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刚写完了一篇motivation letter,大家帮忙瞅瞅 [复制链接]

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发表于 2015-12-21 21:01:27 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 Flyingd 于 2015-12-23 11:53 编辑

楼主第一次写不知道写得怎么样,学校要求不超过一页,已经写到上限了,大家看看哪儿需要删哪儿需要改,谢谢啦!
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I am XXX, a 4th year student of XXX of Technology of XXX.

I became deeply concerned about fire safety issues in my country when the horrific explosions in Tianjin, which is only 80 miles from my hometown, killed 173 people, including 95 firefighters. Since China's rapid urbanization has fueled an enormous building boom, there is a huge demand for skilled professionals in FSE field to ensure fire safety in buildings. And this is why I decided to pursue my Master degree in the field of fire safety engineering.

I have long been determined to pursue my career in FSE field as I consider it to be one that can save lives. After going through information of this program and reviewing the course curriculum with great carefulness, I became deeply intrigued by the chance to experience the most recent research findings in this field of engineering. And with my efforts, I hope I can make contributions to this field in future.   

I have a strong interest in engineering mathematics, physics and chemistry and my efforts on these subjects have paid off by receiving good grades. Understanding that programming skill is a powerful tool for engineers, I took Fortran language class in my second year. I used my programming skills later in the practice in Computer-aided Calculation of Structural Mechanics. After seeing the convenience it can bring to solving engineering problems, I also familiarized myself with other languages such as VB and MATLAB.

I understand that an expanded worldview is important for future engineers, which motivated me to achieve a full scholarship to study in Monash University, Melbourne for one semester in my third year. At Monash, one of my course projects was Steel Framed Multi-storey Car Park Design, in which I worked as the team leader and was responsible for the fire considerations. After learning about the severe damage that fire can cause to steel structures and referring to the building code, we successfully designed a car park that met the fire-resistance requirements. It was a very rewarding experience as it deepened my understanding of fire-related knowledge. While collaborating with culturally diverse students, I also improved my communication skills as well as leadership qualities. I have been working on my undergraduate thesis which is about fire safety in high-rise buildings since returning to my home university.

I am applying for this program with careful and thorough consideration. I believe that being a student in this program would not only empower my career development, but would give me the framework to utilize my full potentials.   

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发表于 2015-12-21 21:23:44 |显示全部楼层
补充一下,楼主本科专业civil engineering, 申请专业 fire safety engineering. 楼主背景,学校某985,GPA 87/100,雅思7.5(8.5,8.5,6.0,6.5), 无paper无论文。不要沉啊不要沉。

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发表于 2015-12-21 21:34:01 |显示全部楼层
除了第一段其他都挺好。
第一段关于爆炸写那么多细节特别多余…整个第一段有用信息只有最后三行,前面所有内容精简成一两句话就够了。

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发表于 2015-12-21 21:40:16 |显示全部楼层
uuup 发表于 2015-12-21 21:34
除了第一段其他都挺好。
第一段关于爆炸写那么多细节特别多余…整个第一段有用信息只有最后三行,前面所有 ...

谢谢。其实我也觉得自己第一段写得多,之前已经删了一大堆了哈哈。本来是想煽煽情引出一下自己的motivation,无奈篇幅太有限了。thanks again!:loveliness::loveliness:

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发表于 2015-12-22 06:41:15 |显示全部楼层
至少三处语病
can brought?
projects (was) Steel ...
applying (?) this program...

用词冗余和句型重复比较严重,一个动词能说明白的意思就尽量精简了说
Motivation没大看出来。说【我读了你们的课程说明】还不如说【你们项目中的...很吸引我,因为我...】
已有 1 人评分声望 收起 理由
uuup + 5 赞一个

总评分: 声望 + 5   查看全部投币

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发表于 2015-12-22 08:53:12 |显示全部楼层
同CIVIL,这GPA和雅思叼叼叼,帮顶

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发表于 2015-12-22 10:20:30 |显示全部楼层
R_Fletcher 发表于 2015-12-22 06:41
至少三处语病
can brought?
projects (was) Steel ...

谢谢你的意见!确实有语病啊自己看了几遍竟然都没看到。有什么具体的意见能突出我的motivation吗? 再次感谢!

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发表于 2015-12-22 10:21:55 |显示全部楼层
tieyi001 发表于 2015-12-22 08:53
同CIVIL,这GPA和雅思叼叼叼,帮顶

哈哈谢谢鼓励。雅思写作没考好,最低项有点儿低。大家一起努力吧!

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发表于 2015-12-22 16:01:14 |显示全部楼层
总觉得很多遣词造句可以用更简单明了的方法和句式,表达一样的意思但是能缩短长度。看到了很多从句觉得读起来不是那么顺口。
一点愚见,不知对不对,但愿对楼主能有帮助。

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发表于 2015-12-22 16:34:44 |显示全部楼层
546397607 发表于 2015-12-22 16:01
总觉得很多遣词造句可以用更简单明了的方法和句式,表达一样的意思但是能缩短长度。看到了很多从句觉得读起 ...

确实存在这样的问题,我再改改。谢谢你的意见!

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发表于 2015-12-22 21:07:33 |显示全部楼层
语病什么的批改网立马就能查处来,内容还得自己斟酌

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发表于 2015-12-22 22:24:34 |显示全部楼层
钦若旻天 发表于 2015-12-22 21:07
语病什么的批改网立马就能查处来,内容还得自己斟酌

thanks!

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发表于 2015-12-22 23:28:21 |显示全部楼层
楼主申的爱大么,硬件条件没问题基本就没问题。我申的爱大这个专业,已经拿到录取,第一段和楼主写的一样。。。根据楼主的条件肯定没问题的,加油啊。

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发表于 2015-12-23 11:34:55 |显示全部楼层
云端过客 发表于 2015-12-22 23:28
楼主申的爱大么,硬件条件没问题基本就没问题。我申的爱大这个专业,已经拿到录取,第一段和楼主写的一样。 ...

确实打算申爱大,还没开始。恭喜你!顺便问一下懂行的,爱大有奖没?得奖的几率怎么样?:handshake

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发表于 2015-12-24 10:10:57 |显示全部楼层
Flyingd 发表于 2015-12-23 11:34
确实打算申爱大,还没开始。恭喜你!顺便问一下懂行的,爱大有奖没?得奖的几率怎么样?

爱大有奖 非常多 不过大多都是3000磅左右的小奖 要申请的话去官网上看看 有截止日期的 爱大的网站是我申请的英国学校里分类做得最清晰的 信息很好找 楼主加油

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RE: 刚写完了一篇motivation letter,大家帮忙瞅瞅 [修改]

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刚写完了一篇motivation letter,大家帮忙瞅瞅
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