dingchenchen-2015AW写作训练

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

7月28日 同主题练习-argument 100

100)The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
Jazz music is extremely popular in the city of Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Also, a number of well-known jazz musicians own homes in Monroe. Nevertheless, the nearest jazz club is over an hour away. Given the popularity of jazz in Monroe and a recent nationwide study indicating that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment, a jazz music club in Monroe would be tremendously profitable.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

先按照老师前面的那个方法来分析：
Claim: Jazz music club in Monroe would be tremendously profitable.
Data 1: popular-- over 100,000 people attended Monroe’s annual jazz festival last summer, highest-rated radio program ‘Jazz Nightly’ airs every weeknight
Data 2: a number of well-known jazz musicians own homes in Monroe
Data 3: the nearest jazz club is over an hour away from Monroe
Data 4: nationwide study indicate that jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment.

Assumption:
1)the people who attended Monroe’s jazz festival last summer would also join in jazz club.
2)People in Monroe would listen the ‘Jazz Night’ when this radio program airs every weeknight
3)A number of well-known jazz musicians who own homes in Monroe would join the jazz club that would be built by author’s group.
4) people would join the jazz club in Monroe other than the jazz club that is over one hour away from Monroe.
5) Monroe jazz fan would spend much money in the new jazz club built by author’s group and thus the club would be tremendously profitable.
列完上面的我怎么发现假设怎么这么多呢？那么在写的时候是不是要选几条出来写呢？

我看了老师的范文后，发现，其实我的分类并不科学。前面老师在上周五的假设中经常做的事情是把假设按照对象来分，那么我也可以根据那个原则来把上面的五个假设分为三类：
1) jazz is popular among Monroe people
Radio program, over 100,000 people attended Monroe’s annual jazz festival last summer, a number of well-known jazz musicians own homes in Monroe

2)More people would join in new jazz club
people would join the jazz club in Monroe other than the jazz club that is over one hour away from Monroe.

3) jazz fans would spend much money in jazz club
the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment


35mins (时间有点长。。。。)

句子	作用	内容点评	句子点评
para.1
The author applied for a small-business loan with the belief that a jazz music club in Monroe would be tremendously profitable	概述题目的观点
There are a great number of assumptions assumed by the author in order to illustrate that the jazz club in Monroe would really be profitable.			assumptions made by 选词
However, we should reexamine the assumptions carefully to see whether the argument is sound.	TS
para.2
To begin with, it is assumed that jazz is popular among Monroe people.	主旨句1	it is assumed that jazz is popular among Monroe people given the facts presented 主题句不太合适 或者 内容不完全
The author illustrated several facts to prove that jazz is popular, such as over 100,000 people attended Monroe’s annual jazz festival last summer, highest-rated radio program ‘Jazz Nightly’, many jazz musicians owning homes in Monroe.	解释		such as后面不能跟从句啊
Nevertheless, we need to know if the people who joined the Monroe’s annual jazz festival last summer really love jazz and often join in other activities related to jazz, whether people who listen the radio program ‘Jazz Nightly’ really like this program, whether the jazz musicians who live in Monroe usually work in Monroe city and enhance the prevalence of jazz in Monroe.	质疑	这句话太长了 而且你没有提出其他的可能性 比如他们可能只是暑假出来活动活动 也许换成古典音乐节也同样受欢迎
Therefore we need more information to evaluate whether jazz is really popular in Monroe.	总结
para.3
In addition, it is also assumed that there would be more people join the club built in Monroe instead of the club that is over one hour away from Monroe.	主旨句2		there would be more people join the club built  句子结构
There are many other factors that affect people to choose which jazz club to join in, such as facilities in the clubs, the quality of jazz brands and the distance from their homes.	解释
If the instruments in the new jazz club built in Monroe is worse than other clubs, many people may choose other jazz clubs to join in though there is a long distance.	可能		instrument? facilities 选词
Thus we need to know more about the criteria that people choose jazz club and the condition of the new club to determine whether there are more people to join in Monroe jazz club other than jazz clubs in other cities.	总结
para. 4
Finally, the author assumed that the new jazz club built in Monroe would be profitable.	主旨句3	这个假设还是在复述结论啊
We cannot deduce that the new jazz club would be tremendously profitable as the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment nationwide.	解释		based on the fact that .. .
This study clearly is nationwide other than a special study about jazz fans in Monroe.	可能		other than a special study about jazz fans instead of a study ...
Thus it is possible that typical jazz fan in Monroe spends in jazz entertainment far less than $1,000 per year.
Even though the typical jazz fan may spend about $1,000 per year in jazz entertainment, they might spend these money in other cities other than in Monroe.	可能
Therefore the new jazz club may not be tremendously profitable as the author argued.	总结
para.5
In conclusion, we need more information about whether jazz is really popular among Monroe people and how jazz musicians affects the prevalence of jazz in Monroe, Monroe jazz fans’ standards to choose jazz clubs, how much money typical jazz fan in Monroe spends in jazz entertainment per year to determine the soundness of the argument.	总结

===========================句         子         修           改====================
灰常感谢王老师的批改~

下面来修改句子：
para 1

There are a great number of assumptions assumed by the author in order to illustrate that the jazz club in Monroe would really be profitable.

assumptions made by 选词
There are a great number of assumptions made by the author in order to illustrate that the jazz club in Monroe would really be profitable.

para 2
这一段我想把所有的三个数据都用上，因此就写得比较糟，我只用一个数据

To begin with, it is assumed that jazz is popular among Monroe people.

it is assumed that jazz is popular among Monroe people given the facts presented 主题句不太合适 或者 内容不完全
To begin with, it is assumed that there are so many people who love jazz in Monroe as that over 100,000 people attended Monroe’s annual jazz festival last summer and that the radio program ‘Jazz Nightly’ is highest-rated.

把这段后面的内容补齐：
Maybe some of the people who took part in Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer was from other cities or they just had a trip here. It is also possible that more people would join in the Monroe's annual classical festival if this activity sponsored by Monroe city. And the reason why 'Jazz Nightly' is the highest-rated radio program might be that people in Monroe could just listen to few music raido programs and 'Jazz Nightly' is the best program. Thus there might not be so many Monroe citizens love jazz.


para.3

In addition, it is also assumed that there would be more people join the club built in Monroe instead of the club that is over one hour away from Monroe.

there would be more people join the club built  句子结构

In addition, it is also assumed that there would be more people who parcitipated in the club built in Monroe instead of the club that is over one hour away from Monroe.

If the instruments in the new jazz club built in Monroe is worse than other clubs, many people may choose other jazz clubs to join in though there is a long distance.

instrument? facilities 选词
If the musicial facilities in the new jazz club built in Monroe is worse than other clubs, many people may choose other jazz clubs to join in though there is a long distance.

para.4

Finally, the author assumed that the new jazz club built in Monroe would be profitable.

这个假设还是在复述结论啊
哈，谢谢老师，我发现问题了，有的时候自己写着写着就忘了。。。还是不熟练
Finally, the author assumed that there would be more jazz fans to spend much money on the new jazz club built in Monroe.

We cannot deduce that the new jazz club would be tremendously profitable as the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment nationwide.

based on the fact that .. .

We cannot deduce that the new jazz club would be tremendously profitable based on the fact that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment nationwide.

This study clearly is nationwide other than a special study about jazz fans in Monroe.

other than a special study about jazz fans

instead of a study ...

This study clearly is nationwide instead of a study about jazz fans in Monroe.

-------------------------
第二段的句子虽然我没有再要了，但是句子问题还是要改一下：

The author illustrated several facts to prove that jazz is popular, such as over 100,000 people attended Monroe’s annual jazz festival last summer, highest-rated radio program ‘Jazz Nightly’, many jazz musicians owning homes in Monroe.

such as后面不能跟从句啊
我好像发现了我的问题，我本来后面想跟名词性短语的，有的短语写错了比如over 100,000 people attended Monroe’s annual jazz festival last summer应改为over 100,000 people who attended Monroe’s annual jazz festival last summer，highest-rated radio program ‘Jazz Nightly’应改为highest-rated ‘Jazz Nightly’，many jazz musicians owning homes in Monroe应改为many jazz musicians who own homes in Monroe.
不知道这样对不对，反正以后不冒险写这样的句子了，such as后面就跟明明白白的名词

Nevertheless, we need to know if the people who joined the Monroe’s annual jazz festival last summer really love jazz and often join in other activities related to jazz, whether people who listen the radio program ‘Jazz Nightly’ really like this program, whether the jazz musicians who live in Monroe usually work in Monroe city and enhance the prevalence of jazz in Monroe.

这句话太长了 而且你没有提出其他的可能性 比如他们可能只是暑假出来活动活动

也许换成古典音乐节也同样受欢迎

谢谢老师的提醒，这些我真的没有想到，谢谢~这一句我选了两个方面并改成上面的几句话了

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

7月29日 同主题练习 issue 105

105） Claim: Imagination is a more valuable asset than experience.
Reason: People who lack experience are free to imagine what is possible without the constraints of established habits and attitudes.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.

这样的题老师之前说过，可以把claim和reason合成一句话：

Imagination is a more valuable asset than experience, because that people who lack experience are free to imagine what is possible without the constraints of established habits and attitudes.

这道题分情况讨论，是另一种分情况，就是在某种情况下同意题目中的观点，但是在另一种情况下不同意题目中的观点。

刚开始想分三种情况，但是后来只想到了两个领域，art 和science，但是我觉得在情况自己想不出来的情况下，可以多补充例子。因此在art中我举了两个例子：梵高的两幅画；在science中举了一个例子：爱因斯坦相对论，本来也想举两个，但是看着字数够了。

不知道这篇文章怎么样。。。。每次交作业都有种诚惶诚恐的赶脚。。

41mins (严重超时。。。主要是查单词和想句子耽误时间)

句子	作用	内容点评	句子点评
para .1
Some people hold the idea that imagination is more valuable asset than experience, because that people who lack experience are free to imagine what is possible without the constraints of established habits and attitudes.	题目中的观点		because后面不能跟that  搭配 不能照抄原题的句子  　 asset前面要有a
However, I argue that whether imagination is more valuable asset than experience depends on in which fields people work.	我的观点		depends on in which fields 句子结构
For the field of art, imagination is more valuable than experience; for scientists, experience is more valuable than imagination.	主旨句1+2
para. 2
To begin with, in the field of art imagination is more important than experience.	主旨句1
In other words, art is a creative work that need more imagination in order to make excellent and impressed artworks.	解释
Take Van Gogh as example. Van Gogh, a famous post-impressionism painter, created many famous paintings, such as Sunflower and The Starry Night.	举例
There are fantastic imaginations in his paintings which are almost impossible to observe by experience.	解释例子		There are fantastic imaginations in his paintings 不懂你的意思
In the painting Sunflowers, each sunflower has different performance and the petals of sunflower also various.	例子1		the petals of sunflower also various搭配
Some flowers spread out with weaving petals as if they were full of enthusiasm and energy, some flowers bow their head as if they were sad.	描述例子
These different states of flowers painted by Van Gogh may be painted with Van Gogh’s happiness or unhappiness, and they are different from the sunflowers that grow in soil.	解释例子		may be painted with Van Gogh’s happiness or unhappiness不懂你的意思
Take his another painting The Starry Night as example.	例子2
In this painting, the starry night is also different from what we can observe in daily life. The milk way is distorted with  whirlpools and detached like clouds.	描述例子
Maybe these different images reflect his moods.	解释例子
His painting is abstract and filled of imaginations, which are necessary for a great artist.	总结例子
Thus imagination in art is more important than experience.	总结本段	这段有些细节写得不错 但是并没有很清楚的解释imagination对于创作的意义   我觉得这个要写好挺难的 艺术类的例子 我建议尽量避开
para. 3
However, though imagination is also important in science, experience plays a more vital roles than imagination in the development of science.	主旨句2
The development of special theory of relativity, for example,also needs some imaginations.	举例
Einstein has imaged that what might happen if he could gain the same speed as light and he finally create the special theory of relativity by discreet deduction based on fundamental physical knowledge.	描述例子		imaged 选词
If Einstein simply imaged about the situation flying with light without reasonable support from physics, his work just like fictions without experience other than science that must base on reliable and scientific reasoning.	解释例子	经验在这个例子里的作用并不明显
But Einstein went further like other excellent scientists, and he ultimately built special theory of relativity and later built general relativity which are milestones in the development of physics science.
para. 4
In conclusion, whether imagination is more important than experience depends on the fields in which people are working.	再次表明观点
While imagination is more important than experience in art, experience is more important than imagination in science.	总结

.

总的来说我觉得这篇文章的两个例子都不太好写 你并没有很清楚的写出imagination和experience的重要性 梵高的例子还可以改一下 相对论建议直接换掉

=============================修        改==============================
谢谢老师的批改~

这篇文章我还是要看老师的范文，确实难……
这篇作文需要重写，还是先改句子：

para.1
Some people hold the idea that imagination is more valuable asset than experience, because that people who lack experience are free to imagine what is possible without the constraints of established habits and attitudes.
because后面不能跟that  搭配
不能照抄原题的句子
asset前面要有a （我现在知道issue中不能照抄原文中的句子。。。）
Some people hold the idea that imagination is a more valuable asset than experience as established habits and attitudes constrain imagination.

However, I argue that whether imagination is more valuable asset than experience depends on in which fields people work.
depends on in which fields 句子结构
However, I argue that whether imagination is more valuable asset than experience depends on the fields people work in.

para.2
There are fantastic imaginations in his paintings which are almost impossible to observe by experience.
There are fantastic imaginations in his paintings 不懂你的意思
His paintings are fantastic with images that are  almost impossible to observe by experience.

In the painting Sunflowers, each sunflower has different performance and the petals of sunflower also various.
the petals of sunflower also various搭配
In the painting Sunflowers, each sunflower has different performance and the petals of sunflower are in different shapes.

These different states of flowers painted by Van Gogh may be painted with Van Gogh’s happiness or unhappiness, and they are different from the sunflowers that grow in soil.
may be painted with Van Gogh’s happiness or unhappiness不懂你的意思
(就是花的形态代表了画家的情感)
These different states of flowers painted by Van Gogh might represented Van Gogh’s happiness or unhappiness, and they are different from the sunflowers that grow in soil.

这段有些细节写得不错 但是并没有很清楚的解释imagination对于创作的意义  
我觉得这个要写好挺难的 艺术类的例子 我建议尽量避开
嗯，我发现了。老师一般不提倡写艺术方面的例子，因为一般情况我们写不好。下次注意避开艺术。

para.3
Einstein has imaged that what might happen if he could gain the same speed as light and he finally create the special theory of relativity by discreet deduction based on fundamental physical knowledge.
imaged 选词
Einstein has fantasied that what might happen if he could gain the same speed as light and he finally create the special theory of relativity by discreet deduction based on fundamental physical knowledge.

牛奔奔UID: 3232412

dingchenchen 发表于 2015-7-29 11:47
7月29日 同主题练习 issue 105

105） Claim: Imagination is a more valuable asset than experience.

楼上的同学~你好，我试着评一下哈~有不对的地方欢迎指出~

首先你的语句有一些表达的问题：

• However, I argue that whether imagination is more valuable asset than experience depends on in which fields people work. -> I argue that whether imagination is a more valuable asset than experience depends on in which fields people work.depends on the type of fields in which people work, depend on sth.
• In the painting Sunflowers, each sunflower has different performance and the petals of sunflower also various. -> the petals of sunflower are also various.
• filled of imaginations -> filled with imagination
  

然后关于主旨的话，虽然你非常详细的描述了梵高的两幅画，但感觉论证还是弱了，只是说明了他的画有想象力，但是并没有论证为什么想象力就比经验好，因为题目说的经验constrain了想象力，感觉如果支持论点说想象力重要的话就应该用例子论证这个论点。这里举了两幅画，可是两幅画都没有提到这个点。

然后说科学的话， para 3, 第一句和第二句有点自相矛盾，既然你说science中，experience重要，下一句紧跟着又说science中又需要imagination，让人有confused的感觉。同样的道理，这段也没有论述到为什么expeience比Imagination重要，因为在爱因斯坦的这个例子里， 感觉你同时强调了两者的重要性，但是并没有论证两者的关系或者谁比谁更重要。

只是我自己的一点想法哈~欢迎交流！

ytfteggwUID: 3599229

dingchenchen 发表于 2015-7-28 11:58
7月28日 同主题练习-argument 100

100)The following was written as a part of an application for a s ...

你好~~我浅评一下，因为我自己内容写的也不是很好，有什么错误的地方欢迎指出来，互相学习！！

The author illustrated several facts to prove that jazz is popular, such as over 100,000 people attended Monroe’s annual jazz festival last summer, highest-rated radio program ‘Jazz Nightly’, many jazz musicians owning homes in Monroe.
Nevertheless, we need to know if the people who joined the Monroe’s annual jazz festival last summer really love jazz and often join in other activities related to jazz, whether people who listen the radio program ‘Jazz Nightly’ really like this program, whether the jazz musicians who live in Monroe usually work in Monroe city and enhance the prevalence of jazz in Monroe.
这个地方我感觉把上面和下面结合写会不会好一点？就是把反驳和前面的fact一对一对的写出来。

the quality of jazz brands 是指band的吗？brand不是很懂

many people may choose other jazz clubs to join in though there is a long distance. 我感觉这里的distance没有说太清楚是什么的distance。可以说even though those clubs are far away.

Thus we need to know more about the criteria (that people choose jazz club ) and the condition of the new club to determine whether there are more people to join in Monroe jazz club other than jazz clubs in other cities.
that 从句有问题

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

7月30日 同主题练习 argument 34

Argument 34)The vice president of human resources at Climpson Industries sent the following recommendation to the company's president.

"In an effort to improve our employees' productivity, we should implement electronic monitoring of employees' Internet use from their workstations. Employees who use the Internet from their workstations need to be identified and punished if we are to reduce the number of work hours spent on personal or recreational activities, such as shopping or playing games. By installing software to detect employees' Internet use on company computers, we can prevent employees from wasting time, foster a better work ethic at Climpson, and improve our overall profits. "

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted."

假设：

安装监控器可以增加雇员工作时间

（假设：监控器可以达到监控雇员的作用）

（可能：反监控器的软件也存在，雇员可以玩手机、pad）

减少雇员在上班时间干其他的事情，公司文化也能提高

（假设：影响公司文化的因素主要是雇员们上班总是干自己的事情）

（可能：雇员抱怨公司太死板反而带来negative influence，领导的作为也可以影响员工的态度）

雇员的效率提高了，公司的利益也提高了

（假设：公司的盈利主要在雇员的效率上）

（可能：销售环节，广告效应）

用时：31mins

para.1	作用	内容点评	句子点评
The author of the argument holds the view that they can improve their overall profits of the company by implementing electronic monitoring of employees’ Internet use from their workstations with the belief that the monitoring can prevent workers from wasting time during work time and improve employees’ productivity.	表明题目中的观点
However, I argue that we should reexamine the relationship among electronic monitoring, employees’ productivity, work ethic and overall profits of Climpson in order to evaluate the argument.	主旨句	主旨句里还是要有assumption这个关键词	I argue that 可以删掉
para.2
To begin with, it is assumed that the electronic monitoring could effectively detect employees in order to reduce the number of work hours spend on personal or recreational activities.	主旨句1		detect employees- detect the shirking of the employees
What is overlooked is the fact that almost all employees have intelligence mobile phones or ipads, which are very convenient to do personal activities, such as playing games,chatting on line or shopping.	其他可能		smartphones tablet computers 选词
Even though the Climpson could monitor the company computers, they cannot detect workers’ personal phones or ipads.	解释
Thus we cannot be sure that electronic monitoring could ensure employees spend all their work time on work.	总结	这一段跟我思路一样 可以加上offline activities
para.3
In addition, it is also assumed that the company could foster a better work ethic in Climpson if all employees reduce the time spending on things unrelated to work.	主旨句2		spent on things 　动词用法 这里应该是过去分词后置
There might be some other factors that affect work ethic, such as the behaviours of leaders, the attitudes of managers toward work.	其他可能	这里提出的可能性未必合适 因为我们的假设应该是 ceteris paribus 就是其他因素保持不变  你这里提其他因素有偏题的风险
Even though employees want to devote themselves to work, they may be negative towards their work if their leaders often are pessimistic towards their achievements on work or often neglect their progress in work.	解释
If leaders’ behaviours and attitudes towards work are the main factor that affect the work ethic in Climpson, the measure mentioned by author may not be helpful to foster work ethic.	总结	可以参考一下我的范文中间第二段的内容
para. 4
Finally, the third assumption is that the main method to improve overall profits is to improve the productivity of employees.	主旨句3
Some other possibilities could also affect the overall profits in Climpson, such as the strategies of sale, the advertisement of products.	其他可能	问题同上 原文并没有说这是最好的或者唯一的方法
If the opponents of Climpson have more attractive advertisements and advisable sale strategies to attract more consumers to buy their products, the overall profits of Climpson might not be improved by improving employees’ productivity.	解释
para.5
In conclusion, we need more information about how installing monitoring would prevent employees form wasting time on personal activities, what factors affect the work ethic in Climpson and which method could effectively improve overall profits in order to examine the assumptions and evaluate the soundness of this argument.	总结

==========================句       子      修     改=============================
谢谢老师的批改~这篇里面的内容还需要修改。
下面来修改句子。

para.1
However, I argue that we should reexamine the relationship among electronic monitoring, employees’ productivity, work ethic and overall profits of Climpson in order to evaluate the argument.
主旨句里还是要有assumption这个关键词
I argue that 可以删掉
However, we should reexamine a number of assumpsions and relationship among electronic monitoring, employees’ productivity, work ethic and overall profits of Climpson in order to evaluate the argument.

para.2
To begin with, it is assumed that the electronic monitoring could effectively detect employees in order to reduce the number of work hours spend on personal or recreational activities.
detect employees- detect the shirking of the employees
To begin with, it is afssumed that the electronic monitoring could effectively detect the shirking of employees in order to reduce the number of work hours spend on personal or recreational activities.

What is overlooked is the fact that almost all employees have intelligence mobile phones or ipads, which are very convenient to do personal activities, such as playing games,chatting on line or shopping.
smartphones
tablet computers 选词
What is overlooked is the fact that almost all employees have smartphones and tablet computers, which are very convenient to do personal activities, such as playing games,chatting on line or shopping.

para.3
In addition, it is also assumed that the company could foster a better work ethic in Climpson if all employees reduce the time spending on things unrelated to work.
spent on things　动词用法 这里应该是过去分词后置  
对，time是被花，因此要用spent
In addition, it is also assumed that the company could foster a better work ethic in Climpson if all employees reduce the time spent on things unrelated to work.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

dingchenchen 发表于 2015-7-30 11:35
7月30日 同主题练习 argument 34
Argument 34)The vice president of human resources at Climpson Indust ...

语言表达挺好 有些进步 内容方面可以参考一下我的范文

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

8月6日  argument 135

135) The datafrom a survey of high school math and science teachers show that in thedistrict of Sanlee many of these teachers reported assigning daily homework,whereas in the district of Marlee, most science and math teachers reportedassigning homework no more than two or three days per week. Despite receivingless frequent homework assignments, Marlee students earn better grades overalland are less likely to be required to repeat a year of school than are studentsin Sanlee. These results call into question the usefulness of frequent homeworkassignments. Most likely the Marlee students have more time to concentrate onindividual assignments than do the Sanlee students who have homework every day.Therefore teachers in our high schools should assign homework no more thantwice a week.

Write a responsein which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argumentand explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

计时：33mins

para.1	作用	内容点评	句子点评
The author of this argument recommended that teachers in schools  of Sanlee should assign homework less than twice a week with the belief that  students would improve their study performance as students in schools of  Marlee earn better grades overall though math and science teachers assign  homework less than three times per week.	总结题目中观点
However we need more information about the reason why teachers  in Marlee assign less frequency of homework, how students in Marlee spend  their time after school and whether schools have the same study hours in two  different districts in order to reexamine the evidences to evaluate the  soundness of this recommendation.	主旨句1+2+3	感觉主旨句的几个点不是很准啊 你可以看看博客467楼
para.2
To  begin with, we need more information about the reason why math and science  teachers assign homework less than two or three days per week in schools of  Marlee.	主旨句1	这个不是重点   感觉你需要多些练习找argument的切入点啊
Maybe teachers indeed want to assign homework every day, but  there are some other things make it unnecessary to assign homework daily.	其他可能		there are some other things make it unnecessary to assign homework daily句子结构
For example, there might be some activities about math or  science launched more than two days a week and students have to choose one  that they are interested in to join in.	举例
Students could learn more in these activities and thus teachers  might not assign other homework.	解释
Therefore if the teachers in Marlee need not assign homework  every day because of some reasons, it may not be helpful for schools in  Sanlee to take the recommendation proposed.	总结
para.3
In  addition, we need to know how students in Marlee spend their time after  school.	主旨句2	问题同上 没有抓住重点  你可以微信找我讨论一下
Even though teachers do not assign homework every day, it does  mean that students do not study after school.	解释
If most students are forced by their parents to have extra  classes after school, it is no surprise that students in Marlee schools earn  better grades overall than students in Sanlee schools.	可能1
Students who have extra classes could review what they have  learnt during school and learn new lessons in advance.	解释
Or some parents of students could help their children to review  subjects and solve problems in study.	可能2
Thus we need to know more about how students in Marlee spend  their time after school in order to evaluate the recommendation.	总结
para.4
Finally, we need to know whether the schools in two districts  have the same hours to study during school.	主旨句3
If  students in Marlee have longer hours to study in school than students in  Sanlee have, teachers in Marlee would have enough time to give lessons and  spare time to do some practices.	可能
Thus it is unnecessary for teachers to assign  extra homework in Marlee schools.	解释
On the contrary, teachers in Sanlee have no extra time for  students to finish their homework in class as they have shorter hours to  study in schools.	解释
Thus we need to know more about study hours in the schools of  two districts to evaluate the argument.	总结
para.5
In conclusion, we need more information about why math and  science teachers in Marlee assign less frequency of homework, how students in  Marlee spend their time after school and study hours in school of two  districts in order to decide whether the argument is sound.	总结

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谢谢老师的批改~
下面我按照老师的提纲，重写了一下全文。
我感觉找切入点还需要我再多看看范文……

The author ofthis argument recommends that teachers in schools of Sanlee should assignhomework no more than twice a week with the belief that students' studyperformance could be improved by this way. However, we need more evidence aboutthe data of this survey, the main reason why Marlee schools have better gradesoverall than schools in Sanlee and the factors that affect the students' gradesin schools in Sanlee to evaluate the soundness of the argument.

To begin with,we need more evidence about the survey to decide whether the data of the surveyis reliable. First, we need more information to evaluate the reliability of thesurvey. If the design of survey is not reasonable, the results of the surveymight not reliable.Besides,we need more evidence to discuss whether teachers ofother subjects also assign less than three times a week. Data about math andscience teachers cannot represent other teachers who do not teach math andscience. If the sample of the survey is not representive, the data of this surveymight not be reliable and thus it may be impossible to provide methods forschools in Sanlee.

In addition, weneed more evidence to know the main reason why students in Marlee schools havebetter grades than students in Sanlee schools. Assigning homework less thanthree times a week might not be the main reason why students in Marlee getbetter study performance in that there are many other possibilities. It ispossible that students in Marlee have extra lessons and do more exercises afterschool. Or most students in Marlee have tutors at home, thus they can revisetheir textbooks. Even though teachers do not assign homework frequently,students could study well and get enough exercises to revise what they havelearnt in order to get better study performance. Thus we need more evidenceabout the main reason why students in Marlee have better grades to decide thesoundness of the argument.

Finally, we needmore evidence to know the factors that affect students' study performance inSanlee schools. The factors that affect significantly the students' grades inMarlee schools might not affect the students' study performance in Sanleeschools. And there are many factors might affect the students' studyperformance, such as teachers' training and teaching methods. If teachers inSanlee have not trained well, they might not so good that improve students'study performance. And it is also possible that teachers in Sanlee do not getstudents' feedback in study timely, thus students could not solve problems instudy and might do not get good grades in study. It is clear that we need moreevidence to know factors that affects the students' study performance in Sanleeschools.

In conclusion,we need more evidence about the design of the survey, main reasons why studentsin Marlee schools have better grades than students in Sanlee schools andfactors that affects students' study performance in Sanlee schools to evaluatethe soundness of this argument.

blue87UID: 3618123

你好楼主，请问表格能否教我一下怎么弄呢

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

blue87 发表于 2015-8-8 09:36
你好楼主，请问表格能否教我一下怎么弄呢

你好。
先在excel中把表格做好，然后寄托的编辑框中右上角的“纯文本”的勾去掉，然后把表格粘贴到编辑框即可。

blue87UID: 3618123

哦~好的 感谢楼主

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

8-10 argument 166

Argument 166) The following memo appeared in the newsletter of the West Meria Public Health Council.
An innovative treatment has come to our attention that promises to significantly reduce absenteeism in our schools and workplaces. A study reports that in nearby East Meria, where fish consumption is very high, people visit the doctor only once or twice per year for the treatment of colds. This shows that eating a substantial amount of fish can clearly prevent colds. Furthermore, since colds are the reason most frequently given for absences from school and work, attendance levels will improve. Therefore, we recommend the daily use of a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil as a good way to prevent colds and lower absenteeism.

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.


26mins

para.1	作用	内容点评	句子点评
The author of this argument recommended that schools and workplaces should provide fish oil for people with the belief that this treatment could reduce absenteeism.	总结题目中观点
However, we should discuss the questions about the excuses of absence, the design of the study in East Meria and the mechanism that fish prevents cold.	主旨句1+2+3	collect more information to answer the questions ... eating fish ... 其实吃鱼未必会预防感冒啊
para.2
To begin with, we need to discuss the reasons why there is absenteeism in school and workplaces.	主旨句1
There are some other reasons that lead to absence for people, such as bad weather, laziness or something exigent.	可能1
If the main reason of absence is not cold, the recommendation may not effectively reduce the number of people who are absent.	解释
And we need to know whether the people tell the truth about the reasons about absence.	可能2
If some people lie to their head and most the real reason is not cold, the proposed method might not helpful to reduce absence.	解释		head -supervisors 选词 might not be helpful 动词用法
para.3
In addition, we need discuss the design of study in East Meria.	主旨句2	主题句没有提出问题 need to ask a number questions about ...
We need to know whether people in East Meria have other illnesses except cold that need to visit doctors.	可能1
Even though people in East Meria have cold less frequently, more other illnesses that need to visit doctors could also lead to absence in schools and workplace.	解释
Further more, we need to know whether the sample people of the study include enough number of people who are in schools and workplaces.	可能2
If there are no adequate sample people who are in schools or workplaces, the results of the study might not reliable to be based on in order to reduce absence.	解释
para.4
Finally, we need discuss the mechanism of fish prevents cold.	主旨句3		how eating fish may prevent cold
There is no quantitive number about how many amount of fish per day is enough for students and workers to prevent cold.	可能1
Even if we know the result of this study is effective, we have no identified guideline to practice in order to prevent cold.	解释
Besides, we need to know whether fish oil could replace flesh of fish to prevent cold.	可能2
If there are materials in flesh of fish that oil fish happens to have no are effective to prevent cold, it is would not be effective to prevent cold to provide people with oil fish.	解释
para.5
In conclusion, we need to discuss about the reasons why there is absenteeism in schools and workplaces, the design of study in East Meria and mechanism of fish prevents cold in order to evaluate the soundness of the argument.	总结

我写过一个类似的提纲 你可以对比一下 看看问题出在哪里
感觉你对visit the doctor only once or twice per year for the treatment of colds的处理和我很不一样
不明白你为什么要扯design of the study

36) The following report appeared in the newsletter of the West Meria Public Health Council.

An innovative treatment has come to our attention that promises to significantly reduce absenteeism in our schools and workplaces. A study reports that in nearby East Meria, where fish consumption is very high, people visit the doctor only once or twice per year for the treatment of colds. Clearly, eating a substantial amount of fish can prevent colds. Since colds represent the most frequently given reason for absences from school and work, we recommend the daily use of Ichthaid—a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil—as a good way to prevent colds and lower absenteeism.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

model-outline

The reasons why East Meria people saw doctors for treating colds infrequently

- maybe the people there cannot afford seeing the doctor and take some OTC medicine for colds (track the sales of OTC medicine for colds)

- perhaps there are fewer children and elderly people vulnerable to colds in EM

- maybe EM people exercise more or take vitamin C everyday

The real causes of absences from school and work  

- whether medical certificates have been produced for the absences

- the attitudes of students towards learning in school

- the motivation levels of workers and the working conditions/ compensation in WM

The effects of taking Ichthaid on a daily basis relative to eating fish

- fish as a healthy substitute of pork and beef

- the direct effects of Ichthaid on preventing cold (control experiment)

- the potential harm of overdosage of Ichthaid