argument48 by [728西安]小红莓

小红莓UID: 2641349

TOPIC: ARGUMENT48 - The following appeared in a newspaper article published in the country of Corpora.

"Twenty years ago, one half of all citizens in Corpora met the standards for adequate physical fitness as then defined by the national advisory board on physical fitness. Today, the board says that only one quarter of all citizens are adequately fit and suggests that spending too much time using computers may be the reason. But since overall fitness levels are highest in regions of Corpora where levels of computer ownership are also highest, it is clear that using computers has not made citizens less physically fit. Instead, as shown by this year's unusually low expenditures on fitness-related products and services, the recent decline in the economy is most likely the cause, and fitness levels will improve when the economy does."
WORDS: 471
TIME: 00:30:00
DATE: 2009-7-16 下午 10:20:54

In this argument, the author concludes that fitness levels of citizens in Corpora will improve when the economy does. To support this conclusion, the author points out that two years ago one half of all citizens in Corpora met the standards for the adequate physical fitness as then defined by the national advisory board on physical fitness while today the board says that only one quarter of all citizens is adequately fitting and suggests that spending too much time using computers may be the reason. The author also claims that the overall fitness levels are highest in regions of Corpora where levels of computer ownership are also highest so the computer is not the reason. The argument has several logical flaws.

To begin with, the comparison between the fitness levels of twenty years ago and today is not enough to support the author's claim. Firstly, the author fails to show the fitness level of the whole nation twenty years ago. If, for example, 90 percent of the citizens of the whole nation met the standards for adequate physical fitness, it just means, in turn, the fitness levels of Corpora are very low twenty years ago. Secondly, the author does not clearly mention the fitness level of Corpora of today. What does "adequately fit" mean? Is it meaning that meeting the standards for adequate physical fitness by the national advisory board on physical fitness? Or other standards? Without clear information, the comparison is not scientific.

Next, even if the fitness levels are really decreased, the author fails to prove that the computer is not the reason. There is no evidence that the regions of Corpora where levels of computer ownership are highest have the highest using rates of computers. Perhaps that region has the highest pay, highest quality of living, highest levels of a computer ownership level, and also the highest fitness level. Perhaps it is the highest pay that leads to the high fitness levels and the computer do harmful to the health. And, there are no scientific statistics to show that the computer could not make citizens less physically fit.

What's more, even if the computer is not the reason, there may be some other reasons that lead to the lower fitness levels rather than the economy. Perhaps the citizens are busy for working and therefore, lack of exercise, which may result in low fitness levels. Perhaps the citizens do not like the expenditures on fitness-related products and services because of the tastes, services and some other reason, instead of lack of money to expedite.

To sum up, the argument is unconvincing as it stands. To strengthen it, the author should provide clear evidence that the fitness level of the citizens of Corpora is really decreased, and it is caused by the economy, rather than computers, or some other reasons.

托斯卡纳教父UID: 2607325

In this argument, the author concludes that fitness levels of citizens in Corpora will improve when the economy does. To support this conclusion, the author points out that two years ago one half of all citizens in Corpora met the standards for the adequate physical fitness as then defined by the national advisory board on physical fitness while today the board says that only one quarter of all citizens is adequately fitting and suggests that spending too much time using computers may be the reason. （这一句是在复述文章，觉得作用不大。）The author also claims that the overall fitness levels are highest in regions of Corpora where levels of computer ownership are also highest so the computer is not the reason. The argument has several logical flaws.（ 我觉得开头有点长哈，开头其实越简短越好的。开头应该把重点放在指出文章的错误上，而不是复述argument。比较提倡简单的开头。）

To begin with, the comparison between the fitness levels of twenty years ago and today is not enough to support the author's claim.（TS句应该明确指出段落所要攻击的点，看了你这个TS，不太明白主要攻击什么。） Firstly, the author fails to show the fitness level of the whole nation twenty years ago. If, for example, 90 percent of the citizens of the whole nation met the standards for adequate physical fitness, it just means, in turn（这个用得不太好）, the fitness levels of Corpora are very low twenty years ago. Secondly, the author does not clearly mention the fitness level of Corpora of today. What does "adequately fit" mean? Is it meaning（Does it mean比较好哈） that meeting the standards for adequate physical fitness by the national advisory board on physical fitness? （这句有语病吧，that 从句没主语）Or other standards? Without clear information, the comparison is not scientific.（这里应该有总结句的。总结本段所说的内容）

Next, even if the fitness levels are really decreased（应该用主动语态）, the author fails to prove that the computer is not the reason. There is no evidence that the regions of Corpora where levels of computer ownership are highest have the highest using rates of computers.（这一点想得比较有创意） Perhaps that region has the highest pay, highest quality of living, highest levels of a computer ownership level, and also the highest fitness level. Perhaps it is the highest pay that leads to the high fitness levels and the computer do harmful to（does harm to） the health. And, there are no scientific statistics to show that the computer could not make citizens less physically fit.

What's more, even if the computer is not the reason, there may be some other reasons that lead to the lower fitness levels rather than the economy. Perhaps the citizens are busy for working and therefore, lack of exercise, which may result in low fitness levels. Perhaps the citizens do not like the expenditures on fitness-related products and services because of the tastes, services and some other reason, instead of lack of money to expedite.(举他因的时候应该说清楚为什么会这样，而不是只说有其他原因)

To sum up, the argument is unconvincing as it stands. To strengthen it, the author should provide clear evidence that the fitness level of the citizens of Corpora is really decreased, and it is caused by the economy, rather than computers, or some other reasons. （结尾有点模板化）

总的来说，这位JJ在逻辑论证上有些问题，没有把为什么这样说清楚。而这是argument 最需要的。
我一直在潜水，经常见到这位勤奋的JJ，还看了你的备考日志，觉得很感人。所以决定试一试改作文。 我语言有点尖刻哈，但我觉得I cannot be too critical。 希望你取的好成绩。