dingchenchen-2015AW写作训练

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

dingchenchen习作贴


授权声明：
本人为寄托UID: 3602968的持有人，现通过本论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本人的所有习作及互改记录
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本人基本信息：
英语背景：考研英语61；
考试记录：暂无；    GRE考试时间：2015年8月29日
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游客，本帖隐藏的内容需要积分高于 100000 才可浏览，您当前积分为

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

练习目录



03楼：全文   之前第一篇ISSUE （未批改）
04楼：全文   之前第二篇ISSUE （已批改）
08楼：提纲   ISSUE 122（6.18）（已批改）
         全文   ISSUE 122 （8.5）（已批改）
14楼：提纲  ISSUE 59 （6.22）（已批改）（已修改第一段）
         全文   ISSUE 59 （参照范文，自改全文）
15楼：全文  ISSUE 15 （7.13）（已批改）已修改
16楼：提纲   ISSUE 34 （6.23） （未批改）
17楼：提纲   ISSUE 57 （6.25） ）（已批改）
         全文   ISSUE 57（8.4）（已批改）
19楼：全文 ISSUE 13 （7.15）（已批改）（已互评）已修改
20楼：提纲 ISSUE 7 （未批改）（参照王老师范文）
23楼：提纲 ISSUE 62 （参照互评）
26楼：提纲 ISSUE 113 （参照王老师范文）
29楼：提纲 ISSUE 33 （已批改）（已修改）
32楼：提纲 ISSUE 65 （未批改）
33楼：全文 argument 32 （7.14）（已批改）（已互评）已修改
34楼：全文 argument 87 （7.16）（已批改）（已互评）已修改
37楼：第一周小结 （7.19）
38楼：全文 ISSUE 91 （7.20）（已批改）（已互评）已修改
40楼：全文 argument 54 （7.21）（已批改）（已互评）已修改
42楼：全文ISSUE78 （7.22）（已批改）已修改
44楼：全文 argument 62 (7.23) （已批改）已修改
45楼：全文ISSUE 100 （7.27）（已批改））已互评
46楼：全文 argument 100 (7.28) （已批改）已修改
47楼：全文 issue 105 (7.29) （已批改）已修改
50楼：全文 argument 32 (7.30) （已批改）已修改
52楼：全文 argument 135 （8.6）(已批改）已修改
56楼：全文 argument 166 (8.10)  (未批改)




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相关链接：
2015年AW暑期同主题练习总帖(5月25日正式开锣，欢迎加入）:https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1826310-1-1.html

GRE作文6分教学博客https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1777232-1-1.html

系统点评issue的框架https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... ge=22#pid1779514671

GRE作文四大关卡https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1830872-1-1.html

issue的6种题型及基本布局套路https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... age=4#pid1778934728

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

我之前写了两篇ISSUE，这是第一篇，等以后熟悉了老师的写作模式了之后再来修改。
如果大家有时间可以帮忙看下哦~~谢谢啦~



Issue:
It is impossible for an effective political leader to tell the truth all the time. Complete honesty is not a useful virtue for a politician.

Practice Writing 1:
Politician may, in some circumstances, not be telling the truth, but this does not follow that honesty is not a useful virtue for a politician.

Politician has to avoid to divulging secret facts, relating to a country’s interests and safe, to other country’s politician. Politician always stands for special party, organization or country and there is no inter-organization politician. Thus they must shun some facts involving with benefits of organization. In some degree, keeping secret to these facts is their duty. Politician should be judicious and diplomatic to deal with some tough tasks, especially when some foreign politicians want to pry some important information from them.

Otherwise which told above can’t make it valid/reasonable that complete honesty is not a useful virtue. First, most citizens believe that honesty is a very important virtue. Politicians, as members of citizens, surely should comply with moral rule. People can not accept a fact that politician they have voted is a fraud. Even in political stage, politician must be honesty. Falsehood will be exposed sooner or later, how can you gain credit then? And politician relationship will break up, which will bring notoriety not only to the politician himself, but also to the country. Second, that politician may not be telling the truth does not mean to lie. There is no necessary relationship between them. A politician can evade a sensitive question by many means, such as being muted or sidetracking to a lighter topic, other than being dishonest. Dishonesty goes against morality. Once a politician lies to public, no matter out of which intention, he will be condemned by people. Third, an effective political leader and politician are entirely different; the logic between the first sentence and the following is not coherent. Politician includes more members than political leader, and members of effective leader are a smaller part of politician leader. We can’t enlarge the special event to the common. Finally, honesty is a rule of morality. We can’t simply judge it by whether it’s useful or useless. Morality rules are regularities we should obey to keep an ordered society. Usefulness and uselessness are relative. Some may think that garbage clarification is useless for them; even think that to do this squanders their energy and time. But garbage clarification is very useful for garbage disposal, or in long run, environment protection and people’ health.

A competent politician is honest to his country and civics, loyal to his vocation. Meanwhile, he can solve emergency dexterously and wisely.

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

这是第二篇。
以后就按照王老师的方法来写了。这个留到以后再改。

内容反馈

回应题目关键词与遵循指引
1+3模型的运用
主旨句与主题句内容是否合适
有没有举例和例子是否恰当
中间段展开及例子的解释是否充分
段落过渡、句子衔接与肯定度的调整  

语言反馈

语言反馈
恰当的断句
选词与搭配问题
句子结构与语法问题
指代不明或缺乏限定范围
意思模糊不明觉弱



Claim: we can usually learn much more from people whose views we share than from those whose views contradict our own.
Reason: Disagreement can cause stress and inhibit learning.
正文：
Whether some mutually shared ideas can make people learn more from each other is quite a personal matter. We cannot simply say that sharing is better than contradiction or state conversely. Learning or not depends on one’s attitude toward knowledge.


回应题目关键词与遵循指引： 没有回应disagreement
1+3模型的运用：主旨句没有看到三个point  
主旨句与主题句内容是否合适： 主旨句不合适；没有清晰的层次



It is true that disagreement can cause stress and sometimes inhibit our learning, and as a result we might learn more from people whose views we share than from those views contradict our own. Anyhow, people are at least easier to accept and understand each other when they find them sharing the same ground in one view. And being agreed by others meets our gratification. Just like when you want to buy something, meanwhile someone happens to sell what you want. You two can immediately make consensus and be friendly to each other. Thus it comes very naturally that you learn form each other in pleasure air. Moreover with agreements of others we can reaffirm our views and be more confident, which encourage us to do better. Under leisure circumstance, though our views have slight different, we can easily to change our former views a little to adapt common comfort. On the contrary, we may be reluctant to change the opposite views toward others’ and fail to learn, if we were under conflict situation.


主题句内容是否合适：  不合适-你基本上还沿用先让步再反对的写法 而不是分类或者分不同的角度讨论
有没有举例和例子是否恰当：关于买东西的例子完全离题
中间段展开及例子的解释是否充分：
段落过渡、句子衔接与肯定度的调整  

选词与搭配问题： Under leisure circumstance完全不知道你在说啥

Nonetheless although stress may be produced when we discuss hotly, this stress is not necessary to inhibit our learning. Our mind under slight stress can be more active than in calm. Which resembles that a flock of fish swims leisurely in a pool with secure surroundings, they are in a state of idleness. Suddenly an enemy intrudes into them, they are extremely active to avoid being food of him, using any method to achieve that goal. When human meet challenges, them also seek for strategies to overcome the troubles. At the same time, when we find ways to defend our own views, our mind can became smarter and more prudent. Besides, when we have contradiction, there is a chance to learn a means different from our previous thinking pattern. Under this circumstance, we should be free from prejudice and try to consider one viewpoint in the position of others. Thus we may have an entirely new angle that we never try, and we can be more eclectic and improve your comprehensive capacity. It’s an exciting experience that you can solve one problem by different methods. In addition, factors affect our learning results (or learning effect) are diverse, such as learning motivation, talent, endeavor, interests, and so on. What is the most important for one’s learning is determination to learn, not others’ agreements or disagreements, which are subordinate comparing with one’s resolution.



Actually, if we really make up our mind to learn, we can learn form either agreements or disagreements. Therefore we should have a positive attitude toward learning. Maybe there is stress upon us when we have conflict opinions, but we can overcome negative feelings and change our thinking pattern by which we also can learn more.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

dingchenchen 发表于 2015-6-17 10:17
我之前写了两篇ISSUE，这是第一篇，等以后熟悉了老师的写作模式了之后再来修改。
如果大家有时间可以帮忙看 ...

这篇貌似老G的题目？ 没有写作指引？

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

dingchenchen 发表于 2015-6-17 10:19
这是第二篇。
以后就按照王老师的方法来写了。这个留到以后再改。

你可以今天开始写issue 122

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-18 05:52
这篇貌似老G的题目？ 没有写作指引？

老师，有本书是李建林的《新GRE写作5.5》，我刚开始是按照上面的大纲来写的。我今天开始练习ISSUE的提纲，按照老师的“1+3”模式来写。谢谢老师！

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

issue 122

122) The best way to understand the character of a society is to examine the character of the men and women that the society chooses as its heroes or its role models.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

para.1	作用	内容点评	句子点评
I do not agree that the best way to understand the character of a  given society is to examine the character of heroes or its role models in the  society.	表明观点
First, these elite figures are selected to spread a set of  values or ideas by authorities cannot stand for the characters of ordinary  people.	主旨句1：英雄不代表普通人		句子结构 你能看出来有问题么
What’s more, in consideration of heroes and role models in  different culture, we can find that many of them are shared with same noble  characters.	主旨句2：不同社会的英雄可能具有相同特征		不太明白这句话的意思  以及和题目的关联
Some people may argue that proposed method is easier and more  economic than any other approaches.	挑战
I would argue that we can understand the character of a society  effectively and reliably by analyzing ordinary people’s information based on  big data.	回应		based on  big data这个说法不对
para.2
It  is often the case that heroes and role models are chosen by authorities to  propagate noble ideology to benefit institutions they stand for.	主旨句1		noble ideology搭配
For example, Leifeng was so obliging and he was nearly always  ready to help anyone else in trouble at any time regardless of his own  benefits.	举例：雷锋	歪果仁不知道雷锋 你得给些背景信息
Finally he was handpicked by president as an exemplary role  model to serve others and the Communist Party of China altruistically.
While  all people gave high praise to Leifeng and appreciate his character of  helping others selflessly, few people could really do the same as what  Leifeng did.	解释：普通人不能像雷锋一样
From this example of Leifeng, we can know clearly that it is  unreliable to understand a society by examining role models picked up by  authorities.	总结
para.3
In addition, there are the same characters praised highly by  people in different societies, such as altruism, integrity, kindness and  bravery.	主旨句2	你的意思是某些特征是跨文化的
Bethune, for example, was  a Canadian and helped to operate on Chinese injured soldiers during the war  that Japan invaded China.	举例：白求恩	helped to operate on Chinese injured soldiers 这里不用说得太细 就说provide medical services就ok
Unfortunately,  he dead during the war as he was infected by a certain illness and the cure  of him was ineffective.
Bethune,  who was altruistic and sacrificed his all life to save people's life, was  highly praised by Chinese government and Canadian government for his noble  spirits.	解释：被两国都赞赏
Therefore we can not understand a given society’s characters by  studying characters of heroes as these different societies were shared with  same characters.	总结		these different societies were shared with  same characters表达
para.4
Some people may argue that proposed method is superior to other  approaches as it is economic to collect materials of heroes or role models.	挑战
However if we Consider the swift development of Internet and  convenient computer software, we could find that it is easy to trace as many  as ordinary people’s behaviors to analyze characters of a society.	主旨句3
For  example, we can collect information in popular social networking sites where  there are millions of people by specialized software application.	举例
Thus we can collect people’s information effectively and get  more reliable data than the proposed method.	总结
para.5
In  conclusion, we cannot understand the character of a society by examining the  character of the men and women in that these heroes and role models selected  by authorities cannot represent ordinary people.	主旨句1
And  elites in different culture might share with common characters.	主旨句2
And elites in different societies might share with common  characters. Moreover the best way to understand the character of the society  is to collect information and to analyse data by computers.	主旨句3

第一、三中间段写得还不错 中间那个没写清楚 估计有点难度 不如换一个点来写
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issue 122 提纲
关键词：the best way, character of a society, heroes or role model

TS：
In order to understand the character of a society deeply, it's important to examine different-class people widely because of the complex constitutions of a society. If we compare a socitey different-class people with a pyramid, the heroes or role models that the society chooses are at the top of the pyramid. Thus the number of them is small. They stand for people's the hightest standard  or reflect noble expections of a society which most civilians cannot achieve that level. So we can'y simply equal the character of heroes or role models with the character of a society.  There are some famous or rich people who are at the high-level of the society pyramid.  Although the number of them is surely smaller comparing the whole number of a society, they also can reflect some aspects of the character of a society. The rest number of society is a large part and it's necessary to analyse the character of them in order to understand the character of the society.

你的这一段内容有点混乱 也没有含三个分论点的主旨句


ts1:
The heroes or role models that the society chooses can reflect some aspects of character of society.

ts2:
People who are at high-level status can also reflect many aspects of character of society.

ts3:
The rest people of society ,having large numbers, can reflect more than the two kinds of people mentioned above.

对于题目的理解，我找出的关键词是：关键词：the best way, character of a society, heroes or role model。

感觉这个题目太难写了，我开始的时候就只想用二分法：一个是heroes和role model只能代表charater of society的一部分；另外的是普通人，这部分人更能代表charater of society。但是按照王老师的“1+3”，我能想到的是上面那几点。我能感觉到我写的是惨不忍睹。。。。。

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2015-6-19

参看了Kssandra和王老师的范文、“issue的6种题型及基本布局套路”，我对“1+3”模式有了更深入的认识。
我上面的提纲没有就题目中的观点提出自己赞同或反对意见，没有设置可能出现的不同意见。借鉴一下老师范文中的观点来补充一下我的提纲：

我不同意题目中的观点。
首先，heroes and role models的人数非常少，只能反映出某个社会的某些方面的character。（理由1）   这算同意还是不同意呢 你是说不够全面么  
其次，heroes and role models体现的精神是高于现实的，很少人能够达到这个高度，因此不能代表一个社会。（理由2）这个点还可以
最后，可能会有人说，研究heroes and role models是最经济的，但是现在可以用互联网和软件，能够进行大量数据分析。（这个是王老师范文中的）（对可能出现的反对意见做出回应）  

作为初入门的同学，这道题确实太难。建议直接借鉴范文用自己的话来写。
下周开始做快速练习并总结第一周的练习，你可以把第一周的题目重新写一下。
语言表达的问题也比较大  
慢慢来吧

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

dingchenchen 发表于 2015-6-18 20:15
issue 122 提纲

122) The best way to understand the character of a society is to examine the chara ...

已回复

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-19 22:49
已回复

谢谢老师！老师，我按照表格的形式写了下ISSUE122的全文。以后写也按照这个表格的形式写。做表格好费劲啊……

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

dingchenchen 发表于 2015-6-21 19:26
谢谢老师！老师，我按照表格的形式写了下ISSUE122的全文。以后写也按照这个表格的形式写。做表格好费劲啊 ...

如果你在Excel里做的话 好像还比较方便
然后再贴过来
应该不是那么难 你可以加我微信 ID同寄托

lin89UID: 3629869

每天坚持学习。。


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dingchenchenUID: 3602968

lin89 发表于 2015-6-22 05:42
每天坚持学习。。

加油！

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

issue 59  快速练习

Scientists and other researchers should focus their research on areas that are likely to benefit the greatest number of people.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

这个属于六种写作套路中的第3类“评估具体情况下某建议是否可取”，写作模式为The recommendation is advantageous when condition A is met because …The recommendation is not desirable when conditions B or C are met because …

下面进行快速提纲：（本次用时50分钟，从开始写道写完。龟速啊……不过还是写完了：））
It’s meaningful that scientists and researchers focus their research on areas that are likely to benefit the greatest number of people. Thus most of people will enjoy these benefits, which can also push progression of a society. Nevertheless it’s vital as well to pay attention to research on theories, which may benefit few people excepting for a group of scientists. Scientists and researchers can relatively easily make breakthroughs working for their love research. Moreover though some researches benefit few people, these are still very important for a country to enhance army power.

push progression选词搭配
你的主旨句还是存在互相矛盾的问题 前一句同意这句话 后一句又不同意 你并没有限定在什么情况下同意或者不同意
你后面的主题句也是按这个思路写的 所以就呵呵了


哦！谢谢老师啦！我才发现我所有的ISSUE都存在这个问题！我需要好好改改！

To begin with, it’s significant for scientists and researchers to focus research that are likely to benefit the greatest number of people. To maintain a secure and affluent, scientists and researchers have duty to do their best to benefit most of citizens. 例子是袁隆平的杂交水稻不仅造福了中国，更解决了世界上人口大国吃饭难的问题。

However it’s also important for scientists and researchers to pay much attention to theories of science, which may be difficult to benefit people immediately but maybe set milestones on the progresses of humankind. 例子是牛顿定律和爱因斯坦的相对论。虽然这些没有给人们带来即使的利益，但是这在科学发展史上还是非常重要的。

Moreover some researches on weapons are significant as well for a country, because as long as your country has powerful weapons, this country will have an important status on international stage. 例子是举核武器

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看了同学们的例子，发现一个比较好的例子：弗莱明由于对医学的兴趣而发现了青霉素；然后还有对一些疾病的治疗。




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2015.6.23
老师的评语真是一语惊醒梦中人啊！我才发现我这一直以来写的都有这个毛病！谢谢老师啦啊！我下面把的第一段修改一下：


Whether scientists and researchers should focus on research fields that are likely to benefit the majority of people depends on different circumstances. Scientists belonging to biologics, specially to agriculture research, should benefit the greatest number people, because their researches relate to yield and security of food. Otherwise scientists belonging to physic science and medical science should be allowed to study some researches that just may benefit the minority people. But these is also important for progresses of humankind.

(自认为这段写得还可以。谢谢大家的点评~~~~)


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2015-6-28
真是每次写每次都不一样啊。这次参考了王老师的范文写的。

句子	作用	内容点评	句子点评
para.1
While scientists and researches are a small group of elites with  many resources available and ability to study many problems concerning pure  knowledge or development of humankind, it is unfair to require all of them to  focus their research on areas that are likely to benefit as many as  people.	提出观点
For scientists and  researches who pursuit knowledge of nature, even though their research  results only attribute to progress of special fields rather than benefit the  greatest people, these results are vital for the development of science  theories.	主旨句1
And social scientists also need to fight for  the egalitarian benefits of the majority of vulnerable group as ordinary  people.	主旨句2
But for researchers in engineering and  technology, they may set their research goal as for benefiting the greatest  number of people.	主旨句3
para.2
To begin with, it is unreasonable for natural scientists focusing  on knowledge of nature to require them do some researches that benefit most  of people in that these results can make further understanding of nature and  the world we are living.	主旨句1
For example, Newton’s  laws may have no insignificance in people’s daily life as these laws wouldn’t  make people’s life easier after they know these laws than before, but they  are indeed revolution in physics because they are basic laws for objects’  movements and important parts of classical physics.	举例1
Thus we cannot deny these scientists’  remarkably contributions just as these results do not benefit people as many  as possible.	总结
para.3
Social scientists’ researches concerned with  minority people of vulnerable group are necessary for the belief of  egalitarian.	主旨句2
People belong to  vulnerable groups are fragile and sensible comparing with ordinary group, and  they also need equal respect and understanding as most ordinary people.	解释
Take researches on homosexuality for example,  the number of people involved into relationship like this is small, but it is  worthy to study this issue in that everyone has equal rights to live as they  love as long as he makes no noxious behaviours to society and obeys  laws.	举例1
We can clearly conclude that it is also  important to study on researches related benefits of minority people belong  to vulnerable groups.	总结
para.4
Nevertheless, researchers in engineering and  technology should make their efforts on benefiting as many as people in that  their works are utilitarian.	主旨句3
For example, network engineers make their efforts as much as  possible on enlarging the coverage of network to make more people available  to Internet.	例子1
As a result, gaps of information because of  different districts and economy can be diminished.	解释
Another example is Yuan Long-Ping, who created  hybrid rice, have solved the shortage of rice worldwide by improving yield of  crop in an acre in biological approach.	例子2
Therefore it  is necessary for scientists in engineering and technology to work for  benefits of majority of people.	总结
para. 5
In conclusion, whether scientists and researchers should focus on  research fields that are likely to benefit the majority of people depends on  different circumstances.	提出观点
Scientists and researches in natural science and social science  can do researches for minority of people, but scientists in engineering and  technology should consider about benefits of majority of people.	主旨句1+2+3

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

ISSUE15

15) Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

2015-7-13同主题练习ISSUE 15

观看范文的启发：

1）“1+3”的精华之处是主题句（TS）和主旨句（ts1,ts2,ts3）相互呼应，而呼应的关键就是同意转换，同意转换的方式有变换句式结构（比如主谓语互变，reason why……is that……，）。同意转换其实在全篇的布局构思中都有用到，结尾的时候其实也是要用同意转换来重申自己的观点。可以用把单句和成一句的方法，但是要注意断句。

2）让步的句子除了even though 和although之外，还可以用“Maybe……。But……。”这个句式，这个还有个强调的作用。让步还有个作用是在没有例子的时候，纯叙述的时候，让步在增加字数的同时还可以使论证更加有力。para2和para3都用到了让步来再次强调各段的主题句。

3）回应关键词。关键词是可以反复提到的，同时可以用lucrative的同义词来替换。反复回应题目中的关键词可以预防偏题。如果想不到很多同义词，可以就用这个词吧？

4）学会用长句子，学会断句，学会用分号。

5）对于一些肯定性语句可以从多因素方面来否定这个话，比如para2中的话。

用时37mins，还是有点慢……
好希望这篇能符合老师的要求啊……

para 1.	作用	内容点评	句子点评
I completely disagree with the statement that educational  institutions should encourage students to choose fields of study preparing  them for lucrative careers.	表明自己的观点	直奔主题 ok
Firstly,  almost no major in a given field can guarantee students lucrative careers in  future.	主旨句1
Secondly, students study in majors chose for merely lucrative  jobs lacking genuine interest in them will hard to get excellent performance.	主旨句2		句子结构有问题
While educational institutions are willing to cultivate students  in lucrative fields for future wealthy alumni, they may not reach this goal  by encouraging them to study in lucrative fields.	主旨句3
para 2.
To begin with, students can not smoothly get a high-paid job  after graduation merely because they study in a lucrative field.	主旨句1		cannot
There are many other factors except for a good degree and solid  major knowledge limiting a lucrative job, such as communication skills,  interpersonal relationships and as well as an appropriate opportunity, which  is also necessary to get a high-paid job successfully.	解释主旨句：有其他因素制约		There are many other factors except for a good degree and solid  major knowledge limiting a lucrative job 整句话表达有问题 limit- job搭配不对
Maybe choosing a lucrative major can increase the chance to get  a good job, but students may not get a lucrative work as wished if they  failed to equity with some other ability mentioned above.	让步假设，强调主旨句		as wished? equity with? 这种表达问题很严重
It is clear that encouraging students to choose a lucrative  field to study can not really prepare for a lucrative job in future.	总结主旨句	内容是按我的范文来写的 但是语言表达问题很多
para 3.
Moreover, the fields of study that students chose just for  lucrative jobs may not the field where their interests lie in.	主旨句2
Without genuine interests, students may pay little attention to  subjects they are learning and easy to be expressed by difficulties that are  inevitable in study.	解释主旨句		easy to be expressed 不懂你的意思
Therefore  they may give up to get excellent performance easily, which may lead to poor  competence to meet the requirement of future employers of lucrative  jobs.	进一步解释主旨句		give up to get excellent performance easily 不懂你的意思
Although they get a well-paid job luckily, it meaningless for  them to work without passion and interests. In this sense it is doubt that  whether the job is really lucrative for them.	让步假设，强调主旨句	和上句连贯有问题
para 4.
However, some people may argue that educational institution can  cultivate more successful alumni by encouraging more students to choose  lucrative field to study, I would argue that the institutions may not achieve  this goal by this means.	主旨句3		断句问题
Certainly, wealthy alumni can donate much money to university  and meanwhile the university can have more room to improve itself by  attracting more excellent teachers to work here and students to study here.	解释主旨句前半句     的假设		more room to improve  这里用得不对
Nevertheless, what is failed to recognized is that students can  no get that successful and wealthy job if they are lack some necessary  factors to lucrative jobs.	解释主旨句的观点		is failed
para 5.
In conclusion, it is a misleading to encourage students to  choose fields of study to prepare future lucrative jobs in that no field can  ensure students a lucrative career and studying in a major without interests  may lead to ordinary or even bad performance no mention to a lucrative jobs.	主旨句1+2		a misleading what?

大部分问题都是语言表达的问题

谢谢老师的点评~~~~
我再次看这些句子时也发现了问题，多数是句子结构不清晰，还有搭配问题。我把有问题的句子整理了一下。（几乎全篇句子都有问题啊……）

有问题的句子	修改	评价
para.1
Secondly, students study in majors chose for merely lucrative jobs lacking genuine interest in them will hard to get excellent performance.	Secondly, students may have no interests in majors of fields that they have chosen for a lucrative career in future.
para.2
There are many other factors except for a good degree and solid  major knowledge limiting a lucrative job, such as communication skills,  interpersonal relationships and as well as an appropriate opportunity, which  is also necessary to get a high-paid job successfully.	There are some other things necessary to get a lucrative job successfully besides solide major knowledge, such as communication skills, interpersonal relationships and appropriate opporpunities.
Maybe choosing a lucrative major can increase the chance to get  a good job, but students may not get a lucrative work as wished if they  failed to equity with some other ability mentioned above.	Maybe choosing a lucrative field to study can increase the chance to get a well-paid job, but it is necessary to gain somethings mentioned above for students to finally get a job with high income.
para.3
Without genuine interests, students may pay little attention to  subjects they are learning and easy to be expressed by difficulties that are  inevitable in study.	Without genuine interests, students may pay little attention to  subjects they are learning and easily be depressed by difficulties that are  inevitable in study.
Therefore  they may give up to get excellent performance easily, which may lead to poor  competence to meet the requirement of future employers of lucrative  jobs.	Therefore  they may end up with poor performances, which is clearly hard to meet the requirement of future employers of lucrative careers.
para.4
However, some people may argue that educational institution can  cultivate more successful alumni by encouraging more students to choose  lucrative field to study, I would argue that the institutions may not achieve  this goal by this means.	However, some people may argue that educational institution can  cultivate more successful alumni by encouraging more students to choose  lucrative field to study.
Certainly, wealthy alumni can donate much money to university  and meanwhile the university can have more room to improve itself by  attracting more excellent teachers to work here and students to study here.	Certainly, wealthy alumni can donate much money to university  and meanwhile the university can have a better developments by  attracting more excellent teachers to work here and students to study here.
Nevertheless, what is failed to recognized is that students can  no get that successful and wealthy job if they are lack some necessary  factors to lucrative jobs.	Nevertheless, what is neglected in the reasoning is that students may not became that successful and get lucrative careers if they are lack real interests in the fields of study.
para.5
In conclusion, it is a misleading to encourage students to  choose fields of study to prepare future lucrative jobs in that no field can  ensure students a lucrative career and studying in a major without interests  may lead to ordinary or even bad performance no mention to a lucrative jobs.	In conclusion, it is a misleading that encouraging students to  choose fields of study to prepare future lucrative jobs in that no field can  ensure students a lucrative career and studying in a major without interests  may lead to poor performances no mention to a lucrative jobs.

************************************************************************************
提纲为：

ts1:I don’t agree this opinion because I think that interests are more important than money. We can work more easily and happily having jobs we love. 这个里面没有例子
ts2: how to choose jobs that are suitable for us is also very vital. 这个是用丘吉尔炒股失败的例子
ts3:The encouragement of educational institutions is a little harmful in some degree, in that more people take part in one field, more competitive the field will be.这是用赚钱的领域和不赚钱的领域相互转化的例子


全文用时1h27mins



经过王老师和雲靉玥的指点，我终于知道如何做表格啦啊！（不要勾“纯文本”）谢谢喽~~~~现在把它粘下来：

句子	作用	内容点评	句子点评
para。1
Nowadays there are many educational institutions to build up.	叙述题目
Meanwhile more and more students choose to go  to one or more educational institutions to improve themselves as supplement  of school education.	叙述题目
Some people believe that  educational institutions should encourage their students to choose promising  domains for lucrative careers.	陈述题目的观点
I don’t agree this opinion because I think that interests are more  important than money.	提出反对意见+主旨句1
We can work more easily and happily having jobs we love.	解释主旨句1
Besides how to choose jobs that are suitable for us is also very  vital.	主旨句2
If we work very diligent but  gain little or make little progression, which really frustrates us.	解释主旨句2
Some people may argue that educational institutions should  encourage their students to choose lucrative fields as careers in that why  they hope children to go to study at famous universities is to get a  high-salary job in future.	可能的反对意见
But I double this encouragement whether ensure students to get  lucrative jobs finally. Because more people join in one career, more  competitions are.	主旨句3
para。2
Educational institutions shouldn’t actively encourage students to  choose lucrative field as careers.	主旨句1
The encouragement will mislead students to choose wrong jobs.	解释1
It’s surely important to earn more money,  but what is more important than money is interest.	解释2
Assume that you work everyday but you hate your  jobs, how can you be happy?	反证1
If you don’t like your jobs, how can you  make excellent performances?	反证2
Will you feel stressed, if you make mistakes several times because  of your carelessness?	反证3
Maybe you will have mental disorders if you are under this  circumstance in long run.	总结例子
Thus we should consider interests firstly when to find jobs. It’s  wonderful and lucky that your lucrative career happens to meet your  interests.	总结主旨句1
para.3
Finding a job suitable for you is vital as well because that you  can make more progressions in short time, which can enhance your confidence  and you may do better.	主旨句2
One person is suitable for a job, but he may not suitable for the  other.	解释
Take Churchill for example, who was president of England and very  famous as politician in history.	例子
One day he found that a friend of him, who was a share broker, earned much money in stocks.
Then he wanted to buy some stocks to earn money like his  friend.
And he bought some stocks and autonomously  decided to buy or sell stocks he held.
Finally  he lost much money rather than earned.
But under his friend’s smart arrangement in advance, Churchill got  back his money that he had spent in stocks.
We can learn from this story that a person may be good at one  field but may be not good at the other and therefore choosing a job suitable  is very important.	总结主旨句2
para.4
The encouragement of educational institutions is a little harmful  in some degree, in that more people take part in one field, more competitive  the field will be.	主旨句3
At the same time, some field ill-pay now will be lucrative in  several years.	解释
This kind of phenomenon is usual that cold  fields and hot fields are changeable in turn.	举例
The reason is that people increase in  lucrative now, and few people choose fields that are not so lucrative like  former.
However several years later, there are abundant employees in  lucrative fields years ago, so these fields will be less profitable.
In stead, because demand of employees is less than supplement,  thus cold fields years ago will became lucrative.
para. 5
In conclusion, I don’t support that educational institution should  encourage students choose lucrative careers.	提出观点
I believe that interest is  very important for one’s life in long run.	主旨句1
And  finding a suitable job is vital as well.	主旨句2
Two factors above are what one should consider when to find a job  other than merely money.
Also one field that too many people choose may cause fierce  competition, which may change a lucrative field into a less profitable field.	主旨句3
Thus students should think twice in finding jobs.