Argument6 修改幕夜凉

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Argument 6



The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."






In this loan application the author claim that a jazz music club in Monroe will be profitable by the reason of a distant range from the nearest jazz club and an abundant amount of statistics （不应在此说它的数据是充足的，因为你后面说了它数据不充足）showing that jazz is popular in Monroe. He also cites other evidence that jazz fan will spends lots of money on jazz entertainment. However, close scrutiny of this evidence and of the editorial's lines of reasoning reveals that they provide little credible support for the editorial's conclusion.


  To begin with, the application（author） claims that a distant range from the nearest jazz club about 65miles away will hand over the local market all to their proposed club, the C Note. However, the author provide（author provides） no evidence to support this claim. It is just as possible that the club 65miles away is so well-known, for some influential singers perform there, that people perfer （prefer）to drive 65 miles to there. Besides, this argument assumes that the C Note will take all the local market. Experience informs, however, that this is not the case, especially under the condition that the nearest jazz club is well arranged.（不一定占有市场）


  The argument also unfairly cites that jazz is extremely popular in Monday（Monroe）. At the first glance, the facts that over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer,（应该去掉逗号，否则facts 将和musician并列） and several well-known jazz musicians live in Monday（Monroe） seems to be convincing, but further reflection reveals（reveals不适合） that these evidences is unconvincing and senseless. First of all, since people who enjoyed to the festival could be from diverse place in the country, the local number of these 100,000 people might be thin. Secondly, the jazz musicians who lives（live） in Monroe perhaps wok in other cities. （这个攻击点无效，live就代表居住，居住地大部分是工作地，没有房产证也可以居住）The house in Monroe is just a place to sleep or an invest of estate for them. Plus people may tend to listen to music rather than news during their driving time. is 'Jazz Nightly,' （就数目足够的人群来讲，开车的时候喜欢听新闻和喜欢听音乐的概率是一样的，所以你加了may，但是加了may使得这个攻击点很弱）The highest-rated radio program in Monroe, which airs every weeknight, may be the only choice drivers can make. In a word, whether jazz music is popular in Monroe or not is unknown for us from this applicant.


  Even if jazz is really prevalent in Monroe, non-profitable possibility may occur in the new club. Accroding to the nation-wide data given by the author, a jazz fan will spend $1,000 in jazz entertainment .People in Monroe may expend less comparing to fans in other cities for their economic reasons. And it is conceivable for fans to spend most of their money on albums and instruments instead of staying in a jazz club. Moreover, if the management and atmosphere are in a mess, customers will not pay a visit as well.

  In sum, the loan applicant is unpersuasive as it stands. To bolster the applicant the author must provide clear evidence that the accurate statistics shows that people in Monroe attend jazz festival .To better assess the argument I would need to know the amount of stars who play in Monroe is larger than other cities.(与上文矛盾，你说过明星的个数与盈利无关) I would also need the degree of favor about the radio program. （值得注意的是，节目的时间在晚上，节目的火爆可能使得club效益下降，因为都喜欢听广播）Finally, I would need to consider the local expenses people spend every year in jazz club and management of the new club.
大逻辑上没有错误：不会流行，即使流行也不能盈利。细化的小逻辑还是有错误，全是我的意见，不是权威，很高兴欣赏你的作业