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cong

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谢谢分享！！！

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O(∩_∩)O谢谢

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学习一下~

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谢谢  学习学习

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想要看看的啊

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谢谢楼主。敢问楼主何专业啊？

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（9）        文书写作第一要素---越易读越好（4）

下面这个例子来自于版上另一谈文书写作的连载。

“Despite leadership often being perceived as the role of a nominated individual within a team, there has been a growing amount of recognition within the business community of the importance of leadership being shown by individual team members. In an age of mobile networks, project-based teams spanning multiple continents, and business processes which have become more fluid, leadership, defined as the ability to take the responsibility for decisions made and to have the initiative to take those decisions, has become all the more crucial.
读了第一段，感觉是哪个academic journal还是杂志上直接摘过来。这是写给商学院的essay，跟整天研究leadership的人说官话吊书袋，岂不是找虐找挑战？please do not lecture the reader！！！”

这是一段PS的开头，问题确实很大。我看了连载作者的评论之后笑了。因为我可以肯定这段话不是从杂志上抄来的，而是PS原作者刻意模仿GMAT和GRE阅读写法造成的效果。另外PS原作者提leadership也没有错，即使是大家都熟知的概念，如果你能用更加简洁有见地的方式表达出来，也会赢得专家读者的好感。因为这体现出你个人思路清晰且交流能力强。

下面继续根据之前的原则来对这段话进行改动。

首先第一句话，可以一分为二，变为：
Leadership used to be perceived as the role of a nominated individual within a team. But there has been a growing amount of recognition within the business community of the importance of leadership being shown by individual team members.

分开之后再看第一部分非常扎眼的一个说法nominated individual within a team。我本人在外企工作过好多年，和美国欧洲的同事经常合作，交流中从来没有碰到过这种晦涩的说法。所以肯定是故弄玄虚，直接简化成manager。第二部分中比较扎眼的说法是there has been a growing amount of recognition within the business community。很多英文写作书里都建议不要过度用there is这种句型，而是用主谓宾这种简单的模式来传达出更强的力量。所以这句话可以改成：But the business community has grown to appreciate the importance of leadership shown by team members.

问题比较大的是下面这句话。In an age of mobile networks, project-based teams spanning multiple continents, and business processes which have become more fluid, leadership, defined as the ability to take the responsibility for decisions made and to have the initiative to take those decisions, has become all the more crucial.

这句话实际要表达三个意思：第一是我们进入一个怎样的时代，第二是领导力的定义，第三是领导力在这个时代很重要。我们首先把第一部分变成一个独立句子。
With the advent of mobile networks, business processes have become more globalized and fluid, increasingly depending on project-based teams spanning different continents.

第二第三个意思倒是可以合在一起，但是PS原作者关于领导力的定义不仅前后颠倒而且很晦涩，可以改成the ability to take initiatives in making and executing decisions。调整后的句子变为Against this backdrop, it is now crucial for each and every team member to contribute leadership, the ability to take initiatives in making and executing decisions.

最后效果如下。字数从84捡到了75，表达更加清楚了。
Leadership used to be perceived as the exclusive role of managers. But the business community has grown to appreciate the importance of leadership shown by team members. With the advent of mobile networks, business processes have become more globalized and fluid, increasingly depending on project-based teams spanning different continents. Against this backdrop, it is now crucial for each and every team member to contribute leadership, the ability to take initiatives in making and executing decisions.

在这篇的结尾，我想借助一个例子来解释完美的PS语言应该是什么样子的。这个例子来自于前一段时间美国最高法院关于同性婚姻的裁决书。其中有一段话来解释婚姻的背景和由来。句型十分简单，但语言优美意思清楚，没有任何GRE阅读的晦涩感。

From their beginning to their most recent page, the annals of human history reveal the transcendent importance of marriage. The lifelong union of a man and a woman always has promised nobility and dignity to all persons, without regard to their station in life. Marriage is sacred to those who live by their religions and offers unique fulfillment to those who find meaning in the secular realm. Its dynamic allows two people to find a life that could not be found alone, for a marriage becomes greater than just the two persons. Rising from the most basic human needs, marriage is essential to our most profound hopes and aspirations.

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谢谢分享

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很有用~