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Generally speaking, the payment of teachers should be based on the performance of the teachers’(去掉可能会更好) themselves. However, the performances of the teachers are usually evaluated in many other aspects, such as the accomplishment of students. While I concede that the accomplishment of students is an important aspect to judge a teacher's performance, I do not agree that it is the only decisive factor. Teachers should be evaluated and paid comprehensively. (这几句有绕来绕去的感觉, performances of teachers, accomplishment这些词重复的次数有些多可以换成,the level of teachers, achievement)
To begin with, the performance of students is influenced by many elements. Admittedly, the level of a teacher affects how well a student learns(to some extents). Following professional, devoted, and responsible teacher students can learn more efficiently and progress more quickly. However, the ability of teachers is not the only factor that decides the performance of students. As a famous saying goes, "attitude(Attitude) is everything". On one hand, no matter how much effort a teacher makes, a student can hardly learn well without hardworking attitude. On the other hand, even if a teacher is not responsible or devoted to work, some students can still perform excellently depending on their own endeavors. Students' attitude toward study(去掉) almost affects their performances as much as the ability of teachers (加do). Other factors, such as the study resources of the school, the family environment of the students, also have influences on the students’ study. So it is unfair to decide the payment of the teacher all by the performance of the students.
推理很到位,但这部分大部分强调的是老师的能力, 和工资的关系没有很好地体现出来!
Besides, if teachers are paid by the performance of students, it will inevitably lead to negative results. As we all know, nowadays the performance of the students often means their grades in examinations, ranks in competitions, or attendances at classes. To gain more salaries, teacher might try to focus on improving students' such performances and ignore the full version of education. Teachers might lower the standard of examination to allow more students to get higher scores, or they would require students to practice repeatedly for examinations or competitions. Anything else may be considered trivial. It is not difficult to imagine how much the quality of our education would go down. In brief, such evaluating system would make the teacher care more about the students' scores than students themselves.
这段写得很好,结构很清晰!
So the payment of the teachers should be evaluated in (好像是from)all-around aspects. For example, in university, the research ability of professors is a quite important factor. A good professor needs not only to cultivate capable students, but also be able to make accomplishment in their researches. Another example, in elementary school, teachers should be required to have decent and virtuous personalities besides teaching abilities, because their students are just in the ages of developing personalities and they tend to imitate their models in life.(这段开始正面点题)
In a word, teachers’ payment should accord with their various performances. In conclusion,(多余), although teachers are partly responsible for the performances of the students, their payment cannot be decided by this factors exclusively. School and society should try to view the overall performance of teacher, and decide their payment reasonably. (结尾总感觉有些啰嗦,点题不是很到位!)
文章整体不错,结构很清楚, 中间的分论点论证有力度!但句子不够精炼,还有稍微注意词的替换!
谢谢你对applo111的文章的点评,以后多多指教!
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