写argument遇到瓶颈，求狠批

allenwooUID：3497048

各位不好意思  之前的图片版看不清换上了word版~~
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考了两次g了   10月份准备考第三次   准备aw的时候看过好多书   gre5.5  小姜老师的书  还有一些原版书     另外还有一些包括  简单粗暴写好argument 等   感觉还是挺受启发的   现在不论 issue 还是 argument 30分钟都能随便码上500多字  但是第一次感觉不好拿了3.5分  第二次感觉很顺利才拿了3分    现在的状态是明白自己的aw是有问题  但又不知道大问题出在哪   问过其他人有说有模板的痕迹    当然我也意识到自己已经有些规规矩矩写aw了  至少是argument  但是除了模板我觉得肯定有其他我还没意识到的原因      
这是我8/17拿到3分的argument    希望大家帮我分析下提高的方法    多谢大家
7/98/99.The following is a recommendation from the Board of Directors of Monarch Books.
"We recommend that Monarch Books open a café in its store. Monarch, having been in business at the same location for more than twenty years, has a large customer base because it is known for its wide selection of books on all subjects. Clearly, opening the café would attract more customers. Space could be made for the café bydiscontinuing
the children's book section, which will probably become less popular given that the most recent national census indicated a significant decline in the percentage of the population under age ten. Opening a café will allow Monarch to attract more customers and better compete with Regal Books, which recently opened its own café."
我们建议m 书店在电内开设一个咖啡厅。M 书店在目 前的店址上已经经营了20 多年，并由于其广泛的图书种 类而拥有了庞大的客户群体。很明显，新开设的咖啡厅会 吸引更多的客户，空间可以通过撤出儿童书籍柜台来获 得，因为最近一次全国调查显示10 岁以下儿童的比率显 著下降，所以儿童书就可能没以前那么畅销。开设新咖啡 厅将会使m 吸引更多客户并更好的与最近刚开设了咖啡
厅的r 书店展开竞争。
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以下为我回忆考试时写的argument     求大家狠批！！！！

allenwooUID：3497048

各位不好意思  之前的图片版看不清换上了word版~~

In the argument, the arguer comes up with a recommendation that the Monarch Books should replace the children's book section with a cafe in order to attract more customers and compete with Regal Books better. To bolster his recommendation, he cites the national census which points out the declining population percentage of children under 10. Meanwhile, he claims that the Monarch Books has large customer base because of the wide selection of books, and opening a cafe could expand the customer base. While it seems plausible at first glance, there're several questions remained to be answered before he can make his recommendation reasonable and convincing.

To begin with, the arguer unfairly assumes that the local children percentage is in accordance with that in the national census.  Yet, it is unnecessary to be true all the time because the situation could varies greatly from place to place. In light of this, we should ask: what is the exact variations of percentage of children under ten in the local place in recent years. If the percentage of children declines as significantly as that in the national census, for example, at an annual rate approximate to 40 percentage, it is safe to claim the trend is true in the town and the recommendation will be strengthened.  Whereas, if the children remains stable or decrease at low rate like 5 percentage, the arguer's assumption is obviously flawed and the recommendation will be undermined.

Further, the argument is based on another assumption that the quality and varieties of coffee in Monarch Books are competitive to the coffee offered in Regal Books. Hence, another question has to be answered is that whether the coffee offered in Monarch Books taste better and has more varieties compared with its competitors including Regal Books? If the Monarch could only offer vapid coffee within a few choices of flavors, the Monarch Books would far from being a competitor to Regal Books in that few people would buy it. What’s more, the great base of customers would spread the bad quality coffee more quickly, in this way, the reputation of Monarch Books would be greatly damaged. If so, the recommendation is not sound. Conversely, if the coffee is of a high quality, the café would not at least bring side effects to Monarch Books. And if a lot of coffee types are offered, it is worth a try to combat with its competitors in selling coffee and the customer base could get expanded. In this way, the recommendation could be supported.

Last but not least important, even if the above questions all turn out to have positive answers, another critical question must addressed is that whether the anticipated profits of the café far outweigh the revenues from children’s book section? While the coffee section seems to provide more benefits than the children’s section, there’s no specific evidence to substantiate it. The construction of café could demands to cover a large amount of extra expenses including the decoration fees, hiring new staff and expensive coffee machines. Meanwhile, some measurements can be done to increase the profits in children’s section such as introducing more profitable audio books to children. If the prospect of café does overshadow the children’s section even if enough measurements are taken, the recommendation could be justifiable effective supported. Otherwise, it is profoundly unfair to (replace the children’s section with a café) follow the recommendation since the revenues will not change significantly.

Overall, the arguer fails to address the above questions regarding to the local trend of children percentage, the quality and flavor of coffee offered and the prospect of cafe profits compared with children’s section. In order to reach a cogent and convincing recommendation, the arguer must provide evidences to answer the above questions and support his proposal.  

hjb0928UID：3143403

allenwoo 发表于 2014-9-7 22:02

亲，有没有word版的？这样子既累眼又不好写批改诶..

allenwooUID：3497048

hjb0928 发表于 2014-9-8 22:53
亲，有没有word版的？这样子既累眼又不好写批改诶..

原来是这样- -。。。多谢提醒   好  上word版      
主要之前看到有人被ets判抄袭就是因为在gter上发了自己的文章有点怕怕。。   赌它下回不考这篇 - -
请狠批。。

allenwooUID：3497048

hjb0928 发表于 2014-9-8 22:53
亲，有没有word版的？这样子既累眼又不好写批改诶..

好了~换上word版的了   欢迎批改~~

hjb0928UID：3143403

allenwoo 发表于 2014-9-9 15:40
好了~换上word版的了   欢迎批改~~

详见word文档，我有点手下不留情..那个，那个，做好心理准备吖..
批得不好还请见谅~

allenwooUID：3497048

hjb0928 发表于 2014-9-9 23:26
详见word文档，我有点手下不留情..那个，那个，做好心理准备吖..
批得不好还请见谅~

抱歉过了这么久才回复~~  之前因为感冒+实习+赶报告过得很心酸   没有时间回复     
看了你的批改  真的很用心也很incisive    也许我的问题真的出在攻击的逻辑错误不是很准确  
我分析了一下原因，应该是出在对question类的认识上。
  对于question类因为没写过多少，我的写法就是提出几个assumption，然后写出各个assumption类的question 和 不同 answer 如何影响conclusion
  而assumption类写的多一些，所以会一条一条reason 和 conclusion 纠出来，然后给出其他alternative answers 就像你批改最后的Reason1 Reason2 Reason3 下列举的其他可能导致现象的原因

不过我不清楚是不是question类也能和所建议的比较像assumption 的写法写？？

如果我严格遵守question类的规则又会出现像你指出的第二段tenuous 的地方（根据官方对于question的要求Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation. 我想表达正面的answer会如何加强assumption,结果导致了啰嗦）

两种写法我看来写成assumption类的会比较incisive 因为通过提供alternative answers可以发挥余地比较大  
但question类的写法的发挥余地被自己提的question限制住了  无非是从answer如何加强和削弱两方面写..

如果要提三个question的话，你觉得该提哪三个可以提高我的分数呢？
请指教。。  另外，以上我的见解有错误的请不要客气狠批~~

hjb0928UID：3143403

allenwoo 发表于 2014-9-14 13:00
抱歉过了这么久才回复~~  之前因为感冒+实习+赶报告过得很心酸   没有时间回复     
看了你的批改  真的 ...

文章没有限制你可以提多少个question.所以在30分钟内尽可能提吧！如果文章内容里只有3个question，我觉得很可能还是这么多分而已.尝试用一些其它的辩论方法，比如你熟悉的assumption也是一个很好的选择，但是其它的辩论方法篇幅不要超过主要的question的就可以了.难道你不觉得通篇下来都是question question,读者看起来都会没耐性吗？何况阅卷人？
你可以试试看能不能把一篇assumption的文章改成question的，ETS给的四类题目实际上都是殊途同归，都是要你讲明白argument为什么可能不对

allenwooUID：3497048

hjb0928 发表于 2014-9-15 21:41
文章没有限制你可以提多少个question.所以在30分钟内尽可能提吧！如果文章内容里只有3个question，我觉得 ...

研究了下OG上question类的6分文章  的确提了很多问题  而且把其他论证方法交错其来了。  去学学~~~期望下回有长进~~