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[活动] 碧玺的独立作文帖子。 [复制链接]

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发表于 2010-3-19 22:20:53 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览
本帖最后由 水谣碧玺 于 2010-3-20 23:02 编辑

3月19日。人生中第一篇独立写作。 请狠狠拍砖,如果看的你看不下去了,你也可以骂我:)我会感激你的。谢谢改作文的同学,鞠躬!

do you agree or disagree with the following statement: Students are more influenced by teachers than by their friends



Teachers and friends are both important in our lives which give us many suggestions. For many students, teachers like a sailor who conducts them to directly reach their dream. For the other students, friends would produce essential influence on lives itself. As far as I hold the opinion, that friends are more influenced for students than teachers are.

According the recent survey shows that students stay with their friends’ time more far longer than teachers’, we can see that students spend lots of time with their friends instead of their teachers. Absolutely, friends are more know us than others. When we are playing, studying, sporting, and eating with each other, our thinking or behaviors have already changed in formal life. Formerly, I am shy while I talk to others. But when I meet Jenny, I get more humorous when I spend time on my friend, Jennywho is quite outstanding and humorous girl. Jenny always speaks much more funny stories for me; I am relaxed when I heard after classes. For long time, I really changed. Now, I am never shy on the talking surroundings. However, teachers always have less time with students; they also cannot help us like friends.

In addition, communication among friends which is not fails to take account, quaintly wide influential for students. Many people are known that communication is the way to obtain more suggestions and impressive ideas. As the old saying goes that two heads are better than one. When I ponder math questions for long time, I would talk about the questions with my friends. With friends I can learn a lot of things which I cannot learn at classes.


Admittedly, teachers also can influence students; they can provide knowledge students need such as expert introduction and practiced skill. Nonetheless, from what has been discussed above, we could safely draw the conclusion that friends are more influential for students.

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发表于 2010-3-19 22:23:54 |只看该作者

RE: 碧玺的独立作文帖子。

本帖最后由 水谣碧玺 于 2010-3-19 22:26 编辑

....
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板凳
发表于 2010-3-20 21:50:05 |只看该作者
Teachers and friends are both important in our lives which give us many suggestions. For many students, teachers like a sailor who conducts them to directly reach their dream. For the other students, friends would produce essential influence on lives itself. As far as I hold the opinion, that friends are more influenced for(?????by) students than teachers are./ e2 R, ]* _- _/ A. t

According the recent survey shows that students stay with their friends’ time more far longer than teachers’, we can see that students spend lots of time with their friends instead of their teachers. Absolutely, friends are more know us than others(举例子的时候最好不要说我们自己,我也是从别人批我作文时学的). When we are playing, studying, sporting, and eating with each other, our thinking or behaviors have already changed in formal life(这最好加个时间状语,不知不觉 unconsciously). Formerly, I am shy while I talk to others. But when I meet Jenny, I get more humorous when I spend time on my friend, Jennywho is quite outstanding and humorous girl. Jenny always speaks much more funny stories for me; I am relaxed when I heard after classes. For long time, I really changed. Now, I am never shy on the talking surroundings. However, teachers always have less time with students; they also cannot help us(to copy with problems) like friends. " x) R7 ]7 w/ w* G0 n, e  B( G

In addition, communication among friends which is not fails to take account(病句,没明白你要说什么,communication 后面接了个从句,再后来你就没有谓语了), quaintly wide influential for students. Many people are known(are aware of,人们也不能被知道啊?) that communication is the way to obtain more suggestions and impressive ideas. As the old saying goes that two heads are better than one. When I ponder math questions for long time, I would talk about the questions with my friends. With friends I can learn a lot of things which I cannot learn at classes(这个例子就不太和谐了,数学题她会的你在课上你还不能学,那她怎么会的?).

Admittedly, teachers also can influence students; they can provide knowledge students need such as expert introduction and practiced skill. Nonetheless, from what has been discussed above, we could safely draw the conclusion that friends are more influential for students(总体上还是写的不错,比我第一篇的时候好多了,加油吧。楼主。。你太厉害了,几乎没有单词错误。为什么我那么多?哎。。。。). " h! V6

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地板
发表于 2010-3-20 22:04:21 |只看该作者
3# s499992008

呵呵,我没限时写的。你下次先把作文拖进word, 改一下基本拼写错误吧。还有,逗号后面要空格的,你会忘了空。加油!!!
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发表于 2010-3-20 22:58:55 |只看该作者
3月20日。第二篇独立作文。

University students should be required to take basic science classes even if they are not part of the field of the study

With the development of the technology, science is increasing in importance. Nowadays, in universities, there is a heated debate with soaring volume about whether students should be required to take basic science classes even if they are not part of the field of the study. Some hold the view that students should not be required to take basic science classes while the others believe that opposite position. However, with all aspects carefully considered, as far as I concerned that students should be required to take basic science classes in universities.

One of the greatest writer said that science and technology constitute a primary productive force. In modern life, people have not survived without science technology. In many life fields, without the sciences we can not move a step. When we go to school, we should take bicycles or take subways. But what can transfer the tool we need? It is not wrong; sciences can produce all what we need. Because the universities are the best place to offer knowledge and technology to students, we should not to reject to take basic science classes.

Besides we have talked above, another is that basic science classes can progress our thought. A good case in point is that students who take the basic science have more brilliant ideas than not take basic science classes. In my class, in general, science students have flexible thinking, because they prefer to ponder difficult math questions than the other students largely. So the science classes can lift universities students to a new height thought. It is important to understand why students should to take science classes. Only in this way, students are willing to take science classes by themselves.

Admittedly, we have to admit that not to take sciences with some merits. The students who not to take science classes can save more time to take useful classes, for example, or relax themselves to exercise some sports like running, swimming, and playing football. However, although not to take science classes also advantages, I maintain the view that students should be taken science classes in their universities.

To sum up what have been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that to take science classes have advantages overweigh not to take science classes. I hence my standpoint to choose that universities students should be required to take science classes even if they are not part of the field of study.
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IBT Zeal Cancer巨蟹座

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发表于 2010-3-21 00:46:18 |只看该作者
With the development of the technology, science is increasing in importance-->has become increasingly important. Nowadays, in universities, there is a heated debate with soaring volume about whether students should be required to take basic science classes even if they are not part of the field of the study. Some hold the view that students should not be required to take basic science classes while the others believe that opposite position. However, with all aspects carefully considered, as far as I concerned that students should be required to take basic science classes in universities. 首段写的很好不过模板痕迹很强,尤其是看完整篇文章。相对说首段的语法句子结构不错,跟其他段落稍有不符。

One of the greatest--famous比较合适 writer said that science and technology constitute a primary productive force. In modern life, people have not survived-->cannot survive用生存夸张了 without science-->scientific technology. In many life fields啥意思??, without the sciences we can not move a step. When we go to school, we should take bicycles or take subways. But what can transfer the tool没明白。。? we need? It is not wrong;??? sciences can produce all what we need. Because这个前面要连接句子的 the universities are the best这个有点绝对了,最好不这样写 place to offer knowledge and technology to students, we should not to 语法问题 should后跟动词原型reject to take basic science classes.

Besides we have talked above, another另一个啥,没主语 is that basic science classes can progress our thought. A good case in point is that students who take the basic science have more brilliant ideas than not take basic science classes-->than those who do not take. In my class, in general, science students--.students who study science courses have flexible thinking, because they prefer to ponder difficult math questions than the other students largely. So the science classes can lift universities students to a new height thought. It is important to understand why students should to take science classes. Only in this way, students are willing to take science classes by themselves. 理由不充分

Admittedly, we have to admit that not to take sciences with-->has some merits. The students who not to-->do not take science classes can save more time to take useful classes, for example, or relax themselves to (do) exercise some sports like running, swimming, and playing football. However, although not to take science classes also (has) advantages, I maintain the view that students should be taken science classes in their universities.

To sum up what have been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that to take science classes have advantages overweigh not to take science classes. I hence my standpoint to choose that universities students should be required to take science classes even if they are not part of the field of study. 首段和结尾有模板痕迹,中间部分语法问题比较多,不少都是比较基础的。句子结构变化不大。论证的不算strong。LZ加油啊,得多背单词看语法。

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发表于 2010-3-21 01:00:40 |只看该作者
With the development of the technology, science is increasing in importance-->has become increasingly important. Nowadays, in universities, there is a heated debate with soaring volume about whether s ...
我是chineselady 发表于 2010-3-21 00:46


谢谢哦,我是套模板啦。主要是结构还不熟悉,以后会慢慢去的。其他部分我也会注意的:))谢谢啊,意见很好。

ps,你的作文链接是不是有问题啊,我怎么找不到?。
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发表于 2010-3-21 01:32:47 |只看该作者
Teachers and friends are both important in our lives which(who) give us many suggestions. For many students, teachers like a sailor(sailors) who conductschannel them( to directly reach) (directly reach)their dream. For the other students, friends would produce essential influence on( lives itself)(their lives). As far as I hold the opinion, that friends are more influenced for students than teachers are.

  According(去掉) the recent survey shows that students stay with their friends’ time(去掉) more far longer than teachers’(改成with teachers), we can see that students spend lots of time with their friends instead of their teachers. Absolutely, friends are more know us than others. When we are playing, studying, sporting, and eating with each other, our thinking or behaviors have already changed in formal life. Formerly, I am shy while I talk to others. But when I meet Jenny, I get more humorous when I spend time on my friend, Jenny,who is quite aoutstanding and humorous girl. Jenny always speaks much more funny stories for me; I am relaxed when I heard after classes. For long time, I really changed. Now, I am never shy on the talking surroundings. However, teachers always have less time with students; they also cannot help us like friends.
2 ]% v" ^/ q* e/ j
- ^7 w* A; e& i% I* uIn addition, communication among friends which is not fails to take account, quaintly wide influential for students. Many people are known that communication is the way to obtain more suggestions and impressive ideas. As the old saying goes that two heads are better than one. When I ponder math questions for long time, I would talk about the questions with my friends. With friends I can learn a lot of things which I cannot learn at classes.
" V4 [6 A  r8 F
; R3 p5 Y& X" E7 _Admittedly, teachers also can influence students; they can provide knowledge students need such as expert introduction and practiced skill. Nonetheless, from what has been discussed above, we could safely draw the conclusion that friends are more influential for students
句子还可以,但是如果说理的再多些应该就更好鸟~个人觉得举例子是不是应该提前跟俺们说一声呢?比如用个take Jenny for instance之类的呢?还有叙述例子的时候应该围绕你的观点,时不时的来论证你的观念,你觉得呢?其他的简单改了改语法错误。注意一下单数第三人称和时态的前后一致,加油呀~~嘿嘿~~

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发表于 2010-3-23 01:43:02 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 水谣碧玺 于 2010-3-23 01:44 编辑


Government should pay more attention to health care issues than on environment issues

With the development of economy, government began to pay more attention to health and environment. No one can deny the fact, that health and environment are both essential problem in modern life which produce more effects on people even the society as a whole. But government should pay far more attention to personal health or environment issues? Well, people under the phenomenon consider government should to solve the problem. Some people deem the position that government should pay more attention to health while others believe opposite opinions. However, with all aspects carefully considered, as far as I concerned that government should pay more attention to environment issues than health care issues.

To begin with, environment is the foundation for the whole society even people as a whole. Our planet have been occurred much miserable disasters such as global warming, frequent earthquake, ground sea, destructive ozonosphere……etc. The increasing destructions are successive happening on the planet that will lead to a series calamity around people’s surroundings. People lived in the big planet, if people do not care the environment issues or pay less attention to it, that people’s health will also have not a better grow.The economic base determines the superstructure” said the same theory. No environment, identical no personal health.

What is more, government pay more attention to the environment will benefit the society. People most prefer lived in beauty environment. The fine environment will appeal the increasing number people come to there and decide to live. Such as the circumstance, the option that improve environment will advance employment indirectly that bring benefits to the society and promote the economy. People to see that government pay attention to environment have such advantages. It is that if governments pay more attention to health, can not bring to people and society.

Admittedly, government pay attention to health also has advantages which can build up people’s immunity to defend themselves. Although they also have this benefit to people, I maintain my opinion that government should pay more attention to environment.
To sum up from what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that the government should pay more attention to environment than health.

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发表于 2010-3-23 09:19:56 |只看该作者

With the development of economy, government began to pay more attention to health and environment. No one can deny the fact, that health and environment are both essential problem in modern life which produce more effects on people even the society as a whole(这一句没有看懂). But government should pay far more attention to personal health or environment issues?(如果这一句是疑问句的话,是不是should 要放句首呢,还有个人觉得这里不需要用but转折意味这么明显的单词) Well(这句比较口语化,建议尽量还是不要出现), people under the phenomenon consider government should to(删掉) solve the problem. Some people deem the position that government should pay more attention to health while others believe opposite opinions. However, with all aspects carefully considered, as far as I concerned that government should pay more attention to environment issues than health care issues.第一段觉得比较啰嗦和累赘,建议简化一下吧)

To begin with, environment is the foundation for the whole society even people as a whole(还是不理解这句话的意思,而且我似乎感觉不应该用people,用human beings可能会比较好. Our planet have been occurred much miserable disasters such as global warming, frequent earthquake, ground sea, destructive ozonosphere……etc. The increasing destructions are successive happening on the planet that will lead to a series calamity around people’s surroundings. People lived in the big planet, if people do not care the environment issues or pay less attention to it, that people’s health will also have not a better grow. “The economic base(应该是名词吧) determines the superstructure” said the same theory. No environment, identical no personal health.& ]4 ?* J$ O& `9 ]& r

What is more, government pay more attention to the environment will benefit the society. People most(people 和most要换一下位置) prefer lived(living) in beauty environment. The fine environment will appeal the increasing number people come to there and decide to live(appeal to要连在一起哦 于是就是appeal to increasing number people come there). Such as the circumstance, the option that improve(improves) environment will advance employment indirectly that bring benefits to the society and promote the economy. People to(删掉) see that government pay attention to environment have such advantages. It is that if governments pay more attention to health, can not bring to people and society(还是不懂). 1 S) M' l% @7 c% x
4 [& q! C2 ~4 @' i/ m+ T5 r$ ]; e
Admittedly, government pay attention to health also has advantages(has advantage 换一下吧,有点chinglish) which can build up people’s immunity to defend themselves. Although they also have this benefit to people, I maintain my opinion that government should pay more attention to environment(让步段可以再丰富一下,although这样的重申观点可要可不要,直接说政府也不能忽略 healthcare就好).
To sum up ,from what has been discussed above, we may safely(reasonable) draw the conclusion that the government should pay more attention to environment than health

作为新手的话, 能写成这样已经不错啦,

想当年我的第一篇作文时黑的出去,红的收回来的o(╯□╰)o

思路和结构都挺好的,不过觉得小细节,语法和用法都需要再注意下的

还有觉得内容可以再充实一下,eg.尾段和首段相比,不太成比例

建议童鞋可以多读读文章,没有例文ETS的阅读文章就可以,

加油哦~~

. $ o* J3 n1 y' `9 X3 W, S) n5 e9 e
, Q. q; J. \6 S) s2 f$ p" O$ E$ C

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发表于 2010-3-23 20:36:38 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 dphenixy 于 2010-3-23 20:38 编辑

With the development of economy, government began to pay more attention to health and environment. {No one can deny the fact,(不用逗号)that health and environment are both essential problem in modern life which produce more(这个more从何而来,没看出这里有比较关系) effects on people even the society as a whole(这一句没有看懂). But government should pay far more attention to personal health or environment issues?(如果这一句是疑问句的话,是不是should 要放句首呢,还有个人觉得这里不需要用but转折意味这么明显的单词) Well(这句比较口语化,建议尽量还是不要出现), people under the phenomenon consider government should to(删掉) solve the problem. }(括号这几句完全可以删去,开头第一句提出问题,2.3句说正反两方的观点,最后一句说自己的观点就行了,托福作文开头最好简单明了)Some people deem the position that government should pay more attention to health while others believe opposite opinions. However, with all aspects carefully considered, as far as I concerned(这两个用一个就行了,两个连一起显得很累赘) that government should pay more attention to environment issues than health care issues.一段觉得比较啰嗦和累赘,建议简化一下吧)' R( m* q7 \. j& L; N* L7 H% W) ~# D/ |7 j+ W; i
To begin with, environment is the foundation for the whole society even people as a whole(还是不理解这句话的意思,而且我似乎感觉不应该用people,用human beings可能会比较好. Our planet have been(去掉) occurred muchmany miserable disasters such as global warming, frequent earthquake, ground sea, destructive ozonosphere……(逗号就行了)etc. The increasing destructions are successive(用副词) happening on the planet that will lead(,leading to a series calamity around people’s surroundings(去掉). asPeople lived in the big planet, if people do not care the environment issues or pay less attention to it, that (去掉)people’s health will also have not a better grow(?).The economic base(应该是名词吧) determines the superstructure” said the same theory. No environment, identical no personal health.& ]4 ?* J$ O& `9 ]& r+ G$ w( ]; S7 @- I$ f2 t8 |9 h5 AWhat is more, government paypaying more attention to the environment will benefit the society. People mostpeople most要换一下位置) prefer livedliving in beauty environment. The fine environment will appeal the increasing number people come to there and decide to liveappeal to要连在一起哦于是就是appeal to increasing number people come there). Such as the circumstance, the option that improve(improves) environment will advance employment indirectly that bring benefits to the society and promote the economy. People to(删掉) see that government pay attention to environment have such advantages. It is that if governments pay more attention to health, can not bring to people and society(还是不懂)(我也不懂).1 S) M' l% @7 c% x6 p# H$ }5 d4 gAdmittedly, government pay attention to health also has advantageshas advantage 换一下吧,有点chinglish) which can build up people’s immunity to defend themselves. Although they also have this benefit to people, I maintain my opinion that government should pay more attention to environment(让步段可以再丰富一下,although这样的重申观点可要可不要,直接说政府也不能忽略 healthcare就好). # F* S6 u3 y" q8 x- J/ STo sum up from what has been discussed above, we may safelyreasonable draw the conclusion that the government should pay more attention to environment than health
我是在的基础上改的(蓝色部分)。看得出楼主背过一些模板,所以整体的结构还能够把握,有一些词汇也用的不错,不过问题还是很多的,最大的就是语法问题了,至少三分之一的句子是有语法问题的,建议楼主首先在这方面突破,因为再好的结构没有语言支持也是没用的,加油~~

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发表于 2010-3-23 21:47:10 |只看该作者
10# yuyan890619

谢谢言。
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发表于 2010-3-23 21:48:03 |只看该作者
11# dphenixy

我哭....我要好好看范文语法去...谢谢谢谢!
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美版2016offer达人 IBT Zeal IBT Smart IBT Elegance 2016 US-applicant

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发表于 2010-3-24 23:14:46 |只看该作者
1# 水谣碧玺

Teachers and friends are both important in our lives who (If you use 'which', then you're referring to 'our lives' instead of 'teachers and friends'.) give us many suggestions. For many students, a teachers is like a sailor who conducts them to directly reach their dream. For the some other students, friends would produce essential influence on lives itself (This is ambiguous and grammatically incorrect. What is this 'itself' referring to, anyway?). As far as I hold the opinion, that friends are more influenced ('Friends' is the source of influence, so they can't be 'influenced'.) for students than teachers are. (This is not a complete sentence.)

According the a recent survey which shows that students stay with their friends for time more far longer than with teachers(The original construct you used obviously comes from an attempt to translate from your native language.), we can see that students spend lots of time with their friends instead of with their teachers. Absolutely, friends are more know more about us than others do. When we are playing, studying, sporting, and eating with each other, our thinking or behaviors have already changed in formal life?. Formerly, I am was shy while I talk to others. But when I meet Jenny, I get more humorous when I spend time on with my friends, Jenny, who is a quite outstanding and humorous girl (Again, this is not a complete sentence). Jenny always speaks much more funny stories for me; I am relaxed when I heard ('Heard' what? Plus, you're mixing past tense with present tense in the same sentence but the context has no obvious shift. This is not correct.) after classes. For (I suspect you meant to say 'after'.) a long time, I really changed. Now, I am never shy on the talking surroundings?. However, teachers always (Too absolute. Many old noble families in Europe have tutors at home, and these teachers tend to be with their young masters all day long. This is just an illustrational argument. My point is that you don't need to be this absolute to be persuasive. 'Always' is almost always too strong a word to use when making conclusions.) have less time with students; they also cannot help us like friends.

In addition, communication among friends which is not fails to take account??, is quaintly wide influential for students. Many people are known that communication is the way to obtain more suggestions and impressive ideas. As the old saying goes that two heads are better than one. (Another incomplete sentence.) When I ponder math questions for long time, I would talk about the questions with my friends. With friends I can learn a lot of things which I cannot learn at classes. (Where is the 'influence' part in this point?)

Admittedly, teachers also can influence students; they can provide knowledge students need such as expert introductions (To what?) and practical skills. Nonetheless, from what has been discussed above, we could safely draw the conclusion that friends are more influential for students.

总结:

这位童鞋你的句法要好好注意一下,尤其那些我标注incomplete sentence的部分。。全篇如果几乎没有几句是语法正确的话,你论述得再好要得好分数也很为难的啊 =.=

论证方面第一个论点不错,第二个论点几乎没有好好发展,而且也看不出和‘影响’有什么关系。请注意论述要持续集中在问题上,忌虎头蛇尾。

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发表于 2010-4-1 02:02:20 |只看该作者
3.31Advertisements make products seem better than they are.}1 @- o

Accompany with the development of society, the increasing number of advertisements are beginning emerge in our modern life. And about the phenomenon of the advertisements are fashion and to change with each passing day, so many problems are worth considering carefully. There is a heated debate with soaring volume about whether advertisements make produce seem better than they are. As far as I convinced the theme is true. So I agree advertisements make products seem better than they are.

To begin with, in order to be most effective an advertising campaign people often make the better advertisements than realistic products. While clients looked the advertisements especially beautiful flash appearances, people would interest in those products. For example, I once watched an advertisement about a kind of sandwich in the television which is such beauty and looked delicious. I am willing to obtain this kind of sandwich when I looked the advertisements after. One day, I eventually eat this sandwich in restaurant but I do not satisfy myself what I taste. Why is it? I get the answer about that I think because although the sandwich looked so good at my sense, the taste is less good than the imagining of mine. The luxuriance advertisements give me fault thought. The realistic is not the same as the advertisements

In addition, advertisements give us the advantages of products and blind to the disadvantages when we looked. Sometimes products in order to attract customers have to exaggerate the advantages and contract the disadvantages. Last year, I once buy a bookcase, while the salesman and the product’s advertisement told me the quality of the bookcase is firm. But when I came back home with the bookcase I found which were not fit me, it is so small for me and the frame is too short to my height. The bookcase is a child bookcase. What ridiculous about it. So you can see, in order to attract people the advertisements always exaggerate the advantages and blind to the disadvantages. It is not so good in realistic comparable the advertisements.


To sum up what has been discussed above, we can safely draw the conclusion the advertisements is less good than the products in society. So I hence my opinion advertisements make products seem better than they are.




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