TOEFL集结号暑期作文第1次作业by MVT

MVTUID: 2588209

TOPIC: Do you agree or disagree? Playing computer games is wasting time; children should not be allowed to play them.

SYLLABUS:
1. 社会进步，电脑使用多引发孩子玩游戏的话题，不同意机械下禁令；
2. 使用电脑和玩游戏属于个人自由范畴；
3. 有些电脑游戏就是为促进儿童智力和教育所开发；
4. 不可否认很多游戏不适合儿童玩，但是应该多疏导、多监督，而不是盲目禁止

As the development of science and technology in human kind history, people can benefit remarkably from the super modern society, especially the advent of personal computer and as well as the internet service. For instance, we feel no longer alone and boring as long as we make friends in a chat room or download a computer game. However, hereby intrigues a big issue on whether children should be allowed to play computer game. In my opinion, children should have the freedom to play computer games.

To begin with, the way to use computer is sort of private business and individual freedom. Many parents and educators are exclaiming the deprivation of computer from teenagers because they are worry about the bad influence of computer games. It seems acceptable and reasonable from the situation of little chicken adults. Yet, each individual has the right to use computer even to play computer games. The computer, games or whatsoever, are products of human kinds for the consumers. Therefore, the rude constriction on children's use of computer is illegal and biased.

What's more, computer games sometimes facilitate the brain development of children rather than waste their time. We all know, little children would feel sick if they are taught from the icy screen or rigid book, which are boring. The appearance of computer games can improve the education results and sharp the intelligence development of children through the vivid picture, melodious sound and inspired story or plot. It is common that a huge portion of parents purchase some suitable educating stuff from the piles of computer markets, which are mostly
compiled and programmed by means of computer games.

Yet, not all computer games are suitable and conducive to children's development and education. Some of these games are teemed with criminal and pornography that easily leads to adolescent crimes. Also, some computer games mean to detract children's interests from common life and finally persuade them to spend more. From this angle, in order to attain a expected effect, children's usage on personal computer need more guidance and instruction from the parents, teachers and educators than restriction on playing computer games. Besides, more insightful
supervise should be put on computer game development and commodities dealers to prevent children's overdue and unreasonable focus on computer games.
(376words)

jiang08UID: 2391146

As the development of science and technology in human (kind多余) history, people can benefit remarkably from the （super多余） modern society, especially 这里是不是要加with？表示“随着”？the advent of personal computer （and多余，和as well as二选一就够了） as well as the internet （service多余）. For instance, we feel no longer alone and boring as long as we make friends in a chat room or download a computer game. However, hereby intrigues a big issue on whether children should be allowed to play computer game.第一段最好不要展开得太详细（如for instance此类词组开头的句子） In my opinion, children should have the freedom to play computer games.

To begin with, the way to use computer is sort of private business and individual freedom. Many parents and educators are exclaiming the deprivation of computer from teenagers because they are worry （worried，worry是动词，和are不能直接并列） about the bad （可以用negative之类的）influence of computer games. It seems acceptable and reasonable from the situation of little chicken adults（？）. Yet, each individual has the right to use computer even to play computer games. 在这里可以考虑加上一点关于equal human rights甚至是us constitution的内容 The computer, games or whatsoever (具体是指什么？), are products of human kinds for the consumers. Therefore, the rude constriction on children's use of computer is illegal and biased.

What's more, computer games sometimes facilitate the brain development of children rather than waste their time. We all know,（逗号换成that） little children would feel sick if they are taught from the icy screen or rigid book, which are boring. The appearance of computer games can improve the education results and sharp（动词是sharpen） the intelligence development （sharpen the development这个搭配很少见，动词可以考虑用boost）of children through the vivid picture, melodious sound and inspired story （or plot多余）. It is common that a huge portion of parents purchase some suitable educating stuff （educational programs）from the piles of computer markets, which are mostly compiled and programmed by means of computer games.

Yet, not all computer games are suitable and conducive to children's development and education. Some of these games are teemed with criminal and pornography that easily leads to adolescent crimes. Also, some computer games mean (改用被动，are meant，游戏本身没有倾向，是被制造者所赋予的) to detract children's interests from common life and finally persuade them to spend more. From this angle, in order to attain （achieve用得较多） a（改the） expected effect, children's usage on personal computer need more guidance and instruction from the parents, teachers and educators than restriction on playing computer games. Besides, more insightful
supervise should be put on computer game development and commodities dealers to prevent children's overdue and unreasonable focus on computer games. 用让步直接做末尾段从语境上说没有问题，（我觉得很一气呵成），但是从应试作文角度考虑，最好还是把结论段分开，重述下你的观点。

MVT 发表于 2009-7-14 23:14

逻辑论证很清晰到位，句子结构也比较地道了，就是用词经常有重复意思的两个词语并列的情况出现。

MVTUID: 2588209

tks a lot, my majesty!
I learned a lot from ur correction and comments!

zliuKaiserUID: 2522209

As the development of science and technology in human (去掉kind) history (as在这里是连词,应该连接两个句子,所以第一个分句应该修改,例如As great progress in science and technology have been made), people can benefit remarkably from the (去掉super) modern society, especially (增加from) the advent of personal computer (去掉and) as well as the internet service. For instance, we feel no longer alone (应该是lonely, alone是单独, lonely是心理的孤独) and boring (boring是令人厌烦, 建议换成bored或者其他词) as long as (我不知道as long as是否表示因果关系, 如果不是建议换成since或者as或者…) we make friends in a chat room or download a computer game. However, hereby (这是一个副词,不可以做主语, 可以改为this) intrigues (arouse, intrigue的意思是激起某人的兴趣,后面一般跟somebody) a big issue on whether children should be allowed to play computer game (games). In my opinion, children should have the freedom to play computer games.


To begin with, the way to use computer is sort of private business and individual freedom(我认为,individual freedom和private business 重复,而且individual表示一个人的,但没有personal的意思,不如改为personal). Many parents and educators are exclaiming the deprivation of computer from teenagers because they (去掉are) worry about the bad (negative) influence of computer games. It seems acceptable and reasonable from (是不是应该使用for?) the situation of little chicken adults. Yet, each individual has the right to use (make use of是不是好一点?) computer even
(我认为even有比较的意思,或者强调出乎意料,但这里好像没有这种意思) to play computer games. The computer games or whatsoever are products of human kinds for the consumers. Therefore, the rude constriction on children's use of computer is illegal and biased (这个因果关系为什么成立? 因为computer games是人类的产品吗? 不如直接把 “ The computer games or whatsoever are products of human kinds for the consumers.” 删掉).


What's more, computer games sometimes facilitate the brain development of children rather than waste their time. We all know (that) little children would feel sick if they are taught from the icy screen or rigid book, which are (is) boring. The appearance of computer games can improve the education results (effectiveness, 我感觉improve result搭配不是很好) and sharp (sharpen,或者如沙发所说用boost, 或者accelerate) the intelligence development of children through the vivid picture, melodious sound and inspired story or plot. It is common that a huge portion of(a huge portion 是否表达了common的意思,我认为应该去掉) parents purchase some suitable educating stuff from the piles of computer (software) markets, which are mostly compiled and programmed by means of computer games (compile, program不可能通过游戏的手段, 最后一个分句改为which are mostly in the form of computer games可能更恰当一些).


Yet, not all computer games are suitable and conducive to children's development and education. Some of these games are teemed with criminal and pornography that easily (may) leads (lead,因为主语是Some) to adolescent crimes. Also, some computer games mean to detract children's interests from common life and finally persuade them to spend more (time). From this angle (perspective), in order to attain a (an) expected effect, children's usage on personal computer need more guidance and instruction from the parents, teachers and educators than restriction on playing computer games. Besides, more insightful supervise should be put on computer game development and commodities dealers to prevent children's overdue and unreasonable focus on computer games.

我很佩服作者的词汇量,我学到很多词和词组比如commodity dealer, supervise, be teemed with, melodious, adolescent crime, intrigue.
作者的结尾非常漂亮,我很佩服.
但是美中不足的是全文缺少具体的例子,这可能不利于作者获得高分.