雅思task2习作求拍）（1）

钱塘幼麟UID: 2994987

考前习作，当时考试大概发挥水平比这个低一点。
C4T2（表示剑桥雅思第四册第二套）

The line chart indicates typical days' demand of electricity in England during winter and summer, and the pie chart shows the proportion of each energy-using item take in the whole electricity consumption.

This line chart, to be specific, the fluctuation of typical daily demand of electricity in summer, changes slightly, varying between 17000 units and 20000 units. Moreover, change tendency of winter's electricity demand shares the similar pattern of that of summer, ranging from about 30000 units to 44000 units, but is more significant. Interestingly, the gap between two periods' typical daily demands, keeping stable, in around the umber of summer's at the exactly same time in a typical day.

The pie chart, reveals that heating rooms and water, the main electricity-consumption item, outweighs the sum of three remaining items, up to 52.5%. And the proportion of three other ones, are so similar that nearly share a same figure.

Overall, it is probably that electricity used for heating rooms and water, mostly contributes to the growth of energy demand in winter.

sofia2012UID: 3280177

大概比我写的好，思路很不同，风格也不同……
我觉得第一段days' 可以改成daily，and 改成while好点；
第二段开头不通呀，the line chart后面又没动词什么的，感觉很奇怪，
shares 觉得改成follows更好；不要用主观性的词interesting;最后一句没看懂，in around是什么?还有是number
第三段开头也不用逗号吧；饼状图描写的太简单了。
个人觉得最大问题：
1.为什么总喜欢在主语后面加逗号，加逗号是想用非限定性定语从句吗？那可以用个which呀，这个不能省的
2.为什么整篇文章没出现几个数据？还有，这篇文章里面的时间点呢？一个也没看到？varying from to ……大家怎么知道你在写哪个时段？
3.夏天和冬天最好分开写


有些说的不太好听，可能有说错的地方，别介意！希望对你有帮助。

钱塘幼麟UID: 2994987

sofia2012 发表于 2012-7-20 18:42
大概比我写的好，思路很不同，风格也不同……
我觉得第一段days' 可以改成daily，and 改成while好点；
第 ...

非常感谢！