凉凉的作文贴。

niehanmjUID：3005699

改好了 ~  写的不错。

凉言UID：2996787

3.30 今天只超时了一点，但还是来不及，请教！！谢谢修改的同学！

Go2011GoUID：3006241

CoryanUID：2993557

3月30日独立写作修改~

凉言UID：2996787

3.31 独立这篇写得很差，感觉例子举不出来啊混蛋！
求指导

892524570UID：2975104

给了一些小建议，凉凉加油~

adj-remyUID：2974851

改晚了，不好意思

凉言UID：2996787

4.1 独立~~每次回去改作文的时候都有种“咦？这作文是我写的？”感觉。。。。
于是限时打的时候好像脱离了意识- -
还是来不及啊！！！

凉言UID：2996787

22# adj-remy 额。。。你31号作文咧？

niehanmjUID：3005699

写的很好  嘿嘿 。
总是很乐意批改你的作文

凉言UID：2996787

不好意思，写晚了。。

mpromanusUID：2565872

20# 凉言

Is it easier to be a success in the past than it is today?

As a number of celebrities in the past are remembered by the contemporary public such as Albert Einstein and Thomas Edison, (This, unfortunately, means Einstein and Edison are 'the contemporary public'. Whatever details must either follow immediately after their primary subjects, or have clear indications of where their primary subjects are. In this case, Einstein and Edison are 'celebrities in the past', so they should follow 'celebrities in the past' - 'As a number of celebrities in the past, such as xxx and xxx, are remembered...'.) some people claim that it is easier to be successful in the past than it is today, which is, in my view, totally unreasonable and ridiculous.

To start with, with the advancement of technology and science as well as the expandsion of people’s needs, new varieties of industries are springing up like mushrooms, say, pet cosmetology (Again, if you put this here, it means 'pet cosmetology' is a kind of mushroom. It is a 'new variey of industry', so it should be placed after 'new varieties of industries'. Simply put, when a reader processes this sentence, the nearest noun 'mushrooms' will be taken as the 'context' of the phrase 'pet cosmetology' first, and only when that doesn't make any sense, your reader will realize that the 'context' of 'pet cosmetology' is elsewhere. This is, of course, more work for the reader. This is not absolutely wrong or not allowed, and I understand that you've probably had a lot of such scenarios in reading exercises. But those are testing your ability to read and comprehend. Do you want to test your essay examiner? Let's make his job easier.) and thus offers extended supply of job vacancies to more people. And it means people may have increasing chances to succeed. Plus, because the areas that scientists and experts explore and study are broadening at an astonishing speed, it leads to an increase of relevant subjects. Take finance for instance: there are financial theories, mathematical finance , financial investment and finance which provide a bunch of job opportunities to unemployed people (Right, but easier to find jobs doesn't necessarily always mean easier to succeed. You'd need to tie this back to 'success' instead of stopping short at 'job opportunities' as this is the conclusion for this paragraph. And yes, this means you need to put 'And it means people may have increasing changes to succeed' here again, in different words.).

Besides, the value of success has changed as time passes, that is, people nowadays view success differently from people in the past. Unlike ancient people considering success merely as highly-achievements or high-positions (This is a strange tendency to use invented composite words while there are simple alternatives available, like 'triumphs or ranks'..), modern people are in the belief that success has discrepant meanings to people from all walks of life. Entering the Harvard University may be a success, but so does quitting studies and starting a business, and even living all by oneself happily can be regarded as a success. (So? The point you've illustrated so far is 'success now has many definitions', but how does this translate to whether it is easier to be successful in the past than today? Again, you need to tie back to the question. Do not stop short at something relevant but not there yet.)


What's more, for those who regard high prestige as a success, it is the mass media that makes them (Who? Or what?) more readily to be known to the whole world (I'm not sure about what you're trying to express. Do you mean 'People now are able to become famous more readily because of international mass media'?). In the past, when one achieved a huge success, the only way to get others known (If you 'get' somebody 'known', you're making that person famous, not yourself..If you want yourself to be famous you'd get others 'to know'.) may be through individuals to individuals (You mean, 'word-of-mouth'..). On the contrary, in the current society, mass media such as newspapers, radio and the internet, with its immediate availability and huge acceptance among people, may serve as a catalyst to make the great breakthrough soon is acknowledged by people all around the world. And, thus, it is more easily (Well the question has written right there 'It is easier to ...'. Please do not loose your control on basic grammar just because you're at the end of the essay and are exhausted.) to gain reputation than before. (And again, this stops short of the actual question. Yes, you've explained that high prestige = success, so, it is easier to gain reputation == it is easier to succeed. But if you don't explicitly say this last 'so', your reader needs to go back to the beginning of the paragraph and work out this equation himself. It's again, more word for your reader. This could be a very simple sentence like 'Therefore, when success is equalled to prestige and fame, this ease in gaining reputation means ease in gaining success.'  My principle has always been that an essay should be easy to read - that doesn't mean it must be simplistic - and difficult to refute.)



To conclude, it is more easily for people to acquire success today than it is in the past, thanks to not only the increase of job vacancies and the development of mass media, but also the change of values.


总结：


你的词汇语法说理什么的其实都很不错啊。。就是写到最后可能头一发昏就出了点奇怪的错误。。语法方面请注意一下make <noun> <adjective clause>这类的句子，我本身不是很喜欢make xxx xxx的句式，很累赘，通常都可以用动词直接代替。。还有就是每段分论点最后请联系回题目，简单的一句就好，但是能让你的逻辑很完整。


> 另外请教一下如何拓展思路准备例子，还有时间来不及怎么办？


就这篇文章来看我还真没看出你哪里非常举不出例子。。如果要挑刺的话也只能说这篇没有什么具体人物比较像G作文的说理。。如果你必须要写具体人物事件的例子，要根据论点来，像这个关于‘成功’的，你先要想想你知道的人物和事件里有什么可以扯上‘成功’的，然后选一个能体现出你的论点的就好了，比如，第二个论点，现在成功的标准不一样了，比以前多元化很多，这样的例子太多了，比如苏珊大妈，比如William Hung，比如感动中国的刘伟。。你准备不出具体例子的话，平时接触的东西是否多是一个原因，但以我的经验来看更多是因为你平时都没有去思考什么人物/事件可以拿来*阐释*关于‘xxx’的话题，只是单纯地在背素材。你可能知道爱迪生没上过大学，爱迪生经过多少千次的试验发明了电灯，但你是否认真想过这两件事情可以说明多少个和‘成功’有关的观点。。比如‘成功必须非常努力’，‘成功不一定要上大学’，‘成功的发明需要试验’。。同样，刚才给你的那几个例子，可以说是多元化成功标准的成果（选秀出名也可以认为是成功），也可以凑上你关于媒体力量的第三个论点（选秀也能迅速出名完全是因为现代媒体发达），完全看你侧重选秀这个事情的哪个方面来讲而已。

所谓的拓展思路，不是说你每次都需要找新鲜例子，而是你能从一个素材里拉出多少道理来 - 只要能说得圆满，都是没有问题的。

时间来不及基本只有掐时间练习了。以考场实际经验看，结尾没写完似乎是不要紧的。。

Yvaine198831UID：2956487

2011年4月2日
周六：
独立：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Movies and televisions should always show audience good people being rewarded and bad people being punished.
09-10-17

With the advancement of television and movies, different types of television programs and movies are springing up like mushrooms. Some people claim that movies and televisions should always show audience good people being rewarded and bad people being punished, which is, in my view, absolutely proper and paramount.

To begin with, one advantage of that is to encourage good people to behavior continuously well and restrain bad people from doing evil things. Movies and televisions, with great availability and prevalent acceptance among people, [url=]have played[/url][微软用户1] a vital role in individual's life. Movies and televisions are watched by almost everyone [url=]from all works[/url][微软用户2] of the society, which, of course, includes good people as well as bad persons. When good people watch TV finding that good behaviors are praised, they may feel proud of themselves and, thereby, consistently do good things. On the contrary, when bad people discover that criminals are abhorred, they may feel guilty and regret of their behaviors, which makes them correct their behaviors and do good things.

Another benefit is to educate children to foster a good sense of justice and the ability of judging from good behaviors to [url=]band[/url][微软用户3] ones, which thus make our next generation grow up healthily and happily. One of my younger brothers Jim, who is six years old this year, once saw the movie Battle: Los Angeles. And he found that although those alien invaders [url=]are[/url][微软用户4] extreme strong and difficulty to defeat, the American soldiers [url=]won[/url][微软用户5] the battle thanks to their persistence and intelligence. Then he told me that when he grown up he would be a policeman to protect our citizens and the world as well as punish those evils.

On the other hand, admittedly, even though the plots of movies and television are based on real lives, good people being rewarded and bad people being punished not always happen in our society, so it may disappoint the audience. Its advantages prevail over disadvantages, however, and we believe that showing audience those plots can make our society of increasing harmony and peace.

In sum, I strongly agree with the assertion that movies and televisions should always show audience good people being praised and bad people being penalized.


我第一次改作文，看了你给我改的作文，觉得说的很实在，非常感谢你的意见。觉得你的文章言简意赅，读起来比较轻松也比较明白。我的文章就是有点繁冗了。怪不得作文一直都不是很高的分数。只是有一点小错误，句子表达什么的都很好。恩，一起加油~

[微软用户1]个人觉得，用have been playing比较好



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[微软用户3]细心，bad



[微软用户4]和won不对应



[微软用户5]win

凉言UID：2996787

第一次写综合~~TPO1的，辛苦批改的同学啦~~~

aurora0624UID：3039878

4.5独立修改