【独立写作】holydora的作业贴

holydoraUID: 3348883

这篇写作超时了，自己也稍微修改过，请高手指点！我觉得自己的句型不够丰富，例子也没有拓展很多，等待点评……

秋雨荆州UID: 2903781

也顶起来~楼主终于来参加写作互改了，不错不错~加油！

holydoraUID: 3348883

秋雨荆州 发表于 2012-12-15 15:43
也顶起来~楼主终于来参加写作互改了，不错不错~加油！

谢版主加油！！！继续tpo去了……

mpromanusUID: 2565872

It is more important to choose friends to have fun with than to choose friends that will help you when you need them.

   Almost everyone wants someone else to share his emotions, and to give advices ('advice' is still regarded as uncountable as formal, standard English goes. There is a strong tendency happening right now to use 'advices' but so far it's probably better to stick with 'advice'.) when he is in trouble. This person we call him a friend. As friends accompany with us through all our lives, they play a vital role in our whole lives. Then comes the question: how to choose friends. Is it more important to choose friends to have fun with than to choose friends that will help you when you need them? In my opinion, I disagree with this opinion. I think that people who will help me when I need them are my friends.

   I concede that people you have fun with can make you feel at ease or even happy. Mostly, you can enjoy a comfortable atmosphere with the person you have fun with. Under this kind of atmosphere, you can share with each other more easily. Even when you are in a difficulty (This is still not very idiomatic. I'd probably use 'in a difficult situation'. Or, you might just use 'difficulties' since you use 'problems' in the next clause anyway.), sometimes laughing can help you get through problems. But comparing a friend like this to a friend who helps you when you need him, I think the latter kind of friend is more important in our lives.

   It is more difficult for friends to share your problems than to share happiness. To share another's happiness, you need to offer nothing but your company. While it comes to share another's problems, you need to be tolerant with his nagging, be wise enough to help him get through the problems, and be his strongest support.(You can't use a countable noun in its singular form on its own. It needs either an article or be in the plural form. That is, you can't say 'I have problem', but only 'I have a problem/problems.' The bare singular form doesn't make sense anyway: if you say 'My friend shares my problem', it means he only shares one unspecified problem and not any other problems..) If problems are given, everyone will choose the easier one, because he does not want to put more energy in solving a problem. So when people want to share your problems, this does mean that they do lay more attention on you.(I don't quite get why 'attention' is mentioned here since the previous sentence was about spending energy on problem solving, not attention.) In other words, they care about you much more than people who just share happiness with you. So I will choose friends that will help me when I need them.

“A friend in need is a friend indeed.” As this famous saying goes, people who can help you when you need them are your true friends. There are countless examples around us in the society. A wealthy man usually has lots of friends. They play games together, shopping together, and go to pubs together. When someday this wealthy man becomes poor, what he will lose is not only money but also friends. Then this poor man realizes that this kind of friend is not a true friend, and the person who still accompanies with him and is glad to help him is. For this reason, I will choose people who can help me when I am in trouble as my friends.

To sum up, friends who can help you when they are needed are true friends. So I think it is more important to choose friends that will help you than to choose friends to have fun with. (The main body of your essay did not address the issue on the 'important' bit at all. You only kept saying 'I will choose friends who can help me when needed'. Of course, everyone tends to think the fact that he has chosen something must mean this something is important – but this is, in strict logical reasoning, not valid. You need to explicitly express this correlation – your choice == importance.)

总结：

论述上主要是分论点的结尾都是在说个人的选择，最后结论一下子跳回到重要性。。好吧每个人都会觉得自己的选择肯定是最重要的但是你最好把这句话说清楚这样才不会过于突兀。。语法上请注意单复数和冠词的用法。。话说我没觉得你句型不够丰富神马的。。

zhlifa08UID: 3397298

mpromanus 发表于 2012-12-19 09:25
It is more important to choose friends to have fun with than to choose friends that will help you wh ...

改得真好！

holydoraUID: 3348883

mpromanus 发表于 2012-12-19 09:25
It is more important to choose friends to have fun with than to choose friends that will help you wh ...

多谢老师！我的确是名词用法用错了，这回记清楚了，一定用复数或者前面加定冠词。还有，你指出advice惯用单数，我学习了，以前都不知道……
最主要的，我知道了自己最大毛病，每段的最后总结，和题目不搭。我要告诫自己时刻牢记题目问的是什么，总结的时候要点题。
再次感谢老师，提前祝圣诞新年快乐，假期愉快！！！:lol