考完托福了，跟大家分享一下有帮助的网站（响应版主号召，本帖现在开始为大家改作文）

zhangqun719UID: 2323497

第一次听说美国小站，上去看看还不错，谢谢分享！

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

改前重申观点：不该语法，想让该语法的就别来了，发上来不给改你也挺生气的。为保证您身心健康，洗洗早点睡吧……
1，重申布局，我虽然不喜欢萝卜，而且也不喜欢飞机场，你的作文仅从外表看我一样不会给你高分，因为没有终点段落。你可以看一下国外学生写的文章，他们会有一段长段子，就是重点阐述的段子，我想无论这个题目在难写，你总可以找到一个理由进行重点的语喷以下。
2，重申长句子的问题。莫非你们都上的一个培训班？为什么都这么喜欢写长句子？你的长句子太多，纵观你的整片文章，发现你的长句子太多，英语里面的考试类文章，一般长句子都很少，写几个展示一下能力就好了。满篇跑长句子外国人会很崩溃，考虑到这个有可能崩溃的人要给你评分，还是少写为妙。
3，我比较推荐你的第二段，这段文字写的很好（语法不计），张弛有度，让人读起来感觉你对问行有很强的控制力，而且在写你的主观点前对反响观点的阐述能够让考官认为你考虑问题有两面性。（句子太长，如果能够把其中的几个长句子拆成短句来写，效果更好）
4，你的第三段我没有看懂，举得例子和主旨句有一点没有统一。我看你的主旨句后本以为你会以书籍的内容更广泛来写这一段，结果你的离子却是我产生这样的观点：“虽然电视扼杀了人类的思考，却能够将更多的知识传递给人们……”
5，下一段和第三段的问题差不多，我就不再解释了。
总的来说，通过的文章我可以看出，你的英语语法很不错，长句子写的很好，思考有两面性，不会片面的看问题。但是，你的文章却在论证主旨句的时候有一点问题，总不能很好的围绕你的主旨句来论述，望注意。

阿泰UID: 209473

:victory:

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

谢谢版主加分哈，什么时候给弄个精华？:handshake

hippoieUID: 2571171

Universities, served as an ivory tower which fascinates a shifting number of ambitious people to acquire knowledge, exert a unpredicted influence on the development of society. Thus stirring up a widely studied issue as to whether the university invest more on social activities or academic activities. People are inclined to suppose university to be somewhere students learn professional knowledge. However, rested on my view, social activities should significantly be paid more attention for they are beneficial to physical health as well as mental one.
  On one hand, physical health acts as the essential element of students’ campus living. Without this fundamental support, students’ studies and lives are unrealistic just like cooks without cookers. The nation, long before, have posted a set of standards to varieties of sports, demanding most of the students to score at least the passing rate. However, the fact usually doesn’t live up to its expectation as the average grade students obtain fail to reach the passing rate. Therefore, it is obviously considered a wise decision to invest more on social activities to strengthen university students’ physical conditions and provide a firm basis for their living.
  On the other hand, social activities indicate more access to communication to students with other companions, resulting that mental pleasure can be lasting and improved. It has been a common phenomenon that those students who take an active part in social and sports activities always receive a warm welcome and own awider relationship range. Futhermore , they can stimulate valuable studying experience and an increasing number of imitate friends, leading to their mental brightness.
  While academic learning is surely supposed to be the certain part for universities to focus on, social activities weighs more , since they bring both physical and mental benefit for students’ self-improvement. Thus, it is evidence for universities to concentrate on the development of this segment without any hesitation and unwillingness.

我一月18号就考了。。
楼主顺便给点改进的意见吧。。

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

你的题目是什么啊……至少要把题目发上来啊……:handshake

james011137UID: 2280989

LZ有空帮忙看看，谢谢:handshake
TOPIC: Agree or disagree that nowadays people are too much emphasized on appearance and fashion.

Nowadays, fashion magazines which introduce a myriad of clothes or sort of strategies that make people look more beautiful are very popular. This trend reflects people are more concerns about their appearance. But, in the point of my view, it is normal psychological behaviors, not too much.

In every period of human being, it surly exists standards of beauty which majority of people share. All of us definitely share a belief that we are happy to look at a more beautiful "our self" due to the standard of beauty. Recently years, with the increase of economics, people seem to pay more attention on their appearance and fashion. However, it is very normal psychological behaviors when human being getting rid of basic existence (existence) problem of food. Our society can provide abundant food far beyond our basic need, so we turn our eyes on something else--such as appearance or advanced automobiles. In some sense, that's the symbol of social prosperity (prosperity). Accordingly, we have no reason to concern about we are too much emphasized on appearance.

In addition, our society still has a dramatic (dramatic) improvement on economics or a large degree--civilizations, which can prove that people did not pay too much attention on appearance. Conversely, we surprised find that our government take lots of efficient policies to protect our natural environment and maintain sustainable development in economics. Furthermore, our educational system provides more opportunities to children, especially those low-income family's children; Lots of countries from different regions (regions) hold conference regularly to discuss some global problems, such as the gradually increase of temperature all over the world, the desertification (desertification)and so on. All of these evidence lead credence to the fact that we do not forget our duties about our friends in Africa or our beautiful blue earth while we properly focus (focuses) on our appearance.

To sum up, I admit that we pay attentions on our appearance or fashions. Nevertheless, most importantly, we do not forget our duties about our family, our society, even our blue planet which should be given priority before those attentions on appearance.

hippoieUID: 2571171

不好意思。。
学校应该更注重发展 academic activities还是 social activities???

补上

hippoieUID: 2571171

topic： should government focus more on natural environment and less on economy development?
  Due to the Industralization, economy has seen its massive growth and people's living conditions also undergo an obvious alter accompanying with several negative problems evident enough to catch our attention. Thus, this widely debated question has been raised as to should government focus more on the preserves to natural environment than economic development. Some indicate their supportive view for the ecoconmic development since it has an direct influence on people's living in interests. While in my perspective, the natural environment definitely should be more stressed concerning the following points.
  To begin with, our natural surroundings have already been severely damaged as a subsequent impact of the over growth of economy. Farm lands are replace by broad range of estates. Natural forests are eliminated to suppliment the lack of wood. Clear water resources are also contaminated by the pollutions pour out by industrial factories.It is evident that our natural environment are becoming increasingly harsh. Such consuquence emerge as absence of people's drinking water, less production of vagetable and animal flesh. If government don't reply to this worsen situation, the results will be like what is shown in the movie"The Day afer Tomorrow".
  Government ignorance of natural preserves not only result in decreased interest of people but also exert a negetive effect of the future growth of economy. As is displayed in economy development, natural resources are the very key basis of the economy increase. without massive resouces to provide the raw materials of the industry produce, none can be achieved to reach the goal of economy increase. it even leads to the stop or backup of the economy as this lack of natural resources get worse. Additionally, citizens' living condition will be degraded and starvation or poverty are not far away.
  Admittedly, govenrment concern to emphasize on the economy promotion is consider to be acceptable. However, the significance of natural preservation weighs more concerning the current situation and their influence on the future economy growth. Under this circumstance, government should stress more on the natural environmental preserve.

[ 本帖最后由 hippoie 于 2009-1-3 00:22 编辑 ]

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

重申不该语法……
1，你的句子长短很好，虽然也有一些长句子过多的嫌疑，但是还是可以原谅的，尤其是第二段，长短很和谐。
2，你的文章我不是很喜欢，唯一的亮点可能就是用了一些很少见的词，词语的重复不多，而且套用了模板。
3，你的文章论述的并不清晰，我举个例子，就说第一段，如果你在文章中不想过多的论述too much,你最好在第一段多写一两句论述。让我们更加明白为什么会有些人说too much.然后你在阐述你的观点，就是人们只是normal并不是too much.
4，文章论述不能够很好的围绕中心句来写，比如你第二段，我实在看不明白吃饭和时尚潮流有什么关系，就算你说人们已经吃饱了，有精力来展示穿衣服了，但是貌似衣食住都是很重要的，你没有理由仅用人们吃饱饭了就应该关注自己穿衣服了。退一万步，就算你想写吃，也要弄明白吃是次要的，是你拿来论证你的主题的。现在你的文章有一些喧宾夺主。
5，第三段我根本就没看懂……经济发展怎么可能会和人们注意不注意时尚潮流扯上关系。
总体来说，这是一篇很失败的文章，你可以骂我，说我说话难听，但我还是要说出我自己的观点。这篇文章中心很明确，但是阐述中心太失败了，据的例子和你的文章很难扯上关系有一些生拉硬套。
如果我来写这篇文章，我会一些学术的，一般当人们太重视潮流所带来的直接结果就是社会很浮躁。

By the way, 我很喜欢这句话：表面风光，内心彷徨；容颜未老，心已沧桑；似乎有才，实为江郎；成就难有，郁闷经常；比骡子累比蚂蚁忙，比岳飞更忠良!!

soficaUID: 2585947

谢谢楼主~~推荐的网站收藏了

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

1.第一段的句子太长，亏了我不是看完一句话才喘气，要不然早被你文章第一句话别死了。但之后的句子都还行，就是第一段太崩溃了。另外，长句子最好放在中间，你全把长句子放在第一句，看了让人心情不太好。
2，我非常欣赏你的第二段，阐述清楚举例明确，很和谐的一段文章，看了让人很舒服。如果你要用引用，最好描述一下你引用的东西，或是直接饮用句子，你用“The Day afer Tomorrow"这个太扯了，我怎么知道你要用什么……再说了，如果我没看过呢……我可能就把这个电影名称当成爱情片了，你怎么解释？到时候哭都没地方哭……
3，希望写文章的时候分出主次来，最好有一段重点阐述的。另外，这个题目如果能在写一些人们为什么终是发展经济而忽略环境保护就很完美了。比如说你最后一段，如果能在“……is consider to be acceptable.”之后加上为什么会to be acceptalbe， 这样看起来就更好了。

总的来说你对文章的驾驭还是挺强的，但是有的时候不知道为什么总部把话说完，不能把你要表大的一些句子表达更清楚。比如我在第三点的时候给你说的。

阿泰UID: 209473

好好改

改到100篇有奖

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

100篇，这不是逼我放弃希望么……你至少要给个精华鼓励鼓励啊……:handshake :rolleyes:

阿泰UID: 209473

我跟其他版主商量商量