Issue51 历史最高频 处女作 求拍

starfishjingUID: 2420513

issue 51                time:75m
Education will be truly effective only when it is specially designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student.

I agree with the statement that our education should pay much attention on the individual needs and interests of each student.However,in my view,the statement goes too far,by suggesting that  everyone receive special treatment.If followed the letter,this suggestion carries certain social and paychological implication that might turn out to be more harmful than beneficial-not just to children but to the entire society.

At the first blush the statement seems compelling.As the old saying goes,interest is our best teacher.It is common knowledge that one functions most effectively,efficiently and creatively in the areas that he really interest and excel.Moreover,our society is in the great need of a myriad
of talented elicits(elitists)who enjoyed their careers,not "a square peg in a round hole",thus they could devote themselves wholeheartly(wholeheartedly) to the collective objectives.Thus,the chief aims of our education is to equip our future citizen with all they require to take their place in the adult society.

Beyond the concession ,however,I disagree with the statement because undue emphasis on individual needs and interests of each student would be counterproductive to our "true education".Due to the inmature coginate skill and understanding of themselves,some pupils don't even know what he is really interests in.The Socates impart his wisdom about the meaning of education,"Education is not instilling the stuffings of information to student;rather than to elicit the knowlege from him.It is like the drawing out of what is in his mind.It shows us the beauty of the truly effective education--- is not instilling stuff but sparking a flame.Yet I am not a student of develpmental psychology,my understanding is that unless the innate talent is cultivated during his early childhood,the unique treasury would(can) remain forever dormant ；and both the child and the society stand to lose as a result.After all, how can a musically gifted child ever see those gifts come to fruition(fruition) without access to a musical instrument.Or,how can a child who has a gift for linguist learn a foreign language without at least some exposure to it?Thus,I believe it is also an effectivee way to nuture our student to serve a free and tolerant academic ambulance(ambience) which they could  take various opportunity and seek out their favorate as their future career(pursuit).

Furthermore, we should never ignore the importance of teaching our students the fundamental courses which focuses on rudimentary knowledge and abilities in human society. For example,true education facilitate an understanding of ourselves ,and tolerance and respect for viewpoints of others.Courses in psychology,socielogy,and anthroploguy all serve these ends.And nobody can be truly educated without having gained insight and perspectives regarding one's place in the physical and metaphysical worlds---through courses work in science ,philosophy and so forth. Since over emphasis on individual needs and interests possibly turn down the position educators hold to regulate the teaching process. Students in such situations, due to their immature understanding of the world, will avoid the difficult courses and only select the ones easy and interesting for them. When they graduate and ultimately realize the insanity of their decision, hardly can they make any remedy.

In sum, our students might seem better able and better motivated to pursue their studies while their interests and needs  receive enought attention.The inescapable conclusion,then,is that how unparactical and detrimental it is to meet the individual needs and interests of each student in our established education system.


括号里是自己早晨爬起来改了一点拼写.
求拍!光看自己文章没有感觉，不知如何下手．希望大家给我建议．
尤其是段内结构，感觉很不连贯．
谢谢大家．３．６日上海机考．
:)

多多交流　QQ :190204377

[ 本帖最后由 starfishjing 于 2008-2-1 20:45 编辑 ]

happyzoe626UID: 2325610

receive special treatment 汉语化了
第二段 first of all, it is a compelling statement as to...
It is common knowledge that 改成common sense 或是直接说 for everyone' s experience and knowledge
chief aim改成 chief aim
coginate skill_ cognative skill?
第3段 改成because of

good job!

starfishjingUID: 2420513

谢谢happyzoe626
receive special treatment是我模仿北美范文的
其他的修改确实挺有用

互相鼓励！

猫咬猫UID: 2380927

    I agree with the statement that our education should be paid much attention to the individual needs and interests of each student.However,in my view,the statement goes too far,by suggesting that  everyone receive special treatment.If followed the letter,this suggestion carries certain social and paychological implication that might turn out to be more harmful than beneficial-not just to children but to the entire society.
     At the first blush the statement seems compelling.As the old saying goes,interest is our best teacher.It is common knowledge(acknowledged) that one functions most effectively,efficiently and creatively in the areas that he really interests and excel.Moreover,our society is in the great need of a myriad of talented elicits(elitists)who enjoy their careers,not "a square peg in a round hole",thus they could devote themselves wholeheartly(wholeheartedly) to the collective objectives.Thus,the chief aims of our education is to equip our future citizens with all they require to take their place in the adult(mature) society.(不明白adult society啥意思)
Beyond the concession ,however,I disagree with the statement （跟开头的position 矛盾了!）because undue emphasis on individual needs and interests of each student would be counterproductive to our "true education".Due to the inmature coginate skill and understanding of themselves,some pupils don't even know what he is really interested in.The Socates impart his wisdom about the meaning of education,"Education is not instilling the stuffings of information to student;rather than to elicit the knowlege from him(教育不是要向学生灌输知识，而是让他们学会融会贯通，后半句表达有问题).It is like the drawing out of what is in his mind.(还是表达的问题)It shows us the beauty of the truly effective education---which doesn't stuff but sparks a flame.Yet I am not a student of develpmental psychology,my understanding is that unless the innate talent is cultivated during his early childhood,the unique treasury would(cannot) remain forever dormant ；and both the child and the society stand to lose as a result.After all, how can a musically gifted child ever see those gifts come to fruition(fruition) without access to a musical instrument.Or,how can a child who has a gift for linguist learn a foreign language without at least some exposure to it?(这两个例子我不知道在说明什么问题)Thus,I believe it is also an effective way to nuture our student to serve a free and tolerant academic (ambience) which they could  take various opportunities and seek out their favorate as their future career(pursuit).（这句话我还是不知道是啥意思）

    Furthermore, we should never ignore the importance of teaching our students the fundamental courses which focuses on rudimentary knowledge and abilities in human society. For example,true education facilitate an understanding of ourselves ,and tolerance and respect for viewpoints of others.Courses in psychology,socielogy,and anthroploguy all serve these ends.And nobody can be truly educated without having gained insight and perspectives regarding one's place in the physical and metaphysical worlds---through courses work in science ,philosophy and so forth. Since over emphasis on individual needs and interests possibly turn down the position educators hold to regulate the teaching process. Students in such situations, due to their immature understanding of the world, will avoid the difficult courses and only select the ones easy and interesting for them. When they graduate and ultimately realize the insanity of their decision, hardly can they make any remedy.

In sum, our students might seem better able and better motivated to pursue their studies while their interests and needs  receive enough attention.The inescapable conclusion(结论应该是一个肯定的说法吧),then,is that how unparactical and detrimental（what?） it is to meet the individual needs and interests of each student in our established education system.（我认为作者在最后一段没有提到教育的有效的定义）

我觉得LZ的逻辑有点混乱哦，还有句法 结构也有些混乱，大家都是新手，相互指教吧～

希望谁也帮我看看吧，我根本就没人甩的说。。。https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=796764&page=1&extra=page%3D1#pid177137538
55555555，做人厚道啊

abzeroUID: 2308499

感觉上楼主用了很多不常见的用法，可能是我水平有限吧
还有就是lz文章里例子似乎偏少

我的文章
I129:https://bbs.gter.net/thread-797070-1-1.html
I51:https://bbs.gter.net/thread-797355-1-1.html

Rainy1423UID: 2315816

Education will be truly effective only when it is specially designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student.[鼓励一句话论点]

I agree with the statement that our education should pay much attentionon the individual needs and interests of each student.[不用再重复了吧，可以用别的说法置换一下] However,in myview,the statement goes too far,by suggesting that  everyone receivespecial treatment.If followed the letter[letter指代不明],this suggestion carriescertain social and paychological [technological] implication that might turn out to bemore harmful than beneficial-not just to children [ students] but to the entiresociety.
这一段是在反驳第一段的内容吗？作者的观点似乎消失了。

At the first blush[这个词有问题吧~] the statement seems compelling.As the old sayinggoes,interest is our best teacher.It is common knowledge[搭配问题] that onefunctions most effectively,efficiently and creatively in the areas thathe really interest and excel.Moreover,our society is in the great needof a myriad of talented elicits (elitists) who enjoyed their careers,not "a squarepeg in a round hole",thus they could devote themselves wholeheartly (wholeheartedly) to the collective objectives.Thus,thechief aims of our education is to equip our future citizen with allthey require to take their place in the adult society.
这段说的是教育的目的吧好像，不过跟个人兴趣或需要有什么关系呢？

Beyond the concession ,however,I disagree with the statement becauseundue emphasis on individual needs and interests of each student wouldbe counterproductive to our "true education".[这算是这段的分论点了]Due to the inmaturecoginate skill and understanding of themselves,some pupils don't evenknow what he is really interests in.The Socates impart his wisdom aboutthe meaning of education,"Education is not instilling the stuffings ofinformation to student;rather than to elicit the knowlege from him.Itis like the drawing out of what is in his mind.It shows us the beautyof the truly effective education--- is not instilling stuff butsparking a flame.Yet I am not a student of develpmental psychology,myunderstanding is that unless the innate talent is cultivated during hisearly childhood,the unique treasury would(can) remain forever dormant；and both the child and the society stand to lose as a result.Afterall, how can a musically gifted child ever see those gifts come tofruition(fruition) without access to a musical instrument.Or,how can achild who has a gift for linguist learn a foreign language without atleast some exposure to it?Thus,I believe it is also an effectivee wayto nuture our student to serve a free and tolerant academicambulance(ambience) which they could  take various opportunity and seekout their favorate as their future career(pursuit).

Furthermore, we should never ignore the importance of teaching ourstudents the fundamental courses which focuses on rudimentary knowledgeand abilities in human society.[分论点] For example,true education facilitatean understanding of ourselves ,and tolerance and respect for viewpointsof others.Courses in psychology,socielogy,and anthroploguy all servethese ends.And nobody can be truly educated without having gainedinsight and perspectives regarding one's place in the physical andmetaphysical worlds---through courses work in science ,philosophy andso forth. Since over emphasis on individual needs and interestspossibly turn down the position educators hold to regulate the teachingprocess. Students in such situations, due to their immatureunderstanding of the world, will avoid the difficult courses and onlyselect the ones easy and interesting for them. When they graduate andultimately realize the insanity of their decision, hardly can they makeany remedy.

In sum, our students might seem better able and better motivated topursue their studies while their interests and needs  receive enoughtattention.[总论点]The inescapable conclusion,then,is that how unparactical anddetrimental it is to meet the individual needs and interests of eachstudent in our established education system.

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个人观点：
首先，作者的用词让我看得头晕目眩。本人本来背单词就不行，也就知道一些小破词，所以看作者的复杂搭配非常不习惯，建议作者在写作初期多用小破词。因为作文更注重的是逻辑而非词藻。
其次，文中的蓝字部分是我给你画出你每段的总论点和分论点，不知道画得对不对。作者可以自己对比一下，看看自己的论点是否都相互符合。至少我觉得作者的论点是自相矛盾的。
再次，作者的论证范围其实很局限，似乎是在反复讨论个人兴趣对教育也有参考价值，兴趣之外的东西也对教育也有参考价值。当然，这种态度完全可以成为作者的总论点，只不过题干中还有很多的问题值得讨论，比如教育的有效性是怎么回事，还有个人兴趣和教育到底是相互抵触还是相互扶持的，这些角度很多，可以多从两者之间的关系出发。
最后，作者的论述过程显得很散乱，这可能是因为作者还不太明白怎么论证。论证，无非就是一个说明“为什么”的过程，当你在每段的开头写下一个观点，即给出了一个关于“what”的观点，之后，后面的内容都应该列举足够的理由说明为什么，也就是“why”你会有这样的观点。理由多的时候，还要记得用连词将它们的层次划分开来。当解释完原因，有必要的话，还可以出示你的解决方法，也就是“how”，（当然，一般用不着“how”这一步）。总之，这就是论证的过程了，希望对作者有帮助。


[ 本帖最后由 Rainy1423 于 2008-2-4 16:49 编辑 ]