20天托福110分复习计划，由于另一个帖子楼数太高，现在本帖也开始为各位改作文

chineseladyUID: 2403976

狼, 托你的福, 上次作文考了20分. 刚刚收到老师的EAMIL,说我再考次T的话就会录取我. 真是好消息呢! 跟你share 下. 所以这次又免不了麻烦你看作文了. 记得考试时候还是蛮考虑你的意见. 我的作文2 和3段有很多都类似的地方. 我后来的日子也很小心. 多谢你的提醒了. 自从1.18 考完后英语都没碰过. 这是两个多月来的第一篇, 写的时候很手生呢. 好多词汇都想不起来了. 请你多批评吧! 不知道从20升到25会不会很麻烦, 但是至少也得22或23吧.

The ability to cooperate with other well is more important today than in the past

Since the society has adopted modern way to move on, people have to improve their skills in different fields to cater this new world. In order to make others understand better and easily in both working and studying position, the ability of cooperation has played an essential role to achieve it. It is one of the key abilities that people in present society should master. Therefore, I prefer to indicate that cooperation ability is more important than it was in the past.

Firstly, mutual understanding through cooperation may bring more benefits. Better communication can avoid problems and troubles, which will increase the efficiency in any situations. Presently, there seldom happened that only one person struggles for one program without any assistance or members. When students are working in the lab, they need to cooperate and discuss to complete instead of doing by only himself/herself. Consider this, each group member gets to have his/her specific viewpoints. If they cannot cooperate to make a best decision, it will be very hard to finish any projects. For the reason is they may adopt their plans rather than deliberate other members’ merit. People with capacity to cooperate can communicate well and absorb more benefits from cooperators.

Lacking of capacity of cooperation would not bring any other advantages. For instance, people generally could learn more by cooperating with different people, from knowledge to culture. In companies, the employees need to improve social skills in cooperation. That is a practical ability. And sometimes people master the new knowledge when do something in one group together, especially for those who work in International Corporation. Working with people from distinctive culture provides a more direct environment to understand foreign customs; because they really involve in exotic cultures. So ability to cooperate would bring other knowledge.

In conclusion, there many programs and schedules need to be finished at present. We say that the capacity of cooperation could reduce the barriers between people, and cooperation has been more significant with the development of this world. Therefore, the able to cooperate is more useful and important than it was in the past.

EARTHACHUUID: 2625591

GREAT!

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

回复daney68：你这篇文章写的不是很好，主要原因有以下三点：
1，引用过多，第二段上来就是一个数据，但是数据太多，几乎占了全段的1半还多……，你可以精简一下，少用一些句子。
2，尽量不要用整段写自己的观点。你想，如果你要论证一个事情是对还是错，会有两种方法：a，论证事件A非常非常错，b，论证事件B非常非常对。但是你的文章里，两面都写，所以既没有很详细的写出A为什么错，也没有写好B为什么对。
3，整片文章给我的感觉是没有用心些，和以前写的有差距……

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

回复jstzfish：实际上写的感觉很好的一片文章，但是有些僵硬了。（我的感觉）
1，你的引用太长，如果你想引用一句很长的话可以通过用省略号代替中间部分，只写出前后相关的话就好了。
2，”In recent years , the film industry is becoming more and more commercialized , movie-makers tend to put the economic interest as the first consideration .“这个段子是为了证明什么的？好像和主题没有什么联系。
3，第三段中电影对你的影响没有铺开些，这部分最重要，你却省略了……

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

回复：chineselady：真为你高兴，送上狼的祝福（为什么听起来像黄鼠“狼”给鸡拜年……）下面就针对你20-23之间的差距说一下你这篇文章。
很明显，你文章的思路很清晰，这保证了你能够得到15分以上，另外，你有一些长句子并且对论点有讨论，这就保证了你能得到20-21，（你的运气不好，得了20分）。但是你的例子导致你的失分，我记得以前跟你说过，外国人很重视例子，他们认为一个结合自身的好例子，会比好几段的空谈来得更有效果。我不知道你考试的时候文章怎么写的，但是就目前来看，你的举例是十分最大的原因。如果可以的话，你可以把你考场上写的那篇文章写下来，我帮你分析一下，这样会对你的提高产生非常大的影响。

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

回复：daney68，我主要就是记论点和作者的态度，无论是文章还是教授，这样论点+态度，就算你记不住什么细节，分数一样很高。呵呵

阿泰UID: 209473

感觉旅狼童鞋坚持这么长时间不懈，很难得啊

chineseladyUID: 2403976

记得考试那天, 小作文对照的很工整, 我觉得还可以. 可能是3段有个信息遗漏. 但是听说大部分都写出来的话也不会很苛刻. 好像不是要求每个点都要写. 评论说我写的某些地方跟听力有出入. 其实, 我倒认为很多点都写出来了. 不过没有结尾就是没有, In conclusion那段. 大作文的题目是: 与家人吃饭是否很重要. 一段内容.
以前由于社会较封闭, 人们的工作范围也仅仅限于家附近. 所以回家吃饭是必然也很方便. 现在的社会人们换工作的机会很大, 有的甚至在外城市. 虽然比以前忙碌了很多但是与家人吃饭还是很重要的. 理由是增进感情. 二段:
刚结婚的人应该回家跟家人吃饭. 增进了解, 工作有问题可以互相鼓励, 促进感情. 如果刚刚结婚就常不回家吃饭会引起另一方的不满, 对稳固的家庭不利. 3段内容:
家里有小孩子的更应该与家人吃饭. 孩子感觉有家庭气氛. 女孩看妈妈做饭, 就知道自己将来也要做饭(好像是这么写的, 汗~), 于是就知道自己的职责(这个地方有点牵强吧, 当时就想快写而且有点紧张就啥也顾不上了). 丈夫回家吃饭也会培养男孩的责任感…..孩子成长需要家庭环境, 父母也需要了解孩子与孩子增进感情. 吃饭时间是个合适的时间大家都在一起….4段: 就是总结呗…大概内容是这些, 我都是以第三人称写的. 字数365左右, 不到400. 写完最后一个字母就剩3秒了. 问题: 我写例子时候老用第三人称合适吗? 还是第一人称更好?

daney68UID: 2582640

168# 腾格里旅狼

谢谢你诚恳的指教！

不过我还是有些不明白，托福作文是要求把一个问题的论证周全（特别是gree or disgree这样的问题），还是就像你说的一样，只需要把一个问题的一方面（gree/disgree）论证充分即可？

xiao243410UID: 2550990

支持一下













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腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

回复：翠花lady:因为你写的不是很清晰，所以不知道你的议论怎么样，但是单单就例子来说，你就写的不是很好，简单说一下，你在写第三段的时候，写上这样一个例子“我父亲很忙，很少回家吃饭，所以……，我的邻居却无论如何都会回家吃饭……”这样一些，不但写出了自己的真实感受，更能博得一些感情分。

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

回复：daney68：托福作文确实需要写出两面性，但是之需要让别人看到你能两面的考虑问题就好了，不需要单独分出一段来写，之需要在结尾或者开头用两三句写一下就行了。

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

……些了评论没人理了……

daney68UID: 2582640

177# 腾格里旅狼

谢谢指点，我这篇文章主要是没有想到很好的素材，构思了半天，结果写的时候只是把道理拼凑起来，的确显得很不用心。呵呵。还有一个原因是当时写文章的时候，对托福作文的要求并没有深入了解。写的时候信心不足。

daney68UID: 2582640

这是我刚刚将我的第一篇重新修改了一遍，增加了一点例子，不过最后结尾还是不知道怎么写好？

Nowadays, along with rapidly technolognical development, computer games have become popular in children's life. Some people believe that playing computer game is wasting time as result of computer games occupying most time on students study. Personally,I agree with the statement not only for that, but just for the computer games negative affects on children's development(还是用growing up好).

There might be a threat of computer games to children in their study life. They are not aware that computer games are time consuming and wasting their valuable time which they should devote on studies. Some students being glued to computer for several hours a day, they would neglect or even generate boredom with their homework.. What is more, those who are addicited to computer games to some extent waste the whole holidays, yet which they had planed to go on a trip with the family or do a part-time job. Similar to drugs and alcohol, once being addicted to computer games ,it is not easy to get out of the bad habit for children by themseleve. Naturally, It would destory their bright future.

Besides, playing computer games is detrimental to children's pyhsical health. There is a huge percent of children in High Schools who have a crooked posture,in symptom of headaches and damage to joints,with the reason that they frequently play computer games yet lack of exercises.Apart from this, what is more serious that children would be prone to eye strains as result of being affacted with ray coming out of computer screen.

Comparing to damage for physical health, the computer games with violence and wars have negative metal effects on children's whole life. They play the games then imitate the violent behaviors which embedded into their minds. Recently a news reported that a 16 years old student kill his mother result form the opponent on PC games by his mother. It so depressed and astonished that people hear about this .What is more, they would have less time on communicating with their families and friends and be likely to become unsociable and eccentric.