习作ISSUE28【StruggleToTriumph】by E_落日 1208 我的第一篇习作

MichaelZhangYBUID: 2970702

The author claims that students shouldmemorize facts only after they have studied the ideas, trends, and conceptsthat help explain those facts. The reason drawing this conclusion is thatstudents who have learned only facts have learned very little. I agree thepoint that students who have learned only facts have learned very little. Butwe can’t come to the conclusion as described above.


It is true that students who havelearned only facts have learned very little. For example, the many peoplesuffer from the financial crisis in 2008. They all leans the so called”facts”that they could get good wealth from investigation from the banks, but didn’tlearned that it comes along with risk.


But, should we memorize all the factsonly after we have studied the ideas, trends, and concepts that help explainthose facts? Absolutely not.


Firstly, in nowadays, we are in theinformation world. Every field is getting more expertise. Science is moremathematical and hard to understand. Electronic chips are getting smaller andfaster. We cannot understand every field very much. For example, how could abusinessman understand how a rocket put into air space when he saw the news?
Secondly, the ideas, trends, andconcepts that help explain those facts are hard to define. We know force is thereason of movement in Newton theory, but in Einstein’s relative theory system,it has definition, which is true in more universal system. So it is impossiblefor us to learn that deeply.


And even though above is true. In ourfast pace society, time is also a restriction. It is hard for an office lady tosit down to read a book in most case.


I agreed that students who have learnedonly facts have learned very little. But we don’t have to be an expert on everyfield. If I am an electronic major student, I don’t have to know how ricebecomes rice. We should have different view to the facts. We should have ideaof what facts just need to know the conclusion and use it, what I need to knowwhy it is. Everything goes to extreme is not good.

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批改标注:
1。红色，表示“问题词语或结构”
2．蓝色，是“总结”
3。洋红色，是“建议”
4。绿色，表示“很精彩的文字”

The author claims that students should memorize facts only after they have studied the ideas, trends, and concepts that help explain those facts. The reason drawing this conclusion is that students who have learned only facts have learned very little. 【对作者观点叙述表达到位】I agree the point that students who have learned only facts have learned very little.【上下句稍微有一点重复, 试试这句I wholeheartedly agree the point that learning the facts only contributes little to the students】
But we can’t come to the conclusion as described above.
【本段总结】
1.开头段观点表达清晰，逻辑严谨。
2.注意句子结构的变换，尽量避免上下句子的重复。

It is true that students who have learned only facts have learned very little. For example, the【去掉】many people suffer from the financial crisis in 2008. They all leans【learned】 the so called ”facts” that they could get good wealth from investigation from the banks, but didn’t learned that it comes along with risk.
【本段总结】
开头为中心句，然后通过金融危机的例子进行论证，较新颖。结构清晰。
But, should we memorize all the facts only after we have studied the ideas, trends, and concepts that help explain those facts? Absolutely not.
【本段总结】
以问句的形式过渡，值得学习。
Firstly, in nowadays, we are in the information world. Every field is getting more expertise. Science is more mathematical and hard【harder?】
to understand. Electronic chips are getting smaller and faster. We cannot understand every field very much. For example, how could a businessman understand how a rocket put into air space when he saw the news?
【本段总结】
1.论证的方式比较丰富，通过类比，举例的方式。
2.中心句是对事实的陈述，如果建立起与观点的联系就更好了。

Secondly, the ideas, trends, and concepts that help explain those facts are hard to define. 【观点表达清楚】We know force is the reason of movement in Newton theory, but in Einstein’s relative theory system, it has definition,【抱歉，这点我实在是没理解】 which is true in more universal system. So it is impossible for us to learn that deeply.

And even though above【above是介词，不能单独使用】 is true【这句结构表达不完整。even though 引导让步状语从句，该表达缺少主句】. In our fast pace society, time is also a restriction. It is hard for an office lady to sit down to read a book in most case.
I agreed that students who have learned only facts have learned very little. 【这句话已经出现四次了】But we don’t have to be an expert on every field. If I am an electronic major student, I don’t have to know how rice becomes rice. 【例子很好】We should have different view to the facts. We should have idea of what facts just need to know the conclusion and use it, what I need to know why it is. 【有点混乱】
Everything goes to extreme is not good. 【两个谓语，在开头加That，变为主语从句】

【文章总结】
1.
文章运用了大量的例子进行论证，说服力较强，很值得学习。
2.
逻辑清楚，对观点的表达比较明确。
3.
希望对相同意思的句子进行结构变化，并且建议使用一些长句，和短句交替排放，使文章更加错落有序。
总体来说真的很不错，继续努力，再创新高~~
By_乐

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