第一篇作文练习求拍转(OG的practice)

vanillaskyUID: 2347373

[综合写作]
The lecturer claims that some altruistic behaviors both in human and animals are actually beneficial to those who display those behaviors, which is quite different from the passage given.

First, meerkat could be safer if they serve as standing guards. They usually eat something before their work, so they would have enough energy when a predator comes close. Next, they are more alert to dangers so it is more easily for the guards to escape. However,those who do not act as standing guards would take more time to react to alarms, so that they would be more easily to be captured by predators. And all these are quite different from what the passage tells us.

Second, altruistic behaviors in human being, such as donation, do not usually come out just for the sake of others. In some circumstances, donators give their money away so that they could get a good reputation for their kindness and hospitality from others and the society.  


[独立写作]Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possilbe. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Many young adults prefer to live independently from their families, while others would rather stay with their parents for a longer time. Those two perspectives both have advantages and drawbacks. But in my viewpoint, I regard living individually as more crucial for a person's development and growth.
First of all, living individually will give young people a good lesson of self-autonomy and self-confidence. When living outside, people have to make a living all by themselves, and soon they will learn the art of living: how to find an appropriate job, how to cook, how to wash clothes, how to make a life decision and so on. When completing all these jobs, they will gain more experience out of several failures, and certainly will feel more confident and fulfilled if they finally succeed. One of my classmates becomes a fantastic cook after three years of living abroad, and he also becomes more confident and socialized. He agrees that he gains confidence and living skills from a lot of tryouts and failures.
Secondly, living away from their parents would provide young people with more chances to know about other people, especially people of their own age. If people stay living with their parents, they would be more reluctant to try new things and get to know new people. As a result, their acquaintances would be limited to a few people that their parents or relatives know. However, if people live by themselves, they would be more willing to explore new friends, either with their roommates, colleagues, or those they meet in a party. In that way, they keep in contact with different viewpoint and acquire a broad mind.
To sum up, living independently outweighs living together with their families for young adults, because they would learn self-autonomy from their experiences, and they would also develop their own friends.

PS：我是04年2月考的GRE的AWA，当时拿了5分；同年的8月考的T也是5分。这次看iBT的写作感觉字数要求不高，但写起来才发现综合写作很不顺手，只有161个字，感觉很不好把文章和听到的内容结合起来。独立写作题目是很典型的2择1形式，开始以为是写20分钟，发现才写了230+个字，很受打击。后来发现还有10分钟，再加了些内容，才到了306字。
其他不说，欢迎拍转~主要是逻辑结构和例子不知道是否恰当。

vanillaskyUID: 2347373

感觉听力有部分内容没有听到...

kevinliu6883UID: 2338522

I feel one paragraphy is missing before the concluding part.
You have given two paragraphs about the reasons why living individually is good, and comared with living with parents so you you say one is overweight another. Where is another? You may add a short paragraph to describe the pros and cons of the living with parents.

kevinliu6883UID: 2338522

Your feeling shows how important a good listening is.
Your writing on the lecture is good. I don't think one can get it better. Actualy I am afraid I may have trouble  because of lack of such exercisese.

vanillaskyUID: 2347373

Thanks a lot
really helps

susanchynUID: 2345136

原帖由 vanillasky 于 2007-6-27 14:02 发表

The lecturer claims that some altruistic behaviors both in human and animals are actually beneficial to those who display those behaviors, which is quite different from the passage given.

F ...

Both these essays are good efforts, and unofficially I would rate each a high 4. Maybe even a low 5 for the first one.

Here are some suggestions for improvement:

For the integrated essay, in the second paragraph:

Second, altruistic behaviors in human being, such as donation, do not usually come out just for the sake of others. In some circumstances, donators give their money away so that they could get a good reputation for their kindness and hospitality from others and the society.  

Watch your plural forms.
--> in human beings
--> such as donations
donators--> should be "donors"

But those corrections are tiny, tiny things. You might even get a full score, because these types of errors do not "get in the way of meaning."

For the independent essay:

When living outside, people have to make a living all by themselves, and soon they will learn the art of living:--->   

"Living outside" is Chinese English, right?:cool:  In idiomatic English, we would say something like "when people live away from home" or "when people are on their own."

So, your sentence would become: "When people live away from home, they have to make a living all by themselves, and soon they will learn the art of living." (OR, if you wanted to vary your wording, you could say: "...home, they have to become financially independent, and soon they will learn the art of living."

Also, in the sentence:
One of my classmates becomes a fantastic cook after three years of living abroad, and he also becomes more confident and socialized. He agrees that he gains confidence and living skills from a lot of tryouts and failures.

This is a great example; it is so interesting and personal. But the verb tenses are not quite right.  Your classmate has ALREADY worked as a cook, so you need to use present perfect for your tense:

-->"One of my classmates has become a fantastic cook....   and he also has become more confident and socialized..... that he has gained confidence...."


The rest of your essay is basically fine.  I think your future is bright as an English writer!

susanchynUID: 2345136

原帖由 vanillasky 于 2007-6-27 14:02 发表

The lecturer claims that some altruistic behaviors both in human and animals are actually beneficial to those who display those behaviors, which is quite different from the passage given.

F ...

Both these essays are good efforts, and unofficially I would rate each a high 4. Maybe even a low 5 for the first one.

Here are some suggestions for improvement:

For the integrated essay, in the second paragraph:

Second, altruistic behaviors in human being, such as donation, do not usually come out just for the sake of others. In some circumstances, donators give their money away so that they could get a good reputation for their kindness and hospitality from others and the society.  

Watch your plural forms.
--> in human beings
--> such as donations
donators--> should be "donors"

But those corrections are tiny, tiny things. You might even get a full score, because these types of errors do not "get in the way of meaning."

For the independent essay:

When living outside, people have to make a living all by themselves, and soon they will learn the art of living:--->   

"Living outside" is Chinese English, right?:cool:  (In English, "living outside" would mean you live in the woods, or in the park... a homeless person often "lives outside.") In idiomatic English, we would say something like "when people live away from home" or "when people are on their own."

So, your sentence would become: "When people live away from home, they have to make a living all by themselves, and soon they will learn the art of living." (OR, if you wanted to vary your wording, you could say: "...home, they have to become financially independent, and soon they will learn the art of living."

Also, in the sentence:
One of my classmates becomes a fantastic cook after three years of living abroad, and he also becomes more confident and socialized. He agrees that he gains confidence and living skills from a lot of tryouts and failures.

This is a great example; it is so interesting and personal. But the verb tenses are not quite right.  Your classmate has ALREADY worked as a cook, so you need to use present perfect for your tense:

-->"One of my classmates has become a fantastic cook....   and he also has become more confident and socialized..... that he has gained confidence...."


The rest of your essay is basically fine.  I think your future is bright as an English writer!


[ 本帖最后由 susanchyn 于 2007-6-28 02:07 编辑 ]

vanillaskyUID: 2347373

:handshake Thanks for your advice, Susan~
In fact,i found there are some information missing in the intergrated writing part as i've read the listenning script, so it could not be that high.
Yeah, it's donor. I forget many words after two years' absence from English.
And I would prefer "they live on their own' to replace "living outside", it's really a great suggestion.
The sentence you have mentioned. :) Actually, I want to convery that he becomes good at cooking after living abroad. And I should have used the present perfect tense.

How many thanks to you! Indeed, I've planned to postpone my iBT because I don't think I have enough time to prepare for it. I start to prepare for it just a month ago and my first writing sample came out yesterday:mad Sadly, I registerd for the 7.7 test, I reallly really want to give up trying and give myself another month.

kevinliu6883UID: 2338522

I just check the lecture and find some questoins. It seems the lecture cast her doubts on if there is any altruistic behavior among human beings and some animals. Especially the lecture presented detailed study on the behavor of meerkat.

So I think "claims that..." is not accurate.

Because the example presented by the lecturer is the one given by the passage, it seems that the point given by the passage is worng. However, the point in the passage is attruism exists among "human and some animals". The example may be wrong, but the point may still hold.

The questions cast on the human being are also for some people, not all human. As for the case of kidney donation, there are very complicated motivations when human makes such a decisions. Pure altruism is bare. In some other cases like strangers help a person in adversity may be a good example to sopport the point by the passage.
Fortunately, the lecturer just cast questoins on the point though the intention is obvious to deny the existence of altruism.

kevinliu6883UID: 2338522

Integrated writing is a new form of writing. We may need to pay enough attention and effort to it.

Question:
Summarize the points made in the lecture you just heard, explaining how they cast doubt on points made in the reading.

Altruism may extensively exist among human beings and some animals, as claimed in the reading, but the lecturer cast doubt on this point. The lecturer posed her question by two main examples. The first example is the detailed observation on the behavior of meerkat, which is just the example given by the passage. The observation showed evidence that the sentle meerak take less risk than estimated by the passage: the sentle meerkat stands close to the murrow; it has more time to react to the alert or denger; it has energy to escape because it alread has its stomoch full. These details indicate the meerkat's behavior is not alttruism.

The second example is the donation of kidney among human beings, which is also the supportive evidence prersented in the reading. The lecturer doubts there may be other motivation or the donors actually may benefit from his/her "altruism" behavior, such as getting good reputation or other benefit which is not afloat on the surface.

Since the lecture denied the point by debutting the evidence cited by the passage, it could be that the point is wrong or that the point is right but the evidence is wrong. Since the point here is for "some animals",  thus the arguement is not strongly against the point. The questons posed by the lecturer is worhty for further study on specific case of human bahavior or a certain animal bahavior.

[ 本帖最后由 kevinliu6883 于 2007-6-28 11:38 编辑 ]

vanillaskyUID: 2347373

Kevin, thank u!
the integrated writing given above is great,and more logic than mine. It seems that you understand the passage and lecture well.
Also, there may be some minor mistakes.
Since the point here is for "some animals",  ---the point here is not just for animals, but there is also an exmple of some people who donate their kidneys.

there are some spelling mistakes in paragraph 1
the sentle meerkat stands close to the burrow; it has more time to react to the alert or danger; it has energy to escape because its stomoch is full. These details indicate the meerkat's behavior is not alttruism.
But they are minor mistakes and don't interfere with raters' understandings.

manman251UID: 2324268

好像还长时间都没动过笔了吧？