无模版求拍 argument 169

Chelsea_CCUID：2627394

因为不是太喜欢用模版，所以不知道写的到底怎么样
语法错误肯定是有的
我尽力避免了

实在是想看看有什么
该怎么改进
谢谢各位了

写的时候还是感觉有点混乱



TOPIC: ARGUMENT169 - The following appeared in a letter from a department chairperson to the president of Pierce University.

"Some studies conducted by Bronston College, which is also located in a small town, reveal that both male and female professors are happier living in small towns when their spouses are also employed in the same geographic area. Therefore, in the interest of attracting the most gifted teachers and researchers to our faculty and improving the morale of our entire staff, we at Pierce University should offer employment to the spouse of each new faculty member we hire. Although we cannot expect all offers to be accepted or to be viewed as an ideal job offer, the money invested in this effort will clearly be well spent because, if their spouses have a chance of employment, new professors will be more likely to accept our offers."



Ere （可以用这个么
用before 好像很多）spending money on offering employment to the spouse of each new faculty member we hire, carefully experiment should be taken to the studies in this argument. The author assumes that these money for these offers will be well spent base on the studies conducted by Broston College, regardless many unsubstantial factors may render this recommendation unconvincing.

To begin with, the author bases the recommendation on the studies without giving any detail about them，like weather the number of responders is larger enough to carry the whole tend， and weather they were representative of college faculty in general, or just the faculty of Bronstan College in particular. If the studies involved only Bronston faculty, consider the differences in the two colleges, it would be less reliable for the recommendation to rest on. For the faculty may be satisfied with the …
In addition, the author also overlooks the difference between the two towns. It is entirely possible that the town mentioned in the studies has convenient and clean, while the town located the Pierce College is less comfortable, and this may be a reason for the faculty’s not choose living in the town. So the studies may, again, not validity for the Pierce College.
Furthermore, the author fail to mention what kind of work do the professors’ spouses have can make them happy. And do they happy working for the same employee or different employees. And the author still fail to ruling out this weather the pay and benefits of the work in the two difference town will affect their happiness.If this were the case, the studies’ results would be questionable

The author, again, unfairly assumes that the offer for gift teachers and researches is the key affecter for them to choose a work. Perhaps gift teachers and researches have more choice for work and they takes many affect like payment, the circumstance of the researching or teaching. And it is also possible that the spouses of new professors already have a stand and well-pained work which is much better then the college would offer. If this is the case, the professors are unlikely to accept the offers.And even the they accept, they may be not bring the school more incoming, then the author’s assumption that the money will be well spend amount to poor

In sum, the author bases on the unsubstantial studies to recommend that the college should offer employment to the gifted teachers and researchers. It will be better to give a detail and more information of the study and take more affecters in to court. But the author fails to do so.

eadscarmenUID：2341533

因为不是太喜欢用模版，所以不知道写的到底怎么样
语法错误肯定是有的
我尽力避免了

实在是想看看有什么
该怎么改进
谢谢各位了

写的时候还是感觉有点混乱



TOPIC: ARGUMENT169 - The following appeared in a letter from a department chairperson to the president of Pierce University.

"Some studies conducted by Bronston College, which is also located in a small town, reveal that both male and female professors are happier living in small towns when their spouses are also employed in the same geographic area. Therefore, in the interest of attracting the most gifted teachers and researchers to our faculty and improving the morale of our entire staff, we at Pierce University should offer employment to the spouse of each new faculty member we hire. Although we cannot expect all offers to be accepted or to be viewed as an ideal job offer, the money invested in this effort will clearly be well spent because, if their spouses have a chance of employment, new professors will be more likely to accept our offers."



Ere （可以用这个么
用before 好像很多， you are right）spending money on offering employment to the spouse of each new faculty member we hire, carefully experiment should be taken to the studies in this argument. The author assumes that these money for these offers will be well spent base on the studies conducted by Broston College, regardless many unsubstantial factors may render this recommendation unconvincing.(good)

To begin with, the author bases the recommendation on the studies without giving any detail about them，like weather the number of responders is larger enough to carry the whole tend， and weather they were representative of college faculty in general, or just the faculty of Bronstan College in particular. If the studies involved only Bronston faculty, consider the differences in the two colleges, it would be less reliable for the recommendation to rest on. For the faculty may be satisfied with the …
In addition, the author also overlooks the difference between the two towns. It is entirely possible that the town mentioned in the studies has convenient and clean, while the town located the Pierce College is less comfortable, and this may be a reason for the faculty’s not choose living in the town. So the studies may, again, not validity for the Pierce College.
Furthermore, the author fail to mention what kind of work do the professors’ spouses have can make them happy. And do they happy working for the same employee or different employees. And the author still fail to ruling out this weather the pay and benefits of the work in the two difference town will affect their happiness.If this were the case, the studies’ results would be questionable

The author, again, unfairly assumes that the offer for gift teachers and researches is the key affecter(factor) for them to choose a work. Perhaps gift teachers and researches have more choice for work and they takes many affect like payment, the circumstance of the researching or teaching. And it is also possible that the spouses of new professors already have a stand and well-pained work which is much better then the college would offer. If this is the case, the professors are unlikely to accept the offers. And even the they accept, they may be not bring the school more incomings, then the author’s assumption that the money will be well spend amount to poor

In sum, the author bases on the unsubstantial studies to recommend that the college should offer employment to the gifted teachers and researchers. It will be better to give a detail and more information of the study and take more affecters(aspects) in to court(into account). But the author fails to do so.

A: too many grammatical mistakes, which can be eliminated.
B: have a clear structure.
C: good opening of each passage.
D: begining and ending are good.