【独立作文】mdngson 作业贴

mdangsonUID: 2442605

自己感觉写得有点罗嗦，很多地方表达不好。第一次贴作业，求大家狠拍！谢谢！。
11月9日，题目：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement：Compared with people who live in urban areas, the people who live in rural areas can take better care of their families.


         Whether people can take better care of his/her family depend on various factors. In my opinion, the most important factor determines whether people can take care of their family is their attitudes to their family members. In addition to living surroundings, a multitude of factors could influence a person’s attitude to his/her family members. Whether they are willing to sacrifice personal time and energies to their family might be determined rather by their consciousness of family responsibility, the relationships in the family members and so on, than by where they live, in urban areas or in rural areas.

          It is true that many people living in the urban areas are always very busy in their work and have little time to take care of their family members. But it does not mean that people live in the rural areas is spending a leisure life and hold more spare time to look after their families. As a matter of fact, nowadays most of people have to work hard to meet the pace of fasting running society. People have to face intense competition and great working stress in almost every job they take. It is a bias that choosing a job as a farmer and live in the countryside needn’t face the strong stress in daily work as the office clerks who live in urban areas. Although it should be acknowledged that rural areas might have larger living spaces, fresher air, and more beautiful landscapes which could make people have a more comfortable feelings in their daily life; but things wouldn’t always be so definite in all the cases.

         In my opinion, the most important factors that determine whether a person can take care his/her family member better or not are the personality of a person, his/her moral and values to the family and so on. A person who has strong sense of responsibility of his/her family, he/she would try the best to look after his/her family members. Even if a person is really very busy in his/her working, he/she would make use of the spare time as possible as he/she can to accompany his/her parents, remember children’s birthday and do anything he/she can after the busy work.

       On the other hand, if a person doesn’t have a very strong sense of responsibility of family, he/she may ignore the feelings of his/her family members. Even if a person who was not very busy in his work, he/she could also go for entertainment in any of his/her spare time, forget all the important days of his/her family members, and never use a little time to take care of his/her family members.
Of course, whether a person can take care of his family better or not to a great extent is a also determined by his/her growing background, his/her personalities, and the influence by his/her parents. If a person has been taking very well by his/her parents and living in a family whose members are always concerning each other. He/she may have more sense of family responsibility and be more willing to take care of his/her family members. In this kind of cases, people will definitely take their family members better. In contrast, if a person was growing in a family whose members were indifferent to each other, he/she may tend to unconcern to his/her family members.   

        In short, if people can take care of their families might not have a necessary relation to the area they live; it might depends on a lot of other factors more than the living conditions.

秋雨荆州UID: 2903781

帮楼主顶起，要加油呀！

mdangsonUID: 2442605

秋雨荆州 发表于 2012-11-10 20:27
帮楼主顶起，要加油呀！

我弄错日期，只能赶明天的互改了。只有几天了，谢谢楼上斑大顶贴啊~

mdangsonUID: 2442605

555555555555，求好心人帮我改改，我还有几天了。

秋雨荆州UID: 2903781

刚想给楼主一改的，无奈水平下降非常严重。。。我推荐ro老师给你:)
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1455555-1-2.html

mdangsonUID: 2442605

秋雨荆州 发表于 2012-11-10 22:31
刚想给楼主一改的，无奈水平下降非常严重。。。我推荐ro老师给你
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1455 ...

非常谢谢秋版！自己先改起来！

mdangsonUID: 2442605

1212 作业
Most problems can be solved by people themselves or their families, help from the government is unnecessary.

Whether the government should provide help to the people and families who are in difficulties? I think government certainly should assume the responsibility to help people solve the difficult problems they meet in their life. Actually in the progress of social modernizing, the form of social life has become more and more diverse and thus resulted in more and more tough problems emerging on every aspect in social life. People living in the modern society have found that more and more problems cannot be solved by just themselves or by their families. When dealing with these kinds of problems, the government’s help has become even more important in a modern society.

In the first place, when someone says that nowadays most problems could be solved by people themselves or their families, it might mean that modern people have more freedom to choose their life style and how to address the problems meeting in their daily life. But it by no means indicates that people can solve most of the problems just by themselves and their families. It is true that nowadays most people have no longer been living with their elders, the member forming a family has reduced, and thus the structure of a family has become simpler. In this sense, people don’t need to deal with the problems which might emerge in a large family, such as the relationship with their elders or their peers. However, observing the general form of the modern society we may find that the structure of the whole society has been more organized and complicated. Modern people are living more and more isolated to each other, this kind of living state might result in more and more psychological and physical diseases in daily life. And as I see it, since the basic cell of the society-the family-has become smaller, the relationships between these “cells” are becoming more delicate and sensitive. Thus, as long as any tiny problems occur on a certain person, it might affect a family, a group of people or even the whole society. For example, suicide has become a serious problem in modern life. If a person committed suicide because he/she couldn’t afford too much pressure, his/her family members including his relevant might face stronger stress more the person him/herself because of the condemns by other people. The person’s problem might spread into a group of people, or even the whole society, if the person was a superstar, so to speak. I believe most people still remember the death incident of the Marilyn Monroe.

On the second place, a person will always have tough problem he/she could not solve by him/herself. At that time, a timely rescuer from other people is so important. So in my opinion, the government should assume the role to organize and regulate such rescuer organization to provide more efficient help to the people who need help. Since it’s also a government’s responsibility to provide social security to all the people living in the society, especially on the problems of unemployment, the elder’s life insurance, and rescuer the vulnerable members.

neriUID: 3062736

LZ潜力股，加油！有问题欢迎讨论哈~

mdangsonUID: 2442605

neri 发表于 2012-11-13 16:35
LZ潜力股，加油！有问题欢迎讨论哈~

ls同学你的文件怎么不能下载啊？你能直接贴上来吗？麻烦啦！

mpromanusUID: 2565872

mdangson 发表于 2012-11-12 23:07
1212 作业
Most problems can be solved by people themselves or their families, help from the governm ...

Most problems can be solved by people themselves or their families, help from the government is unnecessary.

Whether the government should provide help to the people and families who are in difficulties?('whether' does not form a question. You need to say either 'should the government..?' or something along that line. A sentence with 'whether' needs to appear within another sentence.) I think the government certainly should assume the responsibility to help people solve the difficult problems they meet in their lives. Actually, in the progress of social modernization, the form of social life has become more and more diverse and thus resulted in more and more tough problems emerging on every aspect in social life.(The question does not specify 'social life'. Why would you want to specifically mention 'social life' in the introduction?) People living in the modern society have found that more and more problems cannot be solved by just themselves or by their families. When dealing with these kinds of problems, the government’s help has become even more important in a modern society.

In the first place, when someone says that nowadays most problems could be solved by people themselves or their families, it might mean that modern people have more freedom to choose their life styles and how to address the problems they meeting in their daily lives. But it by no means indicates that people can solve most of the problems just by themselves and their families. It is true that nowadays most people have no longer been living with their elders, the member forming a family has reduced (I think you meant 'family sizes have reduced' or simply 'families have become smaller'.), and thus the structure of a family has become simpler. In this sense, people don’t need to deal with the problems which might emerge in a large family, such as the relationship with their elders or their peers. However, observing the general form of the modern society we may find that the structure of the whole society has been more organized and complicated. Modern people are living more and more isolated from each other. This kind of living state might result in more and more psychological and physical diseases in daily life (You can't connect two individual sentences together with a comma.). And as I see it, since the basic cell of the society-the family-has become smaller, the relationships between these “cells” are becoming more delicate and sensitive. Thus, as long as any tiny problems occur on a certain person, it might affect a family, a group of people or even the whole society. For example, suicide has become a serious problem in modern life. If a person committed suicide because he/she couldn’t afford too much pressure, his/her family members including his relevants might face stronger stress more than the person him/herself because of the condemnations by other people. The person’s problem might spread into a group of people, or even the whole society, if the person was a superstar, so to speak. (I don't see how this example supports your point about modern relationships between people becoming more delicate and sensitive. You didn't really argue that suicides in the past were less likely to affect the whole society. It may be less visible, less published, less hyped by modern standards – especially by modern media's standards, but you cannot conclude that people at ancient times were definitely less affected by suicides or other kinds of stress.) I believe most people still remember the death incident of the Marilyn Monroe. (And possibly Cleopatra.There goes an example of what I just said – The suicide of Cleopatra was so influential that it has survived thousands of years of history. How will you argue, then, that relationships in the modern society are more delicate and problems are more likely to spread to the whole society, etc.? And, on top of all, you are expected to argue that 'because this problem cannot be solved by the individual or his family, it is necessary for the government to help'. Not just that problems can be more easily widespread in the modern society, blah..)

On the second place (Just use 'secondly'..or at least this needs to be 'in' the second place), a person will always have tough problems he/she could not solve by him/herself. At that time, a timely rescuer from other people is so important. So in my opinion, the government should assume the role to organize and regulate such rescuer organizations to provide more efficient help to the people who need help. Since it’s also a government’s responsibility to provide social security to all the people living in the society, especially on the problems of unemployment, the elder’s life insurance, and rescuing the vulnerable members. .(If it just 'other people's help' that is needed, then why can't his family do it? Why must it be the government? What arguments do you have for deeming that a government has all this responsibility to help its people? You can't be persuasive by just saying 'in my opinion the government should do this and this'. It's like, if someone walks up to you on the street and says 'in my opinion the government should make robbery legal', would you just accept that as reasonable?)

总结：

其实你根本不需要担心语言神马不地道神马硬邦邦的，对付托福绰绰有余，你倒不如多担心担心你的论述。。= =

你首先根本就没有组织文章，这片文第一个论点几乎占了三分之二。。然后，有头无尾，有introduction没conclusion，等同于没写完。。请注意文章的架构完整。第二个问题是漂移。。议论的本质是说明你为什么对一个问题有一个特定的看法，所有的例子分析议论都要为这个目的服务，最终都要回到你对这个问题的总观点上去。所以议论应该是圆的，而不是一条线这样：现代人之间的感情关系很脆弱 -> 脆弱会容易精神出问题 -> 精神出问题容易波及家庭 -> 不止家庭，如果是明星的话会波及整个社会 -> 你看像梦露这样的明星就。。你现在的议论就是这样，只是顾着从一个关键字顺到下一个关键字，几句话之后就跑到一个跟本来的问题完全不相干的地方去了。。当然这样发散不要紧，关键是发散完了得回来 – 你得说明你刚才说了这么多到底跟本来的问题和你的总观点有什么关系。。

mdangsonUID: 2442605

mpromanus 发表于 2012-11-16 10:25
Most problems can be solved by people themselves or their families, help from the government is un ...

非常感谢Romanus老师！的确是这样的。我写g文章也是这样，就是自己也感觉有点不知所云，实际上问题就在，我每次要用英文写得时候脑子里都在想中文是怎么样写得，然后就导致好多东西表达不出来，逻辑也不对。
你帮我指出之后我觉得，我应该利用学过得有限的英文语料把事情讲清楚有逻辑。这样可能是学英文写东西的第一步，我之前写paper也是中翻英，结果就很不给力。中文能表达的英文好多都说不出来。当然这些作文不是中文翻译的，只是思维习惯不对！
再次感谢！