issue51 spring第一次作业 有拍必回!!!

demerzelUID: 2415264

耗时3小时，还请各位牛人非牛人帮忙批评（语法上多批评一下吧，谢）

issue51 "Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."

字数：420（太少了，可是我已经挤不出来了，:mad: ）

I agree with the speaker's board assertion that education should meet individual needs and the interests of each student.  However, when it comes to efficiency, meeting individual needs is not the best way to achieve the efficiency, of education. Moreover, only focusing on the each student's need and interests will violate the original intention of education.

I concede that student-centered education can help students to learn. Compare with the traditional way, the former have a lot of advantages. Thomas Edison is one the most famous inventors. He owned almost two thousand patents in his life. He was evaluated as a low intelligence boy by his teacher when he was 9 years old. However, He have read Shakespeare's whole volume, browsed all works of the Parker who is a famous chemists in his first year in elementary school. Obviously, he did not fit the traditional way. To meet one's own interests rather than inculcation by his or her teacher is a better way for the gifted students.

However, the student-centered way has some flaws can weaken the intention of education.  For example, the fundamental subjects such as math and physics, students would have no interest at first which need the mandatory from teacher. According to the student-centered way, those courses definitely will be the last one they like to choose. And, In order to establish the students-centered system, society has to put huge human and material resources.  It is not practicable and ineffective because of lacking enough teacher and time to satisfy students' variety of interests.

Moreover, the goal of education is not only learning to know but also leaning to be according to the UNESCO's Paris conference in 1996. One must be receive both scientific knowledge education and moral education. As a common sense, children are unwilling to obey the instruction of morality especially young boys. Students-centered way do have drawback to resolve this problem. In contrast, the traditional way that today's society relies on can use compel way to mitigate the deep-rooted bad habit of human nature which is obvious more effective than the speaker's way.

From what has been discussed above, we may draw the conclusion that the student-centered way is not a sufficient way to make education become more effective. Traditional education does have some defects compare with the way of meeting students’ needs and interests. Considering the intension of education is more than learn scientific knowledge, Traditional way can achieve more than students-centered way besides the efficiency.

[ 本帖最后由 demerzel 于 2007-10-25 18:31 编辑 ]

timeupUID: 2399383

I agree with the speaker's board assertion that education should meet individual needs and the interests of each student.  However, when it comes to efficiency, meeting individual needs is not the best way to achieve the efficiency of education. Moreover, only focusing on the each student's need and interests will violate [using distort will be better] the original intention of education.

I concede that student-centered education can help students to learn. Compare[compared] with the traditional way, the former have[has] a lot of advantages. Thomas Edison is one [add of]the most famous inventors. He owned almost two thousand patents in[througout] his life. He was evaluated as a low intelligence boy by his teacher when he was 9 years old. However, He have read Shakespeare's whole volume, browsed all works of the Parker who is a famous chemists in his first year in elementary school. Obviously, he did not fit the traditional way. To meet one's own interests rather than inculcation by his or her teacher is a better way for the gifted students.

However, the student-centered way has some flaws can weaken the intention of education.  For example, the fundamental subjects such as math and physics, [add which]students would have no interest [add in]at first , need the mandatory from teacher[are necessary  for student to be guided by their teacher]. According to the student-centered way[change way with course of action], those courses[you should know “course” in US ,especially for college students,you can use curriculum for a change] definitely will be the last one they like to choose.[please particularizing such content,eg,maybe the kids felt boring when being in a confused math class,perhaps,they want more vivacious activities and interactive atomosphere that would spur their interests up with curiosity]  And, In order to establish the students-centered system, society has to put huge human and material resources.  It is not practicable and ineffective because of lacking enough teacher and ti
me to satisfy students' variety[variteties] of interests.

Moreover, the goal of education is not only learning to know but also leaning to be according to the UNESCO's Paris conference in 1996. One must be receive both scientific knowledge education and moral education. As a common sense, children are unwilling to obey the instruction of morality especially young boys. Students-centered way do have drawback to resolve this problem. In contrast, the traditional way that today's society relies on can use compel [??]way to mitigate the deep-rooted bad habit of human nature which is obvious[obviously] more effective than the speaker's way.

From what has been discussed above, we may draw the conclusion that the student-centered way is not a sufficient way to make education become more effective. Traditional education does have some defects compare with the way of meeting students’ needs and interests. Considering the intension[function or purpose] of education is more than learn scientific knowledge, Traditional way can achieve more than students-centered way besides the efficiency.

首先作为第一篇写得还是很不错的，注意论证时，要有些例子去支持，哪怕是把你主题句去展开说，延伸了说。
写作时一定要注意句式的变化，比如强调句，形式主语，形式宾语，倒装句，修辞句等
加油 ^-^   


[ 本帖最后由 timeup 于 2007-10-26 00:43 编辑 ]

demerzelUID: 2415264

谢谢指导！！很详细的批评，小的收下了:handshake

dairuxin512UID: 2178329

I agree with the speaker's board assertion that education should meet individual needs and the interests of each student.  However, when it comes to efficiency, meeting individual needs is not the best way to achieve the efficiency, of education[我觉得删掉比较好]. Moreover, only focusing on the each student's needsand interests will violate the original intention of education.

I concede that student-centered education can help students to learn. Compare with the traditional way, the former have a lot of advantages. Thomas Edison is one the most famous inventors. He owned almost two thousand patents in his life. He was evaluated as a low intelligence boy by his teacher when he was 9 years old. However, He have read Shakespeare's whole volume, browsed all works of the Parker who is a famous chemists in his first year in elementary school. Obviously, he did not fit the traditional way. To meet one's own interests rather than inculcation by his or her teacher is a better way for the gifted students.[从你的开头来看，这段应该是写教育为什么应该满足个人需求和兴趣，所以我建议你在第二句中把advantages解释一下，然后再举出例子。另外，你举出的关于爱迪森的例子好像并不是很合适，尤其是这段结尾你写道is a better way for the gifted students，那么我会置疑是否适合于each student]

However, the student-centered way has some flaws[which，好像中心词在从句中做主语关系词不能省略吧！] can[用may,would,might会好一点] weaken the intention of education.  [you should explain what intention of education, then give out examples.]For example, the fundamental subjects such as math and physics, students would have no interest at first which need the mandatory from teacher. According to the student-centered way, those courses definitely will be the last one they like to choose. And[Besides that], In order to establish the students-centered system, society has to put huge human and material resources.  It is not practicable[unpractical] and ineffective because of lacking enough teacher[teachers] and time to satisfy students' variety of interests.[这句话用虚拟语气会好一点！个人意见][这一段根据你在开头段所写的，应该是分析作者提出的教育方式为什么不是提高教育效率的最好方法，你最好在段落首句就写明这段的分论点，而不是让人觉得你要开始讨论第三个分论点了（作者所提的方式会破坏教育原有的目的），而不是在段末尾重申分论点。你也可以在这段中说一说什么另外的方式有助于提高教育效率）

Moreover, the goal of education is not only learning to know but also leaning to be according to the UNESCO's Paris conference in 1996. One must be receive both scientific knowledge education and moral education. As a common sense, children are unwilling to obey the instruction of morality especially young boys. Students-centered way do have drawback to resolve this problem. In contrast, the traditional way that today's society relies on can use compel[compelling，用形容词哦！] way to mitigate the deep-rooted bad habit of human nature which is obvious more effective than the speaker's way.[我想你这段想写的单个教育模式不利于培养学生精神，心灵方面的东西，那么你要具体详细的分析什么moral education 是这种单个教育模式不能达到的，如与人相处，友善，容忍等，然后再分析传统教育在这方面的优势，做一个详尽的对比，文章就会长的）

From what has been discussed above, we may draw the conclusion that the student-centered way is not a sufficient way to make education become more effective. Traditional education does have some defects compare with the way of meeting students’ needs and interests. Considering the intension of education is more than learn scientific knowledge, Traditional way can achieve more than students-centered way besides the efficiency.（我认为你的结尾段也应该与开头段呼应，先说说单个教育的好处，再总结它并不能够很好得使教育有效，并且还可能不能完全达到教育原本的目的）

小结：我觉得你的语言上的问题不大，而且看得出，例子都是经过精心准备的，所以例子中的语言可以说是完美无缺了。但是有以下几点建议：
            1、尽量把自己的观点准确的表达出来，而且在写分论点时最好是递进的提出，因为你对观点的论证是由你对分论点的论证组成的
             2、在每一段开始最好重申自己的分论点，然后展开对分论点的论证
            3、在找例子的时候最好是能够强力论证你的论点的例子的，因为你的文章并不是只要有好的例子就可以了，关键在于合适的例子，能够很好证明你  观点的例子

            

liyue24UID: 2350787

我提一个小点：看了全文我也不太清楚traditional way是个什么way...也没有例子说明，也没有解释……不好理解呀……