到并证明running shoes和exercise clothing销量长期high与residents are enthusiastic about exercise的关系,就直接认为residents are enthusiastic about exercise略显突兀.第二句说实话我没有看太明白你想要表达什么,只看懂了字面意思.

Secondly, a problem in this argument is that itsimply concludes that people who are concerning about healthy lives willautomatically buy their products. Even if many people in P are interested inhealth food and other health-related products, the author ignores other factorsthat may have affects on the business of NW, such as the presence ofcompetitors, the population of this area, and the eating habbits [habits] of local residents.
同样的,你犯了和上一段类似的错误.你并没有提及或证明, the number of local healthyclubs has reached peak & the classes of aerobics and weighting training 就表明了residents are concerned about healthy lives. 并且,我认为你最后一个着力点很乏力.

Thirdly, another problem in this article is thatthe author simply equates the sales of running shoes and exercise clothing tothe residents' interests of sports, While comprehensive analysis is necessaryto identify the actual causes of being profitable in P for NW. People who showgreat interests in the sports may have bought their own equipments before andthere is another possibility that amateurs may buy the essential shoes andclothing in other towns as the prices there are much lower.
觉得第一句话挺好的,但后面两句,我个人感觉你完全写飘掉了..

The last but not the least important problem isthat the argument's conclusion that NW will make profits is unwarranted in thatprofit is a factor of not only revenue but also costs. Perhaps this town is ina rural place that it will take so much money for inputing [inputting] theproducts that the prices of these products can not be low enough to cater therequirments [requirements] of residents. And another problem with the argumentis that the author's conclusion that the residents' enthusiasm about healthlives will remain unchanged in the future rests on unfounded assumption thatall conditions upon which people's interests depend have remained unchanged.


In sum, it is insufficient to conclude aconclusion that the NW will make great profits in P with the evidence providedby the author.
提了一些思路上的意见,欢迎讨论
我觉得你最大的问题在于:展开不充分.
无论是哪一段都有这个毛病,每次都是浅尝辄止.