issue48 第九篇 有拍必回

fishjoyUID: 2116013

48"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."（高频）
Outline：
1.        人们确实关注famous few（克林顿，比尔盖茨）
2.        famous few 确实为人类做出了贡献（哥白尼，伽利略）
3.        但是历史还是主要由人民群众创造的（拿破仑在Apls说的大话）
说明：历时1小时45分（比上一篇少用10分钟）。456words.
正文：
The famous few in the history book like stars in the sky, and people love the shining rays that stars give off. Indeed the study of history places a lot of emphasis on individuals. Yet the history is created by the famous few as well as ordinary people.
Admittedly, the famous few is always attracting ordinary people’s attention no matter whether it is in the study of history or in our contemporary lives. When you turn on the TV, Jorge W Bush’s smiling face appears on the screen; when you open today’s newspaper, Bill Gates might be today’s headline. And no one would think the story of an ordinary old lady who raises seven cats would be more attracting than the report that Jennifer Aniston has broke up with Brit Pitter. When it comes to science, the history of science is concatenated by these sparkling names, such as Copernicus, Galileo, Faraday, Albert Einstein, etc.. As the cases illustrates, we show great interests in the famous few and it is part of our nature. So, possibly, it is us, the common people who has shape the history such that it concentrates on the famous few.
Indeed the famous few deserve our attention since they do have contributed a lot to the development of our society. Nobody would deny that Copernicus opens up a whole new era of astronomy and that Galileo rewrites the history of science and that Albert Einstein threw a bomb to theoretical physics and changed people’s view of universe significantly. Everybody would admit that America owes a lot to Jorge Washington----the first present of America--- and Lincoln who manumitted the black slavery ultimately. Beyond all doubt, it is the famous few who mark the significant progress in our history and push the society forward.
However, notwithstanding the large benefit the famous few bring to the society in manifold fields, the force of common people can not be ignored absolutely. Take Napoleon for instance. Napoleon, an empire of France, who set a fire to the European continent and always holds a seat in historians’ notebook, once on the peak of Alps said that he could conquer the world. Surely he had the ability to achieve the aim with millions of thousands of solders backing him up. When he was exiled to a lonely island with no single one standing behind him, can he still conquer the world? In other words, actually, it is the common solders who write the chapter of the history of Europe.
To sum up, the famous few and the common majority write the history book together; the famous few entitled every chapter and the common people fulfilled the content. Caught by the fascinating titles firstly, and then the content follows.

fishjoyUID: 2116013

那位大虾指点一下，绝对有拍必回，回拍必狠。

fishjoyUID: 2116013

只好自己顶:victory:

fishjoyUID: 2116013

sigh,怎么没人理:confused:
顶

xjjaneUID: 2120553

全文结构很紧凑,论据很充分,非常值得肯定.但是我觉得你在每一段的结尾部分最好能做一结论式的综述,最好有名人名言,或警句之类的,这样更有说服力.
另外,第二段中论据非常有力,但是衔接欠妥,最好有过渡词,比如accordingly, consequently, take ....into consideration,  etc.这样显得更自然一些,而不会有大量论据的堆砌之嫌. 如第二段中bill gates 的例子中,报纸一词最好能放在头条新闻的后面,显得重点突出;"so ,possibily,it is us, ..."一句中,名子结构严重错误,不知是你自编的,还是模仿的?(恕我直言),最好能改为"however,on the contrary, it is entirely possible that, it is  the ordinary people, who have played so important role in shaping the history that  sometimes we have to take the influence of  the famous few  for granted."   
还有一些选词上最好能再雕琢一下.
不知当否,如有不妥,见谅.

fishjoyUID: 2116013

多谢楼上的指点。
但我怎么搜不到你的文章？
留个链接好互改:)

maggielongUID: 175032

占个座，粘下来了，留着仔细看：）

maggielongUID: 175032

The famous few in the history book like stars in the sky, and people love the shining rays that stars give off. （好）Indeed the study of history places a lot of emphasis on individuals. Yet the history is created by the famous few as well as ordinary people.

Admittedly, the famous few is always attracting ordinary people’s attention no matter whether it is in the study of history or in our contemporary lives. When you turn on the TV, Jorge W Bush’s smiling face appears on the screen; when you open today’s newspaper, Bill Gates might be today’s headline. And no one would think the story of an ordinary old lady who raises seven cats would be more attracting than the report that Jennifer Aniston has broke up with Brit Pitter. When it comes to science, the history of science is concatenated by these sparkling names, such as Copernicus, Galileo, Faraday, Albert Einstein, etc.. As the cases illustrates(用are illustrated吧？), we show great interests in the famous few and it is part of our nature. So, possibly, it is us, the common people who has shape the history such that it concentrates on the famous few.

Indeed the famous few deserve our attention since they do have contributed a lot to the development of our society. Nobody would deny that Copernicus opens up a whole new era of astronomy and that Galileo rewrites the history of science and that Albert Einstein threw a bomb to theoretical physics and changed people’s view of universe significantly. Everybody would admit that America owes a lot to Jorge Washington----the first present of America--- and Lincoln who manumitted the black slavery ultimately.（这里的标点反而有些让人搞不明白，别用破折号了） Beyond all doubt, it is the famous few who mark the significant progress in our history and push the society forward.

However, notwithstanding the large benefit the famous few bring to the society in manifold fields, the force of common people can not be ignored absolutely. Take Napoleon for instance. Napoleon, an empire of France, who set a fire to the European continent and always holds a seat in historians’ notebook, once on the peak of Alps said that he could conquer the world. Surely he had the ability to achieve the aim with millions of thousands of solders backing him up. When he was exiled to a lonely island with no single one standing behind him, can he still conquer the world? In other words, actually, it is the common solders who write the chapter of the history of Europe. （结论有些突兀吧~~还是写“没有普通士兵不行”的好，而不要写“就是那些士兵书写的历史”）

To sum up, the famous few and the common majority write the history book together; the famous few entitled every chapter and the common people fulfilled the content. Caught by the fascinating titles firstly, and then the content follows. （这两句我喜欢）

写的不错呀，语言丰富，思路清晰。
找不出什么来，倒是学习了很多，呵呵。
我们一起加油加油！

maggielongUID: 175032

怎么让有些字变成红的呢？

疾风劲云UID: 184987

例子够多，牛的
对group的回应貌似不够
开头结尾漂亮的说，怎么这么久时间

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=307535&extra=page%3D1

[ Last edited by 疾风劲云 on 2005-7-28 at 12:10 ]

polymathUID: 179557

1.        人们确实关注famous few（克林顿，比尔盖茨）
2.        famous few 确实为人类做出了贡献（哥白尼，伽利略）
3.        但是历史还是主要由人民群众创造的（拿破仑在Apls说的大话）
说明：历时1小时45分（比上一篇少用10分钟）。456words.

正文：
The famous few in the history book like stars in the sky, and people love the shining rays that stars give off这个类比不当，比喻成天上的星星只能说明其数量上很few,不能代表所有人都喜欢看星星的光芒。建议修改一下！. Indeed the study of history places a lot of emphasis on individuals.这句本没有什么错，但也没说明你的什么论点呀！a lot of 不等于too much Yet the history is created by the famous few as well as ordinary people。
开头用类比的想法很好，但比喻不当，造成空洞，而且你的主要观点表述不清，看不出你是反对还是赞成呢！建议用 I agree/disgree

Admittedly, the famous few is always attracting ordinary people’s attention no matter whether it is in the study of history or in our contemporary lives. 感觉开头有跑题之嫌，本文讨论的是历史研究当中对名人和普通人的重视程度，没有涉及日常生活。When you turn on the TV, Jorge W Bush’s smiling face appears on the screen; when you open today’s newspaper, Bill Gates might be today’s headline. And no one would think the story of an ordinary old lady who raises seven cats would be more attracting than the report that Jennifer Aniston has broke up with Brit Pitter. 同上！When it comes to science, the history of science [color=Red scientific historyis concatenated 呵呵！这个词可是新词，学习学习！by these sparkling names, such as Copernicus, Galileo, Faraday, Albert Einstein, etc.. As the cases illustrates, we show great interests in the famous few and it is part of our nature. So, possibly, it is us, the common people who has shaped the history such 去掉that it concentrates on the famous few.感觉这个句子没有表达好，怎么改一下好呢？

Indeed the famous few deserve our attention since they do have contributed a lot to the development of our society. Nobody would deny that Copernicus opensopened up a whole new era of astronomy and that Galileo rewrites rewrotethe history of science and that Albert Einstein threw a bomb to theoretical physics and changed people’s view of universe significantly. Everybody would admit that America owes a lot to Jorge Washington----the first present presidentof America--- and Lincoln who manumitted the black slavery slaveultimately. Beyonds all doubt+s或者直接改为Undoubttedly, it is the famous few who markbring about the significant progress in our history and push the society forward.

However, notwithstanding the large benefit the famous few bring to the society in manifold fields, the force of common people can not be ignored absolutely. Take Napoleon for instance. Napoleon, an empire of France, who set a fire to 形容不当，set fire to 是放火的意思！the European continent and always holds a seat in historians’ notebook, once on the peak of Alps said that he could conquer the world要注明是引用！. Surely he had the ability to achieve the aim with millions of thousands of solders 拼写错误backing him up. When he was exiled to a lonely island with no single one standing behind him, can he still conquer the world? 太口语化！In other words, actually, it is the common solders who write the chapter of the history of Europe.

To sum up, the famous few and the common majority write the history book together; the famous few entitled every chapter and the common people fulfilled the content. Caught by the fascinating titles firstly, and then the content follows.结尾有新意，但最好还是照应一下主题！

总评：可能是初写和限时的缘故，文章的结构不甚清晰，全文的观点和每一段的论点没有很好的呈现出来，内容重复且模糊不清，有些例子论证不当。最基本的错误是应该检查一下拼写错误和病句。非常影响考官的心情！不知道楼主什么时候考？最好多看些范文，自己多总结一些例子，就这些！
:):)希望继续努力！呵呵！大家共同进步！欢迎指教！


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[ Last edited by polymath on 2005-7-28 at 13:00 ]

fishjoyUID: 2116013

The famous few in the history book like stars in the sky, and people love the shining rays that stars give off这个类比不当，比喻成天上的星星只能说明其数量上很few,不能代表所有人都喜欢看星星的光芒。建议修改一下！.
根据科学，星星也是很多的。比喻是为了给文章增添文采罢了。后面两句就是我的观点呀。
论证第一段是阐明人们确实关注famous few,用日常生活类比来加深印象，表明关注famous few是人的nature.这一段的尾句我改成了In short, it is us, the common people who has shaped the history such that it concentrates on the famous few. （查字典，such that用以预指后文）
我每一段的观点都在第一句话。对于你
文章的结构不甚清晰，全文的观点和每一段的论点没有很好的呈现出来，内容重复且模糊不清，有些例子论证不当的评论很是困惑，能讲得详细点吗？