0910AW 同主题写作第二期 ARGUMENT173 by fiefuyt

fiefuytUID: 2303116

The claim that Newsbeat should pay little attention to international news and decrease the number of international news storied on the magazine covers sounds reasonable at first thought.After all,the arguer does offer some relevant evidence,and the assumptions underlying this argument are not without merits.However,several important concerns,which the arguer fails to address in the analysis,may seriously undermine the argument.


To begin with, one major problem with the argument is the unwarranted assumption that the arguer fails to consider other relevant factors-the cover design,the wording of the headlines,the content and quality of the international news stories,the content of the inside articles,etc-which may account for the poor selling record of the magazine issues that feature international news stories on thier front covers.

The reason rests on the assumption that Newbeat is similar to the other competing news-magazines in all respects.This assumption is weak,since although there are points of comparison between them,there are many dissimilarities at all.The competing news-magazines decrease the number of cover stories may have others reason,such as they don't have enough people to do the part of the international news.

Last but not least,the arguer fails to take into account several other factors that might weaken the reasoning in this argument.The argur fails to see the possibility that Newbeat might attract many new readers with excellent cover stories of internatioal news while its rivals stop doing so.
Moreover,the arguer fails to provide any information concerning the tastes of readers.

To sum up,  the argument is not well reasoned.To make it logically acceptable,the arguer would have to demonstrate that the tastes of readers.Additionally,the arguer must provide evidence to rule out all the abovementioned possibilities that might weaken the argument.

iloveusa2009UID: 2650557

The claim that Newsbeat should pay little attention to international news and decrease the number of international news storied on the magazine covers sounds reasonable at first thought. （感觉开头这句话有点头重脚轻，因此个人认为下划线那些文字可以暂且去掉）After all, the arguer does offer some relevant evidence, and the assumptions underlying this argument are not without merits. （这句话算是让步吗？但是给人的感觉有点啰嗦，我认为这句话可以再次删掉，尤其是最后粉色的那种写法，可能是我才疏学浅，我觉得有点太绕了，即便想表达以下假设是有合理的有价值的地方，那可以直接说，这样来一个双重否定，颇具ETS阅读出题人的风格。）However,several important concerns, which the arguer fails to address in the analysis, may seriously undermine the argument.

整个第一段作者的写作意图比较明显，摈弃掉被我等惯常使用的模版式开头，可以看得出作者是看过论坛中相关Argument写作的指导帖子。不过值得注意的是，既然要采取简洁的开头，那就应当更加直接的把态度表达出来，下划线的两句话去掉之后会更通畅一些。


To begin with, one major problem with the argument is the unwarranted assumption that the arguer fails to consider other relevant factors-the cover design, the wording of the headlines, the content and quality of the international news stories, the content of the inside articles,(这两个去掉一个，你不觉得意思有些重复了吗？) etc and so forth-which may account for the poor selling record of the magazine issues that feature international news stories on thier front covers. Without more evidence about the reason of poor-selling magazine issue, the arger cannot make a conclusion that the international cover stories lead to this result.

Argument每一个主体段落主要由三部分组成：指出错误，举出他因，段落批判小结。你似乎把第三部分给少了。


Secondly, the reason rests on the assumption that Newbeat is similar to the other competing news-magazines in all respects. This assumption is weak, since although there are points of comparison many dissimilarities between them, there are many dissimilarities at all. The competing news-magazines decrease the number of cover stories may have others other reason, such as they don't  do not have enough people to do the part of the work for international news. Without more evidence about... (句式同上一段落结尾)

这一段你似乎提到了两个错误，一个是找本杂志和其他杂志的差别（可以使内容侧重、市场定位或者综合实力），另一个是说其他杂志减少国际新闻报道是出于人力物力缺乏的现实状况限制的考虑。这两点我觉得你可以分开写，但如果合到一起写，那就在第一句话之后紧接It is entirely possible that + (理由一) Or perphaps + 理由二，段落结尾再用Without 句型收尾就可以了。这里姑且原谅我不用这种方式给你改写了，那样这个段落就面目全非了。


Last but not least, Thirdly, the arguer fails to take into account several other factors that might weaken the reasoning in this argument. (大哥，每一段找一个错误你就直接说错误就好了，这样泛泛而谈的话可以省略掉了)
The argur fails to see the possibility that Newbeat might attract many new readers with excellent cover stories of internatioal news while its rivals stop doing so. Moreover, the arguer fails to provide any information concerning the tastes of readers.

你这一段的错误是指出作者没有考虑到未来的某些好的可能性，这个也说得过去，但是我觉得更重要的问题是应当指出：杂志的国际新闻报道费用的增加并不意味着应当减少对其地投入关注，没有相关的成本收益的综合参考，以及大经济环境的对比，很难说这种成本增加是否会超出自身的承受范围。
说完这个之后，你可以顺带提一下假如读者是对这方面新闻非常感兴趣的，那说明这个领域的市场前景很广阔，这样一来，就算成本增加，但是考虑到更多稳定的收益，依然不能减少对这块大蛋糕的关注程度。

To sum up,  the argument is not well reasoned. To make it logically acceptable, the arguer would have to must demonstrate that show more information about the tastes of readers. Additionally, the arguer must provide evidence to rule out all the abovementioned possibilities that might weaken the argument.

结尾写得简练一些也是可以的，尤其是最后一句话，似乎记得在上宁立波的课的时候他这样写过。不过我建议，前面段落中提到过的具体的错误和整改措施就不要再写了，这一段如果考试的时候来不及，就这样写最后一句也未尝不可，如果还有时间，可以捎带写一下前面没提到的过的整改措施建议。



总结及建议：
1、开头和结尾的简练写法值得我们借鉴，尽量在这两个部分减少模版的痕迹是我等必须重视的一点。
2、每个主体段落的基本框架不能丢，这个部分适当的借鉴模版是可行的，有时甚至是必要的。
3、如果说Issue每个主题段落要避免出现First, secondly, thirdly这类排序词汇的话， 那么在Argument中这样做就是可行的，甚至是推荐的。
4、有话直说，越直越好，越简洁越好，尤其是每段开头直接指出错误的那句话，这一点请格外注意。


以上
2009.6.28 批改完毕。

fiefuytUID: 2303116

The claim that Newsbeat should decrease the number of international news storied on the magazine covers sounds reasonable at first thought. However,several important concerns,which the arguer fails to address in the analysis,may seriously undermine the argument.






To begin with, one major problem with the argument is the unwarranted assumption that the arguer fails to consider other relevant factors-the cover design,the wording of the headlines,the content and quality of the international news stories and so forth-which may account for the poor selling record of the magazine issues that feature international news stories on thier front covers.
Without more evidence about the reason of poor-selling magazine issue, the arger cannot make a conclusion that the international cover stories lead to this result.



Secondly,the reason rests on the assumption that Newbeat is similar to the other competing news-magazines in all respects.It is entirely possible that there are many dissimilarities between them, like market orientation and comprehensive
strength. Or perhaps the competing news-magazines decrease the number of cover stories may have other reason,such as they do not have enough people to work for international news.
If so, then the author's recommendation would make little sense.




Thirdly, the increase of the costs to the international news magazine
does not mean that the company should reduce its concerns, there is no cost-benefit related to a comprehensive reference, as well as the largest economy in contrast to the environment.
It is difficult to say whether the increase in such costs would exceed the scope of their own to bear. If the readers are very interested in this information which indicate the market outlook in this area is very wide. Even if the cost increase,
taking into account the more stable income, we still can not reduce the concern of the big cake.Moreover, the argur fails to see the possibility that Newbeat might attract many new readers with excellent cover stories of internatioal news while its rivals stop doing so.Moreover,t he arguer fails to provide any information concerning the tastes of readers.




To sum up,  the argument is not well reasoned.To make it logically acceptable,the arguer must show more information about the tastes of readers.Additionally,the arguer must provide evidence to rule out all the above-mentioned possibilities that might weaken the argument.



又是一篇大改特改的文章，我实在是不愿意再看它一遍了，楼上的如果有时间能帮我再看看就好了，感激不尽呀，期待更猛烈的暴风雨：P

iloveusa2009UID: 2650557

这一遍至少从整体形式来看就上路多了。

不过还有一些细节我上次忘说了，关于标点的。

每句话最后一个单词后面紧跟标点，此标点与下一个单词之间要空一格。
每段话结束后要空一行，再写下一段。

破折号的输入方法是两个连续的减号， 破折号与前后单词之间，或都空一格，或都不空格紧跟单词。

大体的注意事项就这些，已经写得不错了，再接再厉！

fiefuytUID: 2303116

哈，标点符号确实是我需要注意的地方哟，还在慢慢改正中，谢谢楼上滴指点呀：）
最近爱上了写A，估计和楼上童鞋对偶滴提点有关，觉得A也不是那么难嘛，哈哈，只是写的东东还没来得及修改滴，估计仔细改下来又要大动刀子啦，呵呵
有时间咱们再交流交流噻，最近有啥大作没，发上来给俺借鉴借哈：）