另一篇作文 不吝赐教拉

kimomoUID: 2377530

When a country develops its technology, the traditional skills and ways of life die out. It is pointless to try and keep them alive.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Science and technology is the first productivity. As great changes take place in our daily life, a large number of people have taken the changes for granted and gradually adapted to the new traditional skills and living ways but to discard them, while that’s the point I’ll never vote for.

From the “Four Great Inventions”-gun powder, compass, paper and printing in Han Dynasty to the hybrid rice technology followed by scientist Yuan Longping, they indeed push the whole world a fantastic progress. Till now, farming still exist with the continuously emerged technology. It never disappeared but cooperate with the high-tech machines to bring us boundless food with high productivity.

Since the first computer made its initial public in 1946, people put it to the large extent of usage. It undoubtedly changed kinds of living ways such as communication and shopping, for instance. While disputes emerged towards these hot issues on changing, which indicated that the mass would prefer to live in a traditional way such as shop in a market where they could enter in and out with a basket, who they might smile at and have some gossip with. Net shopping is just a drop in an ocean reflects the changing situation, but it developed to a step without too much maturity.

Cars bring us the diversified conveniences and various pollutions, computers send us high-speed of calculation, quick responded communication and gradually wordless face-to-face conversation. Finally, we’ll realize what we need is the original way of living, talking without key boards and walking without four wheels.

P.S.我写作文的时间都很快，一旦思路提纲出来就一直写，这篇作文是刚刚写出来的，新鲜出炉哦！不过自我感觉不大好，思路,结构以及用词似乎都很欠缺，看来还是慢工出细活的说,之前有一篇作文大家都看了,很感谢大家,我是9月8号在武汉考试,现在练练笔，和大家交流交流~

kimomoUID: 2377530

感觉可以自己封贴了:(

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

Science and technology is the first productivity. As great changes take place in our daily life, a large number of people have taken the changes for granted and gradually adapted to the new traditional skills（?） and living ways but to discard them（这句似写的有些不太好，看了好一会才明白你要说的意思）, while that’s the point I’ll never vote for.

From the “Four Great Inventions”-gun powder, compass, paper and printing in Han Dynasty to the hybrid rice technology followed by scientist Yuan Longping, they indeed push the whole world a fantastic progress. Till now, farming still exist（coexist） with the continuously emerged technology. It never disappeared（It will never disappear） but（这个but感觉不太恰当，but有除非，但是的意思，在这里用一个and就可以了） cooperate with the high-tech machines to bring us boundless food with high productivity.（可去掉，前边刚刚with过了high-tech machines）

Since the first computer made its initial public（不错的表达，学习~） in 1946, people put it to the large extent of usage. It undoubtedly changed kinds of living ways such as communication and shopping, for instance.（前边有such as，这里的for instance可以不要了） While（感觉while和你要表达的意思不符，如果是想表达随之，接下来的意思，用“Immediately after，”） disputes emerged towards these hot issues on changing, which indicated that the mass would prefer to live in a traditional way such as shop（shopping） in a market where they could enter in and out with a basket, who（who?） they might smile at and have some gossip with. Net shopping(Online shopping) is just a drop in an ocean (what or that)reflects the changing situation, but it developed to a step without too much maturity.

Cars bring us the diversified conveniences and various pollutions, computers send us high-speed of calculation, quick responded communication and gradually wordless face-to-face conversation. Finally, we’ll realize what we need is the original way of living(结尾不好，Finally那里转折太生硬了，建议可以这样改一下：The examples I have given are but a few of the many that could illustrate the case that tehcnology makes life more convenient, but meanwhile, we also lose some importang things, like affective communication between friends, good relationship between the generations within family. So the traditional skills can be modified to make them more efficient, and the traditional ways of life should not be discarded absolutely.  ), talking without key boards and walking without four wheels.
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优点：有些表达比较精彩，值得学习，对于长句的结构掌握的比较好，词汇也比较丰富。

缺点：题目要求你在多大程度上同意“传统技能应该被抛弃掉”这一观点，纵观全文，你所举的例子：购物方式，人与人的沟通方式等，这些都属于life-style的范围，traditional skills的例子你举了一个farming，感觉不太妥当。

另外在整篇文章的分段上，第二段和第三段合成一段，第一段表明态度之后，第二段可以做一下让步论述，为什么有人会说传统技能和生活方式应该被抛弃？总是有他们的理由吧？然后，指出这些理由存在的合理性，一定程度上现代技术使得人们的生活更加便利。
接下来分析现代技术带给人们的很多不良影响（譬如过快的工作生活节奏，压力过大，自杀率居高不下，以及人与人之间情感的淡漠等）。
最后总结，传统的生活方式有很多可取的地方（譬如更好的家庭关系，与朋友之间的情感交流，生活节奏比较慢，不会造成太大的压力等），所以，这里区别对待一下，传统的技能应该加以改进使之更加有效，传统的生活方式不应该完全被抛弃掉。

限于自己的水平，给出的意见你做参考就可以了，另外：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-723323-1-1.html，我的一篇习作，欢迎回拍！:)

forbeckUID: 2297645

Science and technology is the first productivity(这句话，政治水平高;d: ). As great changes take place in our daily life, a large number of people have taken the changes for granted and gradually adapted to the new traditional skills and living ways but to discard them（这句话是不是有点问题？）, while that’s the point I’ll never vote for.（这个句子好好学习下）


From the “Four Great Inventions”-gun powder, compass, paper and printing in Han Dynasty to the hybrid rice technology followed by scientist Yuan Longping, they indeed push the whole world a fantastic progress. Till now, farming still exist with the continuously emerged technology. It never disappeared（从表达上看，好像要改为将来时） but（这里ms是一个递进关系） cooperate with the high-tech machines to bring us boundless food with high productivity.Since the first computer made its initial public（学习下） in 1946, people put it to the large extent of usage. It undoubtedly changed kinds of living ways such as communication and shopping, for instance. While disputes emerged towards these hot issues on changing, which indicated that the mass would prefer to live in a traditional way such as shoping in a market where they could enter in and out with a basket, who they might smile at and have some gossip with（这句话真没看懂）. Net shopping is just a drop in an ocean reflects the changing situation, but it developed to a step（into a era怎么样？） without too much maturity.

Cars bring us the diversified conveniences and(but?) various pollutions, computers send us high-speed of calculation, quick responded(respondent?) communication and(but?) gradually wordless face-to-face conversation. Finally, we’ll realize what we need is the original way of living, talking without key boards and walking without four wheels.

建议：
1、  段首提到了new traditional skills and living ways，这样后边的两个论证段落就可以从这两个点入手，中间两端貌似只见到living ways的例子，但仔细研究又有点像是混合论证，如果，能在中间两端的段首分别提出分论点，然后各举一例，这样的结构也比较清晰。 观点和例子，有时候得特别注意把，载舟亦覆舟。（涉及政治的例子尤其小心——版里已经有人吃过着亏了）
2、  最后一段主要是用来重申观点，你的这个结尾很有意思，也很含蓄，不过，最好能明确地提出来，毕竟，老外有时候思维简单。



[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-8-19 00:21 编辑 ]

glauberUID: 2329890

专家修改水平,赞一个ing~~~

kimomoUID: 2377530

anyway谢谢蒙牛
说来惭愧
这篇argumentation我花的心思不多,写好了就传过来了
让大家费心了