[习作点评] Issue 50，第一次正式写，求狂拍！！！拍必回！改必回！ [复制链接]

QL5001win
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2012-6-27 10:34:15 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

50.Government officials should rely on their own judgment rather than unquestioningly carry out the will of the people whom they serve.
433字，时间超过规定了……:L
With the explosive development of science and technology, our society and ideas have changed a lot and now very different with the ones in the old days. When it comes to the governing of the country, there is a host of thoughts. Should the government officials rely on their own judgment rather than unquestioningly carry out the will of the people whom they serve? Admittedly, government officials are the pioneers of the society and should have their own judgment. However, serving the people of their country is their final goal so that they should also carry out the will of the people.

To begin with, officials are to some extent our leaders in the country, they carry out the expectations of the people and have great responsibilities on the shoulders. When in some disastrous cases, such as epidemic diseases, floods, wars and so on, people tend to follow their leaders. In these cases, officials should be really self-confident and mostly rely on their own judgment to make decisions to palliate their people. For example, without the judicious judgment of our government officials, we can’t achieve such great accomplishments these years since the foundation of our country.

However, due to the limitations of a single person’s knowledge and cognition, it is impossible for anyone to make right judgments and decisions all the time. If the officials rigidly follow their own judgment, it can cause two entirely different results, the perfect officials can lead the country in a right way, while on the opposite, the future is really gloomy. What’s more, the goal of the government is to serve the people, it is necessary to consider the will of the people to some extent, but not unquestioningly.

Finally, different from the old days when everyone should listen to judgment and imperatives of the king, nowadays in the democratic society, good government officials should not only base on their own judgment but also consider the will of the people and take their suggestions, only in this way, can the nations be really called a democratic one and have a prosperous future.

In sum, although the government officials should be self-confident in their work, however, if only based on their own judgment to do everything, a lot of mistakes can be made. That is, good officials can lead their people to a prosperous life, while on the opposite, we can get obviated results. Considering this, the officials should also carry out the will of the people they serve. But it doesn’t mean they should unquestioningly carry out them, they should find a balance between these two measures.

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QL5001win
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沙发

发表于 2012-6-27 12:05:05 |只看该作者

为什么没人拍呢？求拍，谁拍我，我拍谁！

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creamyclam
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板凳

发表于 2012-6-28 00:16:06 |只看该作者

一点愚见。。

With the explosive development of science and technology, our society and ideas have changed a lot and (and后面少动词) now very different with the ones in the old days. 科学技术的飞速发展影响观念这个开头感觉没有太好的覆盖主题。When it comes to the governing of the country, there is a host of thoughts. Should the government officials rely on their own judgment rather than unquestioningly carry out the will of the people whom they serve? (复述了题目，很清晰，要是在单词和说法上能替换下就更好了)Admittedly, government officials are the pioneers (是要表述先驱吗？) of the society and should have their own judgment. However, serving the people of their country is their final goal so that they should also carry out the will of the people. 讲明了自己的观点：）

To begin with, officials are to some extent our leaders in the country, they carry out (fulfil) the expectations of the people and have great responsibilities on the shoulders. When in some disastrous cases, such as epidemic diseases, floods and wars and so on (such as 和so on 不好在一起连用), people tend to follow their leaders. In these cases, officials should be really self-confident and mostly rely on their own judgment to make decisions to palliate their people. For example, without the judicious judgment of our government officials, we can’t achieve such great accomplishments these years since the foundation of our country. (这段例子感觉和前面提到的灾难不契合，或者在例子前面加句同样领导层掌握更多的信息和专业知识，比如经济政治等，他们能做出更好的决策来使国家发展。灾难后面也可以加上对应的例子比如如何有效控制了非典。同时，可以讨论民众是否有足够的知识来做出正确的决定。)

However, due to the limitations of a single person’s knowledge and cognition, it is impossible for anyone to make right judgments and decisions all the time. (第一句没有反映出这段话的主旨，不如把后面那句提前作主旨句。由于政府的目标是服务人民，并且人民也是支撑政府运转的纳税人，政府有义务和民众就决策问题进行沟通) If the officials rigidly follow their own judgment, it can cause two entirely different results, the perfect officials can lead the country in a right way, while on the opposite, the future is really gloomy. What’s more, the goal of the government is to serve the people,(两居中间需要有连接词组成因果关系) it is necessary to consider the will of the people to some extent, but not unquestioningly. (这段讲考虑民众意见的重要性，但是只进行了论述而没有例子对其支撑，显得很空洞。)

Finally, different from the old days when everyone should listen to judgment and imperatives of the king, nowadays in the democratic society, good government officials should not only base on their own judgment but also consider the will of the people and take their suggestions, only in this way, can the nations be really called a democratic one and have a prosperous future. (应该接着上一段的观点在讲，最好饱满下例子支撑提到的“good government”和“prosperous future”。)

In sum, although the government officials should be self-confident in their work, however（however不能和although连用吧） , if only based on their own judgment to do everything, a lot of mistakes can be made. That is, good officials can lead their people to a prosperous life, while on the opposite, we can get obviated results. Considering this, the officials should also carry out the will of the people they serve. But it doesn’t mean they should unquestioningly carry out them, they should find a balance between these two measures.
文章结构还比较清晰，但是比较空洞，出现的evidence比较少。