With the development of economy, government began to pay more attention to health and environment. No one can deny the fact, that health and environment are both essential problem in modern life which produce more effects on people even the society as a whole(这一句没有看懂). But government should pay far more attention to personal health or environment issues?(如果这一句是疑问句的话,是不是should 要放句首呢,还有个人觉得这里不需要用but转折意味这么明显的单词) Well(这句比较口语化,建议尽量还是不要出现), people under the phenomenon consider government should to(删掉) solve the problem. Some people deem the position that government should pay more attention to health while others believe opposite opinions. However, with all aspects carefully considered, as far as I concerned that government should pay more attention to environment issues than health care issues.第一段觉得比较啰嗦和累赘,建议简化一下吧)
To begin with, environment is the foundation for the whole society even people as a whole(还是不理解这句话的意思,而且我似乎感觉不应该用people,用human beings可能会比较好. Our planet have been occurred much miserable disasters such as global warming, frequent earthquake, ground sea, destructive ozonosphere……etc. The increasing destructions are successive happening on the planet that will lead to a series calamity around people’s surroundings. People lived in the big planet, if people do not care the environment issues or pay less attention to it, that people’s health will also have not a better grow. “The economic base(应该是名词吧) determines the superstructure” said the same theory. No environment, identical no personal health.& ]4 ?* J$ O& `9 ]& r
What is more, government pay more attention to the environment will benefit the society. People most(people 和most要换一下位置) prefer lived(living) in beauty environment. The fine environment will appeal the increasing number people come to there and decide to live(appeal to要连在一起哦 于是就是appeal to increasing number people come there). Such as the circumstance, the option that improve(improves) environment will advance employment indirectly that bring benefits to the society and promote the economy. People to(删掉) see that government pay attention to environment have such advantages. It is that if governments pay more attention to health, can not bring to people and society(还是不懂). 1 S) M' l% @7 c% x
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Admittedly, government pay attention to health also has advantages(has advantage 换一下吧,有点chinglish) which can build up people’s immunity to defend themselves. Although they also have this benefit to people, I maintain my opinion that government should pay more attention to environment(让步段可以再丰富一下,although这样的重申观点可要可不要,直接说政府也不能忽略 healthcare就好).
To sum up ,from what has been discussed above, we may safely(reasonable) draw the conclusion that the government should pay more attention to environment than health 作为新手的话, 能写成这样已经不错啦, 想当年我的第一篇作文时黑的出去,红的收回来的o(╯□╰)o 思路和结构都挺好的,不过觉得小细节,语法和用法都需要再注意下的 还有觉得内容可以再充实一下,eg.尾段和首段相比,不太成比例 建议童鞋可以多读读文章,没有例文ETS的阅读文章就可以, 加油哦~~ . $ o* J3 n1 y' `9 X3 W, S) n5 e9 e
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