请各位写作高手帮忙改下TOEFL作文,谢谢啦,多多指教

benben118UID: 2849530

Topic: some people think that scientists make the most important contributions to society ,other people think that the contributions of artists are the most important, which position do you agree with ?give specific reasons and examples to suppot your answer.
MY ANSWER:
Scientists are those who study phenomenon based on the natural or social disciplines then take advantages of these disciplines to invent some useful technologies to make the life easier and more efficiently .while artists are another kind of type people who obtain inspirations from the life and use various forms of arts such as music ,painting or video etc.to express their unique feelings about the life which are appreciated by ordinary people who have common emotional feelings .both two types of people make great contributions to facilitating our society ,however in terms of significant changes they have brought to ,I am on the side with scientists ,my supportive evidences offered below.

There are three remarkable inventions that motivate our process of moving forward magically which are all created by scientists .they are the car, the telephone and the computer. Cars created in 19century short the distance between two destinations ,which provide with a new kind of convenient and efficient transport and initiate a new era of modern living style.no car to American is like a fish without fin. Talking about the telephone ,it is a most valuable medium for people communicating with .it is featured in timely information exchange in comparison to the mail which costs several days to get information across one another .Then when refer to the computer ,the benefits offered are obviously .it is the computer that promote the life's quality ,for example ,it make people guarantee more rights in politics .political news published through the internet which are available for home and aboard making political decisions and event become more transparent.

Although contribution made by artists can also not be ignored who help people to profoundly understand their inner world .some more practical contribution made by scientists outweigh those created by artists .to sum up ,I personally agree that scientists are more prominent in smoothing and pushing forward our society.
大家也帮我评评分啦,谢谢啦~