一篇官方范文。。求大家说说好在哪里

kinny10UID: 3007656

是写那个两个村庄发现篮子那个


Grounding on the finding of aPalean basket in lithos,previously only found in Plean, then synthesizing thetwo factor that the river is too deep and broad to cross and the reality of nofinding of boats. The author concluded that the basket is not unique toPalean.It might seem logical at first glance, however, in order to evalute theargument fully, we need a considerable number of additional evidence that maynot compelling or didn't even appear in the argument.

the first evidence we need ,in order to evalute theargument, is the information about whether or not the surrounding environment haschanged in the past years and when it changed. The discovery of the basket isperformed today, it is probably that the river is shallow and narrow or evendidn't exist in the age the people of Litho and Palean lived in. For instance, itwould certainly undermine the author's conclusion if we found the evidence thatthe people lived in the age broaden or dig out the river in order to irrigatetheir farmland and daily need such as to drink, to wash the clothes. Withoutknowing the past state of the river ,it may hasty to say that the river is hardto cross in thus hard to obtain the conclusion.

Another evidence that may weaken the argument couldcome from whether boats exist in that age.
the author claim that no Palean boats have beenfound. but he doesn't provide evidence the impossibility of the existence ofboats. it is probably ,for example, the boats decayed and eventually pernisheddue to the high level of moisture along the river and thus no traces could beenfound today. Moreover, some other means, by which crossed the river, may be disregardedby the archaeologist, like slide to the opposite bank through a line. Any kindof such evidence may undermine the author's argument.

in order fully evaluate the argument, more proofmay be needed to find out the origin of the basket. The author states that thebasket is firstly found in Palean and then appear in Lithos, however ,it couldnot determine the basket belongs to either of them. Perhaps there was anothervillege, far from the both two village ,where the basket exactally come from. Maybe,the people of this village was skilled in the manufacture and market of basket.so the basket prevailled in a immense area at that time. then the finding of thebasket in both village could make no sense to the conclusion of author for thatthey are only commodities from another village.

Although, the argument ,as talking above, seemslogical, more evidences should be found ,such as the changes of the river, themeans of crossing the river and the existence of another village, origin of thebasket. All of such proof may strengthen or weaken the argument. At that case, theauthor's analysis and conclusion may be more cogent and convincing.

kinny10UID: 3007656

算了。。。其实是我写的。。。

okqishiUID: 3245371

算了。。。其实是我写的。。。
kinny10 发表于 2012-3-11 15:22

=_=   看出来了。。。
by the way， 最后一段很unique

410491102UID: 2915188

写的还不错~

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

是写那个两个村庄发现篮子那个


Grounding on the finding of aPalean basket in lithos,previously only found in Plean, then synthesizing thetwo factor that the river is too deep and broad to cross and ...
kinny10 发表于 2012-3-11 14:18

"一篇官方范文" ----吼吼，以后少耍这样的小聪明！我愿意改的原因是因为此文章起点不错（没有严重的中国新手常犯的毛病）。
其实“官方范文”这四个字并非品质保证（quality guarantee），而且这个说法或译法本身有问题，OG里的sample responses妥当的译法是“抽样例文”，按照不同分数段选出几篇来”现身示众“，并非”典‘范’“。


优点：
1.符合基本的论说文形式结构：首段论点--【中间诸段分论点+理据】--尾段重述
2.由于1，所以文章有条理，读者（我）看着不费劲，能基本明白你要说的内容。

需改进的地方：
1. 首段有模仿的痕迹，如“...illogical...at first glance”，首段首句冗长且意义不清晰。
2. 其他各段也有冗余意义不明的句子。

把以上两项指涉的句子改写，且在以后的写作练习中注意。

祝， Have more fun in writing& reading!

yours,

BEN

推荐电影：The Great Debaters （或译为“伟大辩手”）
观看要点：把影片中触动你的某场辩论台词笔录下来，研习它！

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

"一篇官方范文" ----吼吼，以后少耍这样的小聪明！我愿意改的原因是因为此文章起点不错（没有严重的中国新手常犯的毛病）。
其实“官方范文”这四个字并非品质保证（quality guarantee），而且这个说法或译法 ...
panmingming2008 发表于 2012-3-13 15:49

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P.S.首段首句冗长且意义不清晰【一开头就用长“难”句（易主谓失当，读不通）把人噎住】

找找看，你第一句的主语在哪里？