修改作文

rosahuUID: 2668498

虽然写得不好，但我会不断地努力~~:)



Do you agree or disagree? Face-to-face communication is better than other types of communication, such as letters, emails, or telephone calls.

     Recent decades have seen the rapid development of information technology, and thereby more and more advanced technological tools wound their way into our daily life and bring a lot of
benefits for people to communicate with each other in a more convenient way. Nowadays, people prefer to send short massages, make telephone calls, chat with friends on MSN, instead of making a face-to-face communication. As far as I’m concerned, face-to-face conversation is the most important and best form of communications, because it is interactive, reducing the misunderstanding, and strengthening the relationship among the talkers.

     Face-to-face communication can enable the talkers to be positive to take apart into the conversation. Within a face-to-face conversation, one talker will get the response immediately from the other, just like playing tennis that the ball is hit by the two players, both of which take active in and think about how to get the ball and do well. Compare to the letters or emails, however, the sender of an email or letter may not get the correspondence at once, which is not so efficient and interactive. Furthermore, the face-to-face conversation allows you to hear the talker’s tone of voice, his changed emotions or intricate facial expressions, and his body gesture, which will give the talkers a total intimacy of touch. Therefore, the deep meaning of the word will be easily caught up and understood.

     The relationship among the talkers will also be deepen or consolidated by the way of face-to-face talking. A warm hand-shaking help to establish a good business partnership, a sincere smile break up the cold war between the friends, a simple word of sorry to someone’s face is better than a1000- word letter of apologies. What’ more, the wishing words are so cold without seeing the real person.
That’s the magic power of face-to-face communication. Touching is the basic form of human relationships. Nothing beats the real touching to know more about the people, even the world.

     Someone may argue that emails, MSN, mobile phones, really play an important role in our society. It is hard for people always get together and have a face-to-face talk. And ICQ equally provide the visible formats at the same time when you are chatting. These technique tools actually make our life more convenient. But I still argue that the face-to-face communication is better because we can see the other person. Because we are more willing to open our hearts to the person who face to us, other than the computer screen or some else.

zhengruilinUID: 2727753

第一句话我觉得说得比较啰嗦，呵呵。
should be better like this:

With the rapid development of information technology, more and more advanced communication tools have appeared in our everyday lives, benefiting people in a more convenient way to communicate with each other.

zhengruilinUID: 2727753

Instead of making face-to-face conversations, nowadays, a lot of people prefer to use cellphone and internet to connect with somebody else, like sending a short message, making phonecall and chating on MSN.

zhengruilinUID: 2727753

Unlike these people, my favorite way of communication is to talk with people face-to-face. The reason is quite simple: it is real and interactive. Meeting people face-to-face, we can avoid making misunderstanding and strengthen the relationship between everyone.

btw, talker 好像是夸夸其谈者，而不是所谓的“谈话人”

mpromanusUID: 2565872

Recentdecades have seen the rapid development of the information technology, andthereby more and more advanced technological tools wound? (Are you using a past tense of 'wind', the verb, to express the idea of movement? There are 2 points for consideration here: 1. you're describing facts, therefore there's no need to use past tense; 2. 'wind' as a verb means to 'move around to circle something', so it's not appropriate here. I'd suggest a simple 'make', as in 'make their way into..'.) their way intoour daily life and bring a lot of # J( D9 h, p4 ]- T/ M3 Abenefits (A 'benefit' is something that promotes 'well-being', or an 'aid', especially a financial one, which isn't really what our modern communication technology is about. A more accurate usage would be something like 'technology enables people to communicate more conveniently'.) for people to communicate with each other in a more conveniently (This is a typical example of what I commented about your 'wordiness' in the last essay: you used a noun phrase - 'a more convenient way', of which the principal word is 'way', a noun - to describe 'communicate', while you could actually just use a simple adv.),way. Nowadays, people prefer to send short massages, make telephonecalls, chat with friends on MSN, instead of making a face-to-facecommunication. As far as I’m concerned, face-to-face conversation isthe most important and best form of communications, because it isinteractive, reduces the misunderstanding, and strengthens therelationship among the talkers (This word doesn't mean 'someone who engages in face-to-face communication'. It means 'someone who talks a lot/boasts'. Also, 'face-to-face communication doesn't just mean 'talking'. 'Talking' isn't necessarily 'face-to-face' either.). (Again, the question is asking whether you agree or disagree. Of course, I can deduce that you probably agree with the statement, but a straight-forward statement with the word 'agree' in it would be much easier to follow.)

Face-to-facecommunication can enable the talkers to be positive to take apart intothe conversation. (Are you saying people can 'negatively take part' in conversation? Sounds pretty weird to me, unless you mean people are 'negative in/about' a conversation. And again, face-to-face communication is not just about 'conversation'.) Within a face-to-face conversation, one talker willget the response immediately from the other, just like in playing tennisthat how the ball is hit by the two players, both of which taking active inand thinking about (You seem to have no habit of using verb + adv. phrases. This part here can be reduced to a really simple 'thinking actively about...'.) how to get the ball and doing well. (This huge sentence is produced by randomly piling individual phrases together without using proper connectives. It's like building a brick house without mortar. To be specific, anything after 'just like' must be ONE sentence, or else you have a run-on.) Compared to the lettersor emails, however, the sender of an email or letter may not get thecorrespondence at once, which is not so as efficient and interactive.Furthermore, the face-to-face conversation allows you to hear thetalker’s tone of voice, his changing emotions or intricate facialexpressions, and his body gestures, (Be very careful about parallel phrases. In this one, you're basically writing 'hear.. tone of voice, ..emotions, ..expressions, ..gestures.', which translates to 'hear tone of voice, emotions, expressions, and gestures.' Does that look alright?)which will give the talkers a total touch ofintimacy of touch. Therefore, the deep meaning of the words will beeasily caught up and understood. (Yes, alright, but how does this make it the BETTER form of communication? If you're just talking about 'deep meaning of words', I'm sure many novels and poems out there are as deep as they come, but are they 'face-to-face communication'? The problem is: this final sentence here is not a conclusion about why face-to-face communication is 'better'. It's a conclusion about why face-to-face communication is 'good'. You're bascially not answering the question asked and creating an open-ended discussion here. That's not what you should do. You need close the argument BACK TO THE QUESTION. It could be as simple as 'Since other forms of communication don't have this capacity of conveying the deep meaning of words, face-to-face communiction is the better form.)

The relationship among the talkers will also be deepen orconsolidated? (You might think this is the same as the word 'unite' as in the sense of 'connect together', but 'consolidate' means to 'unite from little pieces into a whole' in a financial or scienfic context, and you definitely don't 'consolidate' a 'relationship'.) by the way of face-to-face talking. A warm hand-shakehelps to establish a good business partnership, a sincere smile breaks upthe cold war between the friends, a simple word of sorry to someone’sface is better than a1000-word letter of apologies. What’ more, thewishing words are so cold without seeing the real person. (Now you start to declare how people would 'feel' about the 'sincerity' of a communication. That's generally dangerous because it's too personal to be narrated in such a formal style. If you wanna go personal, go personal all the way like 'I once held grudges against my boyfriend because he sent me an electronic card for birthday instead of coming down to my place to say 'happy birthday'. If he had come to me face-to-face, it'd have been so much sweeter and so much better for our relationship.' Trying to be 'serious' and 'scientific' while you're actually talking about personal feelings almost always turns out as very vague and weak arguments.)That’s the magic power of face-to-face communication. Touching is thebasic form of human relationships. Nothing beats the real touching toknow more about the people, even the world. (What does this have to do with face-to-face communication being the 'better' form of communication?) Again, you open up a new argument about 'touch', and never closes it off properly. Such a dangling argument is like uncooked food in a meal - it might not kill your reader's interest but it'll sure make your reader uncomfortable.)

Someone may argue that emails, MSN (This is only one client software that does instance messaging. It's not exactly a 'type of communication'), mobile phones, really play animportant role in our society. It is hard for people to always gettogether and have a face-to-face talks. And ICQ equally provide thevisible formats at the same time when you are chatting. These techniquetools (There's no such phrase. It's either 'techniques' or 'tools'.) actually make our life more convenient. But I still argue thatthe face-to-face communication is better because we can see the otherperson. Because we are more willing to open our hearts to the personwho face to us, other than not the computer screen or something? else. (This is in fact your best paragraph so far. That's because you actually wrote 'face-to-face communication is better'. This is what I mean when I say you need to close your argument BACK TO THE QUESTION.)

(Normally you'll need a paragraph for conclusion here to summarise your major arguments. I see that you probably did it in the last paragraph, but your summary of points is incompete, so that doesn't count.)

总结：

语法 - 主谓语，介词，定冠词the不要什么地方都用，做菜盐不能不放但是放太多会咸死人的。。另外你需要好好地练习句法，长句子不是把短语、短句堆起来就了事了，一个砖房子不用灰浆是要塌的。。请仔细研读语法书中关于复句的部分。。

词汇 - 注意近义词之间的不同。不是所有意思相近的单词都可以随便换着用的。你要知道它应该怎么用才用，否则十有八九要用错。。另外你写文真的是有点啰嗦，最起码的比如the way of (noun.) 完全可以就用一个名词，take (adv.) (n.) 如果那个名词词根是动词的就可以用v. + adv. （比如take quick action完全可以说act quickly）。。还有很多精简文字的技巧你可以自己搜索。。

逻辑 - 这一篇比上一篇好很多，但是依然有半截话的问题，一个话题写着写着不知是因为写不下去了还是不想写了呢反正就不写了，也不管它到底逻辑完整不完整。。这种议论文的格式是很八股的，要严格地紧贴题目，每段的结尾都要回去点题，还有最后一般要有一段话总结你的主要论点并再次确认你的主论点，比如一句很简单的To sum up, because of A, B and C, I agree that xxxxxx..。。否则你的逻辑就很容易变成开放式的，也就是没有结论的了，没有结论对于一个命题作文来说就相当于白写了。。

rosahuUID: 2668498

每次得到你的点评都受益颇多~~O(∩_∩)O谢谢~