Argument44 新手第1篇【讨论的很好，大家可以继续讨论-by david】

阿择菜UID: 2110339

这篇文章的讨论很丰富，我想以后的同主题基本就是这样的形式，作者在别人修改后，把修改版不断的上传。-by david





Argument44  第1篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：30分:L    349 words
从2005年5月22日10时47分到2005年5月22日10时0分
------题目------
The following is a recommendation from the business manager of Monarch Books.
'Monarch Books should open a café in its store to attract more customers and better compete with Regal Books, which recently opened a café. Monarch, which has been in business at the same location for more than twenty years, has a large customer following because it is known for its wide selection of books on all subjects. Opening the café would clearly attract more customers. The café would require relatively little space. Space could be made for the café by discontinuing the children's book section, which will likely become less popular given that the last national census indicated a significant decline in the percent of the population who are under age ten.'
------正文------
The argument concluded that the Monarch Book(MB) should open a cafe in its store to attact more custmers and better compete with Regal Book(RB).So it comes to this conlution that  the MB should  discontinue the children's book section to add a cafe room place.However, in my opinion ,the argument  is unwarranted for that  as there are several  causes.
Firstly,there are not enough evidences to prove that the cafe space where we will build is better than the children's book section to attarct more customers.For granted that  not many customers visist the children's book ,the cafe class may not to attact them .They may drink the coffee in the specail cafe place for instance the Star Barks.The customers who come to the book store will buy books,not to relax although they are tied in some time.But they  could buy some drinks instead of coffee because they are cheap than coffee.

Secondly,the stastice is reasonable in my opinion.We couldn't certify that when the stastics is got and where the survey is conducted.Maybe it is conducted in the developed city,but we don't think whether the M  is suitable for this survey.we should clear that the information about the census in the M city.The argument cited the a siganificant decline whice  we  don't know it's means definitely.

Thirdly,for granted to compete with the RB,we needn't build the cafe place, we may create a  other attractable place,for instance the rest place to have the drinks water,coca cola,fenda and so on.We can't conclude that the cafe place will win the more customers than the RB.We should own the virable books and good sevices than RB.
In sum up to this,the argument have not enough evidence to indicate building a  cafe room instead of the children's book section will attract more  customers.We should need more information that the management about RB and the stastics when it is done.We may concider that we should open a other room place but the cafe.

[ Last edited by davidjacky on 2005-6-26 at 01:31 ]

[ 本帖最后由 iq28 于 2007-10-5 13:54 编辑 ]

gglnba1UID: 202786

The following is a recommendation from the business manager of Monarch Books.
'Monarch Books should open a café in its store to attract more customers and better compete with Regal Books, which recently opened a café. Monarch, which has been in business at the same location for more than twenty years, has a large customer following because it is known for its wide selection of books on all subjects. Opening the café would clearly attract more customers. The café would require relatively little space. Space could be made for the café by discontinuing the children's book section, which will likely become less popular given that the last national census indicated a significant decline in the percent of the population who are under age ten.'
------正文------
The argument concluded that the Monarch Book(MB) should open a cafe in its store to attact不应该啊.你的后面有很多单词拼写错误,自己改吧.我只看内容了 more custmers and better compete with Regal Book(RB).So用点高级词汇 it comes to this conlution 到底这是CONCLUSION还是前面那个是,你已认为前面是了,这就不能再说CONCLUSTION了,你可以说TO strengthen the conclusion,  THE ARGUER provide…. that  the MB should  discontinue the children's book section to add a cafe room place.重复吧?在这再加点东西,TO JUSTIFY THE CONCLUTSION,…. REGAL采取的措施并且与MONARCH在同一地区竞争However, in my opinion ,the argument  is unwarranted for that  as there are several  causes.
Firstly,there are not enough evidences to prove that the cafe space where we will build is better than the children's book section to attarct more customers.For granted that  not many customers visist the children's book ,the cafe class may not to? attact them .They may drink the coffee in the specail cafe place for instance the Star Barks.The customers who come to the book store will buy books,not to relax although they are tied in some time.But they  could buy some drinks instead of coffee because they are cheap than coffee.句子有待提高

Secondly,the stastice is reasonable in my opinion.We couldn't certify that when the stastics is got and where the survey is conducted.Maybe it is conducted in the developed city,but we don't think whether the M  is suitable for this survey.we should clear that the information about the census in the M city.The argument cited the a ?siganificant decline whice  we  don't know it's means definitely.

Thirdly,for granted to compete with the RB,we needn't build the cafe place, we may create a  other attractable place,for instance the rest place to have the drinks water,coca cola,fenda and so on.We can't conclude that the cafe place will win the? more customers than the RB.We should own the ?virable books and good sevices than RB.
In sum up to this,the argument have not enough evidence to indicate building a  cafe room instead of the children's book section will attract more  customers.We should need more information that the management about RB and the stastics when it is doneAND WHERE 如前所述.We may concider that we should open a? other room place but the cafe.你的句子写的不是很好,有待提高,思路还是正确的,但2,3有点短,单词拼写错误多,第2点可加上即使数据有效,十岁下的孩子少不代表CHILDREN书的销售会少,还有10至十几岁的孩子也占到一定比例

阿择菜UID: 2110339

谢谢哦  我这篇作文是我第一次写的 而且在限定时间的软件中写的  单词是有不少错误 但是我把原版未修改的就贴上去了   我会再好好改的
谢谢gglnbal 的建议  我会努力的!!!
我还是觉得我练的太少了  所以不少不应该的错误的出现 但是我会加倍努力的!1

阿择菜UID: 2110339

------题目------
The following is a recommendation from the business manager of Monarch Books.
'Monarch Books should open a café in its store to attract more customers and better compete with Regal Books, which recently opened a café. Monarch, which has been in business at the same location for more than twenty years, has a large customer following because it is known for its wide selection of books on all subjects. Opening the café would clearly attract more customers. The café would require relatively little space. Space could be made for the café by discontinuing the children's book section, which will likely become less popular given that the last national census indicated a significant decline in the percent of the population who are under age ten.'
------正文------
The argument concluded that the Monarch Book (MB) should open a cafe in its store to attract more customers and better compete with Regal Book(RB).So it comes to this conclusion  that  the MB should  discontinue the children's book section to add a cafe room place. However, in my opinion  ,the argument  is unwarranted for that  as there are several  causes.
Firstly ,there are not enough evidences to prove that the cafe space where we will build is better than the children's book section to attract more customers .For granted that  not many customers visit the children's book ,the cafe class may not to attract them .They may drink the coffee in the special cafe place for instance the Star Barks .The customers who come to the book store will buy books, not to relax although they are tied in some time. But they  could buy some drinks instead of coffee because they are cheap than coffee.

Secondly ,the statistics is reasonable in my opinion. We couldn't certify that when the statistics is got and where the survey is conducted. Maybe it is conducted in the developed city, but we don't think whether the M  is suitable for this survey. we should clear that the information about the census in the M city. The argument cited the significant decline which   we  don't know it's means definitely.

Thirdly ,for granted to compete with the RB, we needn't build the cafe place, we may create a  other attractable place, for instance the rest place to have the drinks water, coca cola, fenda and so on. We can't conclude that the cafe place will win the more customers than the RB. We should own the variable books and good services than RB.
In sum up to this, the argument have not enough evidence to indicate building a  cafe room instead of the children's book section will attract more  customers. We should need more information that the management about RB and the statistics when it is done. We may consider that we should open a other room place except for the café.

leo_chenUID: 206840

The following is a recommendation from the business manager of Monarch Books.
'Monarch Books should open a café in its store to attract more customers and better compete with Regal Books, which recently opened a café. Monarch, which has been in business at the same location for more than twenty years, has a large customer following because it is known for its wide selection of books on all subjects. Opening the café would clearly attract more customers. The café would require relatively little space. Space could be made for the café by discontinuing the children's book section, which will likely become less popular given that the last national census indicated a significant decline in the percent of the population who are under age ten.'
------正文------
The argument concluded that the Monarch Book (MB) should open a cafe in its store to attract more customers and better compete with Regal Book(RB).So it comes to this conclusion  that  the MB should  discontinue the children's book section to add a cafe room place. However, in my opinion  ,the argument  is unwarranted for that  as there are several  causes 句型有问题.

Firstly ,there are not enough evidences to prove that the cafe space where we will build is better than the children's book section to attract more customers .For granted that  not many customers visit the children's book ,the cafe class may not to attract them .They may drink the coffee in the special cafe place for instance the Star Barks .The customers who come to the book store will buy books, not to relax although they are tied in some time. But they  could buy some drinks instead of coffee because they are cheap than coffee.
这样反驳不好，前面已经说MB is known for its wide selection of books on all subjects，开cafe必将减少children section的藏书量，削弱自己的优势。

Secondly ,the statistics is reasonable in my opinion. Although the statistics sounds reseanable apprantly, We couldn't certify that when the statistics is got and where the survey is conducted. Maybe it is conducted in the developed city, but we don't think whether the M  is suitable for this survey. we should clear that the information about the census in the M city. The argument cited the significant decline which   we  don't know it's what it means definitely.
反驳普遍调查结果不适用具体情况。万金油式的攻击。不如说儿童人口的数量减少会导致父母对孩子的重视。吸引儿童同时也是吸引陪同的父母逛书店。他们可能在等待时购买自己所需的图书。

Thirdly ,for granted to compete with the RB, we needn't build the cafe place, we may create a 去掉 other attractable place -s, for instance the rest place to have the drinks water, coca cola, fenda and so on. We can't conclude that the cafe place will win the more customers than the RB. We should own the more variable books and good better services than RB.
还不如说可能会导致咖啡泼洒出来污染代售的图书更有利一些

In To sum up to this, the argument have has not enough evidence to indicate building a  cafe room instead of the children's book section 这个是building吗 will attract more  customers. We should need more information that the management about RB and the statistics when it is done. We may consider that we should open a other room place except for the café.

多注意语法的正确表达

lsfrancisUID: 193777

The argument concluded [注意时态，全文用的都是一般现在时] that the Monarch Book (MB) should open a cafe in its store to attract more customers and  [这里似乎应该加上to，我不敢肯定，手头也没有语法书，你自己查一下吧] better compete with Regal Book(RB).So it comes to this conclusion  that  the [删掉] MB should  discontinue the children's book section to add a cafe room place. However, in my opinion [这个插入语可以不要] ,the argument  is unwarranted for that  as there are several  causes. 这一段的主要问题不在于语言，而在于没有完全概括题目中的意思，比如题目中拿Monarch和Regal对比，Regal开了cafe。像这样有明显错误的论据，下文要驳斥的一定要在第一段重述一下，另外注意词语的变化，尽量与原文的用词有一定的变化，不要让阅卷人认为你词汇匮乏。

Firstly ,there are not enough evidences to prove that the cafe space where we will build is better than the children's book section to attract more customers . [此句逻辑错误，宾语从句中把space和section比较，两者完全不具备可比性。就像问两头猪＋四个人＝？你的意思应该是cafe space产生的profit>children's book的profit.] For [删] granted that not many [换成few，不然语法错误] customers visit the children's book ,the cafe class may not to [删] attract them .They may drink the [删] coffee in the special cafe place for instance the Star Barks. [Star Barks从哪里冒出来的？前面说道special cafe place就够了] The customers who come to the book store will buy books, not to relax although they are tied in some time. [这句话问题十分严重，首先罗嗦，who引导的定语从句换成分词形式；其次语法错误，not to relax是接在will后面的，怎么出来个to；最后，这句话逻辑也有点问题，为什么顾客疲劳就不休息？] But they  could buy some drinks instead of coffee because they are cheap [cheap没有根据，不如说they prefer] than coffee. 本段的问题比较大，语法上错误很多，逻辑也不是很清晰，展开得太少，需要加强练习。

Secondly ,the statistics is reasonable in my opinion.[尽量少出现主观的词语] [怎么能肯定文章中的内容，重大失误！]We couldn't certify that when the statistics is got and where the survey is conducted. Maybe it is conducted in the developed city, but we don't think whether the M  is suitable for this survey. we should clear that the information about the census in the M city. The argument cited the significant decline which   we  don't know it's means definitely.[虽然你是说数据不一定适用，但记住千万不要出现表示对文章赞同的句子。第一句就应该直接写statistics不一定适用。切记切记。]

Thirdly ,for [删，同样的语法错误多次出现是要扣分的] granted to compete with the RB[grant这个词的用法不对], we needn't build the cafe place, we may create a  other [other] attractable place, for instance the rest place to have the drinks water, coca cola, fenda and so on.[fenda就免了吧，举一个就够了] We can't conclude that the cafe place will win the more customers than the RB. We should own the variable books and good services than RB. 其实本段意思和第一段有重复，另外论证深度不够

In sum up to this[删], the argument have not enough evidence to indicate building a  cafe room instead of the children's book section will attract more  customers. We should need more information that the management about RB and the statistics when it is done. We may consider that we should open a other[修改同上文] room place except for the café. 结尾问题不大，除了语法错误。

总结：
1、本文语法问题严重，而且不止一处是一再出现，这严重影响得分。
2、逻辑不够清晰，有些句子跟上下文的关系不是很紧密，甚至让人产生误解。
3、论证深度不够，只找出三个错误，并且没能充分展开。
4、下次注意文章的格式，段落之间空一行，逗号和句号后面要空一格再打下一个词。建议文章写好粘到word里面查错。

如果让我打分，应该在3分左右

[ Last edited by lsfrancis on 2005-6-23 at 16:42 ]

staralwaysUID: 193479

楼上的改的很细致，要表扬！

lsfrancisUID: 193777

呵呵，斑竹过奖。偶是过来人，知道除了大牛，新手的第一篇肯定是错误百出的。想当初看了模板N久，花了N长的时间写了一篇“美文”，心中暗自得意，交给同学一看，大概就被改成这个样子。不过，那样确实帮助很大，以后犯的错误就少多了。

阿择菜UID: 2110339

我的确需要再多加练习 ,多写不如多改 ,多听取别人的意见是对自己有很大的提高的.麻烦各位这么照顾我,我一定会加倍努力的,卧薪尝胆,苦练基本功

阿择菜UID: 2110339

The argument concludes that the Monarch Book (MB) should open a cafe in its store to attract more customers and to better compete with Regal Book(RB).So it comes to this conclusion  that  the MB should  discontinue the children's book section to add a cafe room place. The competence of the book store is determined by book variety and book quality not the café place.  Obviously ,the argument  is unwarranted because there are several  causes.

Firstly ,there are not enough evidences to prove that the profits which the cafe space produces is better than the children's book section’s to attract more customers . Granted that  not few customers visit the children's book ,the cafe class may not  attract them .They may drink coffee in the special cafe place .The customers coming to the book store will buy books, not play or relax. They will read more books instead of spending more time to drink coffee. Moreover , they  could prefer to  some drinks instead of coffee.. Won’t  the café place bring us more profits? It will be really doubtful.

Secondly ,the statistics is problematic. We couldn't certify that when the statistics is got and where the survey is conducted. Maybe it is conducted in the developed city, but we don't think whether the M  is suitable for this survey. we should clarify  the information about the census in the M city. The argument cited the significant decline that   we  don't know it's means definitely. In other ways, the statistics last years don’t represent the trend nowadays. Maybe the children’s books are popular this year. The customers will focus more on the  qualities and values of the books .

Thirdly , granted to compete with the RB, we needn't build the cafe place, we may create a other attractable place, for instance the rest place to have the drinks water, coca cola, and so on. If we create a café place , it is possible to spatter the new books if the customers is carefulness. We can't conclude that the cafe place will win the more customers than the RB. In other places, we should pay attention to  the  varieties of  books and better services than RB.

To sum up, the argument have not enough evidence to indicate building a  cafe room instead of the children's book section will attract more  customers. We should need more information that the management about RB and the statistics when it is done. We may consider that we should open other room place except for the café.

lsfrancisUID: 193777

有进步，不过还是有些问题，有的是你没看清楚我给你改的
我就直接列出来了啊
段落 行数  错误
1    2     MB前的the去掉，下面什么RB前面的the也都统统去掉，我已经帮你改过了啊。
1    3    competence用得不对，这句话特别扭，建议换种表达方式。
1    4    obviously换成however之类表示转折的词。另外最后一句写得也不太地道，建议看看范文看看别人怎么表示论断有缺陷的。
另外第一段你怎么还没提RB开cafe？这点很重要，原文认为MB应该开设cafe就是基于此。而这就是典型的错误类比，你下面就可以写第四点了。

2   1     not enouth换调，英语表示很少的词很多干吗这样写，显得词汇量很小。比如mere之类。
2   1    better换成larger
注：第一篇我指出你比较的错误是让你以后不再犯，其实我不推荐你用这样的比较句来表达这个意思。比如我这样写：
Mere evidence shows that MB will make a profit by discontinuing the children's book section and using the space spared to open a cafe.
这样写既简洁又生动（少用there be），当然也许还有更好的表达方式。
2   2   not删掉，你没看清我怎么改的吧，意思正好弄反了。visit和book搭配不当。
2   3   恩，这个class是什么意思来者，不懂。Granted这句话语法没错，但是逻辑还是错了，要是看不出来你翻译成汉语看看，前后句有没有必然联系。
2   3   cafe place这种说法不知道正确不正确，如果不确定最好就不要用，换种把稳表达方式。
2  3   The customers coming to the book store will buy books, not play or relax.虽然语法没问题，但是逻辑上还是说不通啊。你怎么能这么武断地说顾客就不想休息呢？那现在书店里经常设的椅子不是没必要了吗？记住GRE作文考察的重点就是逻辑，一定要避免这种武断的错误。你可以这样说The customers may not want to have a cup of coffee in the book store.
2  4   两个more都删掉。其实这句可以删掉，如果你采用我上面的写法。虽然一定的字数是必须的，但不能为了凑字数而把文章写得罗里罗嗦，一定要简练。
2  5  最后的自问自答的两句可以合并在一起。

3  1  when the statistics is got and where the survey is conducted 应该用过去式
我看了一下题目，这段你的驳斥有问题，首先这个census是last的，其次是nationwide的。因此关于when的问题就不用反驳了。我认为主要的漏洞在于这个nationwide不一定适用于这个城市，或许这个城市的少儿的比例在增加。

4  1  grant的用法有误，我已经指出来过了。build、create用得都不准确。关于举例最好还别的例子，cafe里也可以卖饮料的。
4  4   第二个the去掉。另外这个比较句又用错了，前后结构不一致，看来你得去补补关于比较方面的语法了。正确的应为the cafe place will win more customers than the RB do
4  4   最后一句In other places，你是不是想表达在其他方面啊？是的话应该用In other aspects。不过总感觉这句和前面联系不紧密，因为我不清楚你到底想表达什么意思，也不好修改。

5  1   not enough换掉。不要老用这种低级词汇，但也不要用mere这样用过的词，词汇的变化也是一项考察点。
另外感觉结尾还应改加上一句才完整，不然读着总觉得话没说完。

lsfrancisUID: 193777

另外，驳的点太少了。还有很明显的错误：一个就是我上面说的错误类比，二是RB开了cafe是否盈利是个问题，如果不能盈利，MB显然没有必要去冒险。

yogurt4UID: 198389

楼上众人加分!
继续加油!
No.1送明明照片::D

staralwaysUID: 193479

Originally posted by yogurt4 at 2005-6-24 17:38
楼上众人加分!
继续加油!
No.1送明明照片::D

你有明明的照片，我怎么没有的？:(

gglnba1UID: 202786

不用那末客气。相反，我还羡慕你呢，有那末多人帮你改，真是不容仪，你看我的就没大有人改，由于客观原因，我都是笔写然后打上来的，要是像你一样用软件写可能错误也不少，加油！