求各路大神恨拍作文！！！

ikaroswangUID：3411888

小弟马上就要考试了10.18的，AW最近才准备，写了一篇argu（这是我写的第二篇），知道写的很烂，但是恳请大家拍拍，要没时间了啊！不足的地方大家引以为戒！求上3.5！
题目：

The following is a recommendation from the Board of Directors of Monarch Books.

We recommend that Monarch Books open a café in its store. Monarch, having been in business at the same location for more than twenty years, has a large customer base because it is known for its wide selection of books on all subjects. Clearly, opening the café would attract more customers. Space could be made for the café by discontinuing the children's book section, which will probably become less popular given that the most recent national census indicated a significant decline in the percentage of the population under age ten. Opening a café will allow Monarch to attract more customers and better compete with Regal Books, which recently opened its own café.

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.
我写的：
While the author offers a plausible content, there are still a large amount of flaws to be improved. One question which needs to be addressed before implementing the recommendation is whether there is no other way to increase the revenue except opening a café. Without enough proof, the author firmly decides to build the café and the argument is logically unconvincing as it stands. Quantities of assumptions will be discovered as follows.

First and foremost, there is no doubt that the author assumes that people in the town almost all know the Monarch Book which has been in business at the same location more than twenty years. That is ridiculous. Having been dealt with local individuals in a extensive years does not mean a lot of people know the book shop. Maybe only a few numbers of them know it. For example, a restaurant has been in a country for many years but the taste of food only could be favored in a small group, which can be famous in a diminutive circle. Therefore, not too many people know it. Even if the hypothesis can be satisfied, there is still an assumption should be contented. Maybe the people in this town do not like to drink the coffee, but the cola, water and so forth. As a consequence, there are not sufficient evidences to prove the assumption.

Furthermore, there is no denying the fact that the author fails to stress the range of the children. Since he acclaims "less popular" is the main reason. He wants to narrow the scope of the children's book section. Maybe the children's number in this town is 30%, the total amount of people in this country, however, is 100000. Even if the children's section is decreased a little, there will be nothing as a whole, so the result is not scientific. Unless the investigator sampled a more accurate specimen (including the decreasing rate, total numbers and so on), the consequence can be reliable and undoubtedly.

Finally, something should not be ignored that the speaker deems the new book shop named Regal Books will attract a lot of customers by utilizing the tragic which is opening a new café. Probably this is one reason of success in Regal Books, but not the main idea. We may have these assumptions: a good service will be enjoyed in the current Books, a cheaper price can also appeal to a large amount of clients, a dramatically elegant environment could also be the course. The speaker should do a better investigation in order to increase the income.

All in all, the argument that opening a café is not a wise solution to increase the revenue unless the author verified the underlying the assumption mentioned above. Otherwise, there will be futile or even a damage to the income.

小硕鼠UID：3411565

如果是着急可以理解，但是请发作文版也许会有更多人帮到你

ikaroswangUID：3411888

自己顶~

ikaroswangUID：3411888

看看有什么问题也好啊~

ikaroswangUID：3411888

小硕鼠 发表于 2013-10-8 21:42
如果是着急可以理解，但是请发作文版也许会有更多人帮到你

硕鼠斑斑，能给看看吗，指出点意见也好啊~

小硕鼠UID：3411565

实在抱歉。。
我现在没耐心看这篇文章，所以我也不想敷衍你
但是我可以提供一些建议：
1.这个帖子推荐给你：
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1496294-1-1.html
2.回头好好看OG的instruction 不看instruction就写是3.5以下的节奏
3.我自己作文3分，就不误人子弟了

ikaroswangUID：3411888

小硕鼠 发表于 2013-10-9 22:51
实在抱歉。。
我现在没耐心看这篇文章，所以我也不想敷衍你
但是我可以提供一些建议：

好吧。。。
多谢建议~