雲靉玥 作文练习贴

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

5/25题目

Issue 15

15)Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers.

Writea response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree withthe claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address themost compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge yourposition.

-------------------7/13-------------------------

太久没写了用了将近40分钟才磨磨蹭蹭的写完。。。写得慢所以typo不是很多可是很久没写还是生疏了很多，句子都快不会写了。看了老师的范文之后主要的收获还是如何论证以及句子的多样性。我也在尝试写不一样的句子可是感觉还是有点无力。这个月要加油了！

另外老师要是有时间可以看一下我之前写的么，不知道之前的思路可不可以。。。

I strongly disagree with the statement that educational institutes should encourage students to major in fields that may lead to lucrative careers for two reasons. First, there is no major that can ensure graduates to obtain profitable jobs in the future. Additionally, students who selected those “lucrative” majors may not enjoy their school work as well as their future careers. Some people may argue that the policy can cultivate more successful alumni for the collage. However, if graduates are commonly unhappy with the program, they will probably not benefit (be benefitial) to theschool.

除了空格的问题 整段写得挺好  
感觉就是在同意转换范文 这样练一下感觉如何？  

benefit to the school动词用法


To begin with, colleges cannot guarantee that every student who studying (is studying) in certain fields can obtain (launch/win) a “lucrative” career in the future. In fact, many important factors other than the major students selected, such as their knowledge base, their networking skills, the status quo of the job market, and of course, their luck, will also influence whether they can succeed in the job market or not. For example, students in majors like finance and computer science may have a higher possibility to get a good job after graduation. Nevertheless, if those students lack good communication skills and cannot show their advantages (express themselves) to the employers, they still cannot succeed in their major fields. Therefore, graduates cannot achieve lucrative careers only because of major in certain fields; they still need many other things to make them successful. (Therefore, the recommendation does not work for everyone, as studying in certain fields not necessarily prepare for lucreative careers.)


who studying句子结构
obtain career 搭配
show their advantages 搭配
最后的总结要复述主题句的内容 也就是不同意的第一个理由

Another reason why I disagree with the policy is that those “lucrative” majors (those majors colleges suggested) may not interest every student. If a student does not have passion in his or her major field but only motivated (but is only motivated) by the guarantee of (the promise of) future success, this person (student) will not devote to (devote his/herself to) the study by heart. In this case, it is highly possible that this student performs weakly in his or her professional fields (academic field) and cannot even find a job in the major field. Even if this student got the job and earned a plenty amount of money, he or she may not enjoy the work. As a result, the lucrative career seems meaningless to the graduate, and it is less possible (less likely) to succeed in the long run without enthusiasm in the career.

lucrative major搭配

but only motivated句子结构有问题

the promise of ...

this student

devote to 用法

professional fields - academic fields  

less possible/ likely

Some may argue that as encouraging students to study in certain fields can help more graduates toobtain (win) lucrative careers, the college can get more donations from those successful and rich alumni. With stronger financial support, the college can improve the facilities and attract more reputable professors as well as better source of students (higher-qulity students). However, it ispossible that many graduates who chose those majors that the college suggestedcould not even succeed in their careers as a result of lacking interests intheir work. In this case, those alumni may not donate anything to the college, as they do not have such money.

attract better source搭配

In conclusion, suggesting majors that mayprepare for lucrative careers for the students will not help students toactually obtain certain success, as the educational institute cannot ensureevery student to achieve lucrative career and students may not enjoy theircareers.

--------------------6/23-------------------------

这次出了个致命的问题就是之前想提纲的时候没想好，导致写到第二个论点的时候写不下去了，所以重新改了ts之后就严重超时了，50分钟才写完。当然这些么就也有字数比较多的原因，可能说的太罗嗦？

周末就考试了还这样真是好没底啊啊啊！

句子	作用	内容点评	语言点评
Para 1
In my perspective, educational  institutions should not encourage their students to study those majors that  may lead to profitable careers.	观点
First, encouraging students to  study in certain majors will result in the lack of attention to other fields,  causing other equally important majors cannot develop.	ts 1
Additionally, as the labor  market changes rapidly, colleges cannot predict studying which subject will  help their students to make money in the future.	ts 2
. People may argue that those  educational institutions' suggestions can at least help students to plan for  their careers.	challenge
However, it is better for  universities to provide abundant information for students rather than help  them choose their major.	ts 3/suggestion
Para 2
To begin with, if educational  institutions only focusing on those majors that can lead to profitable  careers, it will impact the development of other majors that are equally,  even more beneficial to the society.	TS 1
. For example, finance is  always considered as a profitable major and earth science is publicly  accepted as a less profitable one.	提出例子
If the college encourages  students to major in the lucrative major, i.e. finance, perhaps the school  will invest more money in the development of finance department and ignore  the earth science department, causing fewer people dedicate in earth science  researches.	解释例子
Nevertheless, if all of the  colleges neglect the importance of earth science, how can we develop a method  to predict and prevent large natural disasters that might destroy the welfare  of a society?	例子展开 （不知道需不需要一个总结句）
Para 3
Furthermore, it is difficult  for colleges to anticipate majoring in which subject would be profitable  after graduation, as the labor market changes rapidly.	TS 2
For instance, before 2008,  finance was a very profitable major. Because those people majoring in finance  tended to find their jobs easily and earn higher salaries comparing to those  in other majors, many students chose finance as their major in college.	例子
. However, after the economic  crisis in 2008, as may investment banks and companies went bankrupted, and  there were too many finance graduates in the labor market, many finance  students became unemployed after their graduation.	例子展开
In this case, studying a  seemingly profitable major did not really help students make more money, as  the major may become less profitable in the future.	总结
Para 4
Perhaps people might argue  that the proposal can at least provide a career for those who do not have a  major.	Challenge
I agree that students do need  some guidelines to help them choose their majors, but we should not offer  them with certain majors, as the profitable majors may not suitable to  everyone.	TS 3
It is possible that the majors  offered for some students are not in their interests, leading those students  to perform weakly in their majors or even in their future careers.	解释上句
A better way for educational  institutions to help students with deciding which field to major in is to  offer more information about all of the subjects offered in the college.	提出建议
For example, universities can  require students to take various courses in different field, or offer  lectures about future careers in different fields in the career center, to  help students with selecting their majors and preparing for their jobs.	建议的举例
Para 5
In conclusion, educational  institutions should not encourage their students to select those seemingly  profitable majors, both for the development of other important fields and for  the wellbeing of the students.	总结
Instead, colleges should offer more helpful  information about different majors, so that the students can choose the  subject they really love as their majors and future careers.	建议

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

雲靉玥 发表于 2015-6-20 13:50
6/19
Argument 84

你好！请问你的表格是怎么制作的？是用html语句写的吗？用“高级模式”里的表格工具编辑好麻烦啊，并且间距也不好设置。你是怎么设置的？谢谢！

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

6/23 快速作文练习
Issue 34 49/76/79/146

34) In any situation, progress requires discussion among people who have contrasting points of view.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.


思考和主题句加起来还是12分钟。。。但是后来填写例子花了很长时间，大概有20分钟，原因是想不到很好的例子TuT
后来看了老师的分类讨论觉得会更好一点，可是因为例子积累不够，开始想分类讨论的时候想不到可以support的例子就放弃了

其实分类讨论不是我独创的策略 根本就是题目的要求
you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position你需要明确指出在什么情况或考虑什么因素或角度后 对这个命题有怎样的立场  
         

I agree that most of the time, we should discuss with people who have different opinions in order to develop. As people with different points of view always look at the same problem through various angles, the discussion will help people fairly evaluate their view and even create a more comprehensive one. However, in some cases when the people who have the opposite opinion are irrational or unreasonable, the discussion with them will only be a waste of time and have more harm than benefit.

most of the time就是一个很模糊的范围  
in order to develop (what?)
in some cases -也很模糊




I agree with this statement so long as people can have a conversation in a rational manner.  I will illustrate my position with two examples in marketing research and politics.  Nevertheless, it is not possible to make any progress when discussing with people who are not reasonable.  





First of all, people with different opinions always look at the same issue differently and have different methods to solve a problem, so that we can compare the advantages and disadvantages of both sides and perfect our plan.
比如很多公司在放映一个广告之前会有试映并且找这些人做focus group。由于人们对于所有广告都是持有反对态度，他们对于看完这个广告的意见与建议可以帮助公司修改广告并形成更能让大众接受的样子。

这里可以指出focus group里有人觉得广告好 有人觉得广告不好 通过他们的讨论 可以强化优点  改进缺点等等

Additionally, communicating with people who have contrasting views may also stimulate more comprehensive plans.
民主共和党一个代表平民一个代表富人，他们的讨论可以最后制定出一个这种的方案，从而benefit全国人民。

需要较具体的例子


Nevertheless, in situations when the opposite party does not have tenable reasons to support its point of view, it is better for us to not discuss with them, as the discussion will probably become an dispute, or even a fight.
同样是在公司决定是否投资时，有些人只是单纯的过于自负，或者在利益方面与我们对立，很可能会故意提出与我们观点不同的观点，也没有reasonable的理由来支持他们的观点。这样与这些人的讨论很有可能并不能找出我们观点中的真正disadvantages，反而有可能因为和对方吵架之类的耽误投资良机


有些人只是单纯的过于自负 这个很难让读者信服

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

dingchenchen 发表于 2015-6-23 20:44
你好！请问你的表格是怎么制作的？是用html语句写的吗？用“高级模式”里的表格工具编辑好麻烦啊，并且间 ...

你可以在exal里做好表格然后直接贴到高级回复里，要注意右上角的纯文字的勾要去掉再贴表格就可以咯~

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

雲靉玥 发表于 2015-6-23 20:59
你可以在exal里做好表格然后直接贴到高级回复里，要注意右上角的纯文字的勾要去掉再贴表格就可以咯~

哦，谢谢啊~~~~~就是那个，我怎么说粘贴后没有表格呢！谢谢啊~~~~~

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

6/1题目   完成于6/24
Issue 7

Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the arts can flourish and be available to all people. Others believe that government funding of the arts threatens the integrity of the arts.

Write a response in which you discuss which view more closely aligns with your own position and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should address both of the views presented.

32分钟写完的，借鉴了老师的范文和例子。。。速度还是不行，而且typo很多，尤其是写到最后快到时间的时候。

句子	作用	内容点评	语言点评
Para 1
I agree with the argument that  it is necessary for the government to fund artists, so that more valuable art  works can be created and the art works can be available for more people.	回应第一个观点
However, the concern is also  true that government funding may influence the wholesome of the arts as it  may only fund those who create artworks that are favor to the  government.	回应第二个观点
A proper way to solve the  problem would be to establish an art council that is separated from the  government to select which artist to fund.	solution
Para 2
To begin with, government  funding can help many artists to keep creating art works, as most of artists  are very poor before they are well known among people.	TS 1
Creating artworks is a pretty  money consuming process as the artists need a plenty amount of money to  consume art tools, which are normally expansive.	解释现状
Nevertheless, they usually do  not have any source to gain money.	解释现状
Many talented artists give up  their career in art and pursue careers in other fields because they do not  have money to continue supporting the large spending.	解释现状
However, if the government can  find those talented artists and support them to create valuable artworks,  more talented people will continue creating artworks and will attract more  students to pursue careers in art, so that there will be higher possibility  to find brilliant artworks.	TS解释和总结
Para 3
Additionally, government's  funding in museums or art institutions can make artworks more available for  the general public, even those poor people.	TS 2
If the government funds art  museums, it is possible that people can enter the museum with no need to pay  the entrance fee.	举例
In that case, art students can  learn more about different genres and artists in the museum, the art scholars  can have more resources to discuss and study, and general public can increase  their knowledge base about art.	进一步解释例子 （这个是看Kssandra的学来的）
As a result, as more people  have the ability to enjoy and create arts, art can surely flourish in the  society.	总结
Para 4
However, there is possibility  that the government likes to fund only those who create artworks that can  benefit the government.	TS 3
For example, in Chairman Mao's  period in China, the government had only funded those filmmakers or artists  who created works that praised Chairman Mao.	例子
Nevertheless, this is not to  say that the government should not fund any artists.	反驳第二个观点
A better solution would be to  establish an art council in which the members are selected by the public, and  let the council instead of government to choose which artists to support.	解决方案
Para 5
In conclusion, the government  should fund those artists for creating valuable works to flourish arts and  make artworks more accessible to the general public.	总结
In order to ensure the  integrity of arts, one of the solutions would be to give artists the right to  choose the funding beneficiaries rather than the government.	建议

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

6/2题目   完成于6/24
Argument 1

Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been made only by the Palean people. Recently, however, archaeologists discovered such a "Palean" basket in Lithos, an ancient village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat, and no Palean boats have been found. Thus it follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.


因为马上考试了逼着自己快写完，也估计因为速度快了句型语法真的就是漫天飞TuT
这个之前有看过题目，写得快一些（可能字数少），但是也用了将近28分钟，然后检查了第一段。

句子	作用	内容点评	语言点评
Para 1
In the article, the author  argues that Palean basket is not unique to Palea, as archaeologists recently  found the Palean basket in Lithos.	文章观点
The writer also mentions that  there is a deep and broad river between Palea and Lithos, but no  transportation vehicles found near Palea.	文章论据
In order to examine the  validity of the argument, we need more evidence to prove that the river is  hard to cross, there was not boat built, and there was no other ways to bring  the basket to Lithos.	提出需要evidence
Para 2
To begin with, more evidence  is needed to show that the river was a natural barrier for people at that  time to cross.	evidence 1
It is possible that as  thousands of years has passed, the Brim River was different from how it looks  today.	可能 1
Maybe the Brim River was  pretty narrow and shallow in the past, so those Paleans can cross it very  easily.	解释可能
Another possibility is that  the river might be covered with ice in the winter, so that the prehistoric  people can cross the river by walking on the ice.	可能 2
Therefore, unless there is  evidence to show that the Brim River is a natural barrier separated Palea and  Lithos, the argument in the article will not be proved.	总结
Para 3
In addition, we need evidence  to show that no people had built any boats near Palea.	evidence 2
Maybe Paleans actually built  boats using animal skins and brought their unique basket across the river,  but the rough boats have been destroyed as thousands years has passed.	可能 1
What is more, it is possible  that people from other villages had boats and transported the Palean basket  to Lithos.	可能 2
Without evidence to prove that  there was no boat built in anywhere, we cannot argue that the baskets were  not transported by boat.	总结
Para 4
Another evidence we need is  that there is no other method to bring the basket to Lithos.	evidence 3
There is possibility that the  prehistoric people built bridge over the river and they could have  transported the basket to Lithos by walking across the bridge.	可能 1
Furthermore, it could be some  merchants in other villages had trade the basket to Lithos, as they might  reach Lithos through other part of the land.	可能 2
Unless we have the evidence to  exclude these possibilities, the argument cannot be proved validate.	总结
Para 5
In conclusion, in order to  evaluate the argument, we still need evidence to exclude the assumptions that  prehistoric people could actually cross the river, or built the boat, or  other people had bring the basket to Lithos.	总结

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

6/24 快速写作练习
Argument 35

The following appeared in a letter from the owner of the Sunnyside Towers apartment complex to its manager.

"One month ago, all the showerheads in the first three buildings of the Sunnyside Towers complex were modified to restrict maximum water flow to one-third of what it used to be. Although actual readings of water usage before and after the adjustment are not yet available, the change will obviously result in a considerable savings for Sunnyside Corporation, since the corporation must pay for water each month. Except for a few complaints about low water pressure, no problems with showers have been reported since the adjustment. I predict that modifying showerheads to restrict water flow throughout all twelve buildings in the Sunnyside Towers complex will increase our profits even more dramatically."

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the prediction and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the prediction.


30分钟写完的，写的比较多所以有点赶。放在Word里有将近10个typo。。。

句子	作用	内容点评	语言点评
Para 1
In the letter, the owner of  the Sunnyside Towers apartment complex argues that restricting water flow of  the showerheads in the 12 buildings of the apartment can ignificantly increase the company’s profit.	文章论点		significantly
The owner also mentions that  as the company need to pay for the water, the change will not only save water  but also the corporation’s spending. Additionally, few people have complained  about the change in the test buildings.	文章论据		needs
However, in order to  evaluate the argument by the owner, some questions related to the readings of  water usage, the people living there, and the possibility of applying the  results to other buildings are needed to be answered.	三个问题		句子的主语太长 are needed to be 语法
Para 2
To begin with, we need to know  whether the actually amount of water used by the residents before and after  the modification has decreased or not.	Q2		actual
It is highly possible that as  the maximum water flow was turned down by one-third of the original size, the  residents lived in the three buildings needed to take showers for a longer  time in order to completely clean their bodies.	可能1
In this case, the amount of  water used by the residents will not change.	可能1结果		过渡不错
In addition, probably the  residents prefer bath to shower, so that the change did not impact the amount  of water used.	可能2		bathing / showering
Therefore, if the actual amount of water usage increases or stays the same, the company will not save  money and it will invalidate the argument stated by the owner.	总结
Para 3
Furthermore, we need to answer  the question about whether the residents living there are happy about the  change or not.	Q2
Maybe most of the residents in  the three building are unhappy about the change, but did not have the time to  complain to the company.	可能1
Or some of the people living  there were discomfort with the change but did not want to report.	可能2		discomfort 词性
They might only tell their  families and friends to not choose this apartment and move out very  quickly.	可能2展开
In both of the cases above,  instead of increase the corporation’s profit, the change may cause fewer  people to live there and significantly decrease the company’s profit.	总结		increasing
Para 4
Even though the change can  really save water and the people in the first three buildings were happy with  the change, we still need to answer the question about whether the situation  in the first three buildings can apply to the rest of the buildings.	Q3		the situation  in the first three buildings can apply 选词搭配
The people in the first three  buildings were happy with the change does not means that the residents in  other buildings do not have complaints.	解释上句		will not complain about ...
As there are fewer  people living in the first three building and much more people in the rest of  the buildings, it is possible that after changing the showerheads in the rest  of the nine buildings, more people may complaints about the change, resulting  in the possibility of decreasing the profit the corporation can gain.	可能		may complaints 语法
Para 5
In conclusion, we need  to answer the questions about the actual usage of water in the first three  building, the attitude of the residents in the test building, and the  possibility of applying the results to the rest of buildings to examine the  argument presented by the owner.	总结

总体来看写得不错  语言表达挺好 切入点也可以
可能需要考虑modification的成本对利润的影响  



--------------------------------------
7/31 修改
主要问题：选词搭配，动词，主语太长

In the letter, the owner of the Sunnyside Towers apartment complex argues that restricting water flow of the showerheads in the first three building of the apartment can significantly increase the company’s profit. The owner also mentions that as the company need (needs) to pay for the water, the change will not only save water but also the corporation’s spending. Additionally, few people have complained about the change. However, in order to evaluate the argument by the owner, we need to answer some questions related to the readings of water usage, the people living there, and the possibility of applying the result to other buildings. (主语太长，换成主动了）

To begin with, we need to know whether the actually (actual) amount of water used by the residents before and after the modification has decreased or not. It is highly possible that as the maximum water flow was turned down by one-third of the original size, the residents lived in the three buildings needed to take showers for a longer time in order to completely clean their bodies. In this case, the amount of water used by the residents will not change. In addition, probably the residents prefer bath to shower (bathing to showering), so that the change did not impact the amount  of water used. Therefore, if the actual amount of water usage increases or stays the same, the company will not save money and the argument claimed by the owner will be invalidate.

Furthermore, we need to answer the question about whether the residents living there are happy about the change of not. Maybe most of the residents in the three building are unhappy about the change, but did not have the time to complain to the company. Or some of the people living there were discomfort (discomfortable) with the change but did not want to report. They might only tell their families and friends to not choose this apartment and move out very quickly. In both of the cases above, instead of increase (increasing) the cooperation’s profit, the change may cause fewer people to live there and significantly decrease the company’s profit.

Even if the change can really save water and the people in the first three buildings were happy with the change, we still need to answer the question about whether the situation in the first three buildings can apply to the rest of the buildings (the rest of the buildings can receive the same result after the change). The people in the first three buildings were happy with the change does not means that the residents in other buildings do not have complaints (will not complain about the showerhead change). As there are fewer people living in the first three building and much more people in the rest of the buildings, it is possible that after changing the showerheads in the rest of the nine buildings, more people may complaints (will complain) about the change, resulting in the possibility of decreasing the profit that the cooperation can obtain originally.

In conclusion, we need to answer the questions about the actual usage of water in the first three building, the attitude of the residents in the test building, and the possibility of apply the results in the rest buildings to examine the argument presented by the owner.

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

雲靉玥 发表于 2015-6-24 20:52
6/24 快速写作练习
Argument35

1. actually amount (actual amount?)
2. 有corporation的typo
3. 我觉得是不是还是写 manager 比较好，毕竟statement说的就是manager。
4. 关于第一句是不是写成 12 buildings 比较好，statement最后的一句说的就是12 buildings。
5. will be invalidate. （will be invalid？）
6 Furthermore, we need to answer  the question about whether the residents living there are happy about the  change of （or) not.

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

tmdxlp 发表于 2015-6-24 23:54
1. actually amount (actual amount?)
2. 有corporation的typo
3. 我觉得是不是还是写 manager 比较好 ...

谢谢~~~写的太急没来得及检查typo
关于称呼我觉得是owner啊，他说是owner写给manager的letter（呃也可能是我理解错了？）

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

雲靉玥 发表于 2015-6-25 11:00
谢谢~~~写的太急没来得及检查typo
关于称呼我觉得是owner啊，他说是owner写给manager的letter（呃也可能 ...

hahah```是我错了···没看清楚····

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

6/25 快速练习
Issue 57

The main benefit of the study of history is to dispel the illusion that people living now are significantly different from people who lived in earlier times.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.


呃其实这个都不能算快速练习了，思路简直想了15分钟。。。主要是开始读很久竟然没读懂题= =
然后作文写了差不多30分钟吧，忘记计时了，就粗略估算了一下

句子	作用	内容点评	语言点评
Para 1
I strongly disagree with the  argument stated above.	回应题目		statement / not argument
In fact, studying the history  can tell us that the people living today are indeed different from those  lived in the past both mentally and physically	TS 1
In addition, we can also  benefit from studying history by learning the past lessons.	TS 2		learning the past lessons.意思模糊
Para 2
To begin with, the difference  between the modern people and the people lived in earlier times is not an  illusion; studying the history can actually help us understanding that we are  different from people in the past in both mental and physical aspects.	TS 1		the people lived语法
First, people today have very  different belief than those in the past.	TS 1的ts 1
Fir example, it is normal for  people today to think that women can go out for work and have at least equal  status in the society as men do.	例子now
Nevertheless, by studying the  history, we know that in most of the societies in the past, women could not  be freed from the control of their fathers and husbands.	例子past
Hence, in the mental  perspective, the difference is not an illusion as we do not share those  believes of past people.	总结		mental  perspective选词 beliefs
Para 3
In the physical aspects,  modern people are also different from those lived in the past.	TS 1的ts 2		those lived语法
For instance, before the  industrial revolution, people had to rely on hunting or planting by their  hands to make living, as the food supply is always insufficient.	例子past	工业革命之前还有农业革命 农业革命之前是狩猎为生
However, as machines began to  replace human labors after the industrial revolution, most of the people  today do not need to worry about food and can have careers related more to  culture and art.	例子now
Some people may argue that  there are some aspects we share with the people in the past, such as  wars.	challenge	这个point和主题句完全偏离
Nevertheless, if we analyze  the different between the wars in the past and those in recent time, we can  find that the war nowadays could be significantly more powerful than those in  the past, thanks to the discover of nuclear power.	回应challenge
Para 4
Furthermore, the history can  also teach us lessons that can benefit us today.	TS 2	主题句不够具体
The understanding of  environmental pollution can be a suitable example.	介绍例子
As the industrial revolution  took place in London and people were lacking of the knowledge of  environmental protection, people in the past who owned factories contaminated  the environment without limitation.	例子展开past
. But sooner, thousands of  people got sick because of the toxic haze in London, many of them even  died.	例子展开past
Nevertheless, as people today  studied the history, we learned that the toxic haze is pathogenic and we  should protect the environment in order to live longer.	例子展开now	人类真的从历史中吸取教训了么 至少环境这件事没有 例子不合适
Therefore, history is a good  textbook for use to study the lesson and better our lives.	总结
Para 5
In conclusion, is to clarify  the difference between people today and those in the past is in fact a  benefit of the study of history. Additionally, we can also learn lessons from  the history and use them to make our lives better.	总结

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

6/29
内容反馈汇总之一：回应题目关键词和遵循写作指引

6/11
Issue 33
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=redirect&goto=findpost&ptid=1840058&pid=1779560386&fromuid=2888572

As we acquire more knowledge, things do not become more comprehensible, but more complex and mysterious.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

相关习作句子或段落:
Nonetheless, environmental  science exports will ask questions such as how can people predict more  precisely when and where tornado appears; how can we minimize the damage of  tornado, and is there a relationship between the more frequently appeared  tornado and the worse of global warming,
老师点评:
这里的讨论并没有体现出more mysterious 或complex
自己的思考和总结：
这道题是分类讨论，到了科学家就突然想不到合适的例子就想和正常人直接比较，写之前提到的例子。。但是没有注意提题目中的关键词，重点不在于有什么问题，而是这些问题很难找到答案或者没有答案。感觉修改的还是不太理想，希望老师可以提下意见
修改后：
Nonetheless, for environmental science exports, more knowledge causes more complex and mysterious questions waiting for them to solve, such as how to predict the tornado more precisely, how to minimize the damage of tornado, and how to treat the relationship between the more frequently appeared tornado and the worse of global warming.


6/15
Issue 65
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=redirect&goto=findpost&ptid=1840058&pid=1779570119&fromuid=2888572

Every individual in a society has a responsibilityto obey just laws and to disobey and resist unjust laws.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent towhich you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting yourposition, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

相关习作句子或段落:
Obeying all the laws, nevertheless, does not means that laws are all just and should not be change.
老师点评:
这里没有明显的回应挑战
自己的思考和总结：
这个因为还是刚开始练习，没有注意读题目指引。现在知道一般回应题目要在第一段提到challenge，第四段一般也是用来做回应题目用的，然后都要给出solution或者反驳这个challenge支持自己论点的解释。
修改后：
Some people might argue that the society would not progress if citizens cannot challenge the laws that are truly unreasonable. Obeying all the laws, nevertheless, does not mean that people cannot resist.



6/16
Argument 15
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=redirect&goto=findpost&ptid=1840058&pid=1779573860&fromuid=2888572

The following memorandum is from the business manager of Happy Pancake House restaurants.

Recently, butter has been replaced by margarine in Happy Pancake House restaurants throughout the southwestern United States. This change, however, has had little impact on our customers. In fact, only about 2 percent of customers have complained, indicating that an average of 98 people out of 100 are happy with the change. Furthermore, many servers have reported that a number of customers who ask for butter do not complain when they are given margarine instead. Clearly, either these customers do not distinguish butter from margarine or they use the term 'butter' to refer to either butter or margarine.

Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.
相关习作句子或段落:
Additionally, the statement that 98 percent of people are happy with the change could be interpreted  differently
老师点评:
这个98%本身就是一种诠释 而不是诠释的对象
这里可以看出你对这类题目的要求理解不够准确
自己的思考和总结：
这个不知道算不算，但确实也是对于指引的要求回复的不准确。主要是没有理解题目要找的是给出事实的可能的其他解释，而并不是对于文中作者分析的另一种解释。解决方案就是删了这个我以为的“事实”然后直接写alternative explanation，因为其实这两段的AE都是回应的同一个fact，就是只有2%的人抱怨了。
修改后：
Another explanation to the low complaint rate would be few people have complained.



6/18
Issue 122
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=redirect&goto=findpost&ptid=1840058&pid=1779583018&fromuid=2888572

The best way to understand the character of a society is to examine thecharacter of the men and women that the society chooses as its heroes or itsrole models.

Writea response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree withthe claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address themost compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge yourposition.
相关习作句子或段落:
Additionally, as people vary in one society, the characters of a couple of people cannot delegate the  characters of the whole society.
老师点评:
这个点不太清楚
而且你没有回应可能的challenge
自己的思考和总结：
这个是首段的句子，也是没有回应题目指引。修改和上一个Issue一样，就是要提到反驳观点并解决这个问题。另外这道题在body段也是没有提到可能的challenge，因为后来内容改动了一些就不贴在这里了。
修改后：
People may argue that if role models are selected by the public, they will representthe society’s character. However, as many societies can share the same rolemodel, the characters of those heroes might not be unique to one society. Additionally,idols usually contain characters that common people do not have, which cannotreveal the character of a society.

--------------------------------


自己的思考和总结
总的来说这类错误在Issue里出现的比较多，没抓住题目的重点词以及没有回应指引的要求。Argument出现了一次对于指引理解不到位而造成的错误。感觉以后多加练习注意这个问题应该就不会出现这种本质错误了。

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

6/29, 7/22
Issue 78

People's attitudes are determined more by their immediate situation or surroundings than by society as a whole.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

----------------------------------7/22-----------------------------------------
没用安老师的范文写，还是写的之前提纲里的思路。之前的提纲老师没有改，但是还是想试一下能不能这么写。总共用了38分钟，因为换了些例子。而且写着写着会因为不知道咋解释就卡掉了。typo的话还是有4个。。。

Some people argue that people’s attitudes are mostly shaped by the society through a variety of means, such as education and media, while others state that people’s immediate surroundings like their families will determine their attitudes towards different issues to a large extant. From my perspective, whether the society or the surroundings impact a person more should depends on how old this person is. For small kids, their attitudes are mostly shaped by their immediate situation, i.e. their families; for students in primary or secondary schools, the society and their surroundings will influence them equally; for adults, their opinions are more likely to be determined by the society.
how old this person is- the age of the person简洁些吧
should后面应该跟动词原形
这个分类讨论我觉得挺好 要看下你后面怎么展开  


To begin with, as small kids spend their time mostly with their family members and do not have a lot of chances to contact with the rest of the world, their attitudes toward various problems are influenced by their families more. From the infants were born, most of their basic living skills, such as walk, speak, and write, were taught by their family members. When teaching infants those skills, it is likely that the attitudes towards different things will also instill to those kids’ minds. For example, when the parents are teaching their child how to ride a bike, the little kid may fall down sometimes. If the parents spoil the child and allow their kid to give up learning how to ride, this kid may not only never gain this skill, but may also get an attitude giving up when he or she is learning anything else.  

spend most of their time
since (from)
the attitudes towards different things will also instill 搭配  
我觉得你这段缺少一个更具体的中心 可能还是没有指出对什么的态度 直到最后才提到give up的问题 为时已晚  
你需要想一些更具体的例子

As children begin to study in schools, they have more opportunities to interact with the society but are still limited by their families, resulting in the society and their immediate surroundings to equally impact their attitudes. On the one hand, as students, children can meet plenty of schoolmates and can use the Internet to get more information from the society. For instance, they may start to watch TV episodes and discuss with their peers. In this case, they will form their own attitude towards fashion. On the other hand, they are still constraint by their families as long as they live with their family members. A serious coupon may not allow their kids to use drugs, or they may even take their kids to a higher-quality institute simply to avoid their kids to contact with any drug.  

are still limited by their families你这里limited的宾语是什么 搭配有问题  
attitude toward fashion需要更进一步展开  
constrained
coupon ？ parents?
家庭如何影响态度 没有说清楚  

For adults, either studying in colleges or working, their attitudes are more likely to be influenced by the society, as they have to intergrade into the large society rather than stay in their sweet homes. For instance, in order to make a living in the society, a person who has grown up in a family that do not care much about what to wear may start to pay attention to fashion. It is not hard to imagine the result if he or she wears a worn-out t-shirt to a job interview. Therefore, as adults need to care more about what the society think of them, they will try to have attitudes that the society accepts.

integrate
attitude towards the dress code
所以这里是在讲social expectation  

这段还可以


In conclusion, people’s attitudes will be shaped more by the society and less by their immediate situations as people growing up, because they are more independent from their families and more dependent on the assessment the society gives them.


----------------------------------6/29-----------------------------------------

构思加主题句得用了将近15分钟，想了半天怎么分类最后还是按年龄分的。不是很清楚这样能不能回应题目的consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true。。。

I disagree with the statement that the immediate situation has more impact on people’s attitudes than the society. In my perspective, whether the society or the surroundings influence a person more depends on how old the person is. For small kids, immediate situation, like their families, will influence more. For students in primary or secondary schools, their attitudes are shaped equally by the society and their surrounding. For adults, their opinions are more likely to determined by the society.

To begin with, as small kids spend their time mostly with their family members and do not have chance to contact with the world, their attitudes are shaped more by their families.
小孩子从出生开始学习的大部分生活技能都是家里人教的，走路说话吃饭之类的。而他们对待生活的态度也会在学习这些技能的同时灌输到他们的思想中。比如说对于运动的态度，如果家里人从小就喜欢带小朋友出去踢球爬山游泳，那么小孩子自然对于运动是积极的。而由于她不怎么接触社会，只要家里人经常带他去运动，就算大部分人都不爱运动也不能改变他的态度

As children beginning to study in school, they have the chance to get in touch with the society but still have to live in their homes, causing the society and the surroundings to have equally importance to impact children’s minds.
由于学生进入学校接触了很多同年龄的同学，他们会通过和同学的交流了解很多社会的趋势。比如他们会开始喜欢pop music，同学们在一起回去研究那些偶像比较流行哪些电视剧比较火，从而决定他们喜欢什么。然而由于他们没有钱也不能完全脱离开家庭，所以他们对于这些的喜好也受到家庭的束缚。比如喜欢古典音乐的家庭或许不会让孩子去玩死亡摇滚啥的

For adults, either study in universities or have employed, their attitudes are more likely to be influenced by the society, as they have to integrate into the large society rather than live a life in their sweet homes.
成人在经济上独立，也接触了更多的社会，家庭的影响可能会更少一点。反而由于他们需要立足于社会，更注重社会对他们的看法，所以大部分人会选择靠近社会的attitude。比如说在一个只注重学习成绩而不注重外表的家庭长大的人，为了能在社会立足，在找工作的时候是需要迎合社会的attitude而穿business formal而不是老旧的t和短裤。

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

6/30
语言反馈之一：断句

6/19
Argument 84
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=redirect&goto=findpost&ptid=1840058&pid=1779588462&fromuid=2888572


相关习作句子或段落:
Nevertheless, as more and more people come to the park, those amphibians might change their habit and only  go out for food at night, or even migrate to some more covert place, so that  the researchers in the second study could not observe all of the amphibians  in the park.
老师点评:
came
注意断句
自己的思考和总结：
一个句子里想写的东西太多
修改后：
Nevertheless, as more and more people came to the park, those amphibians might change their habit and only  go out for food at night, or even migrate to some more covert place; as a result, the researchers in the second study could not observe all of the amphibians in the park.




总结：总的来说断句的问题不是特别严重，但是我能感觉到自己有习惯把因果放在一个句子里，如果原因和结果都很长就会出现问题。。以后注意不要在一个句子内写太多内容，多用句号或者分号代替逗号。