请大家看看我写的essay,别客气..

tol5530619UID: 2372858

能给出一些修改的意见吗?

深海lavenderUID: 2350207

不知道我说的有道理没,自己给TT批评过N次,现在还怕怕......
看最后两句,LZ写的这是WHY ESSAY?如果这样的话MS只有后面那么一点扯到了WHY上,前面关系MS不是很紧密.看到最后才知道你要写的是WHY......
8 c0 H- {+ {# s  k( K& Y如果是PS的话...同意小寒JJ的话,说实话,这文章看了开头一些就不是特有兴趣往下看了,有点像流水帐.

tol5530619UID: 2372858

谢谢大家...
2 ?9 \( n, w, F# s9 X今天白天在学校使劲赶作业,晚上准备重写,
现在终于重新写了一篇,主要讲的是volunteer in Hong Yuan的, 请大家过目:

5 Y2 n( y; [3 [Last summer, I was so happy because I got the top score on my final exam and become the No. 1 student of the whole school. Like the others, I’m considering what to do during that long summer vacation.

# W! a  m8 Q2 `! M4 W( [I can still clearly remember, on that pleasant sunny day, while I was hanging out with my friends, my father called me. “Do you want to do some volunteering? “ He said. Actually, at that time, I did not what “volunteer” really is. But I think that might be interesting and something I haven’t experienced yet. So I said, “Okay!”

On the way to Hong Yuan, dad told me something more about it. He works near Hong Yuan and he heard that Hong Yuan middle school is lack of teachers, so the Education Ministry of Hong Yuan wanted a volunteer teacher to come and help the children. Dad knows that I am good at English, history, teaching and like playing with children, so he got this opportunity for me.

However, like simple students, most of my time was spent on books and studying, at most I took part in some activities like English corner and went to parties held by my American friends. For the real society, I don’t know much of it; I don’t know what the hunger, poor, pollution, war really is. I just get information from the Medias. So my disadvantage is I don’t have enough experience while my advantage is that I have passion, I have a sense of responsibility for the society. For that reason I consider the coming volunteer work is not a hard work but an opportunity to get closer to the real society.

& d' W! o7 C4 }+ XBut, for the very first several days, I was not feeling well because of the high altitude (about 3000m above the sea level) and the food. My friends cannot imagine my going to Hong Yuan as a volunteer teacher; they said I might felt uncomfortable. Yes, I do like living in big cities like my hometown Chengdu. But I am very clear that this is my decision to come.

$ `% K6 G$ I1 W2 {In Hong Yuan children speak Tibetan since they were born. But they do not have any difficulty in communicating with me for their hard work on their Chinese lessons. So they can understand me well and have a very quick reflection. They have much more passion to JOIN the class than student in towns. During my first class, which I will never forget, a student stood up and asked for a chance to use chalk and draw what he thought to the fellow students. This requirement really shocked me, because I didn’t see this situation before in my school, but I soon permitted him with a smile.
: C; x1 b, ^8 n/ K
- a8 }( A2 E& ~' b! J! X" LAdmittedly, it is still the biggest feature of Chinese education that teachers talk a lot during class and students take notes a lot during class. The more silent class is the better class. Whatever you think it is right or not, you can’t refuse to acknowledge the fact that students do not have their own freedom to search the knowledge themselves. I realized this way ever since I went to visit Arizona State University this winter, several months after my volunteering at Hong Yuan middle school. The American college students are just like the students I met in Hong Yuan, they are a lot more positive than our outstanding Chinese student selected from China Youth Space Academy (CYSA).
0 L( Y  G4 o) ]
During my visit in the States, I feel that teachers in ASU play a role as a leader; they lead students to think and give them freedom to search knowledge they want. Although I admitted that being quiet is certainly important, but the freedom is the condition to encourage students to study hard and well. It was then that my dream to attend ASU began, and for that one instant, I belonged to ASU, ASU belonged to me.

7 t' h$ q8 M) ^' i( Z& u5 cWell, there is a lot to say my feeling of my volunteer work in Hong Yuan. I myself am a very simple high school student. What makes me different from others is that there are several decades’ students deep in my memory, I feel very lucky to spend twenty days living and studying with them and this is a really unique experience for the teenager like me. I am not a real teacher; I cannot give them so much knowledge compared with professional teachers. However, I can be the one who open up the window of their hearts and let a ray of sunshine come in, to warm a little mass of solid and produce the growth of the flower of the dream. What a beautiful name of “opener of the heart window”, isn’t it?

& X6 A/ Q7 o5 O. _7 r+ [
$ k/ k3 G  r+ F% N! u& c谢谢大家的宝贵意见，请继续指导我这个小白哈，谢谢谢谢!!!
还是不要客气哦!!

tolkien_SUID: 2130759

Last summer, I was so happy because I got the top score on my final exam and become the No. 1 student of the whole school. Like the others, I’m considering what to do during that long summer vacation.

I can still clearly remember, on that pleasant sunny day, while I was hanging out with my friends, my father called me. “Do you want to do some volunteering? “ He said. Actually, at that time, I did not what “volunteer” really is. But I think that might be interesting and something I haven’t experienced yet. So I said, “Okay!”

5 J+ K; p% }; S! G0 ZOn the way to Hong Yuan, dad told me something more about it. He works near Hong Yuan and he heard that Hong Yuan middle school is lack of teachers, so the Education Ministry of Hong Yuan wanted a volunteer teacher to come and help the children. Dad knows that I am good at English, history, teaching and like playing with children, so he got this opportunity for me.

However, like simple students, most of my time was spent on books and studying, at most I took part in some activities like English corner and went to parties held by my American friends. For the real society, I don’t know much of it; I don’t know what the hunger, poor, pollution, war really is. I just get information from the Medias. (never volunteered? that's not something good to mention.)So my disadvantage is I don’t have enough experience while my advantage is that I have passion, I have a sense of responsibility for the society. For that reason I consider the coming volunteer work is not a hard work but an opportunity to get closer to the real society.
- S# }: H) G9 H# h. n
But, for the very first several days, I was not feeling well because of the high altitude (about 3000m above the sea level) and the food. My friends cannot imagine my going to Hong Yuan as a volunteer teacher; they said I might felt uncomfortable. Yes, I do like living in big cities like my hometown Chengdu. But I am very clear that this is my decision to come.

In Hong Yuan children speak Tibetan since they were born. But they do not have any difficulty in communicating with me for their hard work on their Chinese lessons. So they can understand me well and have a very quick reflection. They have much more passion to JOIN the class than student in towns. During my first class, which I will never forget, a student stood up and asked for a chance to use chalk and draw what he thought to the fellow students. This requirement really shocked me, because I didn’t see this situation before in my school, but I soon permitted him with a smile. (tell it with more detail or delete it.)
, i( Y- q5 v# S5 L% M$ N! L$ h  Q
" e; d5 [* j; O, p: R(sharp turn in essay, you'd better have some nice and smooth flow)Admittedly, it is still the biggest feature of Chinese education that teachers talk a lot during class and students take notes a lot during class. The more silent class is the better class. Whatever you think it is right or not, you can’t refuse to acknowledge the fact that students do not have their own freedom to search the knowledge themselves. I realized this way ever since I went to visit Arizona State University this winter, several months after my volunteering at Hong Yuan middle school. The American college students are just like the students I met in Hong Yuan, they are a lot more positive than our outstanding Chinese student selected from China Youth Space Academy (CYSA).
! h2 M; ^0 }$ m4 Y' c
& ~3 I5 J5 [' L6 I(you shift from one experience to the other, neither you developed fully)During my visit in the States, I feel that teachers in ASU play a role as a leader; they lead students to think and give them freedom to search knowledge they want. Although I admitted that being quiet is certainly important, but the freedom is the condition to encourage students to study hard and well. It was then that my dream to attend ASU began, and for that one instant, I belonged to ASU, ASU belonged to me.IF this is why essay to ASU, I don't see your "match" with it.
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5 p6 |' d, R9 v" }  B% I9 |$ q2 F6 Hyou shift back all of a suddent~Well, there is a lot to say my feeling of my volunteer work in Hong Yuan. I myself am a very simple high school student.(again, this is not something to be proud of!) What makes me different from others is that there are several decades’ students deep in my memory, I feel very lucky to spend twenty days living and studying with them and this is a really unique experience for the teenager like me. I am not a real teacher; I cannot give them so much knowledge compared with professional teachers. However, I can be the one who open up the window of their hearts and let a ray of sunshine come in, to warm a little mass of solid and produce the growth of the flower of the dream. What a beautiful name of “opener of the heart window”, isn’t it?
2 k" j" x1 P& w; l* f
A sentences can be shorten or better expressed
B questionable part
C fei hua

[ 本帖最后由 tolkien_S 于 2008-2-27 02:42 编辑 ]

xp111UID: 2130634

我以后essay也要找老T改

深海lavenderUID: 2350207

我嫉妒LZ了......TT都没这么给我改过......LZ运气太好了......

tol5530619UID: 2372858

呵呵。..
& V/ s5 Y* y8 ]- b9 v" q* N( U真的谢谢哈...
看来我如果这次申请成功了不写一篇长点的经过还对不起大家了....
谢谢...我会继续努力的!!!

tolkien_SUID: 2130759

那个。。。最近比较闲了一点。。

风尘一叶UID: 2403782

TT让我惊讶的好人。。。

深海lavenderUID: 2350207

哦...那是我运气不好了......SIGH......
/ Q# b5 P) g6 C嫉妒LZ.:(

深海lavenderUID: 2350207

偶的意思是...偶非常感激TT帮我那么多忙,只是羡慕LZ运气太好,得到TT这么详细的指导......

深海lavenderUID: 2350207

:L........你怎么跟豆豆一个样......昨天好不容易上一趟MSN,居然两人都跑来75我......沆瀣一气......:mad :o

tolkien_SUID: 2130759

偶们都是苦命的被豆子欺负的人啊~

深海lavenderUID: 2350207

:handshake SIGH......谁让偶们命苦的呢......TT你是他大姐姐,我是他兄弟......
这家伙......

tol5530619UID: 2372858

我在修改的时候发现自己好象文章的中心不是很突出, 说清楚一点是可以写两个重点
一个是自己volunteer为主的介绍,另一个是通过volunteer的经历来反思城市里面的学校课堂死板的缺陷,从而羡慕ASU的课堂氛围..
( q3 p# j0 c  ?你们说我写哪个更好?
PS: 他们要求的essay是题目自拟,不是WHY类的..

麻烦了..~