dingchenchen-2015AW写作训练

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

tesolchina 发表于 2015-7-8 20:43
In natural science, there is no doubt that many results of research bring a more comprehensible un ...

哦，老师，我写的这句话的重点在应用上，而题目中的comprehensible 主要是在解惑上或understanding上——即以前不懂的（或以前理解错的）现在懂了，我的这个主旨句没有体现“解惑”或“加深理解”这个意思。因此发明电灯泡的那个例子不恰当，用自由落体加速下降比较好。
是吧老师？

谢谢老师~~~

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

issue 65  提纲
65) Every individual in a society has a responsibility to obey just laws and to disobey and resist unjust laws.  

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.


老师列出的提纲是：
Ts1：对于just laws应当遵守，因为这保证了所有人的个人的利益
Ts2：对于unjust laws也要遵守，因为这保证了国家的利益，使社会稳定
Ts3：对于unjust laws在遵守的同时要通过不违法的手段来促使政府作出改革。

对于老师对这篇写的范文我觉得以我的能力无法展开，因此还是按照上面老师给的提纲中的三类来写，每一类举个例子。

para.1	作用	内容点评	句子点评
Laws are enacted by government to maintain  society order and benefit its individuals, so we should obey laws no matter  that they are just or unjust.	表明just unjust都要遵守
Just laws that are accepted by entire society should be obey in  that they ensure all persons’ interests and benefit the whole society.	主旨句1
Though unjust laws may bring some problems for  a member of individuals, citizens should still obey these laws for the sake  of stability and proper operation of the society.	主旨句2
Meanwhile we can resort to ways within the  scope of legislations, surely not related to violence, to urge government to  revise unjust laws.	主旨句3
para.2
First of all, we should obey laws that  considered just by entire society as they ensure the interests and benefits  of each individual in society.	主旨句1：just的要遵守
例子：法律保障我们的财产权（property right）使个人财产不受侵犯；制定交通规则（traffic regulations），维护了社会秩序、保障了个人安全。
para.3
In addition, when the justice of some laws is questionable, people  should still obey these laws in order to maintain stability and proper  operation of the society.	主旨句2：unjust的也要遵守
例子：比如小孩未满6周岁不能上小学，给一些上半年出生的小孩入学带来了困难，这也造成了不公平。例子就举自己身边的，比如我一个6岁的cousin  sister Alice……
para.4
However, for unjust laws, we can express our protests by resorting  non-illegal ways to urge present government to consider this issue  seriously.	主旨句3：对于unjust的解决方案
例子：1）比如马丁·路德·金的例子，用非暴力的手段争取人权2）比如版权（copyright）问题，可以通过网络传播的方式反抗对版权的限制。

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

7-14同主题练习 Argument 32

Argument 32) The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.


这个argument的结论是we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour，目的状语employees will get adequate amounts of sleep和 to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity解释目的。主要的论据包括
——During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours.
——Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers.

你有计时么  

思路：
陈述事实——发现问题——解决方法
Fact: Q厂的事故率比P厂高，P厂的轮班时间短
Question: 疲劳导致事故
Solution: Q厂应减少轮班时间

Assumption:
1)因为P厂轮班时间短，因此P厂事故率比Q厂少30%
——Q厂人数多，Q厂的工作性质比P厂的危险
2）缩短轮班时间可以使员工睡眠充足
——有的人有时间不去睡觉啊，比如熬夜玩，做兼职
3）Q厂减少轮班时间可以减少事故（疲劳导致事故的发生）
——事故的发生可能由于新手的操作不当，工作的粗心，机器需要更新

全文（第一篇argument没有计时，下次开始计时）：

句子	作用	内容点评	句子点评
para.1
A vice president of Quiot Manufacturing recommends that work shifts should be shorted in order to reduce the number of accidents by giving workers adequate amounts of sleep.	提出结论		shortened
I argue that the assumptions mentioned in the statement should be reexamined carefully the relationships among the number of accidents, fatigue and sleep deprivation, adequate amounts of sleep.	质疑假设		I argue that ... 表达 整句结构有问题
para.2
To begin with, it is assumed that Quiot Manufacturing has 30% more number accidents than Panoply Industries plant as the work shifts are one hour shorter in Panoply than in Quiot.	提出假设1	这句话没有突出原因    比较一下我的句子- To begin with, it is assumed that the shorter work shifts for workers are the main reason why Panoply had 30% fewer accidents.
We cannot deduce that Panoply is safer than Quiot merely based on the data 30%.	举例1
It is possible that although the efficiency of accident at Quiot is lower than at Panoply, the number of accidents in former factory is more than in later as Quiot has more workers than Panoply.	其他的可能	你这里讨论没有回应主题句的假设   你到底有没有读范文啊	efficiency of accident 搭配 number-more 搭配
In this case, we  cannot make a conclusion that Quiot is less safe than Panoply.	总结假设1可能不成立
para.3
In addition, the assumption is doubt that work shifts may lead to fatigue and sleep deprivation in that there are other factors affect the inadequate amount of sleep.	假设2	整句话不知道在说什么	the assumption is doubt that严重表达问题
For example, some workers like staying up to watch TV until mid-night rather than go to bed early; some workers usually continue to do housework that they have no time to finish during daytime arriving home; some worker have to choose part-time jobs to earn more money as the salary of Quiot is insufficient to support their families.	具体的其他可能
Thus we need more information to indentify the cause and effect between work shifts and fatigue and sleep deprivation.	总结假设2可能不成立
para.4
The third assumption that the number of accidents can be decreased by shortening one hour in work shifts is not sound as some other factors can also cause accidents.	假设3	不能说assumption not sound 而要是指出assumption 然后讨论其他可能性
It is possible that tyros can make mistakes in operation more frequently than veteran workers, which may lead more accidents among tyros than veteran workers.	其他可能1
And careful workers may make less mistakes in operation than reckless workers who may have a high chance to get into accidents.	其他可能2
It is also possible that machines in Quiot need to be renovated or updated to improve safety in workplace and decrease accidents.	其他可能3
If fatigue and sleep deprivation can not directly lead to accidents, the recommendation should not be accepted.	总结假设3可能不成立
para. 5
In conclusion, we need more information about accidents in Quiot to clear the links among the number of accidents, fatigue and sleep deprivation and amounts of sleep in order to examine the warrant of this argument.	结论

语言表达问题非常严重
可能没有认真学习范文

************************************************************************************

7-16

今天计时写了一下这篇argument。

28mins

A vice president of Quiot Manufacturing recommended that work shifts should be shortened in order to reduce accidents with the belief that workers can get enough sleep by this measure. Many assumptions about the reason why cause accidents discussed above, the link among accidents, fatigue, deprivation of sleep and work shifts has to be reexamined in order to evaluate the argument.

To begin with, it is assumed that the main reason why there are 30% more accidents in Quiot than in Panoply is work shifts. There are many other reasons why accidents occurred in Panoply is fewer. For example, there might be more workers working in Quiot than in Panoply. Or working conditions in Quiot is more dangerous and have high risk of accidents. If more workers and more dangerous working conditions in Quiot are the main reasons leading to accidents, the proposed measure would no help reducing accidents in that it would neither change the size of Quiot or reduce the risk of danger in Quiot.

It is also assumed that the Quiot workers may get enough sleep and be more energy by shortening work shifts. This assumption has to be examined as there are other factors that may affect the amount of workers’ sleep. For example, the lifestyle of workers may lead to inadequate sleep, such as staying up to watch TV, hanging out with friends in bars until mid-night. Or some workers might have some part-time jobs as the salary is low in Quiot. If there are other factors lading to deprivation of sleep other than work shifts, the recommendation would not work to solve workers’ fatigue and deprivation of sleep.

The third assumption is that enough sleep can reduce accidents. Although workers get enough sleep and are energetic during work, the recommended measure would not increase safety in Quiot. There could be other factors that cause the occurrence of accidents. For example, workers may not get enough training and thus increase risk of accidents during operation. Or machinery in Quiot need to be updated in order to improve safe operation. If inadequate training and old machinery cause accidents, adopting measure recommended would have no help to reduce accidents.

To sum up, we need more information about why there are more accidents in Quiot, what factors caused accidents and how work shifts affects accidents in order to examine the assumption discussed above and evaluate the argument.

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

7-16日同主题练习  argument 87

argument 87 ） In a study of the reading habits of Waymarsh citizens conducted by the University of Waymarsh, most respondents said that they preferred literary classics as reading material. However, a second study conducted by the same researchers found that the type of book most frequently checked out of each of the public libraries in Waymarsh was the mystery novel. Therefore, it can be concluded that the respondents in the first study had misrepresented their reading habits.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.


用时：25mins

句子	作用	内容点评	句子点评
para.1
The author of this argument concluded that the respondents in  the first study had misrepresented their reading habits in that the type of  book most frequently checked out of each of the public libraries in Waymarsh  was mystery novel in the second study other than literary classics in the  first study.	总结题目中的观点		in that 改成 a s 可能好些 instead of比other than 在这里
We need more  information about the design of the first survey, library records and reading  habits of Waymarsh citizens to evaluate the argument.	提出需要的证据
para.2
To begin with, we need to reexamined the questionnaire of the  first study.	需要的证据1	主题句并没有概括需要收集的信息   回应题目要求不充分	reexamine动词形式
For example, it is important for a  questionnaire to have typical respondents sampled with appropriate proportion  of adolescents, adults and the old.	举例1		这句话的结构有问题 说法也有问题
If the survey was conducted in  university, there would be more information about young people and the  results of survey was not so convincing.	解释	和上一句不连贯
Moreover,  we need to know whether there was option mystery novel in questionnaire of  the first study.	举例2		there was option mystery novel表达有问题
If there was  no this option, it would be unfair that making a conclusion that Waymarsh  people had misrepresented themselves.	解释		句子结构有问题
para.3
In addition, it is necessary to get more information about  the records and other aspects of public libraries.	需要的证据2
For example, we need to know whether  there is a great amount of literary classics to be checked out from libraries  other than merely to read insides libraries.	举例1		other than merely to read insides libraries. 表达
If there was fewer  literary classics available to borrow, it might be no wonder that the records  of literary classics are not frequent.	解释		records  of literary classics are not frequent.搭配
And it is insufficient to conclude  that people prefer mystery novel to literary classics merely based on the  frequency.	举例2		it is insufficient to conclude  that 搭配 你不要瞎编句子行么
It is possible for some people to keep literary classics for  a long period, which may lead to less frequency in library records than  mystery novel.	解释		less frequency－ lower frequency
para.4
Finally, we need more information about reading habits of  Waymarsh people.	需要的证据3
Nowadays,  we have many convenient methods to get reading materials.	解释
People in Waymarsh could buy many  literary classics in local bookstores or online stores.	举例1
And it is available to get more reading materials about  literary classics to download e-books for free from the Internet.	举例2		it is available to get  表达 it指代的是后面的不定式 你觉得这样对么
If people were  used to buying literary classics or getting these e-books from online  resources, we perhaps would not get conclusion the author concluded from the  two studied.	解释		we perhaps would not get conclusion the author concluded 好吧 你的语言表达问题很严重 下周开始argument只写两段吧   抓紧时间订正
para. 5
To sum up, we  need more information about the design of the first study, library records  and the Waymarsh citizens' reading habits to see whether the respondents in  the first study have misrepresented their reading habits.	总结

=============================句     子      修     改==========================
谢谢老师详细的批改~我以后一定会谨记不要自己乱造句子

para.1

The author of this argument concluded that the respondents in  the first study had misrepresented their reading habits in that the type of  book most frequently checked out of each of the public libraries in Waymarsh  was mystery novel in the second study other than literary classics in the  first study.

in that 改成 a s 可能好些
instead of比other than 在这里

The author of this argument concluded that the respondents in the first study had misrepresented their reading habits as the type of book most frequently checked out of each of the public libraries in Waymarsh was mystery novel in the second study instead of literary classics in the first study.

Para.2

To begin with, we need to reexamined the questionnaire of the  first study.

主题句并没有概括需要收集的信息  回应题目要求不充分

reexamine动词形式

To begin with, we need to reexamine the design of the questionnaire in the first study.

For example, it is important for a  questionnaire to have typical respondents sampled with appropriate proportion  of adolescents, adults and the old.

这句话的结构有问题 说法也有问题

For example, to have representative respondents is necessary for the study.

If the survey was conducted in  university, there would be more information about young people and the  results of survey was not so convincing.

和上一句不连贯

If the survey was conducted in high schools or universities, the respondents would be predominantly young people and the old at Waymarsh would have been underrepresented in the study.

Moreover,  we need to know whether there was option mystery novel in questionnaire of  the first study.

there was option mystery novel表达有问题

Moreover, we need to know whether the questionnaire was designed to include all genres including mystery novel.

If there was  no this option, it would be unfair that making a conclusion that Waymarsh  people had misrepresented themselves.

句子结构有问题

If respondents were not given the option mystery novel, we could not conclude that they had misrepresented themselves.

Para.3

For example, we need to know whether  there is a great amount of literary classics to be checked out from libraries  other than merely to read insides libraries.

other than merely to read insides libraries. 表达

For example, we need to know whether there is a great amount of literary classics to be checked out from libraries.

If there was fewer  literary classics available to borrow than mystery novel, it might be no wonder that the records  of literary classics are not frequent.

records  of literary classics are not frequent.搭配

If there was fewer literary classics available to borrow, it might be no wonder that literary classics was infrequently checked out in library records.

And it is insufficient to conclude  that people prefer mystery novel to literary classics merely based on the  frequency.

it is insufficient to conclude  that 搭配 你不要瞎编句子行么

Thus we could not conclude that respondents preferred mystery novel as reading material.

It is possible for some people to keep literary classics for  a long period, which may lead to less frequency in library records than  mystery novel.

less frequency－ lower frequency

It is also possible for some people to keep literary classics for  a long period, which may lead to lower frequency in library records than  mystery novel.

Para.4

And it is available to get more reading materials about  literary classics to download e-books for free from the Internet.

it is available to get  表达 it指代的是后面的不定式 你觉得这样对么

And it is convenient for many people to get more reading materials about  literary classics by downloading e-books for free from the Internet.

If people were  used to buying literary classics or getting these e-books from online  resources, we perhaps would not get conclusion the author concluded from the  two studied.

we perhaps would not get conclusion the author concluded 好吧 你的语言表达问题很严重
下周开始argument只写两段吧  抓紧时间订正

So it is necessary for us to get more information about Waymasrsh people’s learning habits to evaluate the argument.

毉易-牧羊人UID: 3458186

dingchenchen 发表于 2015-7-1 19:45
ISSUE 13 7-15同主题练习
13) Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses  ...

浅评如下，不足之处，多多交流。

ISSUE 13 7-15同主题练习
13) Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

Nowadays, given the fact that versatile employees are more and more popular among employers, I agree with the statement that students should be required to take various courses in other fields of study. On (the) one hand, students can have different perspectives from other disciplines to improve knowledge of their own specialties.        On the other hand, graduates can develop their citizenships by taking courses outside their fields of study. Some may argue that it is useless for students who taking courses outside their major, say it does no good to their future careers; however, the opposite is true, the students could indeed practice their many skills by taking other fields of study and therefore it is good for their future careers.       

To begin with, by taking a variety of courses in other fields, students can gain different perspectives from these courses. Take the students in education for example. By taking courses in computer science and technology, students who major in education can learn latest technologies worldwide, which may improve their education level and be beneficial for their future teaching careers. Through courses on psychology, education students can learn more about how people learn and what factors could affect the efficiency of learning. Thus they can reexamine their majors from different angles and better understand their majors.

In addition, students can also become more responsible citizens and make informed decisions on social issues by taking courses in other fields. Students who specialize in arts and politics, for example, can better understand  how technologies has transformed the society we are living in and make good use of  them by taking courses in science technology. (例子是不是和上一段有部分重合？）Students in math and natural science can gain more political insights on debates and issues through courses in politics and history. Therefore it is helpful for a society to cultivate many well-educated people by the requirement proposed.       

Some people may argue that taking courses outside students' fields of study is useless and has no benefits to their career development.I would rather argue that students will have many  pros by taking a variety of courses in other fields. Taking writing in English, for example, this course can help students who major in science and politics to sharpen their writing as well as communication skills, which are necessary for effective communication in nearly any job they may take. Thus it is indeed beneficial for students who take courses outsides of majors.       

In conclusion, it is helpful for students' academic study, development of citizenship and careers by taking a variety courses outsides fields of study.

ally1213UID: 2948121

dingchenchen 发表于 2015-7-16 12:59
7-16日同主题练习  argument 87

argument 87 ） In a study of the reading habits of Waymarsh citiz ...

点评ARGUMENT 87

The author of this argument concluded that the respondents in the first study had misrepresented their reading habits in that the type of  book most frequently checked out of each of the public libraries in Waymarsh was mystery novel in the second study other than literary classics in the  first study. （断句） We need more  information about the design of the first survey, library records and reading  habits of Waymarsh citizens to evaluate the argument.

To begin with, we need to reexamined (reexamine) the questionnaire of the  first study. For example, it is important for a  questionnaire to have typical respondents sampled with appropriate proportion  of adolescents, adults and the old. (It is important that the survey covers all groups of people, including...) If the survey was conducted in  university, there would be more information about young people and the  results of survey was not so convincing. Moreover,  we need to know whether there was an option for mystery novel in questionnaire of (删除） the first study. If there was  no this option, it would be unfair that making a conclusion that Waymarsh people had misrepresented themselves. （If there was no such an option, it would be invalid to make the conclusion that ...)

In addition, it is necessary to get more information about  the records and other aspects (?)of public libraries. For example, we need to know whether  there is a great amount of literary classics to be checked out from libraries  (后半部分可删除）other than merely to read insides libraries. If there was fewer  literary classics available to borrow, it might be no wonder that the records  of literary classics are not frequent. And it is insufficient to conclude  that people prefer mystery novel to literary classics merely based on the  frequency. It is possible for some people to keep literary classics for  a long period, which may lead to less frequency in library records than  mystery novel. 我不太懂为啥keep literary classics for a long period人就借得少了。。

Finally, we need more information about reading habits of  Waymarsh people. Nowadays,  we have many convenient methods to get reading materials. People in Waymarsh could buy many  literary classics in local bookstores or online stores. And it is available to get more reading materials about  literary classics to download e-books for free from the Internet. If people were  used to buying literary classics or getting these e-books from online  resources, we perhaps would not get conclusion the author concluded from the  two studied （studies).

To sum up, we  need more information about the design of the first study, library records  and the Waymarsh citizens' reading habits to see whether the respondents in  the first study have misrepresented their reading habits.

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

dingchenchen总结.xlsx (52.74 KB, 下载次数: 11)

2015-8-2 21:37:47 上传

下载次数: 11
总结

第一周小结（7.19）：

我来大体上总结一下我上周的写作情况：

1、首先我最大的毛病就是写的句子语言表达问题太严重，词的搭配、断句、句子结构错误等，在以后的写作中要多模仿老师的句子，不要自己乱造句子，这样会慢慢有进步。

2、对于“1+3”模式我感觉粗略地还可以掌握，就是在首段把后文要写的三个部分都概括进去，然后分为三个中间段来写。但是这里面我的同意转换做得不好，有的时候找不到适当的句子做同意转换，显得很生硬。但是总体来说“1+3”模式我有了自己的结构。

3、由于我句子错误太多，老师建议我以后的argument只写两个中间段。在以后的写作中我要力图减少句子中的错误。

语言反馈：（错误的句子在相应楼层有改，这里选出比较有代表性的）

15楼：全文 ISSUE 15 （7.13）

Secondly,students study in majors chose for merely lucrative jobs lacking genuineinterest in them will hard to get excellent performance.

句子结构有问题

Secondly, students may have no interests in majors of fields that they have chosen for a lucrative career in future.

----------------------------------------------

There aremany other factors except for a good degree and solid major knowledge limitinga lucrative job, such as communication skills, interpersonal relationships andas well as an appropriate opportunity, which is also necessary to get ahigh-paid job successfully.

There aremany other factors except for a good degree and solid major knowledge limitinga lucrative job 整句话表达有问题
limit- job搭配不对

There are some other things necessary to get a lucrative job successfully besides solide major knowledge, such as communication skills, interpersonal relationships and appropriate opporpunities。

---------------------------------------------

Thereforethey may give up to get excellent performance easily, which may lead to poorcompetence to meet the requirement of future employers of lucrative jobs.

give upto get excellent performance easily 不懂你的意思

Thereforethey may end up with poor performances, which is clearly hard to meet therequirement of future employers of lucrative careers.

---------------------------------------------

Certainly,wealthy alumni can donate much money to university and meanwhile the universitycan have more room to improve itself by attracting more excellent teachers towork here and students to study here.

more roomto improve 这里用得不对

Certainly,wealthy alumni can donate much money to university and meanwhile the universitycan have better developments by attracting more excellent teachers to work hereand students to study here.

---------------------------------------------

19楼：全文 ISSUE 13 （7.15）

Given thefact that nowadays versatile employees are more and more popular amongemployers, I agree with the statement that students should be required to takevarious courses in other fields of study.

versatileemployees 什么意思popular？ sought after

Given thefact that the world is more and more competitive, I agree with the statementthat students should be required to take various courses in other fields ofstudy.

---------------------------------------------

On onehand, students can have different perspectives from other disciplines toimprove their specialties study

specialtiesstudy 搭配

On onehand, students can have different perspectives from other disciplines toimprove their major studies.

---------------------------------------------

On theother hand, graduates can develop their citizenships by taking courses outsidesfields of study.

主语不对 毕业生怎么takecourse, outsides

On the otherhand, students can develop their citizenships by taking courses outside fieldsof study.

---------------------------------------------

Throughcourses on psychology, education students can learn about how people learn andwhat factors affects the efficiency of learning. Thus they can reexamine themajors from different angles and better understand education majors they arelearning.

reexaminethe majors -搭配
understand majors 搭配
understand the issues in the field

Throughcourses on psychology, education students can learn about how people learn andwhat factors affects the efficiency of learning. Thus they can understand theirstudy in education better from different perspectives

---------------------------------------------

33楼：全文 argument 32 （7.14）

I arguethat the assumptions mentioned in the statement should be reexamined carefullythe relationships among the number of accidents, fatigue and sleep deprivation,adequate amounts of sleep.

I argue that ... 表达

整句结构有问题

Many assumptions about the reason why cause accidents discussedabove, the link among accidents, fatigue, deprivation of sleep and work shiftshas to be reexamined in order to evaluate the argument.
---------------------------------------------

To beginwith, it is assumed that Quiot Manufacturing has 30% more number accidents thanPanoply Industries plant as the work shifts are one hour shorter in Panoplythan in Quiot.

这句话没有突出原因 比较一下我的句子- To begin with, it is assumed that the shorter work shifts for workersare the main reason why Panoply had 30% fewer accidents.

To begin with, it is assumed that the main reason why there are30% more accidents in Quiot than in Panoply is work shifts.
---------------------------------------------

Inaddition, the assumption is doubt that work shifts may lead to fatigue andsleep deprivation in that there are other factors affect the inadequate amountof sleep.

theassumption is doubt that严重表达问题

In addition, it is also assumed that the Quiot workers may getenough sleep and be more energy by shortening work shifts.

---------------------------------------------

The thirdassumption that the number of accidents can be decreased by shortening one hourin work shifts is not sound as some other factors can also cause accidents.

不能说assumption not sound 而要是指出assumption 然后讨论其他可能性

The third assumption is that enough sleep can reduce accidents.Although workers get enough sleep and are energetic during work, the recommendedmeasure would not increase safety in Quiot. There could be other factors thatcause the occurrence of accidents.
---------------------------------------------

34楼：全文 argument 87 （7.16）

The author of this argument concluded thatthe respondents in the first study had misrepresented their reading habits inthat the type of book most frequently checked out of each of the publiclibraries in Waymarsh was mystery novel in the second study other than literaryclassics in the first study.

in that 改成 a s 可能好些
instead of比other than 在这里

The author of this argument concluded thatthe respondents in the first study had misrepresented their reading habits asthe type of book most frequently checked out of each of the public libraries inWaymarsh was mystery novel in the second study instead of literary classics inthe first study

---------------------------------------------

To begin with, we need to reexamined thequestionnaire of the first study.

主题句并没有概括需要收集的信息 回应题目要求不充分

reexamine动词形式

To begin with, we need to reexamine the designof the questionnaire in the first study.

---------------------------------------------

For example, it is important for a questionnaireto have typical respondents sampled with appropriate proportion of adolescents,adults and the old.

这句话的结构有问题 说法也有问题

For example, to have representativerespondents is necessary for the study.

---------------------------------------------

And it is insufficient to conclude thatpeople prefer mystery novel to literary classics merely based on the frequency.

it is insufficient to conclude that 搭配 你不要瞎编句子行么

Thus we could not conclude that respondentspreferred mystery novel as reading material.
---------------------------------------------

And it is available to get more readingmaterials about literary classics to download e-books for free from theInternet.

it is available to get 表达 it指代的是后面的不定式你觉得这样对么

And it is convenient for many people to getmore reading materials about literary classics by downloading e-books for freefrom the Internet.

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

2015/7/20  ISSUE 91

91) The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that they have more leisure time.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.  

我的语言问题比较大，因此只写了首段和中间第一段。

老师审题的思路是，把goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency和more leisure time分开来说明自己的立场的。并且对people进行了分类。
我在审题的时候也注意到可以把people分成几类，但是我把efficiency和more leisure time一起说的，也就是都同意，然后把人分成三类说的。不知道这样子可不可以？

计时：首段和中间段第一段12mins，写完之后自己又修改了一下。

para. 1	作用	内容点评	句子点评
I agree with the statement that the primary goal of technological  advancement should be to increase people’s efficiency so that they have more  leisure time.	表明观点
First, with latest technology students and researchers can increase their  efficiency on researches in order to address data in experiments in shorter period  of time.	主旨句1	这句里面没提到leisure time
Second, white-collar workers can work more efficiently with  technological advancement so that they have more leisure time to spend with  their families.	主旨句2
Finally, the older can also enjoy the efficiency and have more  leisure time brought by technological advancement.	主旨句3		elderly 不是older
para. 2
To begin with, technological advancement can increase efficiency  for students and researches in their studies.	主旨句1		researchers
Researchers and students in academic institutions or universities can  efficiently collect information, conducted researches and analyze data with  latest technologies.	解释
When students majoring in education address a great number of data, for  example, they usually use SPSS to analyze the underlying implications of these data  as the software SPSS has many functions to reveal the meaning of data  efficiently and then they could study further.	举例		address a great number of data搭配
Thus they can take relatively less time to finish a research and  have more time to do other things, such as conceiving another research or  having a rest.			a research project
As the example illustrates above, technological advancements can  increase efficiency for researches in their studies and bring them more  leisure time.	回应主旨句1

这段的语言表达还不错 比之前有进步 但是这段没有回应题目中的should 这是硬伤 我的范文这一点也做得不好


***********************************************************************************
谢谢老师的点评~
下面来订正：
First, with latest technology students and researchers can increase their  efficiency on researches in order to address data in experiments in shorter period  of time.
这句里面没提到leisure time
First, with latest technology students and researchers can increase their  efficiency on researches in order to address data in experiments in shorter period  of time and thus they have more leisure time to do other things.

Finally, the older can also enjoy the efficiency and have more  leisure time brought by technological advancement.
elderly 不是older
Finally, the elderly can also enjoy the efficiency and have more  leisure time brought by technological advancement.

To begin with, technological advancement can increase efficiency  for students and researches in their studies.
researchers
To begin with, technological advancement can increase efficiency  for students and researchers in their studies.


When students majoring in education address a great number of data, for  example, they usually use SPSS to analyze the underlying implications of these data  as the software SPSS has many functions to reveal the meaning of data  efficiently and then they could study further.
address a great number of data搭配
When students majoring in education need to analyze a great number of data, for  example, they usually use SPSS to analyze the underlying implications of these data  as the software SPSS has many functions to reveal the meaning of data  efficiently and then they could study further.

Thus they can take relatively less time to finish a research and  have more time to do other things, such as conceiving another research or  having a rest.
a research project
Thus they can take relatively less time to finish a research project and  have more time to do other things, such as conceiving another research or  having a rest.

老师说我的中间段第一段没有回应should，这个should应该回应呢?是不是应该在段首和段尾加上should？
下面试着修改一下——
中间段首段第一句：
To begin with, the primary of technological advancement should be increase as students and researchers can increase efficiency in their studies  and thus have more leisure time.

中间段首段最后一句
Thus they can take relatively less time to finish a research project and  have more time to do other things, such as conceiving another research or  having a rest. Therefore increasing efficiency should be the primary of the technological advancement.

bairongUID: 3607808

点评ISSUE91：三类人群完全是同意的观点，会不会显得有些单薄，体现不出批判性思维。别的没看出什么问题，我也是今天刚加入互改，看看王老师的点评，互相学习哈~~

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

7月21日 argument 54 同主题练习

argument 54) Humans arrived in the Kaliko Islands about 7,000 years ago, and within 3,000 years most of the large mammal species that had lived in the forests of the Kaliko Islands had become extinct. Yet humans cannot have been a factor in the species' extinctions, because there is no evidence that the humans had any significant contact with the mammals. Further, archaeologists have discovered numerous sites where the bones of fish had been discarded, but they found no such areas containing the bones of large mammals, so the humans cannot have hunted the mammals. Therefore, some climate change or other environmental factor must have caused the species' extinctions.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

前面写了两篇argument，分别是assomption和evidence， 今天写这篇argument 54感觉像evidence。如果不同意题目中的假设，那就要说出你的理由，在说理由的时候也就是陈述其他的可能性，最后说题目的假设可能不成立。

由于我上周练习语言问题严重，因此这次写了两个中间段。

计时27mins

句子	作用	内容点评	句子点评
para.1
The author of this argument argued that the main reason why most of large mammals species has been extinct is climate change or other environment factor instead of human’s arrival in the Island.	总结作者的观点
A number of assumptions have been made based on absent evidence of no any significant contact between human and mammals and no discovery of bones of large mammals.	作者观点的依据
We need more information about how human can influence the living of mammals and why there is no discovery of mammals’ bones in order to examine whether the argument is sound.	需要其他信息		examine - decide
para.2
To begin with, it is assumed that humans cannot be a factor in the species’ extinctions as there is no significant contact between human and mammals.	主旨句1	你对assumption的理解有问题 不是说将结论和理由复述一下就是假设
The activities of human can influence the living of mammals, though human didn’t contact mammals directly.	可能的情况	你这段提出的可能性应该是成立的 但是你的假设写得不对 应该是 it is assumed that human can only cause the extinction of the large mammals via direct contact. Yet, it is possible that the extinction was caused by human acitivities indirectly.
For example, people settling down the island must have searched for food to survive, if a certain food that is vital for human is rightly necessary or the only food suitable for mammals, the number of mammals may decrease gradually as this kind of food is more and more occupied by human.	举例		settle down in ... 　 断句 occupy选词 注意hedging
If this factor is the main reason leading to the extinction of mammals, human indeed caused mammals’ extinction though they did it indirectly.	总结
para.3
In addition, it is also assumed that human living in that Island have not hunted for mammals as archaeologists have not discovered any sites of mammals’ bones.	主旨句2	问题同上 你不能直接把结论或claim当成assumption
But many other factors can also lead to no discoveries of mammals’ bones.	说明还有其他的情况
For example, the bones of mammals’ that have discarded by human have been buried in deep sea floors as some parts of island can become sea floors with the decreasing of earth crust.	举例		注意hedging
If this case is possible, it is difficult for archaeologists to find mammals’ bones and thus it is not surprising that they have not found these bones.	解释
As the example illustrate above, we need more evidence to decide whether there are mammals’ bones left by human in the island.	总结
para.4
In conclusion, we need more information about the reason why a large number of mammals have been extinct and the absence of mammals’ bones in order to examine the soundness of the argument.	总结

你需要重新理解什么是assumption
***********************************************************************************
谢谢老师的详细点评~~

我发现我之前理解的assumption是不对的。我之前想只要把argument中的假设照抄下来就可以成为我中间段的主旨句，经过老师的指点，我发现不是这样的。
对于如何把assumption转换成中间段主旨句我还需要好好想想。

下面来订正句子：
We need more information about how human can influence the living of mammals and why there is no discovery of mammals’ bones in order to examine whether the argument is sound.
examine - decide
We need more information about how human can influence the living of mammals and why there is no discovery of mammals’ bones in order to dicide whether the argument is sound.

To begin with, it is assumed that humans cannot be a factor in the species’ extinctions as there is no significant contact between human and mammals.
你对assumption的理解有问题 不是说将结论和理由复述一下就是假设

你这段提出的可能性应该是成立的 但是你的假设写得不对

应该是 it is assumed that human can only cause the extinction of the large mammals via direct contact.

Yet, it is possible that the extinction was caused by human acitivities indirectly.

For example, people settling down the island must have searched for food to survive, if a certain food that is vital for human is rightly necessary or the only food suitable for mammals, the number of mammals may decrease gradually as this kind of food is more and more occupied by human.

settle down in ... 　

断句

occupy选词

注意hedging

For example, people settling down in the island must have searched for food to survive. If a certain food that was vital for human was rightly necessary or the only food suitable for mammals, the number of mammals may decrease gradually as this kind of food is more and more ate by human.

In addition, it is also assumed that human living in that Island have not hunted for mammals as archaeologists have not discovered any sites of mammals’ bones.
问题同上 你不能直接把结论或claim当成assumption
In addition, it is also assumed that the absence of discovery of mammals' bones means that people in the island have not hunted for mammals.

For example, the bones of mammals’ that have discarded by human have been buried in deep sea floors as some parts of island can become sea floors with the decreasing of earth crust.
注意hedging
It is possible that human indeed have hunted for mammals and left the bones of mammals and however archaeologists had not found the site of these bones. Maybe the bones discarded by human have been buried in deep sea floors as some parts of island can become sea floors with the decreasing of earth crust.

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

dingchenchen 发表于 2015-7-21 11:56
7月21日 argument 54 同主题练习
argument 54) Humans arrived in the Kaliko Islands about 7,000 years  ...

总体思路感觉很不错的，总结一下有几个问题，当然可能不一定都对哈
1. 因为说的是几千年前的extinction，是不是应该在描述过去的事情的时候用过去时呢？
2. 一些词性问题，比如第一段的other environment factor感觉应该是environmental
3. 断句问题，有的句子是run-on sentence，比如：
For example, people settling down the island must have searched for food to survive, （这里应该另起一句）if a certain food that is vital for human is rightly necessary or the only food suitable for mammals, the number of mammals may decrease  gradually as this kind of food is more and more occupied by human.
然后but不可以引导一整句话，可以用however之类的副词
4. 在叙述可能性些例子的时候要注意不要用肯定的语气，多用might，probably之类的词咯

加油咯！

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

7-22 同主题练习 ISSUE78

78)People’s attitudes are determined more by their immediate situation or surroundings than by society as a whole.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.  

审题：
这个是昨天的题目，昨天写了个大概，如今再来审题发现老师的写法有点小问题啊。我们来看，题目中问的是people’s attitude受谁的影响大，一个是immediate situation or surroundings， 另一个是society as a whole。主要的是那个whole，这个也是包括situation 或者surroundings， 只不过这里的影响是as a whole的。
我又想到老师之前说的，要回应关键词，那么这个whole也应该是关键词了，应该在文中体现。
我觉得体现这个whole应该在首段和末段把education、 mass media 、government policies算作一个整体。

society as a whole是指社会作为一个整体 因此不会包括situation 或者surroundings

不太明白你这里的问题是什么  

社会作为一个整体还是可以通过一些具体的机制来影响人们的态度

具体有问题可以再提出来  

计时： 28mins

句子	作用	内容点评	句子点评
para.1
I don’t agree that people’s attitudes are determined more by their immediate situation or surroundings than by society as a whole.	提出观点
In my opinion, through education, media and government policies people’s attitudes could be determined by society as a whole.	主旨句TS	这里最好强调一下 社会的影响更大
para.2
To begin with, education that is an important part of society can determine our attitudes.	主旨句1		as an important ...
Take the example of priority seating in public transportation.	举例
We are taught at the start of primary schools that we should give seats to people in need, such as little children, pregnant or disabled passengers.			handicapped
And thus we gradually have the awareness that we should help people when they need helps.			develop the awareness
At the same time, there are more and more buses and subways have priority seating to remind us to help others in need.		注意范文里还提到了 周围环境也会配合	there be 句型
Eventually, society changes our attitudes by education.	总结
para.3
In addition, our attitudes are also shaped by mass media that permeates nearly every place where we are living in.	主旨句2
With advertisements increasingly, we can see ads everywhere, such as on buses and subways or watching TV series.	举例
Meanwhile, the society makes shopping more convenient.
For example, we just need click several buttons in online stores to buy anything we want.
Gradually, we attitudes toward consumption change by kinds of ads and convenient services.			under the influence of ...
Thus society can change our attitudes by mass media.	总结
para.4
Finally, the society as whole may also determine our attitudes by government policies.	主旨句3		through
Our attitudes towards a certain event would gradually change from rejection to no rejection or even acceptance, when government makes this event legal.	解释
Take homosexual couples for example.	举例
Several years ago, gay relationship was opposed by many people and gays nearly had no courage  to claim for their rights in public.
However nowadays gay marriage becomes acceptable gradually in American and European as the governments have adopted policies towards this event recently.			adopted policies towards this event不懂你的意思
It is clear that our attitudes can also be changed by government policies.	总结
para.5
In conclusion, our attitudes can be influenced by education, mass media and government policies and society as a whole determines our attitudes.	总结全文

=======================修      改      句         子=====================
谢谢老师详细的批改~

In my opinion, through education, media and government policies people’s attitudes could be determined by society as a whole.

这里最好强调一下 社会的影响更大

In my opinion, through education, media and government policies people’s attitudes could be determined more by society as a whole than by their immediate situation or surroundings.

.

To begin with, education that is an important part of society can determine our attitudes.

as an important ...

To begin with, education as an important part of society can determine our attitudes.

We are taught at the start of primary schools that we should give seats to people in need, such as little children, pregnant or disabled passengers.

handicapped

We are taught at the start of primary schools that we should give seats to people in need, such as little children, pregnant or handicapped passengers.

And thus we gradually have the awareness that we should help people when they need helps.

develop the awareness

And thus we gradually develop the awareness that we should help people when they need helps.

At the same time, there are more and more buses and subways have priority seating to remind us to help others in need.

注意范文里还提到了 周围环境也会配合

there be 句型

At the same time, surroundings around us would also transform to be consist with our attitudes. Priority seats  are marked more and more in buses and subways in order to remind us to help others in need.

Gradually, we attitudes toward consumption change by kinds of ads and convenient services.

under the influence of ...

Under the influence of society as a whole, we attitudes toward consumption gradually change by kinds of ads and convenient services.

Finally, the society as whole may also determine our attitudes by government policies.

through  (through 和by有什么区别呢？)

Finally, the society as whole may also determine our attitudes through government policies.

However nowadays gay marriage becomes acceptable gradually in American and European as the governments have adopted policies towards this event recently.

adopted policies towards this event不懂你的意思

However nowadays gay marriage becomes acceptable gradually in American and European as the governments are open to this fact. And meanwhile there are some changes in industries for gay wedding.

（不知这样改是否可以）

毉易-牧羊人UID: 3458186

dingchenchen 发表于 2015-7-23 11:18
7-22 同主题练习 ISSUE78

78)People’s attitudes are determined more by their immediate situation o ...

我的理解是我们的态度是受我们周围的事情影响还是社会大环境的影响，当然都有，只是程度不同而已。社会大环境能影响周围的小环境，周围的小环境加起来也就是社会的大环境。总之看我们处的环境是什么。像eduaction, mass media as well as government 应该都是作为社会大环境来影响我们的态度，但是细化这三个要素，我们又可以发现这些要素也渗透在我们身边，我们也会被影响。这就要看我们怎么看待这个问题了。

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

7月23日同主题练习 argument 62

argument 62) The following appeared in a memo from the director of a large group of hospitals.

"In a laboratory study of liquid antibacterial hand soaps, a concentrated solution of UltraClean produced a 40 percent greater reduction in the bacteria population than did the liquid hand soaps currently used in our hospitals. During a subsequent test of UltraClean at our hospital in Workby, that hospital reported significantly fewer cases of patient infection than did any of the other hospitals in our group. Therefore, to prevent serious patient infections, we should supply UltraClean at all hand-washing stations throughout our hospital system.”

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

思路：

UC在实验室测得的杀菌能力比其他洗手液的杀菌能力多40%，采用UC洗手液的医院病人感染比他医院少，因建议医院都用UC洗手液。

Assumption:

1)因为UC洗手液在实验室测试出杀菌能力强，因此应使用在医院里

——实验室里测试有效并不代表在实际应用中有效，concentrated 的UC洗手液有问题。

2）手上的病菌可以导致患者感染，

——可能是患者个人习惯问题；

这里有一个推广的问题 你没有讨论  

3）UC洗手液可以减少患者患病

——由于该医院比其他医院的预防措施好，这个医院的医生护理得好

通过上面的分析，我知道了assumption跟题目中的证据是不同的，也不是题目中证据的同意转换。assumption也是证据想论证的结论，把这个找出来，然后说证据不能论证这个结论，因为还有其他的可能导致这个结果

。

计时：32mins

句子	作用	内容点评	句子点评
para.1
The director of a large group hospitals recommended that their hospitals should supply UltraClean at all hand-washing stations throughout their hospital system with the belief that UltraClean;s hand soaps can reduce more population of bacteria in hands and thus prevent patient infections.	总结题目中的观点
I argue that the assumptions mentioned in the statement should be reexamined carefully the relationships among the laboratory study, population of bacteria, patient infections and UltraClean hand soaps.	提出主旨句TS		the assumptions mentioned in the statement should be reexamined carefully the relationships among the laboratory study句子结构
para.2
To begin with, it is assumed that there would be the same effects as results in laboratory study when UltraClean hand soaps are applied to hospitals.	主旨句1		same effects of what
Although concentrated solution UltraClean produced a 40% greater reduction in bacteria population than did other liquid hand soaps used in the hospitals where the director works in, it does not mean that UltraClean would be as effective as in laboratory.	解释		as effective in the hospital
It is possible that UltraClean would be less effective than other liquid hand soaps when the UltraClean is diluted other than concentrated.	可能性
Thus UltraClean might not be so effective when we use it to wash hands and the recommendation should not be adopted.	总结		the recommendation should not be adopted.不能这么肯定  注意hedging
para.3
In addition, it is also assumed that the extra 40% bacteria could cause more patient infections in hospitals.	主旨句2	这个话反着说就不对了   而且你下面的内容跟这个主题句也关联不紧密 It is assumed that the use of Ultraclean soap is the main reason why the number of infection cases is smaller in Workby hospital
It is possible that the number of patient infections in Workby was always fewer than other hospitals in the hospitals system.	可能性
If the number of patient infections has no large fluctuation before and after the UltraClean was supplied in Workby, we could not conclude that the extra 40% bacteria is the main reason why there are fewer patient infections in Workby than in other hospitals.	解释	that the extra 40% bacteria (reduction) 你这里就假设了实验室的结果和实际使用的结果一样啊 那不就和你前面一段自相矛盾了么
It is clear that we need more information to determine whether more population of bacteria in hands can cause more patient infections.	总结
para.4
Finally, the third assumption is that UltraClean hand soaps could reduce the number of patient infections in hospitals.	主旨句3	serious这个词不能漏掉了
There are many other possibilities that can cause less serious patient infections.	解释		possible factors
It is possible that the conditions of Workby are very well with careful healthy services and developed facilities.	可能性		the conditions of Workby are very well with careful healthy services 句子结构
Or patients in Workby are less vulnerable than patients in other hospitals.	可能性	为什么 也许这家医院不做手术？
Thus if the UltraClean is not the main factor that reduces patient infections, the recommendation should not be accepted.	结论
para.5
In conclusion, we need more information about the laboratory study, bacteria population, patient infections and UltraClean hand soaps in order to examine the soundness of the argument.	总结全文

===========================修  改   句  子=============================
谢谢老师详细的修改~
I argue that the assumptions mentioned in the statement should be reexamined carefully the relationships among the laboratory study, population of bacteria, patient infections and UltraClean hand soaps.
the assumptions mentioned in the statement should be reexamined carefully the relationships among the laboratory study句子结构

However, we should reexamined carefully the relationship among UltraClean, serious infections, bacteria population and other liquid hand soaps used in the hospital system to determine the soundness of the argument.

To begin with, it is assumed that there would be the same effects as results in laboratory study when UltraClean hand soaps are applied to hospitals.
same effects of what
To begin with, it is assumed that there would be the same effects of reducing bacteria as results in laboratory study when UltraClean hand soaps are applied to hospitals.

Although concentrated solution UltraClean produced a 40% greater reduction in bacteria population than did other liquid hand soaps used in the hospitals where the director works in, it does not mean that UltraClean would be as effective as in laboratory.
as effective in the hospital
Although concentrated solution UltraClean produced a 40% greater reduction in bacteria population than did other liquid hand soaps used in the hospitals where the director works in, it does not mean that UltraClean would be as effective in the hospitals as in laboratory.

Thus UltraClean might not be so effective when we use it to wash hands and the recommendation should not be adopted.
the recommendation should not be adopted.不能这么肯定  注意hedging
Thus UltraClean might not be so effective when we use it to wash hands and the recommendation would be not helpful.


In addition, it is also assumed that the extra 40% bacteria could cause more patient infections in hospitals.
这个话反着说就不对了  
而且你下面的内容跟这个主题句也关联不紧密
It is assumed that the use of Ultraclean soap is the main reason why the number of infection cases is smaller in Workby hospital


If the number of patient infections has no large fluctuation before and after the UltraClean was supplied in Workby, we could not conclude that the extra 40% bacteria is the main reason why there are fewer patient infections in Workby than in other hospitals.
that the extra 40% bacteria (reduction)
你这里就假设了实验室的结果和实际使用的结果一样啊
那不就和你前面一段自相矛盾了么 (是的啊，原来前面反驳的假设这里是不能用的 啊， 我之前也在想这个问题，现在明白了。)
If the number of patient infections has no large fluctuation before and after the UltraClean was supplied in Workby, we could not conclude that more bacteria population in hands would casue more infections cases.

Finally, the third assumption is that UltraClean hand soaps could reduce the number of patient infections in hospitals.
serious这个词不能漏掉了
（再看老师的范文，发现老师的是假设是逐层深入的）
Finally, the third assumption is that UltraClean hand soaps could reduce the number of serious patient infections in hospitals.

There are many other possibilities that can cause less serious patient infections.
possible factors
There are many other possible factors that can cause less serious patient infections.

It is possible that the conditions of Workby are very well with careful healthy services and developed facilities.
the conditions of Workby are very well with careful healthy services 句子结构  
It is possible that the conditions of Workby are very well because there are careful healthy services and developed facilities.

Or patients in Workby are less vulnerable than patients in other hospitals.
　为什么   也许这家医院不做手术？
(我的意思又是表达不清，下面用老师的句子)

or perhaps the hospital has admitted fewer patients who are vulnerable to infection.

下面有模仿老师的范文写了一篇：

The director of a large group of hospitals recommended that they should supply UltraClean at all hand-washing stations throughout their hospital system in order to reduce serious patient infections with the belief that UltraClean can produce a greater reduction in the bacteria population than did the liquid hand soaps currently used in their hospitals. However, we should reexamined carefully the relationship among UltraClean, serious infections, bacteria population and other liquid hand soaps used in the hospital system to determine the soundness of the argument.

To begin with, we should check the assumption that the lab result of the UltraClean solution accurately reflects the performance of the hand soap in bacteria reduction in the hospitals. Although the UltraClean is superior in reducing bacteria in the lab, it does not follow that the UltraClean hand soap used in hospitals would necessarily have the same effects of reducing bacteria. Maybe the concentration of the UltraClean is higher in the lab samples and thus it could be superior than other liquid hand soaps. But the UltraClean may become less effective when it is used in washing hands. If the UltraClean is not effective in reducing the bacteria population, the recommendation may not be helpful.

In addition, it is assumed that the reduction of infection cases in the hospitals in Workby was really a result of using UltraClean. Maybe the hospitals has recently launched a campaign to teach hospital staff and patients to wash hands thoroughly which has helped reduce infection. Or perhaps the hospital has admitted fewer patients who are vulnerable to infection. If other factors have contributed to the reduction of infection cases, it may not matter which brands of hands soaps would be used to wash hands in hospitals.

Another important assumption is that further reduction in bacteria via hand washing will necessarily reduce the number of serious infection cases. As we all know, there are a great number of bacteria in our hands and it is not possible to wash away all of them.  Whether or not the extra 40% reduction in bacteria actually make a difference in infections control remains an open question. We need more information to determine the real cause of the serious infections. Thus we cannot simply assume that these cases were due to bacteria in hands.

In conclusion, it is difficult to confirm that UltraClean would effectively reduce the case of serious infections in the hospitals. We need more information about the cause of serious infections, the UltraClean samples in the lab and the situation of Workby to examine whether the argument is sound.

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

7月27日 同主题练习 issue 100

100) Colleges and universities should require their students to spend at least one semester studying in a foreign country.

Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.

看到这个题目我首先想到的就是同意题目中的观点，要分三种情况来写我同意的理由。
看了老师的范文后我才发现老师的分两种情况讨论，然后再提出了自己的意见。
那篇文章没有完全按题目要求来写，需要改。


23mins
  

句子	作用	内容点评	句子点评
para.1
With the society increasingly internationalized, I agree with the statement that students should be required by colleges and universities to spend at least one semester studying in foreign country.	表明观点
First, students can improve their academic study by studying abroad.	主旨句1
Second, students can also improve their ability to accommodate new surroundings.	主旨句2
Finally, students can improve their communication skills.	主旨句3
para.2
To begin with, students can develop their academic study when studying in a foreign country.	主旨句1		develop their academic study 意思不清晰
Even though students may have the same subjects in foreign schools as in native colleges, the values and thinking patterns of foreign teachers may be different and thus students would gain different perspectives.	举例1	你这个不是举例 只是在讲道理 需要例子啊	native colleges- local 选词 thinking patterns不懂
With different perspectives, students can be more critical in academic study to shape their views.
Maybe there are many advanced methods to conduct researches by latest technology which have not introduced to their homeland.	举例2	这个也是道理 不是例子
Therefore, students could reexamine their study to refine the research plans with new angles.
As I illustrate above, it is clear that studying in foreign country can improve students’ academic study.	总结
para.3
In addition, by studying abroad students can improve the ability to accommodate new surroundings.	主旨句2		new environment 选词
When they study abroad, they have to be accustomed to the living environment and learning environment.	解释主旨句
They must change their living habits and studying habits to adopt the foreign language environment as soon as possible in order to adopt the new school.			adapt in order to study effectively ...
Taking Chinese students as example. They may change eating habits to accommodate bread and milk instead of rice and Chinese dishes.	举例
Next time when they are in another new situation, they would be as soon as possible to accommodate surroundings.	解释
The ability of accommodation is also important for students when they work in future.	总结		accommodation选词
para.4
Finally, students can improve their communication skills by studying abroad.	主旨句3
In class, they have to communicate with their classmates and professors when they are discuss issues or make academic reports.	举例		they are discuss动词用法
In daily life, they have to communicate with their neighbors in order to understand each other well in different culture.	举例
Or perhaps they need to communicate more with their classmate or join in activities in order to accommodate the new culture as soon as possible.	举例
The more the students communicate, the more fluent their foreign language would be.
At the same time, their communication skills will improve and this ability  is important for their future career development.	结论
para.5
In conclusion, it is beneficial for students to develop their academic study, accommodate new situations and improve communication skills by studying abroad.	总结全文

=============================句    子    修      改=========================
首先谢谢老师的批改~这篇文章我还需要大修，这里先把句子修改一下。

para.1

To begin with, students can develop their academic study when studying in a foreign country.

develop their academic study 意思不清晰
（改为gain more perspectives in academic research 可以吗？）
To begin with, students can gain more perspectives in academic study when studying in a foreign country.

Even though students may have the same subjects in foreign schools as in native colleges, the values and thinking patterns of foreign teachers may be different and thus students would gain different perspectives.

native colleges- local 选词

thinking patterns不懂

Even though students may have the same subjects in foreign schools as in local colleges, the values of foreign teachers may be different and thus students would gain different perspectives.

para.3

In addition, by studying abroad students can improve the ability to accommodate new surroundings.

new environment 选词

In addition, by studying abroad students can improve the ability to accommodate new environment.

They must change their living habits and studying habits to adopt the foreign language environment as soon as possible in order to adopt the new school.

adapt

in order to study effectively ...

They must change their living habits and studying habits to adapt the foreign language environment as soon as possible in order to study effectively at the new school.

The ability of accommodation is also important for students when they work in future.

accommodation选词
The ability of adapting new environment is also important for students when they work in future.

In class, they have to communicate with their classmates and professors when they are discuss issues or make academic reports.

they are discuss动词用法
In class, they have to communicate with their classmates and professors when they discuss issues or make academic reports.