【甚解小组】范文开头段分析 FROM 99

周九UID: 2769406

Benchmark 5

The argument presented is limited but useful. It indicates a possible relationship between a high percentage of accidents and a lack of protective equipment. The statistics cited compel a further investigation of the usefulness of protective gear in preventing or mitigating roller-skating related injuries. However, the conclusion that protective gear and reflective equipment would "greatly reduce...risk of being severely injured" is premature. Data is lacking with reference to the total population of skaters and the relative levels of experience, skill and physical coordination of that population. It is entirely possible that further research would indicate that most serious injury is averted by the skater's ability to react quickly and skillfully in emergency situations.


Reader Comment on 5


This strong response gets right to the work of critiquing the argument, observing that it "indicates a possible relationship" but that its conclusion "is premature." It raises three central questions that, if answered, might undermine the soundness of the argument:


算是对逻辑链进行了整体评估，还是没有summarizing

周九UID: 2769406

Benchmark 4


Although the argument stated above discusses the importance of safety equipment as significant part of avoiding injury, the statistics quoted are vague and inconclusive. Simply because 75 percent of the people involved in roller-skating accidents are not wearing the stated equipment does not automatically implicate the lack of equipment as the cause of injury. The term "accidents" may imply a great variety of injuries. The types of injuries one could incur by not wearing the types of equipment stated above are minor head injuries; skin abrasions or possibly bone fracture of a select few areas such as knees, elbows, hands, etc. (which are in fact most vulnerable to this sport); and/or injuries due to practising the sport during low light times of the day. During any physically demanding activity or sport people are subjected to a wide variety of injuries which cannot be avoided with protective clothing or light-reflective materials. These injuries include inner trauma (e.g., heart-attack); exhaustion; strained muscles, ligaments, or tendons; etc. Perhaps the numbers and percentages of people injured during roller-skating, even without protective equipment, would decrease greatly if people participating in the sport had proper training, good physical health, warm-up properly before beginning (stretching), as well as take other measures to prevent possible injury, such as common-sense, by refraining from performing the activity after proper lighting has ceased and knowing your personal limitations as an individual and athlete. The statistics used in the above reasoning are lacking in proper direction considering their assertions and therefore must be further examined and modified so that proper conclusions can be reached.

Reader Comment on 4


This adequate response targets the argument's vague and inconclusive "statistics." The essay identifies and critiques the illogical reasoning that results from the misguided use of the argument's statistics:
额，这个第一句算开头吧，但也是直接说问题，没有summarizing呢

周九UID: 2769406

SAMPLE-1 (score 6)

While the University of Claria appears to have an excellent reputation based on the accomplishments and reputations of its faculty, one would also wish to consider other issues before deciding upon this particular institution for undergraduate or graduate training. The Physics and English departments are internationally known, but these are only two of the areas in which one might study. Other departments are not listed; is this because no others are worth mentioning, or because no other departments bothered to turn in their accomplishments and kudos to the publicity office?

COMMENTARY
The writer of this outstanding response acknowledges that the University of Claria may "appear" to have a sterling reputation, but cogently argues that such a reputation is perhaps unwarranted in light of the thin and misleading information provided. The essay's insightful critique targets several instances of unsound reasoning in the argument:



同样在开头段，就对全文critique，并且比较相信的提供了证据。。。

周九UID: 2769406

SAMPLE-2 (score 5)



While it is true that the facts presented in the above passage contribute to the idea that the University of Claria is a fine university, it can hardly be concluded from the propaganda that the University of Claria is the best university for every applicant. For example, it appears, based on the passage, that the University of Claria is largely a research-oriented university. No where in the passage, however, is the quality of the education discussed. The faculty/student ratio is not discussed. It is largely possible that while many of the faculty are teaching at universities in other countries, the students at U. Claria are left being taught by graduate students or non-doctoral instructors.
  
COMMENTARY

After dismissing the argument's unsupported conclusion about the University of Claria, this strong essay thoughtfully critiques the argument's presumptive line of reasoning. The response targets a root flaw in the argument's logic: that the data provided fail to constitute meaningful evidence of educational quality. The writer notes the lack of essential statistics -- e.g., the faculty/student ratio -- and argues quite effectively that invitations for faculty to teach in other countries may not be a reliable index of educational merit.



这个貌似没有开头段，不知道这是不是commentary说的没有6分的uniform的原因，作者用第一句话开头了吗。
由此想，开头段的的存在还是必要的。

周九UID: 2769406

SAMPLE-3 (score 4)

The argument states that anyone who is looking for a quality education should choose The Universtiy of Claria based on the instructors they have to offer. The argument assumes that students can learn better from faculty members who are internationally renowned and who have been invited to universities in other countries to teach. The proof of their argument rests on the fact that two recent graduates have been candidates for the Nobel Prize in Physics, and that 75 percent of their graduates find employment upon graduation.

COMMENTARY

While the first paragraph of this adequate response merely summarizes the argument, the remainder of the essay identifies and analyzes several significant flaws in the argument. The second paragraph intelligently questions whether the "renowned" faculty members actually teach; if so, the essay notes, the claim that Claria offers "a quality education" would still only be true for some departments. This is a relevant critique, but thinly developed and described with less clarity than is expected of a 5 essay.


从rater用merely来形容summarizing，也许可以看出ets眼中，开头段绝不应该是merely summarizing，甚至没有summarizing都ok，但要有对整体的逻辑链的审视，或者文章通篇的评估。

周九UID: 2769406

Argument test 6: Silver Screen Movies

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument.


The following is taken from a memo from the advertising director of the Silver Screen Movie Production Company.
"According to a recent report from our marketing department, fewer people attended movies produced by Silver Screen during the past year than in any other year. And yet the percentage of generally favorable comments by movie reviewers about specific Silver Screen movies actually increased during this period. Clearly, the contents of these reviews are not reaching enough of our prospective viewers; so the problem lies not with the quality of our movies but with the public's lack of awareness that movies of good quality are available. Silver Screen should therefore spend more of its budget next year on reaching the public through advertising and less on producing new movies."

周九UID: 2769406

SAMPLE-1 (score 6)


The argument presented above is relatively sound, however, the author fails to recognize all the elements necessary to evaluate his situation. The idea that more money be invested in advertising may be a helpful one, but perhaps not because people are unaware of the current reviews. To clarify, it may be necessary to advertise more in order to increase sales, however that could be due to many circumstances such as a decrease in the public's overall attendance, an increase in the cost of movies, or a lack of trust in the opinions of the reviewers.

COMMENTARY


Although the essay begins by stating that the argument "is relatively sound," it immediately goes on to develop a critique. The essay identifies three major flaws in the argument and provides a careful and thorough analysis. The main points discussed are that


首段就指出了major flaw，另外，说了seems logical和relatively sound之后，马上要接着说其实还有不sound的地方

周九UID: 2769406

SAMPLE-2 (score 5)

The advertising director of Silver Screen should lose his job. It is clear that his analysis of the decrease in attendance in the past year was incomplete. A better qualified individual might have explored the issue further by doing several different things. First of all, surveys of the general population could provide a clue to the decreased viewership. They may find that people aren't as willing to pay the high prices anymore. A survey may also reveal that people are aware of Silver Screen, but opt not to see the films. An inspection of the nature of the films made by Silver Screen could also hint to the root of the problem. If Silver Screen produces a lot of the same type of movie, then the problem may be that they don't produce enough to appeal to the diverse interests of the population. For instance, if their movies typically contain excessive violence and foul language, parents won't take their children to these films. That is a significant portion of the potential viewing population lost.

COMMENTARY

This strong essay begins with an attack on the advertising director of Silver Screen but quickly shifts to identifying major flaws in the argument. The main points of the critique are that

开头段，木有summarizing，同上，指出major flaws

周九UID: 2769406

SAMPLE-3 (score 4)

Although the reasoning in this arguement is logical, the writer failed to consider other reasons for the disparity between the percentage of people attending the company's movie and the percentage of favorable reviews. Perhaps the fault lies with the reviewers and not the production company; the public may not trust the critics' reviews. Another posibility for the attendance drop is that the general public does not find the subject matter of the movies enticing. If that were the case, spending less on producing new movies in an effort to re-direct funds to advertising could backfire by further limiting the types of movies available to the potential audience. Maybe the general public is simply not impressed with the critically-acclaimed qualities of the movies (such as eloquent screenplays, artful cinematography, and realistic acting) and and would prefer seeing flashy special effects and big-name stars. The possible reasons for the attendance decline are numerous; even aspects not directly related to the movie industry (such as the improving quality of television programming and the increasing popularity of home computer use) may play large roles. The company's management would be wise to consider and study the entire realm of possibilities before making drastic changes in its budget based on one statistical discovery.

COMMENTARY

This essay identifies and analyzes some important flaws in the argument. Although the number of points mentioned is the same as that in the sample 5 essay, this response remains at the 4 score level because the features of the argument that are identified are not developed or supported.


没有开头段，Although the reasoning in this arguement is logical, the writer failed to consider other reasons for the disparity between the percentage of people attending the company's movie and the percentage of favorable reviews. 这句话算是开头吧，对题目的回顾也只限于logical提了下

周九UID: 2769406

In sum, 我觉得开头段的存在是有必要的，但其中summarizing很难起到加分作用吧，而且如果summarizing多了，估计还有被认为没有实际意义的嫌疑；相反，开头段中，如果对全文进行总体分析，倒是很有帮助。再想，那些开头结尾的模板，往往都是用作summarizing中，而且句子很长，没有实际意义，考场上还浪费打字时间，短小的开头就足够啦。

周九UID: 2769406

the end~~~~~


最后，我要感慨下，寄托的文字编辑。。。。真的让我很难捉摸

apple916UID: 2827574

好贴，个人也觉得开头很重要。