Hello, 开始写作文罗！多多关照！

chrysoidineUID：2731906

45# chrysoidine
不好意思，时间仓促了点，我是现在word里编辑后贴上去的，所以格式有点乱,不好意思～

canoe03UID：2786666

多谢二位的修改！我得好好改改这篇作文了

canoe03UID：2786666

Nowadays tuition for a college student is higher than ever before, students from low-income families are obliged to earn money to for the cost in college. On the other hand, young people are exposed to more worldly temptations which lead to their eagerly pursuing the things they wanted. Naturally, they will take part time jobs to meet the economic requirements. Personally speaking, I don’t think it will do much good to them.

Study is the principal task for college students who want to learn as much knowledge as possible and earn a degree. In fact they need to do a substantial amount of reading and various assignments. Failing a course will cause severe consequence such as extension of time after graduation. According to a survey named “National Post-secondary Student Aid Survey” which is conducted by “Advisory Committee on Student Financial Assistance” of United States, nearly half of the full-time students spent more than 25 hours on part-time jobs per week. Result of the survey shows that a few of these students get a GPA of 3.5 or higher. Consequently, taking part-time job pose an obstacle to the progress of college students’ study. Not only taking part-times jobs do harms to students’ studies but also reduce their time on having extracurricular activities, doing volunteer works and serving for communities, which may help students developing a sense of responsibility and serving others.

Some may argue that part-time job experience increase students’ opportunities to get a job after graduation. It is true in a certain degree, however, compare to the loss on the study and extracurricular activities, the working experience is nothing to speak of. It may be difficult for a student to hunt for a good job if he/she is weak in the courses. Take my classmates as example, when they are applying a job to those distinguished chemical companies such as Dupont, BP, Shell etc, most of them require the fresh graduates having a high scores of courses, at the same time, working experience is less important.

Considering the above reasons, we should make policies to help students to finish the schools rather than making them take part-time jobs which will harm them.

if-onlyUID：2583115

Nowadays tuition for a college student is higher than ever before, students from low-income families are obliged to earn money to for（to for 换为to?） the cost in college. On the other hand, young people are exposed to more worldly temptations which lead to their eagerly pursuing the things they wanted(want?). Naturally, they will take part time jobs to meet the economic requirements(这句话是不是会有歧义？或者把economic requirements换为desire，). Personally speaking, I don’t think it will do much good to them.
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Study is the principal task for college students who want to learn as much knowledge as possible and earn a degree. In fact they need to do a substantial amount of reading and various assignments. Failing a course will cause severe consequence such as extension of time(of time可以省掉) after graduation. According to a survey named “National Post-secondary Student Aid Survey” which is conducted by “Advisory Committee on Student Financial Assistance” of United States, nearly half of the full-time students spent more than 25 hours on part-time jobs per week. Result of the survey shows that a few of these students get a GPA of 3.5 or higher. Consequently, taking part-time job pose an obstacle to the progress of college students’ study. Not only taking part-times jobs do harms to students’ studies but also reduce their time on having extracurricular activities, doing volunteer works and serving for communities, which may help students developing a sense of responsibility and serving others.（论述清晰，有诸有辅，而且例证很有说服力） % X3 S0 S, f' L. K: ~' I6 u% Q$ I
Some may argue that part-time job experience increase students’ opportunities to get a job after graduation. It is true in a certain degree, however, compare to the loss on the study and extracurricular activities, the working experience is nothing to speak of. It may be difficult for a student to hunt for a good job if he/she is weak in the courses. Take my classmates as example, when they are applying a job to those distinguished chemical companies such as Dupont, BP, Shell etc, most of them require the fresh graduates having a high scores of courses, at the same time, working experience is less important.
（这段似乎只是上段的延伸解释，属于同一个论点，不知道楼主意识到没有？）Considering the above reasons, we should make policies to help students to finish the schools rather than making them take part-time jobs which will harm them （后面两段有点蛇尾的感觉，而且最后一句有点问题，有点绝对，加上may更好）行文很流畅，但是整体立意不突出，只用一个论点去反驳显得有点单薄，可以再增加一个论点

canoe03UID：2786666

Wemay remember the movie “Slumdog Millionaire”, which won the 81th Oscar, theleading man of which won 20 million Rrupees via correctly answering kinds of questionsasked by the emcee of the television program. Though those questions arecommon, they covered many dimensions. Thus it is very difficult for people togive the right answer for each one, unless people are as well-informed as theleading man. But what is the way of becoming a well-formed man? Some peoplehold the view we should get information from many different sources, however,as for me, several ways of collecting information is enough, too many resourceswould confuse us.

Thinkabout the information resources firstly, they are of diverse sorts—books, CDs,TV programs, radio and so on. Those resources do really provide a large mountof information which is disorganized. Gather them all and your mind becomes sodrained that it’s a challenge to get anything else done. With too many unclassifiabledata, people are easily confused by them and can not use them smoothly. Considerthe email conundrum. In fact, a University of London study done forHewlett-Packard found that “infomania” — a term connected with addiction toemail and texting — can lower your IQ by twice as much as smoking marijuana.

Thosetradition ways of getting information, for instance, reading books, taking interrelatedclasses or attending academic salons, can conduct us better deeply understand knowledge.Leonardo da Vinci, a polymath of the renaissant Italian, not only is he an architect,but also an artist, engineer, mathematician, inventor and anatomist. At hisage, communication is not as boomed or fast as today, da Vinci read a mass ofbooks and done many researches in his workroom with his assistances. Brain ofhuman is of hugely capability, according to scientist, it can receive about 34G information a day. That capacity isabout 1/6 of our PC hard disk, thus, we should make use of it availably bylearning things regularly and deeply rather than desultorily.

Consequently,effectively gathering information from several ways could make us to be awell-informed person than getting information from many different information sources.

Lee.YUID：2749003

连夜帮你改一下

免得明天忘了~~~

chrysoidineUID：2731906

We may remember the movie “Slumdog Millionaire”, which won the 81th Oscar, [and] the leading man[actor] of which won 20 million Rrupees via correctly answering kinds of questions asked by the emcee of the television program. Though those questions are [were注意时态]common, they covered many dimensions. Thus it is very difficult for people to give the right answer for each one, unless people are as well-informed as the leading man[actor]. But what is the way of becoming a well-formed man? Some people hold the view we should get information from many different sources, however, as for me, several ways of collecting information is enough, too many resources would confuse us. [引出主题的例子用的很好]
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Think about the information resources firstly, they are of diverse sorts—books, CDs,TV programs, radio and so on. Those resources do really provide a large mount of information which is disorganized[可以改成转折关系，提供大量信息，但却是毫无组织的]. Gather them all and your mind becomes so drained that it’s a challenge to get anything else done. With too many unclassifiable[不能分类吗？unclassified] data, people are easily confused by them and can not use them smoothly. Consider the email conundrum. In fact, a University of London study done for Hewlett-Packard found that “infomania” — a term connected with addiction to email and texting — can lower your IQ by twice as much as smoking marijuana.
! {" H2 A- k. O: E " L  U' O& @" h4 ]' a" M0 i
Those tradition[traditional] ways of getting information, for instance, reading books, taking interrelated classes or attending academic salons, can conduct[help] us better[more] deeply understand [the] knowledge. Leonardo da Vinci, a polymath of the renaissant Italian, not only is he an architect, but also an artist, engineer, mathematician, inventor and anatomist[语法问题]. At his age, communication [technology] is not as boomed or fast as [that of] today, da Vinci read a mass of books and done[did] many researches[研究可数吗？] in his workroom with his assistances[assistants]. Brain of human is of hugely[huge] capability, according to scientist, it can receive about 34G information a day. That capacity is about 1/6 of our PC hard disk, thus, we should make use of it availably[efficently] by learning things regularly and deeply rather than desultorily.
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Consequently, [it is] effectively gathering information from several ways [that] could make us to be a well-informed person than getting information from many different information sources.

文章写的引人入胜，每个例子都很翔实可靠，但美中不足是一些句法的表达，希望能在句子语法，结构上花更多的功夫，这里我没有标具体的句子，因为我个人也对这些似是而非，所以就不误导你啦！里面有很多生词，非常值得我学习！

P.S.:这张sheldon的图片帅的一塌糊涂，笑起来没那么“畸形”，每次看到都很开心呢！

canoe03UID：2786666

谢谢楼上的提醒 关于这个语法和句子结构 我实在是羞愧 写来写去总归总是犯那些错误 怎么也改不过来 要下狠心了
谢谢LEE同学 连夜改的 i am moved！

ggj_lllUID：2796021

5.2
Wemay [We may] remember the movie “Slumdog Millionaire”, which won the 81th Oscar, theleading [the leading] man of which won 20 million Rrupees via correctly answering kinds of questionsasked [questions asked] by the emcee of the television program. Though those questions arecommon [are common], they covered many dimensions. Thus it is very difficult for people togive [ to give] the right answer for each one, unless people are as well-informed as theleading [the leading] man. But what is the [这里加一个best可能会更好]way of becoming a well-formed man? Some peoplehold [people hold ]the view we should get information from many different sources, however,as for me, several ways of collecting information is enough, too many resourceswould [resource would]confuse us.
[搂主开头用的这个例子引出开头，很巧妙，也很有说服力]
Thinkabout [Think about] the information resources firstly, they are of diverse sorts—books, CDs,TV programs, radio and so on. Those resources do really provide a large mountof [mount of] information which is disorganized. Gather them all and your mind becomes sodrained [so drained] that it’s a challenge to get anything else done. With too many unclassifiabledata[unclassifiable data], people are easily confused by them and can not use them smoothly. Considerthe [Consider the] email conundrum. In fact, a University of London study done forHewlett-Packard[改成 A research carried out by the University of London and Hewlett-Packard ]found that “infomania” — a term connected with addiction toemail and texting — can lower your IQ by twice as much as smoking marijuana.
Thosetradition[Thoses tradition] ways of getting information, for instance, reading books, taking interrelated classes or attending academic salons, can conduct us better deeply understand knowledge.Leonardo da Vinci, a polymath of the renaissant Italian, not only is he an architect,but also an artist, engineer, mathematician, inventor and anatomist. At his age, communication is not as boomed or fast as today, da Vinci read a mass of books and done many researches in his workroom with his assistances. Brain ofhuman is of hugely capability, according to scientist, it can receive about 34G information a day. That capacity is about 1/6 of our PC hard disk, thus, we should make use of it availably by learning things regularly and deeply rather than desultorily.

Consequently, effectively gathering information from several ways could make us to [to 删除，make之后不用加to]be a well-informed person than getting information from many different information sources.[因为句子后面有than, 所以前面应当出现比较级：effectively gathering information from several ways is better to make us become well informed than getting information from many different information sources.]

楼主的例证很有说服力，并且层次也很清晰。
文中有一些拼写方面的错误（打字造成的），建议楼主写完后要至少通篇检查一遍。（事实上，我的文章里也有很多拼写和语法错误，所以老师对我说，如果我写完不检查，将会死的比较惨，但是我常常忘记检查，或者没有时间检查）。
此外，谢谢你给我修改作文并提出了很好的修改意见。

canoe03UID：2786666

Too much personally financial business are talked about today, because of the daily increasing of economic risk harms individuals to a nation, and even to all over the world. A kind of financial responsibility seems to be necessary for an adult, when some ways are searched for this character. So there is a heat discussion about dating back to the era when people are underage, whether people should be taught how to manage money. As for me, this point of view is reasonable to some extent.

Above all, the early age of an individual is of the essence for an adult, whose characteristic and personality is developed from that stage. Such as a person’s intelligence, values, moral standard, mentality, pattern of behavior and so on are caused impact from his/her early stage. One aspect of these matter is the financially responsibility which could assist children to acquire knowledge of how does the money be gained, thereby they would treasure it. For example, the Save For America(SFA), which was founded in 1980 by U.S. Department of Education, partners of which enroll local schools and provide no-fee depository accounts for students to conduce them the ability of management of their money.

Another advantage of managing money at people’s early age help children know the essentiality of saving money and eventually understand the money could never determine people’s happiness, however, there are many more crucial things during all a man’s life.

Plunge into money managing deeply could also do harms to children, who focus on the slight profit could result in being lack of foresight. Much energy and time spent on those businesses divert their attention on study and caring about others. So there should be a proper way for educating children to be financially responsible.

So we can conclude for all that I have mentioned people should learn how to manage financial affairs as early as possible, however, to a certain extent.

250427293UID：2582347

Too much personally financial business are talked about today, because of the daily increasing of economic risk harms individuals to a nation改from each individual to the whole nation, and even to all over the world. A kind of financial responsibility seems to be necessary for an adult, when some ways are searched for this character.啥意思？没看懂 So there is a heat discussion about dating back to the era when people are underage, whether people should be taught how to manage money. As for me, this point of view is reasonable to some extent.
Above all, the early age of an individual is of the essence for an adult，改the childhood is very essential to one’s whole life. whose characteristic改character and personality is developed改initiated and developed from that stage. Such as a person’s intelligence, values, moral standard, mentality, pattern of behavior and so on are caused impact from his/her early stage. One aspect of these matter改matters is the financially改financial responsibility which could assist children to acquire knowledge of how does the money be gained, 改how to gain money thereby they would treasure改cherish it. For example, the Save For America(SFA), which was founded in 1980 by U.S. Department of Education, partners of which enroll local schools and provide no-fee depository accounts for students to conduce them the ability of management of their money.前面都写的蛮好的，但是这个例子说完后应该再讲一下为什么要举这个例子会更好吧4 }  c( J1 k7 D' I
Another advantage of managing money at people’s early age改during childhood wil help children know the essentiality of saving money and eventually understand the money could never determine people’s happiness, however, there are many more crucial things during all a man’s life. 这段很唐突,为什么可以让小孩认识到钱不是唯一要讲一下，如何认识到要讲一下。
开始应该加句转折，however, Plunge into money managing deeply could also do harms to children, who focus on the slight profit could result in being lack of foresight. Much energy and time spent on those businesses divert their attention on study and caring about others. So there should be a proper way for educating children to be financially responsible. 改 to find the balance between financial management and other daily issues, So we can conclude for all that I have mentioned去掉 people should learn how to manage financial affairs as early as possible, however, to a certain extent.

lhs8600UID：2383996

5.23

Toomuch personally financial business are talked about today, because of the dailyincreasing of economic risk harms individuals to a nation, and even to all overthe world. A kind of financial responsibility seems to be necessary for anadult, when some ways are searched for this character (when这句我觉得意义不大, 这里可以说一句financial responsibility对成年人的重要性, 这样下面接着展开讨论如何培养, 这样更流畅).So there is a heat discussion about dating back to the era when people areunderage, whether people should be taught how to manage money. As for me, thispoint of view is reasonable to some extent.  t1 |# N% @" z9 z

Above all, the early age ofan individual is of the essence for an adult, whose characteristic andpersonality is developed from that stage. Such as a person’s intelligence,values, moral standard, mentality, pattern of behavior and so on are causedimpact from his/her early stage. One aspect of these matter is the financiallyresponsibility which could assist children to acquire knowledge of how does themoney be gained, thereby they would treasure it. For example, the Save ForAmerica(SFA), which was founded in 1980 by U.S. Department of Education, partners of which(读起来不舒服, 我觉得直接说 the partners of the SaveFor America(SFA) which was… enroll… 虽然长点但更舒服)enroll local schools and provide no-fee depository accounts for students toconduce them the ability of management of their money.

Anotheradvantage of managing money at people’s early age is (后面都是宾语吧?)helpchildren know the essentiality of saving money and eventually understand themoney could never determine people’s(觉得用one’s更舒服) happiness, however(这里的转折有点唐突, 前面是讲钱不能决定幸福, 下面接着讲的没有转折的意思, 只是进一步, 所以我觉得直接用and更合理),there are many more crucial things during all a man’s life . . K8 [' T" |9 L$ u" V9l

(建议加点转折的话)Of course/However, Plunge(plunging) into money managing(management)deeply could also do harms to children, who focus on the slight profit couldresult in being lack of foresight. Much energy and time spent on thosebusinesses divert their attention on study and caring about others. So thereshould be a proper way for educating children to be financially responsible.

So we canconclude for all that I have mentioned people should learn how to managefinancial affairs as early as possible, however, to a certain extent.

整个文章感觉不错, 层次比较清晰. 一些句子的结构可以再改进一些.如有修改不对的地方,请多包涵.

canoe03UID：2786666

6.15 writing

The responsibility of a teacher is to educate students, who may think freely and on their own when they come into contact with problems of themselves or referred with others. Undoubtedly, teachers could easily cause impacts of the conception or ideas on the students, and this raise a fierce discussion about whether the teachers should make their social or political view known to students. As for me, I hold the view that those teachers, especially those who teach the humanities, should stand in a neutral attitude while teaching the students. The reasons are as following.

Above all, students, who are children or adolescence and are lack of social or political experience, could be likely to be effected by the outside world. For instance, children are often told to be honest or punished by their wrong-doing. There are little fixed thoughts of the younger; hence they are prone to accept the fresh things. The social or political events, which are complicated for the students, are usually good material for students applying the knowledge to analyze them. Once the teacher delivers the views on those events to the students, latterly, the very voice of the view may echo in their head hand inhibit them to freely think about the events. In fact, a right thing that the teacher should do is to conduct the students to speak out their viewpoints rather than tell them the teacher’s.

Another factor is that those teachers who give their comments or views to the students sometimes will do harm to them. During the process of the teacher expressing his/her view which take up some part of the students’ thoughts, the students unconsciously accept the opinion and take it as their. In some autarchic countries, such as China, North Korea and Iran, students are taught with solid opinion of social and political and they could not express the different ones, when they grow up and have to utter their view, they found it is very hard for them to analyze the problem and properly express their ideas.

What I have mentioned above by no means predicate that the teacher should never share their ideas with the students, an equal way of communicating the thought between the teachers and students improve the students thinking better and deeper. But in the class, teachers should always be neutral to any social or political problems.

canoe03UID：2786666

6.17 writing 悲剧。。。劳烦各位了。。。

During the whole process of live, people have to affront various events which may make them happy or miserable. Generally speaking, successful achievement could bring happiness to human; however, we ourselves could not decide whether we will be successful in the future when we are trying to finish something. Does the success really determine our happiness? There is a heat discussion on which is more important: success or remaining happy and optimistic when someone fails. As for me, the latter triumphs the former. There are several reasons.

Firstly, successful achievement do really brings people welfare which means reputation, money, power or many other things makes your life better. Nevertheless, people would be used and wearied with the success and its by-products before long. For people’s heart are always hunting for newer appetites which could bring fresh excitement for them. Just as the famous philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer says that our lives are full of miseries and sufferings, material pleasures or those reputations or positions will never satisfy our souls or spirits.

Another factor is people would not be always successful in what they are doing. Indeed go further, most of times we are losers, it is the successful man who are well-know and impress us success is better than losing. Now that oftentimes we must face the failure which causes us feeling frustrated or discouraged. Our mental attitude must be adjusted to be positive and optimistic or we would never rise again. The positive outlook is conducive to happiness and everlastingly energetic for our lives no matter what predicament we face.

Since people need long term happiness and at the same time there are not always success for them. The right thing to do is maintain a positive and optimistic attitude when we are facing failures.  So that is why people point of views are more essential than the facts.

junedreamjuneUID：2700743

During the whole process of live, people have to affront various events which may make them happy or miserable. Generally speaking, successful achievement could bring happiness to human; however, we ourselves could not decide whether we will be successful in the future when we are trying to finish something. Does the success really determine our happiness? There is a heat discussion on which is more important: success or remaining happy and optimistic when someone fails. As for me, the latter triumphs the former. There are several reasons.* V& i) E5 x" Q6 ~3 d+ [
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Firstly, successful achievement do really brings people welfare which means reputation, money, power or many other things makes your life better. Nevertheless, people would be used and wearied with the success and its by-products before long. For people’s hearts are always hunting for newer appetites which could bring fresh excitement for them. (Nevertheless, people would be used and wearied with the success and its by-products before long, since they are always seeking after new appetites which could bring fresh excitement.) Just as the famous philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer says that our lives are full of miseries and sufferings, material pleasures or those reputations or positions will never satisfy our souls or spirits.. }# K5 I% k. b- T' |
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Another factor is people would not be always successful in what they are doing. Indeed go further, most of times we are losers, it is the successful man (men) who are well-known and impress us success is better than losing (loss). Now that oftentimes we must face the failure which causes us feeling frustrated or discouraged. Our mental attitude must be adjusted to be positive and optimistic or we would never rise again. The positive outlook is conducive to happiness and everlastingly energetic for our lives no matter what predicament we face.
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Since (?) people need long term happiness and at the same time there are not always success for them. The right thing to do is to maintain a positive and optimistic attitude when we are facing failures.  So that is why people’ point of views are more essential than the facts.

总体来看语句用词结构都很棒，我只发现几个微小的语法错误，值得学习~~但感觉结尾有些匆忙，最后一句似乎又提出了一个新的观点，这在总结段是蛮忌讳的一件事。总体而言，还是很棒，特别是叔本华的引用很赞:)