【issue】hxy的作业贴

活性氧UID: 3487677

【2.15 Issue作文题已出 占座中】GRE写作互批活动  hxy的作业贴

希望大家不吝赐教，狂批狠批！

祝G友们杀鸡成功！！

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主楼链接

活性氧UID: 3487677

Issue 147

The effectiveness of a country's leaders is best measured by examining the well-being of that country's citizens.        


Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

issue147-hxy.docx (14.62 KB, 下载次数: 22)

2014-2-16 20:42:43 上传

下载次数: 22

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附上提纲吧

1 many people regard well-being is an important criterion of effectiveness of leaders.

2 the foundation of nations is different,  judge the effective of leader only with well-being is not fair.

3 the effectiveness of a leader should be judged by how much improvement of well-being he brought out and how much contributions he made for his nation's future.

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根据大家的建议修改的，有兴趣可以在看一下噢~
issue147-hxy 2.0.docx (15.61 KB, 下载次数: 10)

2014-2-18 19:50:32 上传

下载次数: 10

sunlhaoUID: 3479183

仔细拜读了楼主的作文，觉得楼主写得非常好，水平在5分左右，是我们学习模仿的榜样。建议楼主再做一个开头段，不然第一段一上来就开始议论，让人感到有点突兀，缺少过渡。
其实起始段也不是特别复杂，你就把结尾段摆上来，再调整一些用词和顺序即可。
祝楼主杀G成功

活性氧UID: 3487677

sunlhao 发表于 2014-2-16 21:22
仔细拜读了楼主的作文，觉得楼主写得非常好，水平在5分左右，是我们学习模仿的榜样。建议楼主再做一个开头段 ...

= = 这果断是改了2天在网上查了好多资料各种有道的结果，
不过太感谢鼓励了，再接再厉，大家一起加油~
恩开头结尾处理的还不是太好~谢谢意见！

sunlhaoUID: 3479183

活性氧 发表于 2014-2-16 21:32
= = 这果断是改了2天在网上查了好多资料各种有道的结果，
不过太感谢鼓励了，再接再厉，大家一起加油~
...

刚刚没有仔细看题目的要求><
这里想提醒楼主注意一下，题目里面有一句ways in which the statement might or might not hold true，也就是一般所谓的正反观点题，楼主要对题目的观点有一个明确的态度（对还是不对），楼主在这里显得有些暧昧，最后结尾段变成improvement of social welfare和contribution to the future似乎同等地位。这里犯了这种题型的大忌
建议：楼主结构可以不用大改，第一部分做成一个让步段，部分同意领导对人民福祉的促进作用，在后面强调一下对未来的贡献才是评判领导人的标准。
不然的话，原本的高分作文可能批出来惨不忍睹

活性氧UID: 3487677

sunlhao 发表于 2014-2-16 22:00
刚刚没有仔细看题目的要求><
这里想提醒楼主注意一下，题目里面有一句ways in which the statement migh ...

嗯嗯，原来instruction一直都没怎么特别看，其实也没什么底，今天有点晚了，我明天好好研究一下，
感谢，好热心啊~~

早上好_十三姨UID: 3440837

请查收啦

活性氧UID: 3487677

早上好_十三姨 发表于 2014-2-18 13:43
请查收啦

Thank you!

hzj_goodUID: 3462975

拜读佳作，甚为折服，怒赞！！！

活性氧UID: 3487677

hzj_good 发表于 2014-2-18 20:08
拜读佳作，甚为折服，怒赞！！！

Thank you! 一起加油啊~~

活性氧UID: 3487677

Argument 2

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The following appeared as part of a letter to the editor of a scientific journal.       

A recent study of eighteen rhesus monkeys provides clues as to the effects of birth order on an individual's levels of stimulation. The study showed that in stimulating situations (such as an encounter with an unfamiliar monkey), firstborn infant monkeys produce up to twice as much of the hormone cortisol, which primes the body for increased activity levels, as do their younger siblings. Firstborn humans also produce relatively high levels of cortisol in stimulating situations (such as the return of a parent after an absence). The study also found that during pregnancy, first-time mother monkeys had higher levels of cortisol than did those who had had several offspring.       

Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.

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argument2-by活性氧.docx (13.46 KB, 下载次数: 4)

2014-2-18 21:41:03 上传

下载次数: 4

感觉这个比其他A的都要难找，自己也是上网看了一下才写下来的
1 the production of cortisol is influenced by age, not birth order: the older those monkeys are, the more cortisol will produce
2 that fact that the first-time mother monkeys have higher levels of cortisol is caused by nervous and doesn't has any influence to their babies
3 the hormone cortisol will indicate the body to provide for muscles more energy, and increase the ability of individuals' movement, but  has no obvious relationship with the levels of stimulation

小硕鼠UID: 3411565

活性氧 发表于 2014-2-16 23:07
嗯嗯，原来instruction一直都没怎么特别看，其实也没什么底，今天有点晚了，我明天好好研究一下，
感谢， ...

instruction一定要好好看
OG明确说明过，要重视instruction

活性氧UID: 3487677

小硕鼠 发表于 2014-2-18 22:39
instruction一定要好好看
OG明确说明过，要重视instruction

是啊 谢谢提醒~~

林悠悠UID: 3412664

活性氧 发表于 2014-2-18 21:47
Argument 2

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The following appeared as part of a letter to the editor of a scientific journal.         ...

revose by 林悠悠 argument2-by活性氧.docx (11.45 KB, 下载次数: 1)

2014-2-20 14:18:48 上传

下载次数: 1

传说中好像是最难的一篇。
firstborn infant monkeys produce up to twice as much of the hormone cortisol, which primes the body for increased activity levels, as do their younger siblings.
楼主跟我说说这句话怎么理解吧~
写得挺好的了，就是感觉阐述得不太深入，我喜欢比较广为流传的那篇。
http://page.renren.com/601463889/note/866062046?


很喜欢楼主的issue，把题目提炼成了Government和public的关系问题，一正一反例子论证很到位，尤其是Deng的例子，很引发人思考。我想如果楼主想充实内容的话，可以从Deng在蓝图里面的其他建设来写，除了well-being，还有很多例如经济建设，基础设施建设，基本保障（楼主提到的health care等等），社会文明建设，还有环境保护等等，以加强论证“不是well-being而是improvement /contributions ”的“而是”后面那部分的重要性~

活性氧UID: 3487677

林悠悠 发表于 2014-2-20 14:20
传说中好像是最难的一篇。
firstborn infant monkeys produce up to twice as much of the hormon ...

你的理解和我的理解差异可能在于which指代的是前句的什么
我个人觉得 which 指代的是 hormone cortisol, 这个非限定性定语从句 是为了解释 hormone cortisol 的作用 即 推动身体变得更灵活之类的 而不是指代前面整个句子，

人人上这个文章感觉挺好的，感谢楼主分享，他整个系列都有，我收藏下来慢慢看~~ 感谢

说的没错，我也感觉我结尾有点草草收尾的感觉，如果再详细些应该会更饱满~~