原文已删除

静水流深唯我独尊UID: 3648693

前辈的经验贴，要先好好看一下。

TFxhgqUID: 3600047

欣赏一下，谢谢

Shochey111UID: 3616433

Dddddddd

太阳之子UID: 3583801

好贴好贴~！

AscticHuangUID: 3609477

多谢分享！~

BarHarborUID: 3594541

（10）        文书写作第一要素---越易读越好（5）

下面这个例子还是来自于版上另一谈文书写作的连载。我觉得是个非常好的例子。它说明了绕弯的写法不但导致表达模糊，还有可能让整个语气变得不和谐，让人读起来不舒服。

“Apparently, passion and intellectual caliber have not been the sole factors that have informed my academic pursuit. It is the academic initiative that led me to do a double Master’s degree at the Faculty of Business and Economics of Hong Kong University (HKU). At this top 2 business school in East Asia (according to an assessment in 20XX), I have strived for the ultimate limit of excellence in an exclusively finance-oriented program. With a Straight-A record (GPA 3.97), I was on the top of the “Dean’s Honours List” for 20XX, an honor awarded to 20 students among a total of 133 double-degree students.

This is the first time I have cited those statistics and facts to indicate what a good student I have been and, in doing so, I do not mean to give you the impression that I am a conceited or pretentious person, for person of such a nature would not have consistently maintained the highly level of excellence the way I did over a whole span of seven years. For me, what comes first and remains paramount has always been to learn what I love and learn it truly well. Intellectual curiosity and a lasting commitment to academics are what really lie behind my statistics and facts.

这个是楼主从国内某高端文书高端留学高端人生的网站上看到的。据说是出自英文教授之手。同学问若是感兴趣，请联系我要地址。对方严禁转载，生怕网友拿来主义直接套用坏了前程。我就嘿嘿嘿乐了，我跟街上5岁小孩聊天都比你花一星期抽很多根烟精雕细琢出的文书要正点，你倒贴我都不敢用.....”

我们先看第一段前两句话：
Apparently, passion and intellectual caliber have not been the sole factors that have informed my academic pursuit. It is the academic initiative…

这里inform的意思不是我们所熟知的“告知，告发”，大概是指影响，渗透的意思。我们在表达某部艺术作品或者个人性格受到其他事物影响，会这么用。但他的意思无非是说，我在学术上之所以有这么大的成就不但有激情和智力因素的帮助，还主要靠自己的主动性。我觉得最大的问题是，如果要表达这么简单的一个意思不需要用一个绕弯的表达方法。同时这句话逻辑是有点问题的。因为激情（Passion）催生了主动性 （initiative），没有办法把这两者划一道清楚的界限。那么该怎么表述比较合适呢？我这里提供一个简单易懂通俗，又显得PS作者积极向上的句子。另外其他的句子我也做了相应的调整。第一段修改后如下。

As a high-octane person, I strive mightily for excellence in my academic pursuits. After entering Faculty of Business and Economics of HKU, a top-echelon business school in Asia, I chose to challenge myself and enrolled in a dual Master’s degree program centering round finance. Despite the heavy course loads, I accomplished near perfect grades (GPA3.97/4.0) and stood on the top of the “Dean’s Honours List” for 20XX, a prestigious recognition won by only 20 students out of 133 dual-degree enrollees.

再看第二段。这一段的问题就比较大了。作者的意思其实很简单，我学业上这么拼不是单纯为了成绩和荣誉，而是因为我真的很热爱搞学术。但就是这么直截了当的一个意思，原作者写了满满一段显得很狂妄的话，让整个PS的效果大打折扣。那么很多同学肯定关心，我能不能吹嘘自己的优异表现呢？当然是可以的，但是你的表现手法必须很谦虚，甚至可以加点幽默感。下面是我的改动。

In the past seven years, I felt like a hamster running in a toy wheel. But the difference is that I probably enjoy it more than any hamster does. My energy and drive come from my passion and intellectual curiosity for finance. And my overarching goal is to make a lasting difference in the academic research of this field.

修改后，两段可以合成一段。不但变得更清楚，也显得更加积极阳光。

As a high-octane person, I strive mightily for excellence in my academic pursuits. After entering Faculty of Business and Economics of HKU, a top-echelon business school in Asia, I chose to challenge myself and enrolled in a dual Master’s degree program centering round finance. Despite the heavy course loads, I accomplished near perfect grades (GPA3.97/4.0) and stood on the top of the “Dean’s Honours List” for 20XX, a prestigious recognition won by only 20 students out of 133 dual-degree enrollees. In the past seven years, I felt like a hamster running in a toy wheel. But the difference is that I probably enjoy it more than any hamster does. My energy and drive come from my passion and intellectual curiosity for finance. And my overarching goal is to make a lasting difference in the academic research of this field.

siyingchen2824UID: 3589705

piligrimUID: 3537614

谢谢楼主的经验分享

andrea_shUID: 3571553

好棒的帖子，顶！！！！

cc98765159UID: 3620270

=-=========================================

弓米弓小弓米弓UID: 3647037

不错~~

李犬犬UID: 3578151

DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Di_ZhouUID: 3535147

谢谢LZ~~

慢慢的jadeUID: 3590489

前来取经，感谢分享:D

abcmUID: 3324100

xiexiefenxiang