独立写作求改

shiwei83UID: 2680950

agree or disagree: it is important for families to regularly eat their meals together.

According to a recent survey, in China, only twenty-three percent of families regularly have dinners together. People seem to fail to take into account the face that it is important for families to regularly eat their meals together. As for me, I am firmly convinced that eating meals together is playing extremely important role on maintain the family ties.

In the first place, it is commonly accepted that eating meals together will strengthen the family ties. By sitting at the table altogether enjoy the delicious meal, the family members can talk to each other, and they can share their everyday experience at the same time. It is helpful to maintains and improves the relationship within the family. For example, my parents and I have supper together no matter how busy we are. I often tell them the difficulties what I have encountered during one day’s work, and they always give me some useful advise, it is very useful to me.

In the second place, as for a family, eating meals together will remove misunderstanding due to the long-time negligence about family relation. Along with the development of modern society, people in growing number are beginning to complain that work is more stressful and less leisurely than in past. Consequently, the family members may have little time to keep them together and less chance to share their ideas. It may inevitably bring negative impact on family relation. In order to avoid it, make some time everyday eating together may be a good way.


From what have been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that it is important for families to regularly eat their meals together.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

这次的字体还真是大啊~谢谢~ :P

According to a recent survey, in China (To make it more realistic, you need to add details, e.g. 'a recent nationwide family lifestyle survey in China..'. Obscure data sources almost always look more fake than detailed ones. :P I'm not saying faking data is not good, but at least we should aim at faking it well.)

(BTW: I know these hypothetical 'survey's are common and accepted in TOEFL essays, but one word of caution: TOEFL essays are not exactly what you'll need to write in the future if you're going to engage in tertiary education. Those will require REAL data. That's why I always encourage people to at least think about how to make their claims LOOK as real as possible.),

only twenty-three percent of families regularly have dinners together. People seem to fail to take into account the fact? that it is important for families to regularly eat their meals together. As for me, I am firmly convinced that eating meals together is playing an extremely important role on maintaining the family ties. (If you open your essay with 'eating meals together is important for maintaining family ties', that'll be the only importance you're expected to discuss. The question is asking whether eating meals together 'is important', and 'maintain family ties' is only one aspect of this importance. Do define your boundaries of discussion, but do not restrict the discussion to one single point like this.)

(There's also a very subtle twist you did to the question: I notice that you removed the word 'regularly' entirely, probably without even realising it. That would, sadly, mean you're never going to hit the question at the correct spot.)

In the first place, it is commonly accepted that eating meals together will strengthen the family ties (Exactly what I was worried about. The 'family tie' part you raised in the opening paragraph is in fact only one point of discussion. I predict that in the next paragraph, you'll write about 'family ties' from a 'negative impact' point of view..) . By sitting at the table altogether to enjoy the a delicious meal, the family members can talk to each other, and they can share their everyday experience at the same time. It is helpful to maintains and improves the relationships within the family. For example, my parents and I have supper together no matter how busy we are. I often tell them the difficulties what I have encountered during one a day’s work, and they always give me some useful advice. It is very useful to me. (The original sentence was a run-on, and I don't see how your example demonstrates 'maintain and improve the relationships within the family'. You're describing how your parents are good for you, not how the relationship between you and your parents was affected - all in all, you drifted through ideas into an entirely different direction.)

(To demonstrate the drift, let me label your ideas:

- eating meals together (A) is good for family ties (B)
- eating meals together (A), a family can talk and share (C), and is good for relationship (B)
- my parents and I talk over supper (C) and they give me useful advice (D)

and you end the paragraph at D, which is totally unrelated with A or B. You actually made a concious effort in the middle by attaching B back after C, but remember that you need to do it at the end of the paragraph, or after the example, instead of in the middle.)

In the second place, as for a family, eating meals together will remove misunderstanding due to the long-time negligence about family relation. Along with the development of modern society, people in growing numbers are beginning to complain that work is more stressful and less leisurely than in past. Consequently, the family members may have little time to keep them stay together and less chance to share their ideas. (Stressful work doesn't necessarily mean busy work or long hours or little leisure time. A family doesn't necessarily consist of working members either. Therefore your point about how stressful work affects the time of families getting together is not very valid.) It may inevitably bring negative impact on family relation. In order to avoid it, make some time everyday eating together may be a good way. (There, I got you right on. You're writing about the same thing  - 'family ties/relationship' - from different aspects. That's not considered two different points for the question. I'll explain why in the summary later.)

From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that it is important for families to regularly (Hmm. Do you ever realise that you've actually been writing without any regard to the 'regularly' part of the question at all? Go back and read the first sentences of your two paragraphs - does 'regularly' ever appear?) eat their meals together.

总结：

语法 - 比前两篇进步很多哦~有些小的地方还是要注意下

词汇 - 没什么问题，不过我不厚道地觉得那是因为你讨论的东西来来去去就那些。。=.=

逻辑 - 第一，在第二段里指出的是要贴题，这个我觉得你其实有意识地在做，不过就是要记住要在每段的结尾做，也就是分论点-例子-点题这样的顺序，像第三段那样就做得比较好；第二，这篇最主要的问题是论点不够，来来去去其实只有一个论点，因为你一开篇就用这个论点把自己钉死了。。问题是：经常阖家共餐是不是很重要 - 你文章的树形图是这样的：

阖家共餐很重要
|
|——阖家共餐对维持家庭纽带/关系很重要
           |
           |——阖家共餐时家庭成员可以互相谈话，促进交流，对关系有好处
           |
           |——现代人工作繁忙没时间顾家对关系不好，阖家共餐可以改善


regularly这个词被你完全忽略了还不是最大的问题。。你把关键字从eating together is IMPORTANT换成了GOOD for family ties/relationship才是最大的问题。。

其实我觉得文字进步很显著，如果把中间两段压成一段，再照同样的格式写一个别的观点 - 比如经常阖家共餐，每个人都能直接参与，重大消息或讨论事项可以尽快地流通和解决，在家庭事务的处理上也起很重要的作用，就像 教父 里那种 - 就好多了。我觉得现在你要注意的就是思路要拓展。。

shiwei83UID: 2680950

已经仔细阅读你的意见，非常感谢，我现在也觉得自己的思路不活跃，有待于努力开拓！